crack_jack Posted November 25, 2006 Share Posted November 25, 2006 Hi. I'm a girl in my late 20's , I met my bf about 2 yrs ago and everything seems to head in the right direction. He is 5 younger than me, but I've been ok with that from the start. My problem is the fact that I cannot help but feel guilty towards him about my past. He's a very decent guy (I was his first), and to be honest, in the beginning I didnt tell him much about my past, but when I recently did tell him some things it seems to bother him a bit. I changed a lot since my old days and I wouldn't go cheating on him. Do you think he'll ever get around this(my past)? It's hard for me to tell him things (and he asks me a lot) , because I'm afraid once I tell him how I used to be, I might scare him off. I wish I could turn back time and delete everything but I guess I can't . Sometimes I feel he deserves more than me, because he really waited for "the right one", while all I did in my young days was to play around with guys a lot. What can I do to make it happen between us ? I really love him, but I also want him to be happy; can he be happy with me ?:(:(:(:(:(:(:( Link to post Share on other sites
oyster Posted November 25, 2006 Share Posted November 25, 2006 Hi. I'm a girl in my late 20's , I met my bf about 2 yrs ago and everything seems to head in the right direction. He is 5 younger than me, but I've been ok with that from the start. My problem is the fact that I cannot help but feel guilty towards him about my past. He's a very decent guy (I was his first), and to be honest, in the beginning I didnt tell him much about my past, but when I recently did tell him some things it seems to bother him a bit. I changed a lot since my old days and I wouldn't go cheating on him. Do you think he'll ever get around this(my past)? It's hard for me to tell him things (and he asks me a lot) , because I'm afraid once I tell him how I used to be, I might scare him off. I wish I could turn back time and delete everything but I guess I can't . Sometimes I feel he deserves more than me, because he really waited for "the right one", while all I did in my young days was to play around with guys a lot. What can I do to make it happen between us ? I really love him, but I also want him to be happy; can he be happy with me ?:(:(:(:(:(:(:( you will have to wait for him to mature emotionally before he can absorb information overload. Just spin the conversation towards the future, deflect the past for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Xhie Posted November 25, 2006 Share Posted November 25, 2006 Tell him what he wants to know. Right now all your doing is hiding who you are from him and making him wonder about what your not telling him. Without honesty you cant have a relationship. He will continue to get more and more frustrated and angry about this subject because you continue to hide it from him. Its also a respect thing, you need to respect him enough to let him make his own decisions, you are not letting him do this right now. Link to post Share on other sites
James8888 Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 OK, I'll tell you this. You are in kind of a pickle here. And, I know first hand. If you tell him that your past is your past and you're not going to go down that road he will wonder and even obsess a bit. If you tell him everything he'll probably freak and obsess even more. Check out my own experience in this group "troubled with wife's past" Here's what can happen when something is hidden and when the partner digs for the past. It can be a very, very ugly thing. It took me a lot of weeks of pain and analyzing to get this to a good place that I can deal with. From a man's point of view (and one of experience) I'd be honest and just tell him you had other partners, had some fun but that's all done now and you love him...and only him. I wouldn't get into any specifics and tell him that you seen first hand what digging up a past can do. Don't lie but don't get into it too much and then drop it FOREVER. And, tell him to do the same. If he can’t then he may not be the one for you. Some people here talked about total divulging of one's past. I'm not on board with that totally. If he's obsessing now you really, really don't want to see him after you tell him the whole package. I'm glad I have the truth about my wife's past. And, I was no saint either. But, if I could go back to that day I found out about her 3-way I'd tell to just keep it to herself. I'm good with it now but it caused a lot of pain. He doesn't seem like he's strong enough to deal with your past either. Again, be truthful and if something's going to come out down the line that is bad then you should tell him before he finds out from other sources. If it's buried and won't ever be an issue then just let it die. He'll be better off for it. If he were very open-minded and could handle it...I'd say let it all out. But, it just doesn't seem like he is. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 I cannot help but feel guilty towards him about my past Sometimes I feel he deserves more than me, because he really waited for "the right one", while all I did in my young days was to play around with guys a lot. How do you feel about your past if you think about it without thinking about your bf or his reaction to it? Do you feel ashamed or guilty for having some fun? Or do you feel guilty just because of your bf? Would you feel guilty at all if you were with someone who had more experience sexually than your bf? If you were with a guy who didn't care at all about what you had done before him, would you feel at all guilty? My point is that you don't have to feel bad just because you've had more partners than your bf has. If he feels bad, that's in HIS mind, and doesn't mean you were any kind of bad person. So don't let his inexperience and anxiety make you feel bad about yourself if you weren't feeling bad before you started dating him. As far as what to tell him, you don't have to go into detail about what you may have done. You can outline the basics - "I've had some long and short relationships, and I've had sex without being in a committed relationship" - but you don't have to give specific numbers, names, and dates and details. Nothing you did had anything to do with him, so outside of revealing any STD issues, I don't see why you have to tell him about your sexual history in detail. Your sexual history isn't the most important thing about you; if he thinks it is, or if he makes it so, then you might not be a good match for each other. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 I don't see how your past is his issue, I see it as your own. You are the one who's uptight about it and wishes they could turn back the clock. But here's the thing. What you've been through has made you who you are today. Without these experiences, you wouldn't be the same person. And maybe he wouldn't have been attracted to you. My biggest concern is if he's dwelling on numbers, I may take that as he's hoping to even the score. Does he seem the type to regret not having many partners? Link to post Share on other sites
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