Weak and Angry Moments

[Trialbyfire]

Okay, I'm having one of those late night/early morning weak moments. How do you stop yourself from communicating one more time with a cheater and emotionally ripping them to shreds? Again, I don't hate him but the amount of revulsion I feel sometimes eats into me. I want to lash out and hurt him, no devastate him, one more time and yet know that it's better for me to continue with NC. I know all his trigger points and know he's still in love with me to the best of his selfish, narcisstic ability.

[Guest]

I want to lash out and hurt him, no devastate him, one more time

 

You won't. You'll just debase yourself by behaving badly. Stay out of the gutter.

[Trialbyfire]

You won't. You'll just debase yourself by behaving badly. Stay out of the gutter.

Do you feel that only the cheater has the right to the gutter?

 

Now I'm curious. The cheater gives irrevocable pain without thought beyond selfish desires. Should the person that he wronged not have the opportunity to return it? If that person chooses to return it, why is that so bad?

 

Completely off-topic, you should sign up as a member.

[johan]

You could try something, but I'm guessing you won't feel better. You could actually feel worse. You could come out of it

- feeling ashamed of your own behavior and feeling no better that him.

- finding that the pain you inflict on him actually doesn't make any difference how you feel.

- having the whole thing backfire on you in some way you didn't predict.

- actually hurting him and feeling bad about it, regardless of your own pain

- escalating things in some way and having him turn on you

- delaying the amount of time it takes you to recover because you're just keeping the wounds open

 

Easy for me to say, I guess. I can imagine the anger you feel is very intense. After the anger and pain has gone away and you've moved on, I predict you'll be glad if you don't take revenge. There are some healthier and more productive ways to deal with those feelings that could actually make you a better person.

[Trialbyfire]

During those moments of weakness, I honestly don't care about repercussions. A part of me says "bring it" because I know I'll win this battle due to my knowledge that I dehumanize during those moments. No holds barred. That is how much anger and disgust I feel.

 

This morning I can look at it a little better. What stops me is the damage to my own psychy with all the negative emotion. In all honesty, I don't really care what happens to the cheater. I see no reason to care about his feelings in the least.

[Guest]

Do you feel that only the cheater has the right to the gutter?

 

The 'right' to the gutter? Well, if you like wallowing in filth, jump right in. I wouldn't call it a 'right' but a sentence.

 

Now I'm curious. The cheater gives irrevocable pain without thought beyond selfish desires. Should the person that he wronged not have the opportunity to return it? If that person chooses to return it, why is that so bad?

 

Because following someone in doing misdeeds makes you as bad as that person. It removes your dignity.

 

I don't really care what happens to the cheater

 

Yeah you do. You want him to suffer, which means you're not over him. When the hate has dissolved into indifference, then you'll be over him. Until then, vent your spleen in a journal. Smash some plates you always hated anyway. Punch pillows. But don't take revenge because when your head clears, you'll be ashamed of yourself for stooping to his level.

[Trialbyfire]

The 'right' to the gutter? Well, if you like wallowing in filth, jump right in. I wouldn't call it a 'right' but a sentence.

 

Because following someone in doing misdeeds makes you as bad as that person. It removes your dignity.

 

Yeah you do. You want him to suffer, which means you're not over him. When the hate has dissolved into indifference, then you'll be over him. Until then, vent your spleen in a journal. Smash some plates you always hated anyway. Punch pillows. But don't take revenge because when your head clears, you'll be ashamed of yourself for stooping to his level.

If I had dignity it got lost in the triangular relationship that was forced on me. In a situation like this, I think that dignity has nothing to do with what has happened and what is happening.

 

As for not being over him, a phrase that is overused. If you mean that I still care enough to want to rip him to shreds so that he never recovers, you would be correct. As for not being over him from the perspective of wanting the relationship back, ummm...NO. Why would I ever want to invest any positive emotions towards that piece of slime again?

 

Btw, your responses remind me of someone.

[Anka]

Oh please, here is another over used phrase, but sooo true

'living well is the best revenge'

 

Seriously, why do you care? Why bother? Wht focus on it at all? Your not with him anymore, move on! Let him go on his slimy, cheating way.

I got cheated on by my hubby(now ex) while i was pregnant. I could get revenge, sure, but why bother?

You are not going to 'teach' him anything, all you would do is shame yourself. '

 

There is nothing you could do that would bother him more then not caring anymore.

[Trialbyfire]

How long ago did your husband cheat on you? Have you ever cheated on him?

[Anka]

He is my EX now, and I was four months pregnant with my second daughter, who is 15 months old now, so awhile ago.

I found out march 26 2005, it had been going on with a co worker for a few weeks.

And i did meet the guy im engaged to while i was still M to cheater, but i was in the process of ending it...Cheater was also a nutball, so i had to be very careful.

[Trialbyfire]

Ah, that's why you're so cavalier about it. You've had time to heal. I can guarantee you wouldn't be so casual if it was recent.

 

So technically, you are a cheater too.

[Anka]

Oh, i was a mess at first yes, i even took off out of the house with the intention to cheat back.

But i was pregnant, and didnt really want that.

I had all kinds of fantasies about doing horrid things to OW, I even wanted to sue her because the stress gave me pre term labor and i was hospitalized for weeks.

I wouldnt say you ever really heal back to how you were, this crap changes you forever. But the healing will not start if you dont allow it to.

How long ago was it for you?

[Trialbyfire]

The final split was within this month.

[Anka]

Ahhhh, well its still fresh.

But you have broken it off, its over, your done with him.

 

Now, instaed of focusing on him, which he doesnt deserve, you need to take care of YOU.

Pamper yourself. Cry if you need to, beat pillows, buy some new clothes, try a different hairstyle.

Try to think about a whole new part of your life opening up and allow yourself to get excited about it. Go out, do the stuff you wanted to do but couldnt because you were in a R.

And dont let what he did bitter you- that is the worse!! Make it a goal to come out stronger and wiser.

You will not get to him, and you will not heal by lashing out at him.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree that I won't heal as quickly by lashing out at him but the satisfaction will be worth the extra pain. If I don't do it, I suspect that I'll never heal. As for bitterness, yes, I will be bitter to him for the rest of my life.

 

Will I be bitter towards other men? Not that I've noticed at work or at play. I've already been out on a date with a guy from work who is so good for me. I've known him for awhile, therefore, feel that I know him enough to do this. He's not in it for the long-term and neither am I. It's way too soon to get into something without it being a rebound situation.

[Anka]

It really isnt worth it, and it wont help anything.

 

If you do, all you will be doing is proving that your not over him(this willbe what he sees) and people will think you are nuts.

And, believe it or not, you wont be bitter to him forever, unless you choose to be.

You are giving him way to much power over you. You need to take that power back.

Yes, betrayal hurts like a biyach, but you can gain a strenth and wisdom from this that can make it worth the pain. If you choose to.

And, it takes awhile to really know how deep the damage went. Im moved on from it, im getting married to a wonderful man this may, and i still have trust issues. It getting better, but its hard. And from time to time i get triggers, but they are few and far between.

You have a long way to go, your still on the surface, the anger part.

Try to find ways to let it out that dont include interacting with him, and when you see him, act indifferent. That will be worse for him then any tongue lashing.

Keep in mind, this is just a stage, and it will pass.

Take care of YOU.

[Trialbyfire]

Nah, you fail to understand that I really don't care if people think I'm nuts. Being considered nuts can help to forward my agenda.

 

You see, part of the issue is that people never learn anything if someone walks away with dignity. It's why serial cheaters continue cheating and it's why you paid him back. In your own way, you took that power back by cheating on him in the end. I won't do that.

[Anka]

LOL no, it wasnt like that....

I was in a abusive sit. I was afraid for my life when i kicked him out.

 

Life is about learning. Pain is a part of life. You may not care NOW, but you will when this part is over.

You will get over it.

I didnt take the power back by cheating on him, thats not how it went.

He knew i had feelings for another, i told him. And that was after i separated from him and asked for a D.

You take the power back when you make the choice to heal. To brake free of the victim role.

and no, you dont learn by walking away with dignity, you learn from your experience. But diginty is important.

Your agenda should be on yourself and getting on with life. Not plotting agianst your ex.

[Fun2BMe]

I can relate to your situation and have been in a similar one where the breakup is still fresh and you want to say one last thing to get it off your chest and to let him know how hurt you are and what a scum he is for cheating. All the advice you will get will be to keep it in, walk away, do NC. But then you will be going crazy in your mind and not be able to think of anything else other than the words you want him to hear from you.

 

It might be best FOR YOU to get it out and then move on as long as your plans and hopes are not to get back together. He might be delighted to see you are hurting this much over him and that your feelings are so raw. Maybe you hurt him by ending things so he will be happy to see that you too are hurting. Again, it won't be good to expect anything from him out of this other than it might let you to get things out and finally move on for good.

[Trialbyfire]

I honestly understand what you're saying but being a victim to me constitutes someone who won't do anything about it. Someone who walks away and lets the slime continue onto his next victim. If what I do makes him hesitate for a second, if only because he's concerned about the repercussions, it's a second more for his next victim.

[Anka]

But it wont.

And as long as you are in this place, you are still a victim of his cheating. The things are feeling are a resault of his actions.

Attacking him will do nothing.

You can get beyond him and this mess he inflicted on you, but consider this...

 

Really happy, moral, secure people dont cheat and hurt others that love them. He will not be truely happy if he continues his games. He will be living a life with self loathing, deception and no real intimacy.

 

Trust me, he will/is going to punish himself. He will real what he sows(is that how thats spelled?lol)

 

But you can learn and move on and live a happy, honest life.

[Trialbyfire]

I've been nothing but honest all my life and in this situation, more than honest. There are things I need to get off my chest before I can proceed onwards. I see no reason why I shouldn't off-load my burden onto the person who caused it.

[Anka]

Because HE is your burden. Because he deserves NO MORE from you then what he has already gotten.

This is why we have therapy. are you in IC? Do have a good support system? (like friends and family)

[Trialbyfire]

No, no therapy but I have an excellent support system. Of what I've seen of therapy from people around me that have taken it, it teaches you the proper terminology but not really the way to handle it. Therapy is a way to get this off your chest and learn to address it in a way that makes sense for you. Surprisingly, I'm fairly in touch with who I am and what drives me. I just need to get rid of this bile and in order to do it, I need to vomit it all over the cause, lol.

[Anka]

Thats understandable. But you only want this right now because your going through the anger.

Things happen in life that change you. We never stay the same person. We live, we love, we get hurt.

He really isnt worth your time at this piont. He wont get it. You wont get want you need this way.

You need time, and support. And possibly some IC.

I consider myself a well adjusted person, i know myself pretty well to, and if something like IC can get me through a bumpy part im first in line.

Maybe try writing him some letters, dont send them, just write, get it all out, throw them in a box and be done with them.

I did that and it helped.