Anyone else have Borderline???

[kbah]

Just curious who on here HAS borderline personality disorder.

 

If so, can anyone offer any insight to recovery or personal experiences?

[blind_otter]

Read "I hate you, don't leave me"

http://mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?id=45&type=book&cn=8

 

It was written by a mental health professional who has borderline personality disorder. I would be wary of discussing this with too many people as there is a huge stigma attached to this disorder.

 

Basically, "borderline" was coined only recently, in the last 40-50 years or so. Freud had no diagnosis for people afflicted with this disorder and treatment options were dismal. Many borderline patients were pushed into permanent psychosis from improper treatment. That, IMO, is the worst kind of victimization of the mentally ill.

 

Borderline refers to the fact that individuals with BPD live in the borderland between psychosis and neurosis. They have horrible coping mechanisms, possibly due to childhood trauma, and as a result have psychotic breaks from reality when they are under extreme stress. They tend to have a poor idea of what is causing their psychic discomfort and they externalize like mad, engaging in crazy making behaviors to make their external environment match the emotional chaos that they feel inside.

 

They can be very mature in certain aspects of their lives, and extremely emotionally immature in others. It takes A LOT of work, inpatient, outpatient, or both, to make progress with this disorder. Many patients break off therapy within a few months and have lifetime problems with relationships, but are able to function relatively normally at work. It's a bizarre issue, and one that needs more exploring, IMO.

 

Interestingly enough, many people "mature out" of borderline personality disorder and find themselves feeling more emotional relief as they age. This could be a delayed emotional maturation process, I tend to suspect it is. That individuals who experienced massive trauma as children attend to other issues and neglect their own emotional development due to poor coping skills.

[kbah]

I am curious..

 

What is this stigma?

 

The only thing I can see is the "outward crazy behavior" which really is a way of communicating one's internal feelings. Granted this is not acceptable in adult society, it IS a way of communication and should be treated with understanding by loved ones....not fear or rejection.

[SoCalCatman72]

I have read the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and found it to be highly insightful as well as an easy read. I highly recommend it.

[luvtoto]

Just curious who on here HAS borderline personality disorder.

 

If so, can anyone offer any insight to recovery or personal experiences?

I was diagnosed with early 2002. How do I deal? I avoid any kind of drama in my life. I keep my life very mundane. I have trouble dealing with my emotions when I get hurt by someone. Most people can just shrug it off. I, on the other hand, burn unnecessary bridges.

 

One minute, I like a person...next *wham* I am shut off forever. Didn't really know what was wrong with me. I don't have very many friends other than coworkers. People I have to have in my life. I can always think of reasons to shut people out of my life.

 

I don't tell anyone that I have this disorder, because I get it thrown back in my face down the road...or people just think I am crazy. For instance, my bestfriend was treating me crappy for years. I told her that I didn't have a desire to be friends anymore. All she had to say was, "Well, your bipolar disorder won't allow us to be friends!" At that point in my life, my disorder was under control.

 

For me, being diagnosed was 95% of my battle to get better. After a name was given to my problem, I read up on the disorder and realized the WHYness of my actions. I could relate with many things I read in the book. (don't remember the name of it)

 

I have a very hard time bonding with people because of childhood trauma. I have a life where people just come and go. They never stick around. I don't allow them too get close enough to me. That is the disorder talking.

 

It's just easier being alone, than to fight with the disorder.

 

However, I really do want someone special in my life, and I keep trying to let someone in...but, at the moment, I am losing the battle.

[blind_otter]

wow that was a great post, luvtoto. Kudos.

 

The stigma? I guess borderline has a bad wrap because of movies like "single white female" and "fatal attraction". I think so, anyways. And I've heard several people and professionals tell me that borderline doesn't respond well to outpatient treatment, that at a minimum it takes one year of inpatient treatment to really make noticeable progress.

 

It's depressing, anyways. To me, at least.

[luvtoto]

wow that was a great post, luvtoto. Kudos.

 

The stigma? I guess borderline has a bad wrap because of movies like "single white female" and "fatal attraction". I think so, anyways. And I've heard several people and professionals tell me that borderline doesn't respond well to outpatient treatment, that at a minimum it takes one year of inpatient treatment to really make noticeable progress.

 

It's depressing, anyways. To me, at least.

Thanks, B_O.

 

I hesitated posting my secret. But, I figured it might help someone else.

 

B_O, do you have the disorder? I don't want to assume.

[blind_otter]

yeah I have borderline. It flares up when stress happens, like recently with my Dad dying and all that....URGH! I hate it. It's so frustrating to feel not in control of myself.

[luvtoto]

yeah I have borderline. It flares up when stress happens, like recently with my Dad dying and all that....URGH! I hate it. It's so frustrating to feel not in control of myself.

When my dad died of cancer last year, my crazy bio-mother kept calling me about his pending death & then, funeral.

 

This was the same mother that had been stalking me for year prior.

 

I couldn't go to my dad's funeral, because I knew she would be there. I couldn't handle that kind of stress.

 

I never want to experience the loss of a loved one again, having this disorder. So, like I said, it's just easier to have as few loved ones as possible in life. The fewer close people I have in my life, the better off I am.

 

No one can possibly relate to that unless you have the disorder, I am pretty sure of that.

[kbah]

BO..this may sound weird, but I like that you used the term "flare up." It makes me feel comfortable knowing that having the disorder doesn't mean you are consumed at all times.

 

My mother is an undiagnosed borderline I have been in therapy for almost three months now and I'm pretty sure I am as well...

 

The counselor tells me "I have traits of Borderline.." but I think this is her way of avoiding making or implying an actual diagnosis. I have most of the symptoms....as CORE parts of my personality.

 

Anyways, I am real frustrated now, bc no end seems in sight.

 

Any advice how to DEAL (I'm in a serious relationship now of 2 yrs. and BOY does that make it even more difficult)

[luvtoto]

Any advice how to DEAL (I'm in a serious relationship now of 2 yrs. and BOY does that make it even more difficult)

What kind of problems are you experiencing? How do you feel BPD had affected your life?

[blind_otter]

Well I cope with self help books and therapy. I'm also on this new medication called "abilify" that seems to help with the breaks from reality when I get really crazy or compulsive about things.

 

But I know from experience that being in a relationship with this disorder is a nightmare. Many times I tell my partner this, to get out while he can. Get away from me while I self-destruct. He won't leave, though. He is more positive and is convinced that I will get better over time.

 

But it is frustrating, arduous, a constant process of self-examination and challenging faulty thinking patterns. I have notebooks filled with that kind of stuff and I get marginally better, then worse, then better. It's a weird cycle to be in. Like being bipolar, but worse because the mood fluctuations are so severe and so fast.

 

Like luvtoto, I try to limit my social circle to those who understand my issue, it's a small circle -- but it's too hard to maintain all those friendships and stuff, for me anyways.

 

That book, "I Hate You - Don't Leave Me" was a great book, though.

[ICS]

I don't have borderline, but my ex-girlfriend of 5 years does. During our time together I looked into many books, and one that seems to be rather popular is: "Stop Walking on Eggshells", it's written for people who have friends/loved ones with borderline personality disorder.

 

All I can say is, good luck, and I hope things do get better for you.

[Guest]

Odd that I would happen upon this message board today. I've got BPD. Haven't done much reading about it. It's so depressing to see all of your behaviors laid out on a page by someone you don't know, making all the craziness seem somehow structured.

 

I've been an inpatient on 3 occassions because I entered a state of psychosis and was going to kill myself (yeah, depressive too). These were brought on by situations of high stress, so each time I got out of the psych hospital I had to remove myself from those causes.

 

I would highly recommend being an inpatient. It was terribly difficult at times but it was so nice to have all of the stress of responsibility lifted for a while.

 

I believe that someone with BPD absolutely needs a therapist that they have an extremely good relationship with. I imagine I'll be going for the rest of my life, since when I think I'm ok it will "flare up" as someone said. One problem I have is that I get the feeling that the therapy isn't helping or that I'm ok and it's a waste of time and I'll stop going, even go off my medication. That leads to a total breakdown, of course, but it happens over and over again. Irrational behavior, irrational thinking, self-destructive behavior, emotional swings, and on and on.

 

I too have little to no friends, no significant other and for no good reason. A lot of times I wish I had a peer that could understand what this is like. It seems like nobody understands how difficult day to day living can be. It seems like they belittle my emotions. But then again, I know from my therapy that this isn't neccessarily true. Most the time I'm just unsure about everything.

 

Something my psychiatrist gave me that's not actually related but helped anyway was a workbook called "10 days to self-esteem" or something like that. It teaches you through exercises to recognize aspects of your thought process that are irrational and to take control of it. Cognitive Behavior Therapy. Good stuff.

 

Sorry that was rather long and rambling. It's been a rough day and I felt the need to speak to others that may be going through what I'm going through.

[kbah]

Hey Guest...

I am glad that you replied! Thanks so much...

Maybe you could create an account and we could keep in contact through LS. It would be nice to have someone to share experiences with. Let me know!

[Mz. Pixie]

My mother was BPD, narcassistic.

 

There is a huge stigma. I fully believe it is because many of these people are abusive, as my mother was.

[kbah]

I posted this on another thread, but I kind of wanted your advice...bc I know you would understand this (me being this way)

 

With my bf for 2 years...I'm 23 and he's 22.

 

-Last night he told me he's tired of me being "self-centered"

-He told me everything is about me and I never put him first

-He said "change or we're over"

 

The thing is, I KNOW I can be self-centered, but I try really hard not to be and I AM TRYING. This IS something I want to change, but being self-centered is kind of a coping mechanism I have developed to deal with problems as a child. In other words, it's just how I am! (I want to change, but my point is that I have always been like this our WHOLE relationship).

 

Anyway, I asked "do you like the person you are with now..." and he said "no"

So I said, "Basically, you like the person you WANT ME TO BE."

 

Even though I do want to change this, the "change or were over" attitude does not set right with me....It's PART OF ME and part of my PERSONALITY....not just a behaviour or change in behavior.

 

Blind Otter: This is part of me...I gave him the analogy of this "What id I said stop being an optimistic person or we're over" and I told him he would not know how to even go about changing that....it's the way he is.

Granted, I don't particularily LIKE being self-centered and I want to change, I feel this is so HUGE to ask the person you are dating (but seriously dating) to change. DO you? (I guess I need some validation..hehe)

[riobikini]

I agree with B_O's explanation conveying that BPD is kind of like the "almost there" grab bag that just falls short of the diagnosis of a more serious illness/disorder.

 

For Instance:

 

I think BPD, in a person who is "almost" Bipolar can present with more emphasis of overall (classic? ) Bipolar symptoms while in another, who just falls short of another type of mental illness/disorder, the symptoms of *that* illness may be emphasized, etc., etc.

 

Personally, I think BPD affects those who are stomping around the full-fledged diagnosis of *some* level of Bipolar Disorder but didn't quite make it into a classic category.

 

I think that explains why some BPD'ers seem to fit into their own individual category in regards to the severity of symptoms (histrionic, narcissistic, just go down the list...etc.) and the length of the noted crisis periods they frequently have (like the cycles in Bipolar Illness).

 

I also agree that -when BPDers are most "out of control", it's when they are challenged or feel threatened in some way (certainly emotionally) and learn that they have weakened, inadequate, ineffective -or no- methods of coping with the confrontation of challenge from those emotions/situations.

 

In those who have first begun to wake up to the need to deal with their illness, they'd rather run than deal with the confrontation -because (they know through previous experiences) they have not been blessed with those "normal" coping methods and are more likely to spiral off with very bad behavior.

 

The "bad" behavior is automatic: it's a case of you are aware of your actions -yet you aren't in control of them; like looking at a scene from a distance.

 

A confrontation of emotions can spur the beginning "cycle" of a crisis.

 

In the eye of the storm of a crisis, the drama can be quite intense and the BPDer can be so caught up in a runaway spiral of behavior and emotions that -even though they may still be tightly gripping the bias edge of what they recognize as "appropriate" or "normal" behavior, they will concede to their runaway emotions and behavior even at the cost of their general happiness, safety or overall well-being.

 

With BPD, having an emphasized trait of narcissism with the disorder makes it worse, but I believe that with most BDers, the trait of narcissism is *always* v-e-r-y present (example: you'll see them give up everyone they love to be "right" about something).

 

These are just a few things I've noticed in regards to BPD. I'm certainly no authority on the subject but my thoughts might be worth something to someone.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[luvtoto]

A confrontation of emotions can spur the beginning "cycle" of a crisis.

The mere fact that I KNOW I have this illness, helps me from spiraling into my cycles. I am aware now.

 

Before, when I didn't know why I was reacted to things so badly, why I was so different, and why I had such a hard time coping with the small stuff...that would even set me off.

 

It was an endless cycle of confusion.

[blind_otter]

Blind Otter: This is part of me...I gave him the analogy of this "What id I said stop being an optimistic person or we're over" and I told him he would not know how to even go about changing that....it's the way he is.

Granted, I don't particularily LIKE being self-centered and I want to change, I feel this is so HUGE to ask the person you are dating (but seriously dating) to change. DO you? (I guess I need some validation..hehe)

 

With BPD, you have to be in a constant process of self examination, growth,and change. The problem is that for those with borderline the change is very gradual and it takes a lot of blood sweat and tears to make minimal progress.

 

I don't think it's a big deal to ask someone to be "growth motivated" but I do believe it's controlling to ask someone to change in a specific way. It's also unrealistic to expect immediate change. The most anyone can expect is that you start taking the steps to deal with BPD -- that means therapy, sometimes medication, and it means a LOT of hard work on your part. There is backsliding and sometimes I sit down and cry and say "I CAN'T do it anymore. I CAN'T. I'm TIRED. I don't want to have to re-learn every single coping skill or analyze every component of my behavior."

 

It is exhausting. It is terrifying. It is constant anxiety and a feeling of being unbalanced. It is not being able to trust yourself. It is being afraid of your own mind.

 

That is borderline personality disorder, to me.

 

I resist going inpatient. I really don't want to lift all the stresses up off my shoulders. I need to learn how to function in the real world. But I wonder if I'm too hard on myself. I demand so much of me.

 

I've gotten to the point where I can turn the aggression inward instead of funneling it outward. But that really doesn't help me, it just helps those around me.

[luvtoto]

But I wonder if I'm too hard on myself. I demand so much of me.

 

I've gotten to the point where I can turn the aggression inward instead of funneling it outward. But that really doesn't help me, it just helps those around me.

Yes, I am way, way hard on myself, too. When I start to drag myself down (which I will never be cured of..no matter how much therapy)...I realize that it is the disease talking to me. Then, I am more able to think clearer and give myself some freakin' slack.

 

It's like I catch my cycles before they happen. The older I get, the easier it is to control them. But, then again, I have literally shut out most people from my life that might cause me stress, have caused me stress, or potentially could cause me stress. Except for my children. They have been my teacher through all of my struggles. They are basically the only people in my life that I have an unbreakable bond with.

[riobikini]

luvtoto: " The mere fact that I KNOW I have this illness, helps me from spiraling into my cycles. I am aware now. "

 

Precisely why therapy works for lotsa folks having BPD (or any similar disorder): an unbiased explanation of why you do (fundamentally speaking) what you do can make *all* the difference you need to to begin developing better coping skills.

 

I agree, acknowledging the disorder -becoming educated about BPD and being *aware*of how it presents in *you* is a first step- and is essential in beginning to seriously deal with it on a very personal level.

 

 

 

re:

 

B_O: " With BPD, you have to be in a constant process of self examination, growth,and change. The problem is that for those with borderline the change is very gradual and it takes a lot of blood sweat and tears to make minimal progress.

 

I don't think it's a big deal to ask someone to be "growth motivated" but I do believe it's controlling to ask someone to change in a specific way. It's also unrealistic to expect immediate change. The most anyone can expect is that you start taking the steps to deal with BPD -- that means therapy, sometimes medication, and it means a LOT of hard work on your part. There is backsliding and sometimes I sit down and cry and say "I CAN'T do it anymore. I CAN'T. I'm TIRED. I don't want to have to re-learn every single coping skill or analyze every component of my behavior."

 

It is exhausting. It is terrifying. It is constant anxiety and a feeling of being unbalanced. It is not being able to trust yourself. It is being afraid of your own mind.

 

That is borderline personality disorder, to me.

 

I resist going inpatient. I really don't want to lift all the stresses up off my shoulders. I need to learn how to function in the real world. "

 

 

Excellent -excellent post!

 

-Rio

[ICS]

The saddest part is, like with my BPD-ex-girlfriend, therapy doesn't always work. In fact, from what I understand, therapy only works for BPD victims who are very determined to lead a new life. From experience, I can tell you that she walked out on one of her psychiatrists and ignored another. The symptoms were very extreme, as every part-time job she had ended because she had some innate problems dealing with other people at work. In her most recent job as a cashier, she decided she would just walk out of the store and never come back again. I wish it was in my power to help her, but the negative influence of her disorder was so great that my life was starting to crumble down.. and I was almost too late to save it.

 

I applaud those of you who are strong and determined enough to heal from BPD.

[HeadlessZebra]

The saddest part is, like with my BPD-ex-girlfriend, therapy doesn't always work. In fact, from what I understand, therapy only works for BPD victims who are very determined to lead a new life.

 

Yes indeed, borderline is known to have a really poor prognosis. Although the same can be said for all personality disorders. It's hard because this is your personality as it is ingrained into you, it's your very neural makeup, it's who you are on the deepest level. It's not just some mood disorder or a single perception problem or trauma that you can treat away with medication/therapy. Treating a personality disorder involves changing the very essence of your being... impossible for most people, and even for the luckiest few it'll take them years and years, decades, who knows? Lots of hard work, and I, too, applaud anyone with that kind of determination.

[blind_otter]

Determination is the only thing I have left. I have nothing else left in my life. I don't really truly trust any one. Not even my therapist. The one person I did trust died in October.

 

If I lose my determination, I will die.

 

Borderline's have the highest suicide rate of almost any other mental illness. Because it does take years, decades, and constant battling of yourself. I get so tired that I don't want to go on. I don't want to die -- but I just don't want to have to try so hard.

 

But when you have nothing left but your own determination to live, and to stop hurting others, there is no other alternative but to heal.

 

My therapist likened it to having to re-break and re-set a bone that healed improperly. Ouch.