Teacher's Pet Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 I can only imagine the emotional mess I'd be if I broke NC with my ex. It will be 5 months of NC on Saturday. That's no contact with her since 6 days after she broke my heart. Today wasn't a good day for me, either. Thanksgiving is a day of "togetherness". I spent it with total strangers. Nice people, friendly people, but deep down.... not who I would have wanted to be with. I really, REALLY thought about contacting her today, but I didn't. I FORCED myself to think to the future. A better me, with a better woman. -tp umm, anyone have a better woman to spare? Link to post Share on other sites
Teacher's Pet Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 That's the kicker. It takes 2 people in the relationship for it to work. And clearly, in many of the ones we read about on LS, mine included, have at times been too one sided. Obviously it can't work if one party is fighting and the other simply isn't. It's just, how do you know when to give up the fight, I guess. Sometimes the other person can catch up and join in, sometimes, it'll never happen. Hard to make the call as to which to believe at what time. I'm like, near tears now, Jenn. I fought so hard for US (me and B)... I did everything I thought she wanted me to do, acted the way she wanted me to, did everything "right", and it turned out I was fighting for nothing. I gave 200% of my being to keep her in my life, and she text-messaged me out of hers. I really wish you were here for me to hug right now. I promise not to cop a feel this time. -tp lover, not a fighter....or much of a lover, I guess? Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 I got sniffed once... in the dairy section at the grocery store... I always sniff my cows in private. (Just before I milk them.) It's just, how do you know when to give up the fight, I guess. I know exactly what you mean. My ex waited a long time, but I just couldn't get myself together. It's very, very sad (for me), but one can't wait forever. (!) And the good news, for her, is that someone much better came along. It's wasted time - love is a decision. It just doesn't cut the mustard when someone says, "I need to think about what you really, really mean to me." If he's anything like me, then he's a dumbarse. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 I promise not to cop a feel this time. You can always agree that it was a mistake, later. Link to post Share on other sites
panzer6 Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 You know Aria, when we fall in love with someone we spend alot of time in physical contact with them, and we also bond on an emotional level with them. Our bodies release hormones as a result and we become linked to that person. From a purely physiological standpoint love is a hormonal response to stimuli caused by close proximity to our significant other. Oh man, I'm gonna take heat for writing this !! When that person leaves or dumps us we not only take an emotional hit but we take a physiological hit. You end up lying in bed at night and going out of your skull thinking about them, wanting them, wanting to hold them, smell them, feel them lying against you. Part of that is a hormonal response. Even people in bad or abusive relationships will feel this because it's really beyond our control. The only thing that helps is time. Gradually the effect wears off and while you may still love them and miss them it's not as strong as it was when they first left. I don't know, some of this makes sense to me but I know that there are alot of dynamics to a relationship. Every one of them is unique but after reading alot of the posts on this site I see the same patterns of response form the people who are undergoing bad breakups. Especially those of us who were dumped. All our experiences are different but the end result seems the same. We feel lousy, some don't eat, others eat to much, sleep, well you can forget about sleep. Depression seems to be a common response as well. It really is like experiencing a death of a loved one, the symptoms are very similar if not identical. I guess in answer to your question, " Why does one particular person have this effect on us" I'm trying to rationalise my own response to losing someone close to me. Remember that we always idealise the person we love despite their glaring faults. Time is your friend in this. If things don't work out with your ex try to take time for yourself, do things you never did before, try to grow as a person. We need new experiences in our lives. They jar something deep inside, allowing us to grow. Without change something sleeps inside of us and seldom awakens. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 Oh man, I'm gonna take heat for writing this !! Paragraphs. Link to post Share on other sites
panzer6 Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 Sorry, losing my mind. LoL! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 i dont' think he's that into you ARIA....but I think TP is available. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 i dont' think he's that into you ARIA So it's a case of degree?? How many inches short of the ideal are we talking about here? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 How many inches short of the ideal are we talking about here? I really don't know... Link to post Share on other sites
Teacher's Pet Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 i dont' think he's that into you ARIA....but I think TP is available. *wakes up* wha? -tp getting ready to go shopping Link to post Share on other sites
Author AriaIncognito Posted November 24, 2006 Author Share Posted November 24, 2006 Being into me, was never a problem ;-) Now, for the meaning alpha had, perhaps that's true. Or perhaps he's emotionally unavailable. The reasons, really, are only known by him. Personally, I don't ask because unless he's deciding to make a commitment to me, how he feels right now is not my business, nor should it be my concern (even though of course it unfortunately is, considering how I feel and how i'd like things to work out). It's not always so cut and dried. And that's unfortunate. So here i sit. My friend went to bed, and i'm not yet tired. Hoping to be tired soon. This holiday needs a fork in it, it's done. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 It's not always so cut and dried. And that's unfortunate. . Life would be quite boring if everything was cut and dry... Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 Life would be quite boring if everything was cut and dry... I prefer moist. I'm sorry, but this whole "emotionally unavailable" thing is nothing but a cop-out. You're never emotionally unavailable to the right person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AriaIncognito Posted November 24, 2006 Author Share Posted November 24, 2006 I could use a little boring every so often though...lol. Getting sick of living the soap opera, you know. How's your father doing, alpha. Not to hijack my own thread but...since we're both on... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 I'm sorry, but this whole "emotionally unavailable" thing is nothing but a cop-out. You're never emotionally unavailable to the right person. Some rare and lucid words of wisdom from MH Link to post Share on other sites
Author AriaIncognito Posted November 24, 2006 Author Share Posted November 24, 2006 Nevermind, I checked your thread to see how he's doing ;-) Good news to hear he's home and doing well. Back to me! haha. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 Back to me! haha. We'd rather tackle you front-on, if it's all the same to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AriaIncognito Posted November 24, 2006 Author Share Posted November 24, 2006 We'd rather tackle you front-on, if it's all the same to you. Whichever is fine by me ;-) haha. As long as I'm tackled. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AriaIncognito Posted November 24, 2006 Author Share Posted November 24, 2006 I never replied to panzers long paragraph...lol You're right, getting over an ex is a lot like say, getting over an addiction. They are something that you are used to in your life. They are like a drug, or their love/attention is like one. You definitely become addicted to the way a person makes you feel, and of course you do whatever you can to get that back. It's pretty weird isn't it. When I was in his arms the other night, it just felt so damned good. It was probably just all the hormonal response to it all or whatever. The endorphins. Etc. Would that feeling ever go away in time if i were to have him as mine? Good question. Often in relationships, it does fade. I hope, for all our sakes, that we all find the one person with which it never fades. And if we all manage to find or have that person, that we do whatever it takes to be with them. And that they do the exact same for us. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 You know Aria, when we fall in love with someone we spend alot of time in physical contact with them, and we also bond on an emotional level with them. Our bodies release hormones as a result and we become linked to that person. From a purely physiological standpoint love is a hormonal response to stimuli caused by close proximity to our significant other. Oh man, I'm gonna take heat for writing this !! When that person leaves or dumps us we not only take an emotional hit but we take a physiological hit. You end up lying in bed at night and going out of your skull thinking about them, wanting them, wanting to hold them, smell them, feel them lying against you. Part of that is a hormonal response. Even people in bad or abusive relationships will feel this because it's really beyond our control. The only thing that helps is time. Gradually the effect wears off and while you may still love them and miss them it's not as strong as it was when they first left. I don't know, some of this makes sense to me but I know that there are alot of dynamics to a relationship. Every one of them is unique but after reading alot of the posts on this site I see the same patterns of response form the people who are undergoing bad breakups. Especially those of us who were dumped. All our experiences are different but the end result seems the same. We feel lousy, some don't eat, others eat to much, sleep, well you can forget about sleep. Depression seems to be a common response as well. It really is like experiencing a death of a loved one, the symptoms are very similar if not identical. I guess in answer to your question, " Why does one particular person have this effect on us" I'm trying to rationalise my own response to losing someone close to me. Remember that we always idealise the person we love despite their glaring faults. Time is your friend in this. If things don't work out with your ex try to take time for yourself, do things you never did before, try to grow as a person. We need new experiences in our lives. They jar something deep inside, allowing us to grow. Without change something sleeps inside of us and seldom awakens. Panzer - you must have seen What the bleep do we know! It's this drama-documentary about exactly what he describes. How our thoughts actually create our perception of the world and how we actually become addicted to our emotions - and therefore to love. Very enlightening. A bit cheesy at times. But a I give it two thumbs up. Link to post Share on other sites
panzer6 Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 Actually, I haven't seen the program you are talking about. I just try to look at things from a scientific standpoint. Any system can be analysed and broken down to stimuli and response. I know that sounds cold and detached when talking about something as complex as love. I guess I'm just trying to rationalize it for myself so I can come to grips with it. I love being with her, she feels so good and right. How can something feel like that yet be so wrong for us. Thats what I can't understand. I'm tired of hurting. Maybe this is finally over for us. My gut tells me it's done but I know she will probably contact me again soon. What should I do if she does? Link to post Share on other sites
MagnoliaJane Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 Aria, It is a given that he is emotionally unavailable. For whatever reason. Have you guys ever talked about the whys? Why is he emtionally unavailable. Or is he also confused about that? You say "how he feels is not my business". But at the same time how he feels is consuming all your thoughts. If you two are physical then what he feels IS your business. You have the right to ask about it. (mind you I didn't ask either because I was afraid for the answer...). Magnolia Being into me, was never a problem ;-) Or perhaps he's emotionally unavailable. The reasons, really, are only known by him. Personally, I don't ask because unless he's deciding to make a commitment to me, how he feels right now is not my business, nor should it be my concern (even though of course it unfortunately is, considering how I feel and how i'd like things to work out). It's not always so cut and dried. And that's unfortunate. So here i sit. My friend went to bed, and i'm not yet tired. Hoping to be tired soon. This holiday needs a fork in it, it's done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AriaIncognito Posted November 26, 2006 Author Share Posted November 26, 2006 Well, the whole physical thing occurred once last week, and since he went home for the holiday, i don't really know if there will be anything more upon his return. I'm hoping for the best, but expecting the worst, basically. And you're right, if he were with me how he felt would matter, but right now, I have to try to just let things be whatever they are and not worry myself to death with the what ifs, and it's hard, but every day I wake up and keep trying, and keep hoping that whatever is best, will be. He's always been reluctant to be in the relationship due to the religious difference, but at the same time, he also knows I'm willing to convert, so who knows if that's the issue. That is what i believe it stems from. My not being jewish and his parents maybe not accepting me even if i were to be a converted person. Also, when I broke it off last month, he said he felt like he was unable to let himself be happy, and doesn't know how or why he became that way. Sounds to me like he has some soul searching to do, and while I'd be here for him every step of the way, he has to ask me to be here. I guess time will tell on this one. I hope it works out but I'm trying very very hard to not count chickens, as it drives me insane. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 I hope it works out but I'm trying very very hard to not count chickens, as it drives me insane. Try elephants. Link to post Share on other sites
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