The sound of my ex's name

[BlugreenEyeS]

I'm new here so HEY EVERYONE!

 

I want to know how you all think the way you speak of your ex, and how much you speak of them in general reflects on you?

 

I'm only 19, and I was seeing a guy that was 20 for about a year. Hes a spoiled rich boy who viewed me as his possession. He used to hit me and treat me pretty bad. Last year, while were still together, I met a guy who was 22 at work. While I was breaking up with my boyfriend, this guy and I pretty much had a what you would call a fling....some casual sex over a few months time, along with a lot of in-depth conversation....if that makes any sense.

 

I hadn't seen him (my fling) for a few months, until a few days ago. We've seen each other around town and at bars, and some chemistry is still there. But, basically I feel like WANTS to take me seriously all the time, but he can't when I start to talk about my ex all the time! I explain to him why he is such a d*ck, and why I was so stupid for being with him OVER and OVER. I feel like I am over my ex. I barely even think about him anymore. But every time I am with this guy I start tracing back and thinking about him, and bad mouthing him.

 

I feel like its making me look like a clingy/negative person even though I am actually very independent and happy with myself. But don't get me wrong, we have awesome chemistry and we carry strong conversation for hours. I'm very assertive and witty, and I know that he sees that. But then, this whole other side comes out where I seem run down and weak when I bring up my ex's name.

 

I feel like I am disappointing this guy, and possibly sending mixed signals. I reeeeally like him. Hes such a cool guy, and we are almost like best friends. I don't want anything that serious right now, but I'd like to prove to him that I don't care about my ex anymore and that I'm not clingy.

 

I know I'm just rambling now.....lol Sorry. So, really I just want to know if you guys think I'm right about this. Is he holding his guard up because I talk about my ex so much? It seems like he wants to let it down so bad, but then I ruin it when I bring up my ex's name.

 

Hmmm I just realized this is a pretty lame thread, lol. Welllll, Sorry guys! Reply if you want.

[bella_girl]

You are probably unconsciously associating this guy with around the time you broke up with your BF so you don't mean to but they are linked in your mind. So stuff with guy reminds you of stuff with your ex and then you tell him (fling guy) about it.

 

The best way to prove you are over your ex is don't mention him - at all.

 

The more you 'try' to prove you're over the ex the more it will come over like you are not! Ironic hey!

[Grrlish]

Bite your tongue off before you ever mention you ex in front of this guy ever again. Put it in the freakin' past, already. Don't even bring up your ex's name or the topic of your relationship.

 

If this other guy brings up the ex, which he might because he's so used to that topic of conversation, just say that you're tired of talking about him and it's ancient history, and 'let's talk about something that's actually interesting'.

 

Literally put some thought into what might be possible optional topics for the next time you see this other guy. Things about you, things that are of interest to him, ANYTHING except your ex.

 

If you're still yammering about your ex and all of that drama, this other guy probably thinks that you're still carrying all that baggage...and if you can't quit talking about it...you probably are. Think about this one and deal with it, if you are.

 

If you're still yammering about gross stuff like being with someone "over and over" even though they freakin' hit you and treated you like cr*p, you're not exactly making yourself out to be a confident woman. Reminding this other guy that you let someone treat you that way for an extended period of time sort of makes you look weak and pathetic. It also makes you look like you are into having negative drama in your life and you might be convincing him that you'll being some sort of negative drama into HIS life.

 

And, frankly, if you did let someone treat you like this, have you been to therapy about it? It's not normal to let someone treat you that way. And ending the relationship isn't the same thing as dealing with your issues that allowed it to happen.

 

Sorry for being so blunt but just trying to help you STOP talking about the ex and maybe encourage you to consider the need for drama factor.

 

Good luck!

[BlugreenEyeS]

That really helps guys.

 

I just need to hear it, really!!!

 

I think you are absolutely right about how I am tracing back to the time when I had just starting this "fling", right around the time I'd broken up with my ex. Things were pretty chaotic then, and I still haven't gotten over it.

 

And I might just consider some therapy, in fact. Its been a rough few years, and I probably need some. I have been working out a lot, and it has helped me relieve some stress. But I do feel like I need something more to help me get through this stage in my life.

 

I am also considering whether I should even worry about this "fling" guy. He is a nice guy, but a few of my friends have warned me that he has only seen my weaknesses and that he actually was taking advantage of my emotions during that time. This is something I'm also considering!!! I don't want to get stuck with another abuser!

 

Thank you so much guys!!!