im a crazy ex girlfriend :(

[Tormented]

he has always been the kind of guy that craves attention. he has a low self esteem and part of the reason he broke up with me is because he wanted to go out and get attention from all kinds of girls. he loves the attention.

 

And there's your answer, Miss. He "loves" the attention. Seems to me he enjoys playing head games to get that attention, and you're right, his behavior (mixed messages, etc), indicates low self-esteem.

 

I know you love him, but you've got to ask yourself if this is what you really want - a man who you will have to constantly reassure, balanced with periods of "ignoring" him in order to maintain his level of interest.

 

Sounds like a lot of work to me, not to mention further heartbreak for you. I think you need to spend this NC time focusing on the relationship as a whole and ask yourself some serious questions. After doing so, you just MIGHT find that you don't want him after all.

 

And yes, "ignoring" him will probably gain his interest in you - but for how long?

 

Truth is, Miss, this guy has some issues he needs to work on. You can't do it for him. He has to do it for himself if he hopes to find happiness someday. In the meantime, you need to focus on YOUR happiness, and if you find that he brings more misery than joy, then you need to move on and find a more suitable mate.

 

Easier said than done, I know, but as time goes on you will find that it DOES get a little easier.

 

~T~

[MassiveAtom]

anytime i show him attention he acts kind of distant, but the second i start ignoring him hes asking me whats wrong and paying all kinds of attention to me.

 

exactly the type of scenario Shawn was illustrating. Clearly, handing him NO CONTACT in spades, would send a very strong message...

 

Try "dating yourself" for a little while...you might fid out that you're incredibly loveable all by yourself.

[Don Quijote]

I am really sorry that you have to go through this.I concur with the wisdom of those who proceeded me. I think you need to go no contact in order to gain some measure of control over your emotions. Tormented seems to be right on target for this one.

 

The only suggestion that I would respectfully add is that you may want take a road trip or stay out of town for a couple of days with some relatives/friends and let them pamper you a bit. There is nothing better than home cooking. Good luck...

[dgiirl]

Although I never engaged in the pleading/grovelling with my ex, I was an emotional wreck when I first came to this board and am thankful for the support/compassion I received here. Had somebody told me to "just stop it," I probably wouldn't have returned.

 

Today, I feel much better and I have "stopped it." But I was able to do so through the *gentle* words of support I received here.

 

And that's what makes this board so effective.

 

To each his own. What makes this board so effective is you get a broad range of support and advice. You can be "gentle", I can be "harsh", each method works for different people. But dont scold me for the way I give out advice. During my own recovery, sometimes I needed a kick in the arse and simply told "You're not a victim". It shook me up and made me wake up to what I was doing. She admits that she's acting crazy, and yet claims she's lost "control". I dont agree with that. She's choosing to lose control, and I'm simply telling her she does have control and she can stop it when she sees fit.

[Tormented]

To each his own. What makes this board so effective is you get a broad range of support and advice. You can be "gentle", I can be "harsh", each method works for different people.

 

True enough.

 

But dont scold me for the way I give out advice.

 

Scold??? Is that how you interpreted my suggestion? Either I worded it wrong, or you're being defensive. Either way, that was NOT my intention.

 

During my own recovery, sometimes I needed a kick in the arse and simply told "You're not a victim".

 

The key word here is "sometimes," and that can be said of us all. "Sometimes" we ALL need a good kick to wake us up. But I don't know if that "kick" should be applied at the onset. Yes, she has admitted to acting "crazy." But that doesn't mean that she knows what to do to stop this behavior. Similiar to knowing we have a broken arm, or are diabetic, but without the knowledge and skill to "fix" it, we are helpless to correct it. Sometimes, just KNOWING isn't enough. We need the tools.

 

Now, after receiving the tools (in this case, our support and guidance/suggestions), and the person STILL continues to make the same mistakes, THEN a good kick is in order. I agree. But not initially, when the pain is still raw. But, as you said...to each his own. Guess this one is mine.

 

It shook me up and made me wake up to what I was doing. She admits that she's acting crazy, and yet claims she's lost "control". I dont agree with that. She's choosing to lose control, and I'm simply telling her she does have control and she can stop it when she sees fit.

 

And I understand this, and your advice is sound. Only thing is...you forgot to offer some suggestions with your advice. And if you couldn't tell by her post, she needed it.

 

Just as we all have.

 

Seems to me you and I have been through some pain and have found a way through it.

 

This girl is looking for her way...

 

~T~

[MassiveAtom]

To each his own. What makes this board so effective is you get a broad range of support and advice. You can be "gentle", I can be "harsh", each method works for different people.

 

True enough.

 

But dont scold me for the way I give out advice.

 

Scold??? Is that how you interpreted my suggestion? Either I worded it wrong, or you're being defensive. Either way, that was NOT my intention.

 

See now THIS is what I'm talking about. This is a clear disconnect between two people. Who's fault is it? no ones. Is this what people mean when they say BOTH people are responsible for the misunderstanding?? If so, I say it's hogwash. NO one is responsible for the misunderstanding. they are only responsible for their OWN actions. Tormented said what she said innocuously, and dgirl perceived the way she would naturally. Clearly if both are being authentically themselves, they are both right.

 

But then the perspectives REALLY come into play and they can cause people to square off AGAINST one another. This could easily degenerate into a fallout if these were two different people...

 

I love this place!!

[missmebaby]

i was just wondering something this morning when i woke up.....do guys like him ever change???

[Kamille]

i was just wondering something this morning when i woke up.....do guys like him ever change???

 

Good question. Now you're thinking straight. The answer is, some do, some don't.

 

But until your ex proves to you he's changed, your only responsibility is to yourself. Take care of yourself. go to the gym. Join classes. Keep busy. By the time he's changed, you'll most likely have moved on.

 

That's what happened to me. No wait, my ex hasn't changed... But he did come back and I got to laugh in his face and be like: Nice try, sorry. I now wonder what the hell I was doing being so broken hearted, and acting crazy, over a guy who had so many issues. And why I let a guy like that put me on hold. Me, an absolute prize, on hold?

 

His loss missmebaby, his loss.

[Ssheena]

ok Kamille... I can't help but notice a more than slight resemblence of your new avitar to Mr. Magichands. What's up with that???

[Kamille]

ok Kamille... I can't help but notice a more than slight resemblence of your new avitar to Mr. Magichands. What's up with that???

 

hahaha! It was my engagement present after the Eiffel tower wedding proposal on your question about Quebec.

 

Pink Elephants are so amusing and what can i say, i like amusing elephants. (pun intended).

[Summer2000]

Honey I totally know what you are dealing with..

 

I was with my ex for a year and after we broke up I kept calling, e-mail, everything I could do just to hear his voice and know he was thinking of me... I did not care if he was mad at me, I just wanted him to remember me and not forget about me..

 

I am still having a hard time getting over him, as everyday I want to call him or e-mail him, but I am going on almost a week now and I am out dating new people.. It does not make the pain go away by dating other people, but it does get your mind off your ex for a little while at least..

 

Everytime I want to call him or e-mail him I will call a friend or put a lifetime movie on and be happy I am single again..

 

The way I see it is, that if your man and you broke up, then it is broken, and its time to get YOU back.. Do not chase this man, if you do and you get back together you will always want to know if this man would ever chase you, and more then likely your reationship will not work out..

 

We all know what you are dealing with, that is why we are on this website.. DO not feel like you are the only girl that does crazy things to get there ex attention back.. In fact I think most of us have done that..

 

We are all here to help you.. Just remember this, before you dated your ex you were happy and you will be happy again once you accept the fact that he is not coming back..

 

Summer

[Guest]

thanks so much everyone for the advice and the rude awakening lol. all this time ive acted crazy because ive wanted him back but i couldnt see that it was also giving me the least chance of doing that. now i truthfully do want him back, but i dont know if i ever could take him back. i dont think i could let myself do that. hes just treated me horribly since we've broken up, and he did some really messed up, insensitive, selfish things when we were together. his dad is also a complete as*hole to his mom so im thinking that he is going to grow up to be just like him and thats not something i want to deal with. me and him have plans for me to come over on monday to get my stuff. he told me to call him before i come over. so im thinking im not going to call him or come over. and if he calls me to find out if im coming over im not going to answer or call him back. he will have to wonder what the heck happened to me and where im at. maybe ina few weeks ill contact him so i can come get it.

 

My guess is that in a year from now, when you have not heard from him for so long, it will all make sense. No matter what you do, do NOT call him. Let him call you. That will answer more questions that you have than the ones you ask.

[Tormented]

This could easily degenerate into a fallout if these were two different people...

 

Naw, won't happen. Dgirl and I are too level headed to allow it to get to that point. Basically, it boils down to a difference in style and nothing more. I respect Dgirl for her stance and style. And as she pointed out, a broad view of opinions and styles is what makes this board as great as it is.

 

~T~

[missmebaby]

well i havent talked to him in 3 days! today is the day we planned on me coming over to pick up my things from his house. BUT im not calling him or showing up. and if he calls me to figure out when im coming over im not answering. i will ignore him for as long as it takes until i dont care about him even a tiny bit. haha now lets just see if he even remembers im supposed to come over today or if he will even call to find out if i still am

[Summer2000]

Don't you think the quicker you get your things the quicker you can move on? By not getting your stuff or him getting his stuff is still away for you to hold on..

 

I understand why you are doing that, but I don't think it is healty for you..

[missmebaby]

yea you are probably right. other people have said the same thing. i guess my thinking was that i have been doing much better the past 3 days and i know if i talk to him or see him again like tonight or in the next few days its just going to set me back and make me depressed again. as soon as i contact him again my feelings are going to come back so i was thinking i would wait a few weeks or months until i am over him and then go pick it up. but maybe i should just get it over with.

[Summer2000]

Honey If I were you I would go and get my things from his place, go home get a tub of ice cream and cry for a little while and then you will be able to move on..

 

There is no way in hell you will be able to move on by keeping your things at his place, as you are hoping that he will keep calling you and in the back of your mind you are going to hope that he wants to get back together, but actully he just wants you to get your things.. Ya know

[Still_Crying]

We had a great relatiohship, long distance, but saw each other for 5 days every month, spoke every day like 3 times a day. He would call me as soon as he woke up. His Family were great to me and my family love him. He gets angry fast and does show some Bipolar tendacies. I was patient and was always there for him and sweet to him, calm him down when he gets pissy over little things or get moody.

 

He also had a very low sex drive which is common in depressed men, and I still stayed. I love him. One night in August, he told me it was over because I wanted to stay with him for 2 more days. He said I was with him for 3 and he needs space. I wanted to know, how much more space does one need in a long distance relationship? He got mad and told me to f off, angry as ever. I was crying like a baby and he showed no emotion [bipolar he must be for sure] and i went out that night with an Ex, he picked me up from my family's house since Mr Man said it was over.

 

We just had a drink and chat, nothing intimate or even came close. He was always nice to me, just weren't compatableand ended with a good note. I told Mr Man the day after when I contacted him. He was furious and didn;t answer my calls for 3 days. We made up and here and there he brought up my ex. Childish behaviours and claim he will beat-uo the guy if he sees him. Last monday, we had a petty fight.

 

He started to yell, ''who are you to talk to me, you went out with a man you use to f*$k'' and was mad. Intense mroe like it, out of the blue. I called him back and said please, I do not want to fight about this if you are going to talk about something that happened months ago and something that we got over. I was innocent and apologize for the upset it cause him then and again...

 

This was my break up e-mail I got on wednesday

 

i have not listened to any of your 30+ messages nor am i willing to entertain a

telephone conversation with you, it is obvious to me that we're incompatible and

since you believe that your actions with (ex's name) are not bad

 

i will not entertain discussion from a woman demanding more of me than she did

some bitch she use to **** (and runs back to talk as soon as I say it's over)

 

the only reason i'm sending this e-mail is for you to get it that i no longer

wish to see you, listen to you, hear from you and for you not to contact me

 

goodbye and best wishes for your future

 

do not ever contact me again

 

I called him and have been all week, crying, sent e-mails - he hasn't answered his phone once... it rings and rings... a week before this, everything was great... he goes up and down.. this is the worst so far. I got my grandma to leave a message for him, he never called even with that...

I am dieing inside, I even went to tell him I feel like killing myself and that I will - to end the pain... I know it's crazy, but just as the end of a beautiful came as a shock - i am in shock too.

 

I came across this site and read this board. My friends keep saying the same thing and I know they are right - I just have to make that step to control myself and realize that this might be a blessing in disguise. If he love me or care for me, his will call me when he snaps out of his rage. If he doesn't, I want to be left behind with some sanity.

 

I am happy I read these posts. I will not call him again, until he calls me. His method alone for breaking up should make him feel ashame. He knows I am weak and crying, he knows I care... I just want to see how cold he can get. Then if he decides to come back when behaviour shifts, he better pray I didn't move on.

 

I will not call him, e-mail nor text... he is miles away, good chance for me to get over him... I'll still cry

 

ps - look at the reason he said we are incompatable... irrational man ending a 1.4yrs relationship

[BannaBee57]

Still_Crying, I think you should start your own thread for this one!

 

I will give you a piece of advice though. When he broke up with you the first time he had no right to be mad at you for seeing your ex. He dumped you so you can do whatever you want! He sounds like a controling, manipulative a**.

 

You need to stop trying to contact him. When you want to call or e-mail try thinking about some of the shi**y things he's done to you in the past. In a little while you will realise that you're better off without someone like that with all his emotional problems. Good luck!

[missmebaby]

ok well i will go get my things, i see your point how it is giving me a little hope that he will call me. he hasnt called me tonight to see why i havent come to get my things like we planned. i didnt really think he would, i know he doesnt care anymore. he got over his last girlfriend right away, literally like the next week. because he asked me to be his girlfriend and he ignored her and didnt want anything to do with her. he was with her for a year just like me so i know he has gotten over me right away also probably. and he wouldnt call me anyways because he is stubborn and even when we were still friends and still hanging out he would never call me because he said he didnt want to call in case i was with another guy. he has it in his head for some reason that i hang out with guys like every night so he refuses to call me. i cant get my things anymore tonight because it is too late and i have plans the next 3 nights and then i work the weekend. so i will try for monday of next week i guess. i wish it could be sooner but i just dont have time with class, work, and my plans the next few nights. yes i actually have a date tomorrow night and the next night. YES:) then thursday i have an appointment with a counselor to talk about everything. so its looking like monday will be the soonest i can go. this really sucks, i wish he cared even a little bit. we saw each other almost every day for a year and he forgets me this easily.

[Summer2000]

Sweetie, It is not possable for someone to forget about anyone just like that.. It takes time..

 

I know what you are saying by you wanting him to feel some kind of pain as you are, but the fact is, he is just handling things different then you..

 

My ex broke up with me and we were together for a year as well, he on the other hand used me for a entire year for sex and I thought he loved me.. Now he just walked away and calls me every once in a while to try and get sex again, but does not feel any type of missing me as a person..

 

So I really do understand what you are dealing with... But try to think of this.. you are going to ache and feel pain for a little while and when you meet the right man you will be in a healty realtionship, as you are dealing with the healing process.. If that makes any sense..

 

Try not to worry about him and just try and take care of yourself.. It is your ex that is missing out on a great girl.. So let him go and you will find the right man..

 

I am glad you are going out on a date tomorrow.. I have been dating a little too, its weird at first, but as time passes it will get easier..

 

We are all here for you, and we all know what you are dealing with.. I have lost my man about 3 months ago and now I have my good days and I have my bad, but the good days are begining to become more then the bad..

 

We love you!!!

[mental_traveller]

I had an ex who kind of acted like this. And yes, I still think of her as the one who went all "bunny boiler" on me. She made me a believer in "no contact" after a split, and her behaviour after I dumped her pretty much overshadowed all the good things she'd done while we were together.

 

So, that's what will happen to you if you don't change your behaviour. Bunny boiler, or normal well-adjusted human being - which do you want to be?

[Summer2000]

I just think it is best for you to get your things and move on.. If he comes back to you then you know it was meant to be.. But the more you push him the less he will want you back.. He knows right now he can have you in a second, don't let him know this.. Just get your things and let him do the chassing if he wants to get back together..

 

I don't think he looks at you bad, I just think he needs some space and you do as well.. I am sure your ex knows you pretty well and he knows you are not crazy, you are just letting your emotions get the best of you right now.. We all have done it.. I promise, you are not the only one to go off and pretty much beg and pled for him to take you back..

 

I hope you are doing okay tonight, I know you said you have a date, please let us know how it is going.. I am also going on a date tonight.. So we can swap stories!

[Guest]

you know, dont be so hard on yourself .. remember HE made you feel this way. and no one gives us a handbook when we are born on how to act during a break up. these are just things we learn as we get older and him or the next person we know better to not do a 2nd time.

 

the guy i was with, i tell you... when i was acting nuts, he blocked me, called me names, yelled at me, was mean to me... anything to get me to shut up and get away from him. everyone around me was telling me to stop contacting him and all i could think about was... well if i stop he will forget about me, and then i will NEVER have a chance with him ever again.

 

NOT...... cuz i as i said above, two weeks later he wanted me back and was saying how sorry he was and he wanted to earn ME back.

 

if he loves you ... and this is something i cant tell you since its between the two of you only.. but if he does, leaving him alone to think is the best best thing to do.... and trust me i am doing the same as we speak and its driving me nuts. so take comfort in knowing you are NOT a crazy ex, but just someone thats been hurt deep and didnt know how to handle it..

 

that's what i am afraid of, if i stop contacting him, he'll forget about me..i just want him to know that I've changed and I've stopped doing the things i did wrong..but..god how do i stop..i talked to him everyday for 3 months how am i spose to just stop?

[D-Lish]

It's super hard to go from daily contact to nothing. But in the long run, it's much easier to get over things if you don't have any contact.

 

My ex broke up with me over the phone after a year together and he hasn't spoken to me since. I have reached out to him on a couple occasions via e-mails... but have never gotten a response from him.

I have WANTED to call and reach out every single day.... but I just stop myself.

 

It's natural to want the constant contact, but if they're making it clear they want space... pressuring them will leave them with an impression that we're needy, desperate and lost without them. That's never a good impression to leave someone with.

 

Get into the habit of keeping yourself busy. Instead of calling him~ call a friend or post here.... It gets easier to stick to NC the more you practice.

Like I said, I think abotu contacting him every day... But I remind myself that it's not what he wants. As hard as that is to internalize, it truly is the best course of action.

 

One day at a time...