Not sure of marrige is worth working on....

[Guest]

I am not sure where to begin. I have a lot to say and ask so this may take a long time, I apologize.

 

I am 24 and have been married for six years, my husband just turned 30. I know your first though it that I was young and yes I was. I can tell a difference in the person I am today compared to when I was 18. My marriage is over all good, for that fact that neither of us have cheated, never been separated and generally respect each other (at least I think so, most of the time). My husband is a nice guy and I could do worse, he never hit me, nor do I fear that he would, he has never called me a bad name, and he does not drink. However, I am not sure if we will last. We fight about once a month and I am so tired of fighting and it has damaged our relationship so much that I am not sure if we can go back. I know my husband loves me but I think he may feel the same way I do. That, what is the point?

 

We had our last big fight last month. We were having some sex issues and I cross the line and embarrassed him, he said he did not think he could ever have sex with me again and that our relationship was ruined. We had a good talk for about two hours where he said he felt that it was over (which turned out to be a bluff) I said I agreed, that I am tired of having the same arguments over and over again. We have reached a point where you can’t go back, not in a drastic way; just that too much ha happened too much that we can’t put it behind us. When I told him I was okay with the relationship ending, but of course that I still loved him, he argued to stay together and the truth was that I was and am willing to do which ever. I will stay with him because I love him, but I am also ready to leave because I love him and myself.

 

Just a few points:

• I have an issue with my husband and his porn addiction (yes I am a little insecure). He not only has a porn addiction but I found a pocket pussy which I told him I was okay with his having as everyone needs there personal time, which I agree with. So yes, he can look at porn, just not in excess. Which is what I thought was going on because we were not making love as much. He said he was stressed so he was not able to get an erection and I took it personal. We have had this argument since we have been married, he did tell me that he would never stop that this is something he has been doing since before he met me. So this is his and my fault.

 

• He is not very supportive. I have lots of hobbies, I figure skate and draw/paint, and I cook and take care of him. But he always has something negative to say about my hobbies, my jump or spin was not very good or my picture is not smooth he does not like my color choices. He is honest, I know this and he loves that about his self. I wish he would lie to me sometimes. But I also think he is negative about these things cause he is not very good and them. So he put me down to make him self feel better. I cooked an amazing dinner last night but he never compliments me, his brother does, which is nice. I cook and clean and do laundry and do the grocery shopping.

 

• He treats his family better then mine, better then I am allowed to treat mine. He even said he will love his brothers more then me and often takes there sides in arguments. Which is a problem since his brother has lived with us since he was in high school, so 5 and a half years.

 

• Things have gotten comfortable; he is often on the internet, most of his free time, which means I do not get very much quality time with him. The other night we were watching TV together and I almost forgot he was sitting there with me, because we do not talk.

 

• Today we fought because I got my niece a few extra x-mas gifts. I spent $45 dollars on her and only $30 on the other four I have. He spends way more money on his brothers for x-mas and birthdays. Between $100 and $200. He spends more on them then on me. I told him this tonight and he got mad cause he thinks I do not like the gifts, which is not true. I love what he gets me (when he gets me something, anniversaries and valentines day are out of the question for him, even my birthday one year).

 

I told him I like to give people present and I did not see what was wrong about that. He said I have to have a budget for the kids and he can spend more on his brothers because, “they reciprocate the gifts”. Well, how is a five year old going to do that. Plus it should be about the kids. I have a job; I make my own good money. He said it was the fact that I did not stick to the $30 budget per kid, my sister is poor (she has $200 to spend between all four kids) so I spoil the kids on x-mas and birthdays.

 

So I am lost, I am numb. I do not to fight and I know the comment about his spending more on his brothers then me is always going to be an issue, he is always going to remember that and I think I do not like his gifts.

 

Sometimes, I just want to start over a new life. I think I am too young for this; I do not want to waste our lives in a marriage that is not going to work. I also do not want to be a failure. I want him to be happy but I also have to put my self first and I am not happy. I spend so much time trying to love him trying to keep our relationship going. I have to try to spend time with him and I do not understand that. Why is it to much to ask that he spends time with me and not on the PC, is it because he does not care. If so, then I am doing both of us a favor but just calling it quits. I can’t keep doing this. And I know this happens in relationships. Trust me there would have to me more then just that for me to call it quits so there is. There is just too much baggage for us to get close any more, too much baggage to carry that it is slowly suffocating our love for each other and who we really are. Our marriage has stop blossoming and I can’t decide if I should commit more time and effort, if I should keep watering our marriage if we can’t get any sunlight because all this baggage is built so high it won’t let the sunlight in.

 

 

I could use some advice. Thanks for reading.

 

P.S. If you are going to suggest marriage counseling, I have asked and he won’t go.

[whichwayisup]

If he isn't willing to try and save the marriage, or go to marriage counselling you might as well end it.

 

But, with that being said, I think he's more scared of change, making a big effort. Some men tend to fall into a pattern, get used to life as it is. They don't look for problems, or talk so in their mind all is OK!

 

You need to open up and talk to him, tell him how you're feeling. Tell him your fears, how you aren't sure if the marriage is going to last. AND he needs to stop using porn so much because it IS interferring your sex life! HE may not see it that way, but it is.

 

Anyway, you two owe it to eachother to give it a good go, with the help of marriage counselling. If it doesn't work after that, or if he refuses to go at all, then consider ending it. Something tells me he needs a 2x4 across the head to see what he's about to lose. A big wake up call!!

 

Is there someone you can talk to, who can talk to him? Mutual friend or someone in his family? Just to get him to open up abit, so he can see wtf is going on around him.

[Guest]

If he isn't willing to try and save the marriage, or go to marriage counselling you might as well end it.

 

But, with that being said, I think he's more scared of change, making a big effort. Some men tend to fall into a pattern, get used to life as it is. They don't look for problems, or talk so in their mind all is OK!

 

You need to open up and talk to him, tell him how you're feeling. Tell him your fears, how you aren't sure if the marriage is going to last. AND he needs to stop using porn so much because it IS interfering your sex life! HE may not see it that way, but it is.

 

Anyway, you two owe it to each other to give it a good go, with the help of marriage counseling. If it doesn't work after that, or if he refuses to go at all, then consider ending it. Something tells me he needs a 2x4 across the head to see what he's about to lose. A big wake up call!!

 

Is there someone you can talk to, who can talk to him? Mutual friend or someone in his family? Just to get him to open up abit, so he can see wtf is going on around him.

 

Whichwayisup,

 

Thanks for thr reply. I have talked to him about my fears, my thought, my insecurities, everything. I am very open with my feelings. That is the baggage i refer to. I feel like we have talked about it so much that both of us are tired of having the same conversation and things change for about a week or so then they return to the norm. I told him I was okay with ending the relationship because i felt that in 6mo, 1 yr we would be back to where we were, discussing the same issues and that i did not want that. I am tired of having the same fights. When he was leaving for work tonight, he saw that i was crying and he thought i was being silly. i told him that I was upset about all of our baggage. I hate even brining anything up anymore because for 1. it does no good 2. it just adds to the large pile already there, it just keeps building and building.

 

I need to talk to someone on my own and figure things out. The hard part is letting go because I love him and with love comes hope. Hope that things will work them selves out.

 

Thanks again!

[Anka]

This isnt the sort of thing that will work itself out.

 

You are feeling unappreciated and unloved. You need him to be a friend and support you, and he should be doing that.

If he wont any real responsiblity for his end of the marriage, then i agree you may as well end it, as you have been beating a dead horse for some time now.

YOU deserve happiness, and you are not asking him to anything but act like a husband.

Maybe try separating, then ask for counsling. If you acually leave, it might shake some sense into him.

[whichwayisup]

When he was leaving for work tonight, he saw that i was crying and he thought i was being silly.

 

Then he's an idiot and clueless too. If he can't recognize how unhappy you are and makes a joke of you crying (calling it being silly) then definately seek some counselling on your own so you can figure out what you need to do. Marriage is a partnership, and right now you're on your own. He isn't doing ANYTHING to improve things, or make any effort.

 

I agree with anka, shake things up, separate and see how he does on his own. Maybe then he'll be more appreciative of what he has in you and come to his senses.

[Ladyjane14]

I left you a long post on Jersey's thread, Guest.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t103149/11

 

But you might want to give some consideration to your personal boundaries. If you're fighting about money, separating your accounts might be a solution. i.e. If you make your own money and pay your own bills... your husband shouldn't be telling you how to spend it.

 

You can't be "controlled" in a relationship unless you sign-off on it, right? You may be a young woman at 24... but you're still a grown woman, with a right to live her life in the manner she sees fit.

 

I'll reiterate the recommendation on The Five Love Languages. I think it's possible that you're looking for more 'Quality Time' within the relationship. But again, I also think you'd do well to improve upon self-validation. The fact that your husband doesn't compliment you on your spins or color-scheme shouldn't be putting these great big holes in your self-esteem.

[Guest]

I left you a long post on Jersey's thread, Guest.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t103149/11

 

But you might want to give some consideration to your personal boundaries. If you're fighting about money, separating your accounts might be a solution. i.e. If you make your own money and pay your own bills... your husband shouldn't be telling you how to spend it.

 

You can't be "controlled" in a relationship unless you sign-off on it, right? You may be a young woman at 24... but you're still a grown woman, with a right to live her life in the manner she sees fit.

 

I'll reiterate the recommendation on The Five Love Languages. I think it's possible that you're looking for more 'Quality Time' within the relationship. But again, I also think you'd do well to improve upon self-validation. The fact that your husband doesn't compliment you on your spins or color-scheme shouldn't be putting these great big holes in your self-esteem.

 

 

Thanks all for the reply. I know that I am in an unhealthy relationship and I know I need to do something, that is the hard part. My husband thinks I am silyl because he thinks there is nothing wrong with the relationship. That is what he says everytime I bring up something. That is because he gets to have what ever he wants.

 

As for separating, he told me that if i leave he will not follow, i am not sure how true that is, but if that is what I decide to do I have to be prepared for what happens. When he tried to pull the we should get a divorce and I agreed he changed his mind. He told me if i left i would not find someone as good as him and I would look for someone like him so why would I leave him. i told him I disagreed.

 

I am not completely lost in self esteem. I more questions my worth to my husband in our relationship. I validate who I am and my value to my self by doing the things I love to do like take art classes and figure skate.

 

I am thankful we do not have kids and i told him i did not want to have kids until I knew this relationship would last. I know it would last because I would try, but i want to be happy to. My husband is not that bad we just do not have the best relationship. The relationship i would like to have.

 

Thanks for your posts, it great to come on here and vent or clear my head.

 

I know I am smart and pretty and I have things that make me ME. I just want him to know that I am important and worth loving and that our relationship is worth working on.

[hopeto]

I have been married for 18 years 3 dating and 15 married I am 33 and he is 36 and he married before me and divorced . this is my first marriage. do not keep going. I wasted so much time on my marriage and I am in the same boat that you are. my husband is into the porn and that is where he gets his injoyments not with me and I do not think this is ok because I just recently found out he was looking at child porn girls the ages 10 to 15 and through cousling it will get worse.

 

we have not had sex sience jan of this year and I recently found the porn he is looking at about a month ago. what is bad is we have a 5 year old daughter that is the only good that came from this marraige and the complant is that I am fat and I have changed that more than once and did so by harming myself but he just found something else to pick apart. it will not change unless he see that there is a problem and will only get worse. if he will not go to counceling then you go and get you taken care of that is what I am doing and you know what is so tough is that he knew I had been sexualy abused as these young girls he was looking at.

 

I found out that he has been looking at them for the klast five years. and what is even more stupied is that I still love him and my doc says it is my nature to try to fix them when they are broken. fact is you cant fix what is broken if it is not broken to them. porn is a leading cause of marriage break ups and is normal the cause of infedelity. so I can tell you just from my side it is not going to change nor work when there is a third party!!!!!!! your third party is porn!!!!!!!

[quankanne]

sounds like the inevitable seven-year slump: the honeymoon period is over, you've got a good dose of what the relationship is really about and you've found yourself at a crossroads, wondering just what in hell can you do?

 

marriage counselling is your best bet, be it a program like marriage builders or marriage encounter, or working on a regular basis with a counselor. Because what you need is tools to help you communicate more effectively with each other while remembering and respecting just why y'all chose to be together in the first place.

 

DH and I did a marriage encounter retreat, and one of the things the team talked about was "married singles," or people who are married but still pursue the life of a single rather than making decisions as a couple/unit. It's not to say that you're supposed to give up your hobbies or past times that you enjoy, but to be more aware of how easily it can be to wrap yourself up in those things to a point where it hurts your relationship with your spouse because you're not sharing yourself or your time with him/her. From what you've shared, it sounds like your husband wants to retain his status as a married single ("My husband thinks I am silyl because he thinks there is nothing wrong with the relationship. That is what he says everytime I bring up something. That is because he gets to have what ever he wants. … When he tried to pull the we should get a divorce and I agreed he changed his mind").

 

I'll see if I can dig up the book I *borrowed* from my old parish, which does a great job of encapsulating what's taught at ME weekends, it gives good advice on how to communicate more openly with each other. You might be able to find a copy of it where you're at, especially if you get hold of the local Catholic church and see if they've got it in their library.

 

a suggestion: When you start talking about getting counselling or help for your marriage, explain that it's because you are looking to find ways to make your marriage stronger. It's a lot less threatening to someone who chooses to keep their head in the sand or ears covered, because they're not thinking, 'well, my H/W isn't happy and wants to change me."

[Mary3]

Lots of underlying resentment in your post

 

Some of these things can change and many *won't* change.

 

Treating his brother better than you. Making squabbles about who gets more for each gift. and ect.

 

Many parts are segments of your personality and his....your beliefs and values and his....I don't see that all of this huge project of human change is going to make everything better.

 

It looks like alot of work ahead...

[Guest]

I have been there, done that. My husband was addicted to porn. I didn't find out until our second year of marrige. All the signs were there. He was distant, not as sexually active with me, argumentative,and generally an unhappy person. I was not ok with the porn and asked him to stop. It took a few tries and after a lot of prayer and a relationship with Christ he is happier than ever and so am I.

 

Any deep rooted addiction will cause a break in a persons heart. It sounds to me your husband is not happy. He has some unresolved hurt or issue from the past and this is how he has always dealt with it. You need to bring him to a point of crisis and make him choose. You are only enabling him by accepting this addiction. He needs to stop looking a porn all together and he needs counseling for this problem and you need counseling for the hurt it has caused you. I recommend "Every Heart Restored" for you to read. It has helped many women like us who have been hurt by this addiction. I'll be praying for you and your husband.

 

 

 

I am not sure where to begin. I have a lot to say and ask so this may take a long time, I apologize.

 

I am 24 and have been married for six years, my husband just turned 30. I know your first though it that I was young and yes I was. I can tell a difference in the person I am today compared to when I was 18. My marriage is over all good, for that fact that neither of us have cheated, never been separated and generally respect each other (at least I think so, most of the time). My husband is a nice guy and I could do worse, he never hit me, nor do I fear that he would, he has never called me a bad name, and he does not drink. However, I am not sure if we will last. We fight about once a month and I am so tired of fighting and it has damaged our relationship so much that I am not sure if we can go back. I know my husband loves me but I think he may feel the same way I do. That, what is the point?

 

We had our last big fight last month. We were having some sex issues and I cross the line and embarrassed him, he said he did not think he could ever have sex with me again and that our relationship was ruined. We had a good talk for about two hours where he said he felt that it was over (which turned out to be a bluff) I said I agreed, that I am tired of having the same arguments over and over again. We have reached a point where you can’t go back, not in a drastic way; just that too much ha happened too much that we can’t put it behind us. When I told him I was okay with the relationship ending, but of course that I still loved him, he argued to stay together and the truth was that I was and am willing to do which ever. I will stay with him because I love him, but I am also ready to leave because I love him and myself.

 

Just a few points:

• I have an issue with my husband and his porn addiction (yes I am a little insecure). He not only has a porn addiction but I found a pocket pussy which I told him I was okay with his having as everyone needs there personal time, which I agree with. So yes, he can look at porn, just not in excess. Which is what I thought was going on because we were not making love as much. He said he was stressed so he was not able to get an erection and I took it personal. We have had this argument since we have been married, he did tell me that he would never stop that this is something he has been doing since before he met me. So this is his and my fault.

 

• He is not very supportive. I have lots of hobbies, I figure skate and draw/paint, and I cook and take care of him. But he always has something negative to say about my hobbies, my jump or spin was not very good or my picture is not smooth he does not like my color choices. He is honest, I know this and he loves that about his self. I wish he would lie to me sometimes. But I also think he is negative about these things cause he is not very good and them. So he put me down to make him self feel better. I cooked an amazing dinner last night but he never compliments me, his brother does, which is nice. I cook and clean and do laundry and do the grocery shopping.

 

• He treats his family better then mine, better then I am allowed to treat mine. He even said he will love his brothers more then me and often takes there sides in arguments. Which is a problem since his brother has lived with us since he was in high school, so 5 and a half years.

 

• Things have gotten comfortable; he is often on the internet, most of his free time, which means I do not get very much quality time with him. The other night we were watching TV together and I almost forgot he was sitting there with me, because we do not talk.

 

• Today we fought because I got my niece a few extra x-mas gifts. I spent $45 dollars on her and only $30 on the other four I have. He spends way more money on his brothers for x-mas and birthdays. Between $100 and $200. He spends more on them then on me. I told him this tonight and he got mad cause he thinks I do not like the gifts, which is not true. I love what he gets me (when he gets me something, anniversaries and valentines day are out of the question for him, even my birthday one year).

 

I told him I like to give people present and I did not see what was wrong about that. He said I have to have a budget for the kids and he can spend more on his brothers because, “they reciprocate the gifts”. Well, how is a five year old going to do that. Plus it should be about the kids. I have a job; I make my own good money. He said it was the fact that I did not stick to the $30 budget per kid, my sister is poor (she has $200 to spend between all four kids) so I spoil the kids on x-mas and birthdays.

 

So I am lost, I am numb. I do not to fight and I know the comment about his spending more on his brothers then me is always going to be an issue, he is always going to remember that and I think I do not like his gifts.

 

Sometimes, I just want to start over a new life. I think I am too young for this; I do not want to waste our lives in a marriage that is not going to work. I also do not want to be a failure. I want him to be happy but I also have to put my self first and I am not happy. I spend so much time trying to love him trying to keep our relationship going. I have to try to spend time with him and I do not understand that. Why is it to much to ask that he spends time with me and not on the PC, is it because he does not care. If so, then I am doing both of us a favor but just calling it quits. I can’t keep doing this. And I know this happens in relationships. Trust me there would have to me more then just that for me to call it quits so there is. There is just too much baggage for us to get close any more, too much baggage to carry that it is slowly suffocating our love for each other and who we really are. Our marriage has stop blossoming and I can’t decide if I should commit more time and effort, if I should keep watering our marriage if we can’t get any sunlight because all this baggage is built so high it won’t let the sunlight in.

 

 

I could use some advice. Thanks for reading.

 

P.S. If you are going to suggest marriage counseling, I have asked and he won’t go.