Mrs. Emo Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 Once again, my husband has made me question whether or not he actually has a brain in his head. The other night he was teasing me and I asked why he couldn't be as nice to me as he is to his female admirers at work...and at this point I was just teasing as well. I asked him if he ever complimented "K" (who has been the subject in my other posts) and he said "no". I laughed because I know him and I knew that was B.S. I said, "You've never complimented her on her eyes? You told me she had beautiful eyes". I was expecting him to tell me an innocent compliment like that...instead, I got this...."I did tell her she had a really nice ass, once". Needless to say, I was NOT happy and very hurt. I asked him how he could say something like that to her and how that would even come up in conversation. He told me she walked by his aisle one day and he nearly fell off his pallet straining his neck to check out her ass as she passed by. He said she was wearing spandex pants. He called her over and and told her how good her ass looked in those pants and she was not allowed to wear them anymore because they were too distracting and he wouldn't be able to get any work done. I told him it was one thing to think it, which is natural, but to come out and say it? He's a married man and he is saying that to his single co-worker? And, they must be pretty comfortable with each other that he feels he can get away w/saying something like that at work to someone. So, my question to the married men out there....would you say something like that to a female co-worker you were friendly with? If you would, is that something you think would hurt your wife's feelings, or seem disrespectful to your wife if she knew? Would you consider this to be harmless flirting or would you have to have a "thing" for this woman to say something as bold as that? Ladies, if a married man made a comment like that to you and in this situation you do not view it as harrassment or disrespect, would you make any assumptions about his married life? Would you just take it as a flirtatious compliment and think nothing of it? Would you even consider it as flirting? Would you think he was interested in you? I would really love some honest feedback on this. He did apologize and said it was an insensitive thing to do, but I can't understand why it happened to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
Pink_Tulip Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 Wow. I mean, wow. If my H did that, I can tell you it would fly at my house big time. Totally inappropriate and disrespectful. Maybe you should tell him about the time you told a male coworker he wasn't allowed to wear jeans anymore b/c they made his package look so appealing, it distracted you, and see how well he takes it. If a married man said something like that to me, I'd find it very offensive and disrespectful to his wife. I would wonder what kind of a man he is to treat his wife like that behind her back. Unless, of course, I had a thing for the married man, then I supposed I'd enjoy the flirting. I'd be watching this one if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 I would really love some honest feedback on this. He did apologize and said it was an insensitive thing to do, but I can't understand why it happened to begin with. Well, in today's environment, that's beyond insensitive and falls directly into the category of Sexual Harrasment. Through his comments, your husband could easily be judged to be creating a hostile work environment with huge implications and liability for him and the company he works for. Should the co-worker complain (and not just now but sometime in the future), his employers would have no choice but to discipline, suspend or fire him. So since your H is not motivated by respect for you, he may be concerned over losing his job. Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
OceanBlue Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 Ok - probably not the response you want to hear but... Is it appropriate to say? No, but is it harmful to your relationship? I wouldn't think so. I work with mostly men and on days where I have taken extra time with my appearance I receive comments and compliments. They come from both the married and the single and some could most definitely be construed as harassment. Do I assume these guys "want" me? No, they are just saying that they noticed I put a little extra effort into my appearance that day. (and we're not talking exposed cleavage and skirts you shouldn't bend over in, with me it could be something as small as wearing a knee length skirt) It is a bit of a boost for my self esteem and it in no way affects how I feel about them or the state of their marriages. I do work in an environment with less than 50 people in the office so we are all fairly close. I do think it was stupid and insensitive of your H to tell you he said that. And though you don't mention if there is an age difference here that might be part of your concern, I get the comments from the ones who are 10 years younger than me as well as the ones 20 years older. Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 spandex pants? She's probably the type of woman who loves disrespectful comments like this. spandex pants. :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 Like another poster stated when she takes time to pamper herself, men notice this both married and single... some can bite thier tounge and some have to just blurt out what they are thinking... I am sure that this bothered you that he said this... a womans body is beautiful regardless if she is wearing tight jeans, spandex pants or a mini skirt, or nothing at all. Some men get distracted by a slight breeze.... I am sure that this woman tight pants and all is a respectable woman... Link to post Share on other sites
nancyleeh Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 I would not like my husband to make a comment to a co-worker like that. If he told a woman she looked nice that day or that her hair style was cute, that's different than mentioning certain parts of the anatomy that are usually associated with sexual areas of the body. And I agree that saying comments like he made can get him in deep trouble. Maybe he was lucky this time but next time, who knows. I'd talk to him about it. nancyleeh Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 When I was married, I would not have made that comment to any female (other than my wife.) Similar to what nancyleeh said, I had no problem commenting a general "looking nice today" or noticing a new haircut, glasses, etc. but let's face it, that comment communicates "you are sexually arousing me," and that's something that, in my relationship, I would have considered crossing the line, and something I would expect my wife would have been hurt by, if she had heard it. But even if there weren't a chance of her hearing it, I still wouldn't have said it because it's beyond my standard of acceptable behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 I think it basically all boils down to, how much you are willing to put up with. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 When I was married, I would not have made that comment to any female (other than my wife.) Similar to what nancyleeh said, I had no problem commenting a general "looking nice today" or noticing a new haircut, glasses, etc. but let's face it, that comment communicates "you are sexually arousing me," and that's something that, in my relationship, I would have considered crossing the line, and something I would expect my wife would have been hurt by, if she had heard it. But even if there weren't a chance of her hearing it, I still wouldn't have said it because it's beyond my standard of acceptable behavior. Good point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs. Emo Posted November 27, 2006 Author Share Posted November 27, 2006 Thanks everyone for the feedback. So since your H is not motivated by respect for you, he may be concerned over losing his job. Actually, this was one of my points...obviously, he did feel comfortable enough to say that w/out there being repercussions, hence my concern about what their friendship is like. And, supposedly, he said this almost a year ago. Ok - probably not the response you want to hear but... No, not at all...I wanted a female's opinion, but correct me if I am wrong, it's sounds like the compliments you receive are fairly innocent regarding your overall appearance. Have any of the men commented on how good your ass looks? If my H's compliment to her had been that her hair looked particularly nice that day or she looks pretty when she wears make-up, that wouldn't have upset me or caused me any worry. But, commenting on her ass....? I enjoyed your perspective because it made me feel less suspicious of "K", but I would really like to know if you would feel the same way if one of the MM made an explicit comment about your ass like my H did. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 I think you had every right to take him to task for that remark. Having said that, a woman who wears spandex isn't looking for a "great perfume" compliment. A man that's lightly flirtatious is one thing but your man has crossed the line. Lightly flirting is saying "nice outfit" not "nice ass". Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted November 28, 2006 Share Posted November 28, 2006 In this married man's opinion, what he said was totally inappropriate, especially in the workplace. As a manager I'd severely discipline any employee, male or female, who made a comment like that. The next time I'd dismiss them. As a husband I find his remark completely disrespectful to both you and your marriage. Even if I thought it about another woman, at work or otherwise, it's not something I'd say to her. Link to post Share on other sites
OceanBlue Posted November 28, 2006 Share Posted November 28, 2006 No, not at all...I wanted a female's opinion, but correct me if I am wrong, it's sounds like the compliments you receive are fairly innocent regarding your overall appearance. Have any of the men commented on how good your ass looks? If my H's compliment to her had been that her hair looked particularly nice that day or she looks pretty when she wears make-up, that wouldn't have upset me or caused me any worry. But, commenting on her ass....? I enjoyed your perspective because it made me feel less suspicious of "K", but I would really like to know if you would feel the same way if one of the MM made an explicit comment about your ass like my H did. Oh, there have certainly been some raunchy comments in there with the general ones. You did make a good point about the comfort level between them because there are only a few that could make a comment about my ass and live another day. And I can't recall an incident where someone overstepped the boundaries of what was acceptable within 'our' relationship. So if a comment was made about my ass, it was made by someone with whom I was comfortable enough that it wasn't misinterpreted. Link to post Share on other sites
loggrad98 Posted November 28, 2006 Share Posted November 28, 2006 First, as a married man, I would NEVER make a comment like that to another woman. Also as a married man, my wife and I love to sit in the mall and make little comments to each other..."Hey, she has a cute butt....did you see the muscles on that guy" and we can get a good giggle out of it, but that is between us, not between each of us and another person. That definitely crossed the line. As a manager, if the woman brought it to my attention (most often, sexual harrassment does not come to light until there has been irreparable harm done) I would, with HR, conduct an investigation, and, if the investigation warranted it, I would fire the man. One offense is more than enough to warrant termination. This is like mixing gasoline and a kid with a book of matches. Any little thing can set it off and it does not take repeat offenses. He needs to watch it, or he will do that with someone he still may think he is comfortable with and end up getting fired over it. In my career I have participated and/or lead about 8 S.H. cases and ALL EIGHT have ended up in a termination (3 of them, if I remember right, needed a second offense...5 of them warranted termination right then and there), and...believe it or not....one of them had to do with a man who was saying things like "Your ass looks pretty good in those biker shorts" to multiple women. He was saying other things as well, and was somewhat intimidating to the women involved (even though his wife, who also worked there, thought of him as a big teddy bear....and we all liked him pretty good too). One of them finally stepped forward and in the investigation we found 7 others who had been similarly harrassed...some only the subject of one comment, others of many. Comfort level is one thing, but in today's atmosphere, it could be ANOTHER CO-WORKER who is made to feel uncomfortable while he and his "comfortable" acquaintance make comments about each other's backsides and the result can be the same. Bottom line, those kinds of comments have NO PLACE at work....and you are fully justified in calling him on the carpet for making the comments to begin with. There is really in the end no such thing as "harmless flirting" when you are in a committed relationship. My 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs. Emo Posted November 29, 2006 Author Share Posted November 29, 2006 I wanted to thank everyone for their input on this one. It meant a lot to me. Especially the comments from you married men. I really expected you to come back with opinions like, "all men are like that", "that's the way guys are, we don't mean anything by it", "don't worry, you're just overreacting". It makes me feel good to know (and to be quite honest, very sad and disappointed) that he can not just dismiss my feelings on this one and blame it on me being jealous and insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 Two observations.... One, I agree that these are inappropriate comments on his part. Would I say them? No. On the other hand, I had a cubicle mate that yes, I would feel comfortable saying something similar to her, but she knew my wife, my wife trusted her, and our friendship was that. No, we didn't flirt and make comments sexual to each other, but we did make compliments to each other that were just that...unless you wanted to interpret them different. Have I told her she looked pretty good and sexy..yes. Did that mean I wanted her? No. Emphatically no. And yes, I told my wife of our conversations. If he had the kind of relationship that was open like this, she may have felt that since he was married, he would not mean anything but a joke. However, such comments are usually way out of line. His comments probably went farther than just a joke...IMHO. There was no other female worker I would have said that to...and certainly not a single one who may take me seriously. Two, my first question was...you kept pushing him for a response and then were hurt when he was honest? I say this kindly but you reinforced two things. One, your husband will find it hard to be honest with you again. He may have told you because he didn't mean it as an affront to you. I am not saying he is right in that opinion, but he may have thought you would have laughed. A man doesn't always know what his wife thinks is okay to compliment. My wife loves to tell me to look at some woman's boobs or ass...and give my opinion. And no, she isn't insecure...she wants a man's opinion. Two, husbands, when your wife tells you she wants your honest opinion, be very, very certain she means it. Remember, read my signature...these are my opinions and perhaps a different viewpoint. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 I don't think the problem is why he did that and how the woman felt about his "compliment." It's that he told you about it! I think I could live... argue a lot, but live with a man who flirts with other women, as long as I am sure in his love. But I couldn't possibly live with a complete idiot! Joke on aside, even the wisest people are being stupid sometimes, if he wanted an affair with her, he would tell her that she has beautiful eyes, not a hot ass. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 As a husband I find his remark completely disrespectful to both you and your marriage. Even if I thought it about another woman, at work or otherwise, it's not something I'd say to her. Why is it only disrespectful if he says it? Why isn't it disrespectful if he is thinking it? The outcome is the same, the only difference is one is being said verbally out-loud. I don't see how one is disrespectful but the other isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 This ones Easy : He is a total Jerk and an ****** and thats all I have to say .... Link to post Share on other sites
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