Absent Fathers

[Skeptical]

For the six or so years we were married, my husband habitually left me without warning. He would act like he was going to work. Then, days later I would find him camped out in the desert or at his sister's, drinking heavily. His excuse was always that he couldn't make me happy. (Years later, he finally admitted that I didn't make him happy: I was too friendly with my ex, or I was too influenced by my mother, etc.) Like a fool, I'd convince him to come home. Last Christmas he left four days before the holiday. He didn't buy anyone any presents; but he ordered himself a $300 Bowie knife on eBay. He checked into a motel using his mother's credit card. (He's 43 years-old.) When he decided to come home, he stopped at the gas station by our house and had what he thought was a heart attack. He ended up at the hospital. Of course there was nothing wrong with him. Just more drama. Despite all of this, I gave him one last chance. It lasted about four months. I must admit, this time around I was not so nice. I had asked him to empty his ashtray and he told me to do it. I yelled at him about how he didn't appreciate anything. He got yet another low-paying job which he quit when he disappeared--in my car--about six weeks ago. To make a long story short, I tracked my car to his sister's and took it back in the night. I haven't contacted him. In fact, I divorced him during one of his disappearances. On November 6th, he sent our six-year-old a birthday card with a ten dollar bill inside and a promise to see her soon. Why can't I see how he is? Is it because he's actually a very polite person who seems to have a big heart? I always feel like I pushed him over the edge. And why doesn't he care enough to see his daughter? Enlightenment is appreciated. Thanks.

 

BTW: He never takes anything with him. No deodorant, no clothes. I guess that's part of the mystique. ?

[TYASAFAHICSI]

He disappears for days and you were able to divorce him during one of these absences? Hell it usually takes a year or more!

[Guest]

No, sorry for the misunderstanding. There was a point where he left the state for about five months. It doesn't take a year or more in my state.

[Skeptical]

Sorry for the misunderstanding. I divorced him during one of his longer disappearances. That time he actually left the state for about six months.

[Lostgurl]

OMG i'm sorry that you are going through this, i've watched it happen for 10+ years.

 

You could be my sister! He'd do the same thing, every month. But he'd go on these benders and drink up their bank account leaving her with nothing to buy food, gas, etc. Thank god for my Dad, he was always there to help her. He'd cheat all the time, always coming hom a week after he left, broke hungover and sorry.

 

But she'd take him back.. over and over.. Oh how i hate that stupid worthless man!

 

I think that maybe it could be, that you want the challenge of changing his behavior? If you do want him to change, you will only get hurt trying.

 

I seriously don't know what to tell you here, i've witnessed what your going through . He sounds like my sisterss ex-husbands twin. The only thing i can say honey, is if you haven't already left him for good, RUN! What he's doing to you and your kids is VERY damaging, you deserve some one who is going to treat you and your kids right, and eventually be a father figure to your children.

 

I don't know, i could never understand why my sis would take him back. I think it was because she had so many kids with him, and was somewhat dependant on him, but maybe not, because he was always losing his low paying jobs. She claimed she loved him, but the more he did it, the less she cared. And now that she's gaining some independance she's found herself someone new! It still stumps me to this day...