Your dreams vs. your SO's

[Selfish behavior]

Who is right and how would you work out this situation? My SO is a Doctor. He volunteers for Doctor's without Borders and they want him to go overseas. We are about to get married. I have known this was part of his life. However he slanted the details of it with me. He told me the assignments were 2 months - 5 months. They are really 6 months to a year. They are in war torn areas that have many health hazards. I want a normal life as does he. We are both in our late 30's. We have advanced degrees, great job, great life etc. He wants to quit his job, leave me for a year, etc. I agree that it is wonderful to do a humanitarian effort but!! How am I supposed to pay our morgage? pay our student loans, our bills etc? I feel like he should have been more honest about this. I told him I will have to sell his car because I cannot afford his loan. He does not want to hurt me. If he were not with me he told me he would have left much earlier. We had wanted children etc. The only reason he stays is because of me. What do I do and how can you adjust to this in your relationship? How do people do it? We both are being selfish, but both points of view are right. Thank you so much.

[Rachel]

I think he IS being selfish and he should reconsider. Many times, life is about sacrifices.

[Angel]

A man that leaves for 6 months to a year without his wife is not commited to the marriage. I wouldn't put up with it. Good luck!

[Tony T]

I don't think you are being selfish at all.

 

Many doctors are pretty flakey when it comes to anything not related to the practice of medicine. Most know very little about the conduct of personal relationships. You've got to start at square one.

 

When a person spends ten years of his life studying medicine, that's pretty much his focus. It may take some real cold water poured over his head to get him to realize there is more to life than the sick and injured.

 

Unless you are able to execute a change in heart in him, I don't think you're going to change him.

 

The best thing you can do now is have a real heart to heart talk with him and let him know just what you...and most other women...look for in a relationship and in a marriage.

 

Ask him questions. Ask him how he expects to live the rest of his life. If he tells you he intends to fly all over the world in search of sick people, I think you'll be better off dumping him.

[BeReal]

I wouldn't want to be married to someone who left me for long periods of time, especially in war torn areas. Any kind of relationship would not be satisfying under those circumstances.

 

I think if your SO wants to settle down then he needs to give up this particular humanitarian cause. I'm sure he could find plenty of opportunities to volunteer within the country or for shorter terms.

 

I don't think there are many people out there that would be happy with an arrangement like he wants. I don't think 2-5 months sounds much better. Is this going to be a regular part of his life?

[quankanne]

tony's got a good point about sitting down and talking it over with your guy, and getting out into the open how he hopes to reconcile his need to travel (for whatever reasons) while being in a committed relationship with someone who doesn't have that same wanderlust.

 

one possible compromise (if your both feel strongly about your positions) is to call a halt to your relationship and just let him do his work in other countries for a limited amount of time (a year or two), then start building a relationship (i.e. marriage) together. The only thing is, you might not survive that kind of separation, but it would less painful than knowing that he's (or you are) unhappy because he had to give up an opportunity just to keep the peace. Because those feelings can be the kiss of death to a relationship.

[Selfish]

Well we had the discussion and I broke up w/ him. I told him that it was not the kind of life I envisioned for myself. I wanted a home, a husband and a child. I did not want to wonder everyday if he was alive, when we would ever talk, when he was coming home, if he would find a job when he came home, how I would pay the bills etc. I explained it to him unemotionally because I dont think tears are the way to go. I dont want him to feel guilty and stay. He told me I was the most important thing in his life. If I could not live w/ it then he would stay. I told him to take time like several weeks to think about it and make sure. I am hurt but I feel I had no other choice. Did I do the right thing? He told me he thinks I am very cold and matter of factly handling the problem. I told him w/ out crying and in a nice tone of voice. I told him the common good was more important than the good of one person. Since he had those skills he should use them. I don't know how they get rational people to join this program. All volunteer work for 6mth to 1 year, no salary, a crappy place to live. What is the draw?

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "I don't know how they get rational people to join this program."

 

If he opts to go for a program like this rather than remain home and be with the one he loves, I would say he is NOT rational.

 

First you said you broke up...then you said you've given him several weeks to think about this. How do you feel about a man who has to take that kind of time to decide just how important you are to him?

 

I think you were very wise to do things as you did. Injecting guilt in this would not have been the right thing to do.

 

Doctors are trained to be rather emotionally distant and dispassionate for the sake of their work. They need that sort of disposition to deal with people in pain, people who are dying, children who are suffering, etc., in order to make sound medical decisions. If they aren't that way when they start medical school, they get that way later on...and that's a good thing. I would hate to have a doctor who would withhold a much needed injection from me because I hate the pain of shots and he hated to watch suffering.

 

However, it may be difficult for him to switch back and forth from a dispassionate doctor who must deal with pain, suffering and death and make proper decisions concerning same on a constant basis and then come home to you and be super lovey, dovey.

 

If he wants to have a decent life, he'll have to learn. I'm very certain that he loves you...but, again, you must understand clearly that a doctor by nature must often check his emotions in a professional setting and he's new at this and probably hasn't learned the art of letting go emotionally away from his work.

 

I have a lot of friends who are doctors. The ones who have learned to do this have decent marriages, the others are in various stages of divorce.

 

Now that you know the program, you may be able to make more rational sense of all this yourself.

[Angel]

I think you handled it perfectly. I can't believe he felt that you were cold---when he is the one who matter-a-factly wants to leave you. Unbelievable. Good luck. I hope he reconsiders.

[Ed]

It takes a unique individual to do this kind of volunteer work. For that person, it fills some need or satisfies some desire within them. People (including me and I guess you too) who don't have this kind of need or desire (or at least don't try to satisfy it in this way) probably never will understand what drives others towards this kind of volunteer work. It could be anything from pure, unadulterated selflessness and caring for those less fortunate to an over-inflated ego or god-like martyrdom complex.

 

This is something that is really not up to you to figure out. Understanding his motives or what drives his personality will not satisfy your present needs and desires. Telling him where you stand and what your feelings are NOW is better than writing him a "Dear John" letter six months after he leaves, telling him it's over or that you have met someone else.

 

There is someone for everyone. In fact, there are multiple people you and he are potentially compatible with. Right now your needs and desires don't match up very well with his. All this could change within a year or two or it could remain this way for a long time if not forever. Nobody knows for sure.

 

There are no guarantees in relationships, but timing is everything. Timing is the main reason things happen the way they do. Without the correct (or bad) timing, couples would not date, get married, have kids or breakup. That's just the way it is.

 

I think you did the right thing by having a calm, rational discussion about this with him. There is nothing cold about knowing who your are and what you want out of life. Maybe one day he will understand that this is a good way for mature adults to reveal and resolve their differences.

 

Apparently, he has basically already told you that he will not join the volunteer group if you intend to breakup with him over it. I'm not real sure what that leaves you with, today or several weeks from now. You can look at it in one of two ways - 1) he really does care for you and wants to remain a couple and live in the same country above anything else, or 2) you have successfully manipulated him into doing what you want him to do with your threat of a breakup. I don't think it is possible to tell (right now) which is true or if it is some of both.

 

Oh well! Good luck to you.

[quankanne]

you say, "All volunteer work for 6mth to 1 year, no salary, a crappy place to live. What is the draw?"

 

For someone with a case of wanderlust, the draw is being able to go someplace for a certain amount of time, then go someplace else, and so on. These folks can't stay in one place. It's not necessarily a bad thing, just hard to work around, because you're the one who seems to be making all the sacrifices while they pursue their dream of going here there and everywhere for the money, for the excitement or for whatever reason they give.

 

You deserve a pat on the back for trying to not make it into an emotional issue. If he's complaining about you being cold, well, that's his problem. What does he want from you? An emotional showdown, a forcing of guilty feelings so that he can "sacrifice" for you, then later resent you for "making" him stay? Chances are, he's torn about having to even make this kind of decision, but if he's honest about it and if he really cares for you, he's not going to ask you to do something that'll tear you into two. Just as he's got the right to pursue his work with this organization, you've got the right to a solid relationship with a husband who'll be there for his wife and kids.

[midori]

I don't blame you one bit for being realistic about what you want and how well his plans could fit into that. I do think that it's a bit weird that he didn't mention these plans until well into a relationship with you -- it's a relevant bit of info, wouldn't you say? But I don't think it's necessarily irrational to want to volunteer for something like Doctors w/o Borders. I'd say it's admirable in fact. But it's a choice that an individual needs to make in concert with those s/he is sharing life with -- cause he's not the only one who would be making a sacrifice, is he? As you've already figured out.

 

I think you were right to put things on hold until he's thought this through. He needs to figure out why he's trying to do this: is it something he really has wanted to do for a long time and feels that it's now or never? Or is this a subconscious ploy to avoid the looming commitment to you? I think it's a good sign that when forced to choose between you and DWB, he chose you. I also thought it was good for you to ask him to think this through. It sounds like you're both approaching this with good intentions. From what you've said it does sound like he hasn't really figured out what he's really about here. I can see why you'd feel very hurt & slighted by this wish of his to head off to parts unknown, but if he's not being callous or pigheaded (and it doesn't sound like he is) perhaps you can afford to be a bit understanding and patient while he gets his priorities straightened out. It's good to be straightforward, but if your reaction to his plans has caught him off-guard, he'll probably be better able to think things through sensibly (based on where his real priorities lie) if he doesn't feel like you're brow-beating him about this.

 

Yep, he failed to take you and your relationship into account when he was making his plans. He needed a reality check: you handed him one. He'll have to make his decision according to what he decides is most important. In no way do I think you should back down from your stance about the unacceptability of his plans, but it would probably be helpful for you to not take his oversight so personally and be enormously hurt at this moment. See what he decides: if he decides to forego DWB because he really does value you over that experience, great. You can use that as a starting point for making joint decisions and operating as a committed couple who consider each others' needs and what's good for the relationship, before making big choices. If he chooses DWB over you, well, nothing further need be said.

 

Good luck.

[Selfish]

I wanted to thank everyone here for helping me on this one. I really appreciate it. It will be a difficult battle to make this work. Someone who has the needs to selflessly help others will not give up on the idea. Weither it is now or 5 years from now it is something I will have to deal with. We will take time to think about things and see what we come up with. It is to bad that my biological clock is getting in the way. We are 36 and it is time to grow up for both of us. He has managed to forgoe this activity long enough.