How do I tell my husband?

[Annyka]

I have only been married for a reasonably short period (7 1/2 months), although I have been with my husband for almost 10 years.

 

Recently I have met this guy who has really turned me on. I have entered into a pretty full on emotional affair in the matter of a couple of weeks. This then turned to a slightly more physical affair. We have seen each other in real life (since we started text and instant messaging) twice. The first time we just talked, like we were friends - with little/no flirting. The second I kissed him.

 

I have gotten to the point now (it's been 3 weeks since I started the EA) that I realise I don't want to ruin my marriage. But I have got myself in a bit stick in the mud.

 

#1. If my husband were to find out about the EA and the kiss then he'd leave me - cheating is cheating no matter how minor.

#2. The guy is still being persistent (I told him that my hubby found out and we had to end it - but I think he knows I am lying and that I still would like to be with him).

#3. I want to sleep with the guy, he turns me on and no matter how hard I try, I still text him (which is probably why he's still being persistent because I am responding). I don't want a relationship with him, and if my marriage ended I probably would sleep with the guy once and be over it.

 

so now I don't know what to do. I want to tell my husband but am extreemely scared. I don't want to lose him, or cause him hurt (I wish I thought of this before - but I was so confused at the start and just went with the moment - and now I can't change that).

 

Should I try and get strong and ignore this other guy until he gives up, keep it from my husband and try and move on?

 

Should I tell my husband and expose it, giving me more strength to end it but also risking ending my marriage - and if so HOW?

 

Should I sleep with the guy so that I can get over it and then continue my life - although I seriously think this not really an option - as I can't guarentee my feelings will stop there, and then I am going to dig myself into a deeper hole.

 

PLEASE SOMEBODY help me!!!

[magichands]

I don't want a relationship with him, and if my marriage ended I probably would sleep with the guy once and be over it.

Are you a woman, or a mouse??!!

 

Come on, you can't be this weak at the knees. Cut this dude out of your life. He's just another pink elephant.

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him? You have been married only 7 months and you are doing this? How would you feel if your husband wrote he finds this girl he met really hot and kissed her and wanted to know if he slept with her he would get it out of his system....Oh Please.

 

If you have any respect left for your husband you will tell him that you kissed another guy and feel horrible about it. You will both get into counseling to save this marriage. You need to be totally honest with your husband. In most cases even if the husband says he will leave if there is cheating he does not. It is time for you to grow up. There will always be other people you will fine attractive from time to time. You cannot act on it. If you too immature to be married then divorce your husband and allow him to find someone else who can be honest with him and value the meaning of a committment and marriage. Either you have trust and honesty in your marriage or lies and deceit. The choice is yours.

 

Don't you think your husband from time to time may see another woman and think she is hot and wonder what it would be like for a second. It is natural for most people. The problem for you is that most people who value their spouse and marriage do not act on it and date people behind their spouses back. Again be honest with your husband and let him decide. What I am getting from your post is that you want to keep your loving husband but you want people to say it is all right to go have sex with this other guy to get it out of your system because he is so hot and you want him. Why did you even get married? Please seek counseling? Your husband does not deserve this from you. Be honest with your husband and work as a team to overcome this. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect him to be honest with you?

[someone2]

I will not try to be judging or anything, but could you please explain what horrible thing your husband did to you that made you go down this road?

[Anka]

Yes, tell him about it, and cut off contact with this other guy NOW.

Your hubby is going to be very hurt, but at least you are being honest, and the fact that YOU came clean will help the healing process.

 

And in the future, when someone turns you on and you are worried you cant contain yourself, stay away from that person!!!! Put your energy in your marraige.

[magichands]

Put your energy in your marraige.

Only five posts, but I love you already.

[Anka]

Thanks, wow people are reading me!!!

 

Not meant to T/J,

[Annyka]

My husband did nothing wrong. I am the only one who has done something wrong. (and right now I am hating myself for it).

To be honest though - if the shoe was on the other foot, and he were the one (feeling how I feel now though) it wouldn't bother me. But I know it would devistate him to know. And although I want to sleep with this guy - I never will. I have told him this...

The thing that worries me at the moment, is I DON'T KNOW HOW I feel....

Just now, while in bed with my Hubby, I was thinking that it wouldn't matter to me if our marriage ended, but I know that it would kill him, and I would stay in the relationship because otherwise he'd be lost without me. I really don't know if I am in this marriage because I want to be, or because I don't want to hurt him... I think I love him (Infact I'd go to the point of saying I am sure I love him), but I don't feel as sexually attractive to him as I used to.

The sad thing is that I have felt like this before I got married. I married him, because I love him. I believe our lives together will be good. Yet, deep down I have doubts. I wonder if I have made the right decision. I don't believe in divorce - I believe in marriage for ever (although I am not a religious person). I want to make it work - but is this for the right reasons?

I want to know how I feel, so then I can do what's best for my Husband. He is the one that matters to me the most at the moment. He is the reason I don't want to have an affair (although yes - I know by what I have already done, I've already crossed that line).

How do I tell my husband how I feel? I think if I could tell him that I am not being satisfied in our marriage, that there is something missing, that we could work this out... but I don't know how I can tell him, to reduce the hurt on his part. I don't care how much I get hurt. I deserve to be fed to the lions, it is him I am worried about.

[magichands]

, but I don't feel as sexually attractive to him as I used to.

Attractive to him, or attracted to him?

How do I tell my husband how I feel? I think if I could tell him that I am not being satisfied in our marriage, that there is something missing,

What is the biggest thing that is missing? Even if it's a general thing, like not feeling "loved" enough.

I deserve to be fed to the lions, it is him I am worried about.

I was thinking that you should be stomped on by a herd of elephants, but the lions thing sounds more entertaining.

 

Seriously, stop being so hard on yourself. What's done is done, and you have recognised your mistake. Make sure you don't make it again, and it's a lesson learned.

[Anka]

First of all, hugs to you(()))

 

You are in place were you are going to find out there is no such thing as the fairytale.

Love is a choice we make. You loved him and wanted him to the point where you married him, by choice.

Marriage is difficult, because you fall in and out of love. But you made the commitment, and you need to try.

Have you considered MC?

I believe that if you had it once, you can get it back. But love isnt always about the butterfly/romance thing.

Real, true love is a choice, an action. The feeling wanes and changes.

Having a good strong marriage means sometimes you just gotta hang in there and believe in the vows you made.

Nothing is going to get better if you are talking to another guy, nothing in your marriage will improve if you do nothing to improve it.

Love grows where it is nourished. havent you heard the saying about how love is like a garden?

[Annyka]

Attractive to him, or attracted to him?

 

I guess that was an interesting slip of the tongue. I was meant to say Attracted to him but now that I think about it - we don't have sex unless I initiate it - so am I attractive to him? He say he's still attracted to me.

 

What is the biggest thing that is missing? Even if it's a general thing, like not feeling "loved" enough.

 

I don't really know. I am bored. I guess the excitement is what is missing.

 

I was thinking that you should be stomped on by a herd of elephants, but the lions thing sounds more entertaining.

 

Lions/Elephants - Whatever - I think I deserve more pain than imaginable for what I've done.

 

Seriously, stop being so hard on yourself. What's done is done, and you have recognised your mistake. Make sure you don't make it again, and it's a lesson learned.

 

The thing is, I don't know if I can make sure I won't do it again. I was 100% sure I'd never feel this way about another man, let alone let myself have the opportunity where I could kiss one, before all this. It's all nice and dandy to say I won't. And right now I believe I never will, but in all honesty I can't say what I will feel in the future, or how I will react - THIS scares me.

[westernxer]

Honestly, I think you're gonna sleep with this guy and ruin your marriage.

[Annyka]

Have you considered MC?

 

How do I go about telling him something is wrong in the first place? I can't suggest MC when he thinks there is nothing wrong.

[Anka]

Well, you need to communicate with your husband, he deserves to know what is happening in his marriage. And both of you deserve a chance at improving your marriage.

He may be bored to.....

There are alot of ways to add excitment to your marriage. Take up a hobby together, experiment sexually, take a vacation.

A married couple should act as a team, and take on life's crap together, you know "for better, for worse"

You would have ruts like this with anyone, and since you have already said you believe in a lasting marriage, you cant just get a b/f to pick up the marital slack.

Im not trying to be harsh with you, but you need to make your hubby and your marriage your top priority.

[Annyka]

Honestly, I think you're gonna sleep with this guy and ruin your marriage.

 

 

What makes you say this?

[westernxer]

What makes you say this?

 

Everything you've written.

[magichands]

I don't really know. I am bored. I guess the excitement is what is missing.

I think your first step is to try to quantify this. What sort of excitement. Maybe you can think of a few ways to pep things up.

 

Then talk to him.

[Annyka]

But you don't even really know me. And I don't even know what I am going to do. At the moment I am on the verge of telling my husband.

 

I'm not offended by your comment. Just curious as to why you would say it. It's not something I would think someone would write in this situation.

 

I am of two minds at the moment, and although sometimes I would agree with what you wrote, I just find it strange you'd pick that up when I am going through the thoughts that contradict that.

[magichands]

, but in all honesty I can't say what I will feel in the future, or how I will react - THIS scares me.

You don't have to react to everything you feel.

 

Westy is right to play devil's advocate. You need to get a grip - and NOW.

 

Your marriage is the thing you need to work on. This guy won't help you make a decision on that score - unless you want your marriage to be over.

 

The right choices aren't always the easy ones.

[Anka]

Its because of your negitivity towards your marriage, its giving that vibe....

But im pulling for ya over here:love:

[Annyka]

I think your first step is to try to quantify this. What sort of excitement. Maybe you can think of a few ways to pep things up.

 

Then talk to him.

 

 

I've been trying that for the last 3 years. I've been telling him I'm bored and what I want him to do, but then when he does it, it feels like it's planned not spontaneous - I know he's doing it to try and make things better - so it doesn't turn me on. I've tried being the proactive one - but then I feel like it's always me doing the work. I feel then that he's not interested in me.

[magichands]

I've been trying that for the last 3 years. I've been telling him I'm bored and what I want him to do, but then when he does it, it feels like it's planned not spontaneous - I know he's doing it to try and make things better - so it doesn't turn me on. I've tried being the proactive one - but then I feel like it's always me doing the work. I feel then that he's not interested in me.

I'm sorry.

 

But what you wrote is exactly what you should tell him. Then tell him that magichands - this pink elephant from a mysterious cyberworld of hot lovin' - is making a play for you. And you're this (||) close to eloping if he doesn't get his act together.

 

No, seriously. What you wrote is exactly what you should tell him. He needs to step up a gear, or he's going to lose you. If you're feeling as desperate as I think you are, then tell him that, too.

[magichands]

But im pulling for ya over here:love:

Me too.

[Anka]

But you cant have the sun and the moon.

 

At least he has tried! If you have been telling him, and he has lisened and tried, that says alot. You have to appreciate the effort:D

 

I think you need to tell him. But if you do, be careful NOT to put it on him like its his fault. Get into MC, you need it.

Honey i wish i could tell you how to tell him, but he is your husband, and you know him. Just be honest, be ready for alot of pain and get ready to help him heal, but dont place blame, your marriage is both your responsibilty.

 

Im glad you are so remorseful, and keep in mind, noone knows what they will do ten years from now. Take life day by day, and use each day to do right as best you can.

[magichands]

But you cant have the sun and the moon.

 

At least he has tried! If you have been telling him, and he has lisened and tried, that says alot. You have to appreciate the effort:D

 

I think you need to tell him. But if you do, be careful NOT to put it on him like its his fault. Get into MC, you need it.

Honey i wish i could tell you how to tell him, but he is your husband, and you know him. Just be honest, be ready for alot of pain and get ready to help him heal, but dont place blame, your marriage is both your responsibilty.

 

Im glad you are so remorseful, and keep in mind, noone knows what they will do ten years from now. Take life day by day, and use each day to do right as best you can.

You're the bomb. Great post!