she broke it off.. now she wants a 2nd chance....

[conphuzed]

My ex and I broke up back in May of this year.. Her decision, not mine.. We had been on a rocky road for a long time, but I was trying to work through it all.. Optimism.. The last 2 weeks we were really hit or miss.. No communication, little if any time together, one day the "we need to talk" thing came up.. I ran alot of stuff through my head and came to a conclusion, the worst she can do is break up with me. Yeah it'd hurt, but there would be relief in it, given what she's done to me.. About 2 n half years prior to this she cheated on me for a short duration, which I found out about..

 

One day when we were together we were both hungry and decided to get some food. At this point this is where I said "you wanted to talk....... let’s talk". She was kind of grasped by it.. Asked me if I was sure I wanted to do it here.. I told her "it's as good of a place as any". From her mouth.... things weren’t right, you cant storybook a life, she's unsure of this and that, we need some time.. I made the comment of some time apart.. Separate for a couple months.. Let her work out this bug.. She made a comment that "you know most of the times these time apart things people don’t get back together".. This was something I had thought about in prior.. So I just nodded my head with agreement and understanding..

 

When all this was going n I was getting the vibe that ok... we both been committed since we were 20yrs old. Maybe 20 n a half. We’re both 28now, turning 29 in a couple months.. Lived together for a long time.. Neither of us really had time to live an adult life as a single individual.. So I thought she just wanted to go experience the bar scene and date a little bit.. We did the talk at the food joint that day and agreed we'd stay together in the residence till we were both financially set to move out.. I jumped the gun and left early. I had found out that she was seeing someone and actually married then... I wasn’t even moved outa the house and she was married already.. a quick 1 month get to know ya, engagement, 2 weeks later, the courthouse wedding.. So I moved out pretty much as soon as I found this out.. We’d talk online here and there.. Not at first, but the past couple months we'd share a conversation here and there..

 

Late October I met a chick, head over heels for me.. Very complimenting, very passionate. She’s had a ruff past with men and is looking for something good and pure.. We’ve had alot of time to talk and get to know each other. Met her kids, met her parents.. and there is alot of feeling involved on both ends.. My ex sent a txt message the other night stating she missed me and still loved me.. Which come from 3 weeks of complete no contact via an online fight we had was surprising.. When I got the txt msg I was actually with the present girl and she could tell something was wrong..

 

When that breakup took place, I knew she would regret her decision, sooner or later.. But I had never prepared myself for dealing with a discussion of getting back together. She had sent another txt msg asking when we could talk.. We wound up talking at 8:30 last night.. The situation in her words... she messed up.. Thought the wrong things were important, she feels this and that.. And she wants a second chance..

 

It’s hard...... first she rips my hopes and dreams out from underneath me.. Things we had planned on doing for years.. A house, a family.. Walks outta my life, then comes back 6 months later and wants back in.. I have a line for how I will react in a relationship, and its something I developed dafter me and her broke up, I got myself into a 1 way relationship where the other person didn’t care at all.. And I was devastated.. "I’m not gunna freak out over someone till I know they are freaking out over me"..

 

After our phone conversation last night she had to get back to work, but she wanted to talk later that night.. I told her in txt messages that'd we'd talk later, I didn’t want to cancel my plan with the current girl.. When I wouldn’t answer her calls or txt *the phone was downstairs* she left a voice mail saying everything again and ended it with.. "I'm freaking out over here, over you.... I'm freaking out over YOU"... and this **** just bring tears to my eyes. Why couldn’t she have done this before October.. Why now..

 

The current girl feels it.. She knows this is putting me in an extremely difficult place.. And she is fearful of getting hurt by a decision I may make.. She told me herself though, that I should be selfish in this decision.. Think of myself and no one else.. What is gunna benefiting me the most.. And the thing is, I believe I could live a lifeline happy life with either of these 2.. Me and the ex.. We’ve both grown from our time apart.. At least I have, and her words last night make me feels she has as well.. The current girl.. She knows what she wants in life and she feels I have them kinda qualities and and intriguing enough for her..

 

Its one of them forks in the road.. this is the rest of my life I’m looking at.... and right now I’d almost rather throw myself off a cliff then hafta deal with making this decision..

[Krying]

My situation is very similar to yours. However my ex has not contact me since doing the shotgun wedding. She may never again contact me. I'd like to think she will, but that's another story.

 

Maybe this question will help you. Why did you ex only contact you and express her feelings to you now? Is it because she's jealous knowing your in a nice new relationship? Was she dumped by her husband? I'd be interested to hear that.

 

She made the decision and she left you. Not only that, she got married right after she left you. That's about as big a rejection as you can get. You are in a good space I feel to make your choice. The fact your current girl knows you have this choice to make and hasn't freaked out and presured you into making a choice is very telling of her good character. Ultimately it's up to you what you want to do. But your ex left you once, she can do it again. Just because she wants you back now, doesn't mean it will last. You know this too. I hope you make the right choice and are happy. I myself would give anything to hear from my ex. But you made a good point in that you were not prepared or ready for when she did contact you. Would be good to have a game plan if you do talk to her.

[Kamille]

I was the 'new girl' in a similar scenario.

 

Your new girl is very mature. I like her.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't think of this decision as one that will determine the rest of your life. It is certainly an important and life-altering decision, but no matter what you decide, you will eventually come to realize why and how it was the right decision for you. Have faith in yourself that you will make the right decision - or rather, not matter the course you choose, it is the right one for you.

 

That said, please allow me to speak for new girls everywhere when I say that I hope you realize that your ex has a lot more trump in her deck then the new girl. Your ex knows you - knows exactly how to read you and get you. Your ex has a lot more power over you then the new girl does. Which is why your NG has taken the high road by telling you to be selfish in your decision.

 

Also, no matter the decision, please own up to it to the person you leave behind, be she your ex or NG. My ex (guy that left me to go back to his ex) spent months not being able to see through the guilt he felt towards me for walking away, instead of being honest with me about his decision. That annoyed me more then anything because it felt like he was putting me in a victimized position. I would have prefered he said : I am going back to her. We are going to try to make things work.

 

It took him months before he could actually say this. And I needed to hear it for closure. And to know that he respected me as a person. Although he shused me and I just had this whole relapse yesterday over the fact that it probably means he didn't respect me but anyways, I have been rambling on and on about the shush elsewhere on this forum so I'll let it go in this here your thread.

 

Just so you know, last I heard, they were still uncertain as to whether or not they could make things work. Second chances are hard work.

 

And I consoled myself by thinking that he'll probably have to wonder one day what he missed by passing me up.

 

Good luck

K

[conphuzed]

i did ask her last night on the phone how her and the husband we doing.. she said they were fine... she mentioned that early on when she did break up that she had that ther thing to side track her mind.. she feels that maybe its just now that the novelty of her new relationship is wearing off.. maybe now she's comparing the fireworks of the relationships mine were better, and she's seeing that now i think.. and i even told her that im not a bitter person, and an angry person because of whats happened.. if i was, i woulda been able to just tell her to go play in the freeway, that this is all her doing.. but i cant do that.. naturaly after 7yrs i still think about her, and us.. and the things she took from me.. and now wanting to be back with them.. that thought alone hurts me and im not sure if that will be something i can let go off..

[gonetildecember]

Wow! I think you're dealing with this quite well, couldn't say that I'd be as composed.

 

I can't tell you what decision to make, but two things.

 

1) The Only Thing That Never Changes is that Things Change- Knowing this, if you get back with your ex.. two weeks later she could change her mind again, and you would have loss girl number 2.

 

2) I personally am a big believer in second chances, that's why I'm here lol, you an your ex built a foundation and maybe she got cold feet or wanted to experience some stuff before she could really commit. Does she deserve 2nd chance in your opinion..

 

I think girl number 2 gave you the best advice, go with what's good for you, because you're the one that's going to have to live with your decision. As hard as it is for you to hurt one of em, you can't keep them both hanging- waiting is one of the worst things someone can go thru.

 

hope that helped?! lol

 

keep us posted.

[conphuzed]

Wow! I think you're dealing with this quite well, couldn't say that I'd be as composed.

 

I can't tell you what decision to make, but two things.

 

1) The Only Thing That Never Changes is that Things Change- Knowing this, if you get back with your ex.. two weeks later she could change her mind again, and you would have loss girl number 2.

 

2) I personally am a big believer in second chances, that's why I'm here lol, you an your ex built a foundation and maybe she got cold feet or wanted to experience some stuff before she could really commit. Does she deserve 2nd chance in your opinion..

 

I think girl number 2 gave you the best advice, go with what's good for you, because you're the one that's going to have to live with your decision. As hard as it is for you to hurt one of em, you can't keep them both hanging- waiting is one of the worst things someone can go thru.

 

hope that helped?! lol

 

keep us posted.

 

 

every piece of input i get on it helps...

[Don Quijote]

Definitely a tough call. I know that the past seems romantic at times, but what I cannot help to think about in your post is the complete lack of respect that the old girl showed you and how the new girl seems to be several times the woman as old girl.

 

You have to ask yourself if you ever really believe that you will be able to trust old girl after everything she has done over the last six months (i.e. left you, got involved with someone else, got married....). Are you going to be able to hold her hand, lay next to her at night, get intimate with her without thinking about what she has done???

 

New Girl has shown you that she is accepting of how you are no questions asked and that is a very endearing quality. Do you really want to walk out on that and go through the same old stuff???

 

EIther way, out of respect for everyone you should at least separate from new girl and be on your own so that you can figure things out. I wish you the best of luck and hope you that you weigh your options carefully.

[conphuzed]

the new girl definitley is aware what this is doing to me.. definitley pulling me in two directions.. i've asked myself if i'd be able to let the past experiences of the ex go if we got back together.. her advantage in this is is her ability to pull the history card out and use it on me.. things we said we'd do, plans we made, our little knick knack couple things.. phrases and catch lines.. THAT is her advantage.. being she is the one that dumped me, crushing everything.. ripping it out from underneath me.. putting it back in my face is like "yeah i miss that, i'd almost kill to have that again".. if i would have been the one to breakup with her when she cheated on me, that would of been me taking the stand.. im not gunna tolerate this.. the new girl this morning even said to me "do you want me to make this easier on you?". meaning, she'll exit my life, even though she knows how much it'll hurt me.. if she did that though, all it would do is make me pissed at the old girl.. for forcing the new girl away.. the new girl does have her fears of me going back to the old girl, but her thing is "you are a good guy and you make me feel amazing, im aware of what can happen with you and her, but i'll take everything i can get from you for as long as i can"..

what a mess..

[Don Quijote]

That's why I suggested that you separate and not speak to both for a while. That way you will have the emotional detachment to know where your heart truly lies and at the same time will be acting like a true gentleman by not playing games with new girl.

 

Either way, you gotta act soon man, as I forsee a very uncomfortable holiday season quickly approaching you...

[conphuzed]

one of the things that i didnt mention..... the ex stopped by yesterday. i believe she made her 10pm exit when she did so as to be home by the time the hubby came home.. she's not made any mention to him of how she feels about her past.. although he does question her about why she seems so sad as of recently.. also, one of her arguements in why i should take her back is, is cause she feels I CAN trust her now. cause why else would she be going through all this to get me back, just to cheat on me again later on...

 

when i begin to think of the whole thing at hand, my first though is "im gunna end up hurting this girl who's been nothing less then amazing, honest and 100% into me". and that thought kills me..

[Kamille]

when i begin to think of the whole thing at hand, my first though is "im gunna end up hurting this girl who's been nothing less then amazing, honest and 100% into me". and that thought kills me..

 

I'm not exactly sure who you're speaking about here, but I'm assuming it's the new girl.

 

If it is the new girl, tell her about LS and that Kamille is starting a support group for strong independant level-headed woman who unfortunately met great guys at the wrong time.

 

I remember when I came to LS because a guy I was seeing that I was totally into left me to go back to his ex, the only words I had to describe how I felt was : how unfair. It totally felt unfair that he and I would never get a chance to build those dreams together, the ones about trips, the house, children etc.

 

But to this day I still believe he made the right choice for himself. He had a lot of self-esteem issues because of the way things ended between his ex and him and I think he felt he needed to fix that in order to get his life in order. And here she was offering this chance to fix it together.

 

I still vote for the new girl. But don't worry, no matter what your decision is. She sounds like the kind of woman who can tackle the challenges life throws at her.

 

K

[magichands]

I still vote for the new girl.

I vote for the new girl, too.

[simon_uk]

I am pointing out what you already know here but your ex cheated on you, eventually left you and married somebody else. Now she is telling you she wants you back and has changed. But really, how much could she have changed if she is going to leave the husband high and dry with probably not a second thought.

 

She seems very cold and heartless to me.

 

The new girl may not share the history with you that the ex does but there is a lot of time in the future to make that history. She seems very together and totally into you. She is even offering to leave your life to make it easier on you. That is TOTAL respect for you and your feelings. Something your ex doesnt seem to have for you or the new guy.

 

I know how tough your decision must be. You have probably pined for the ex for a long time and now you have the opportunity to be with her again. But from her previous actions I wouldnt count on that being forever.

 

There is no guarantee that the new girl will be 'forever' but at least you have trust and respect from her and I am sure that if she ever wanted the relationship to end, you would get brutal honesty and respect then too.

 

Good luck, I hope all works out well.

[conphuzed]

so last week i posted here how my now ex wanted to get back with me.. it took me a couple of days to muster the courage to seal the deal. i spoke with her the other night about us getting back together and my mind was set on a no answer.. on the phone we talked and i told her that if i got back with her it would be because of the past we shared, that it would still be extremely hard to be with her and not think of the things that were done.. and if a 2nd chance took place i didnt want to hold them things against her, but it would be pretty hard not too.. so did try to persuade me to change me mind and such, but i was pretty strong with it.. when she realized i wouldnt do it, she changed her role to being the concerned friend.. the girl im talking to now does have 2 children from different fathers.. the ex give me the "dont get sucked in by this" "what if the fathers.........." and yada yada.. ive met the kids, im not took grasped by the idea of it all. the girl is able to spread her attention evenly to where i am happy.. i do plan on having my own child*ren* some day and the new girl is aware of this, and still able to produce..

 

so the ex goes on to say something to the effect of "well if we cant be tgether romantically, we cant talk at all, talking with you and seeing you is just reopening the wound". so it was really difficult for me to say "bye" over the phone.. knowing that this person of 8yrs in my life will be gone, possibly forever.. it made me reconsider what i tought.. do i really want this person outta my life.. and i dont, but i dont believe i can live THAT kinda life with her.. my biggest downfall of all this was optimism.. when she cheated on me the first time *the time i caught her* i believed we could work it out..so with her new found feelings.. part of me considered getting back.. i even went as far as asking her what was in her head, a couple days after i told her no.. cause i care. and i always will. we got into a talk and she decided to mention to me that her doctor is switching her meds on her. the doctor believes she has a case of bi-polar depression.. she went on to say things like *exact quotes from chat program* "i dont excuse myself for the wrong things i have done because of a embalance but I sure to attribute them to it.To me this explains alot". "its so relieveing to find a reason that could explain why I did the things I did and I no longer hate myself for it. I can think about the bad things I did and retarded ways i acted and felt until i was blue in the face trying to find a reason why I did them but something was wrong that just needed to be discovered and I look forward to fixing it. ".

 

me and the new girl had a talk tonight where i was honest with her and let her know that i did tell the ex that i wasnt able to go back with her, but i did second questin my decision.. naturally she's concerned with her feelings and the feeling of her children and they have started to take a liking to me.. honestly ive tought more about how i'd be hurting her rather then the children if i were to leave that scenario.. i wanted to be honest with her cause it WAS causng an ackward silence between us.. i had that look, she could tell there was something..

 

so.... i dunno.. where is a bridge around here??

[Rooster_DAR]

I am in the same boat you are...if you find a high enough bridge let me know.

[conphuzed]

note: alcohol doesnt help anything/.

[Krying]

People must take responsibility for their actions. Your ex cheated on you. That was her decision to do that. Whether she has a condition or not and needs meds doesn't mean anything in my mind. She knows right from wrong. She knows her actions will and have hurt you. The more I hear about your new woman, the more I feel you should try to make that work. She is mature enough and has given you space to work out what you are going to do. I can't imagine how hard a decision this is. I'm sure it's eating away at you. But keep in mind that there's only so many times a person can get a chance to "fix" their behavior, be it cheating, lying and other such disgusting things. You know this. People change, but really and often, they stay the same. Good luck man and yeah, lay off the sauce. Keep a clear mind and you'll know what to do.

[CaliGuy]

OP, just based on the information you provided, IMHO you would be a FOOL to take your ex back. She cheated on you (maybe more than once) then dumped you and almost immediately married another guy. You spent 7 years together and within, what, a month of the breakup she is married to some other guy?

 

A big, fat, emphatic NO to the ex! 1000 times NO! She's even trying to manipulate you to take her back by saying "If we can't be together romantically then we can't be together at all." That is emotional blackmail and to heck with her.

 

You've got a woman that appreciates you for who you are. Stick with her. She isn't selfish nor is she playing your emotions.

 

The choice is obvious to me...but I am not in your shoes. I would stay with the one who is WITH me, not the one who left me.

[conphuzed]

the sauce is a rare thing.. usually when i reflect on my situtatin i rflect back t y own parent.. my father caught my mom cheating, gave her a chance.. she blew it. i dont know how many times, i know there were married about 15yrs then she finally dovirced him on another affairs she had.. needless to say she divorced that guy as well and married again she's been married since.. to the newest guy.. maybe 8yrs or so. i dont remmber.. and its hard fr me to not compare scenariois when i think of things lke this.. i dont believe in "once a... always a....

. i usta do alot of bad stuff but i changed.. i guess i give people a major benefit of the doubt..

[Kamille]

It sounds like things are unraveling in your life right now. It also sounds like your ex is desperate to have you back. But like Caliguy said, she should not have to blackmail you into a relationship.

 

You can give people the benefit of the doubt but your heart doesn't have to be on the line. Perhaps she has changed, but the fact is that the two of you share that history together, one that must have been incredibly painful. You have made up your mind that you cannot go back, and she should respect that. This is a big step, an important one, but it sounds to me like you've taken it - and I'm proud of you for that. I guess it's normal too to have a few doubts right after, but you'll see eventually how and why this made sense to you.

 

 

Perhaps you need to take time for yourself to reflect about all this. Again, good luck!

[ritamae]

Remember she is married. She is talking to you about breaking a sacred union. Does that mean nothing to her? If not, why would your union be any different?

I say you should walk away so she can work on her own marriage - as much of a joke as it could be.

 

I do feel bad for the Bipolar diagnosis. That is a tough one for sure. However, there is alot to consider there as well. Do you know anything about that diagnosis? It could be tough to live with (as you have experienced). Even when she is stable (on meds probably) it is very common for the meds to need changing or even more common for the Bipolar person to think they are doing so well, they no longer need the meds. Could be quite the roller coaster life.

 

Anyway, I hope you do not drink too much tonight. It really will not help you with any answers.

[daphne]

conphuzed,

 

I'm sure there are a lot of bipolar people out there who don't cheat. I think that's an excuse for her to be able to relieve her guilt over what she did. Bipolar people aren't psychotic. They may be very sad and very manic, but they do have control over their actions.

 

I know you still care, but I think your ex is a lost cause. 2 kids and someone who really cares about you and hasn't hurt you sure beats the excusing can of crazy who's willing to cheat on you. Sorry if that's harsh, but we've all had crazy exes. And I can say with certainty, that I'm glad I left them behind. Drama is overrated.

[conphuzed]

so the situtaion im in has changed....

 

originally i told my ex that i wouldnt be able to go back with her.. and i was strong in this.. only for a short period.. she had stated a few things to slander the new girl.. things she had heard from someone else the new girl knows.. a co-worker who shes never really spoken too, but has since become friends with because it was the the 3 of us the night i met the new girl.. some character slandering.. the middle girl felt the need to inform the ex about these things, i call it dirt holding.. will i ever know if these things are true, i dont know.. but i do believe these could be lies as an attempt for the middle girl to gain more friendship with my ex.. they had a small fight aver somethings.. anyways..

 

i didnt really listen to any of these things.. ut i made me decision on the ex and it started to chance.. was the time we had, worth a 2nd chance?? 4 n a half solid good years, 2 yrs of crud.. i believe it warranted a chance.. once my mind started things this, i knew i was gunna end up hurting the new girl with these newfound feelings.. it wasnt even that i felt the same way about the ex as i previously have. but the things that were ripped out from me.. were just that, and it was something i wasnt really able to accept.. it wasnt my fault.. "what did i do to deserve these things being taken away?" was what i asked myself.. i was pretty emotional flat for a few days.. wasnt talking much to the new girl, or the ex, but minimal contact was made.

 

in the previous weeks the new girls family invited me to xmas for the holidays.. i knew that when the new girl was gunna ask me if i was going to go, that it was gunna be the straw that broke the camels back.. i told her i wasnt gunna be able t go.. she's spent enough time around me to learn my patterns, how i grow silent and cant look at her that i have something t say.. she asked me "you got something to say, is it gunna hurt me?.. i knew it would.. all i said was "yeah, it is".. and she got up and went to the bathroom,came back and was pretty strong abvout it.. "what is it?" she asked... and i stated i was going to give my ex a 2nd chance.. there was anger.. especially cause she had a odd vibe off me for a couple days, but yet i still insisted we have our plans friday night.. this discussion took place saturday morning.. there were teras, on both parties ends.. alot of pain for bot of us.. i told her that i had not one bad feeling about her, and she had done nothing wrong, but i felt this was something i had to do.. it went on for awhile. it was just as hard for me to deal with as it was for her.. she wound up saying her last words and gave me a kiss goodbye.. even typing this out right now bring tears to my eyes over it.. she didnt deserve to feel this pain.. about an hour after the new girl left i msg'd the ex and told her, if she wanted a chance, she's got it... i was pretty blunt about it.. almost angry.. she called later asked me if i was hungry, maybe we could get a bite to eat.. we met at one of the places we usta go. sat down, talked about miscelanious things. i asked her what she planned on doing about her husband, and she said she'd hafta deal with it..

 

in her eyes the grass is geen where she is, but its greener with me.. her and the new guy are different as a couple then me and her were.. and she is more comfortable with the way me and her were.. she said that if i didnt give her the 2nd chance then she would hafta make what her and the husband have work. it was ackward being with her. i didnt look at her much and if i did i wound up turning away.. i question myself if this is something ill be able to get over.. and im not sure it is.. i mentioned this to her and she said if that's the cas, then she's not going to do anything too rashly right away with her husband..

 

so here i am, ready to reverse my decision and not go with her.. and it kills me to know the pain that i caused the new girl over this.. how could i cause her that pain and possibly ask for her back, i ask myself..

 

i ask myself where the nearest tall bridge is..... this sucks..

[silentalways]

hi there again [lol]

 

i just wanted to leave a note just in case [i know, i know - just go will yah]

 

i have really looked at every issue and problem that has reared its ugly head and i am extremely proud of the fact that even though i have been thru a ton of stuff [and recognize if i have felt this way my ex would as well] - there is a huge difference now because i WILL NOT BE THE WHACKED, WHINING, INSECURE, LOSER, PENIS HEAD BOI EVER AGAIN

and i have set up things and an action plan to ensure i get over that first little hump - then its gravy time

 

all this to say simply, and directed to my ex CAG

 

you know i will always love u

you know i believe u do love me

you know my situation - i cannot contact u because of reports

i would love to see you again, i miss u

you know that i have told u all u have to do is BELIEVE and that's it

you know that i had hoped to marry you and for us to live together

you know that if we ever do met again - we do not discuss the past just relax, chillax then have sex [teasin] we would simply return to the common-sense people we were - and that means, simply there is no need to think of expectations - i think after going thru what we did - its time to give each a break and stop hurting

you know that i there is no pressure to met and as much as going home right now and hearing yer voice on my answering machine would make all the diff, i know i am probably taking to ghosts in my head again so - i am stopping

i want you to realize how far we have come, we already did the hard stuff, now the reward is u and i sharing a triple triple and maybe some night just checking out a band or concert

u know where i live - i have no idea where u do

u have my phone number - i have no idea what yers is

u probably have email and home comp - i have neither

i have no idea if u even bought a house - lol if yes, you looking for a roomie? wink

and last but not least - if you do not want any of these things - that's ok - but i am moving forward and u know how much time we lost already - anyhooooooooooo

 

 

hugs and kisses

 

 

so, i think that should be clear enuff, everyone agree?

[conphuzed]

a little confusing.... but im taking it as the words and feelings from an ex trying to get back with their partner..