Selfish or Unappreciated?

[Unsure]

I'm in a relationship which started out to be everything I ever wanted. I waited until i found who I was looking for rather than settle so it wasn't until I met her that I ever got seriously involved, physical as well as emotional. The problem is that all the romance and passion has died out early on. I know this happens eventually but seems to me it's usual after marriage or kids or years of being together yet we have only been together ten months. Sometimes I think I'm being selfish and that since I love her then the companionship should be what it's about. But I'm in my mid-20's and only recently discovered that I am a very passionate and sexual person and part of me thinks that those needs are important as others. That I deserve to have those things in my life. The problem is she used to be as much as I, even more so. But with her education and work and everything she has going on she's very busy which I understand. But when I try to discuss it with her she gets quiet and defensive and says she doesn't see how things have changed. But they have changed quite a bit and now our lovelife is almost routine. If I try and do something spontaneous she gets annoyed and pushes me away. And when I try and be romantic she laughes like it's funny or lame. And she has stopped doing anything whatsoever to make me feel special. No cards, no trips just to see me (we live less than an hour apart and I go to see her all the time), nothing that makes me feel like I'm a priority in her life. Well nothing except her constantly telling me. But even though that was enough at first the fact is it's all talk, everyone knows actions speak louder than words. I know things calm down but we've gone in the opposite direction it seems. So what I'm looking for is someone who can help me see whether this is normal and I'm just being selfish or whether I'm stuck in a relationship where my needs are not an issue. It's hard though since I waited so long and I can't see myself looking back and having had a whopping 7-8 months of exciting love in my whole life! Anyone know what might be up here? Is the spark just not there anymore or is she just working something out with herself?

[Cici]

As my mother always said, "every behavior reflects a need." In relationships there are natural ups and downs, just like for you...sometimes you feel happy and chirpy and sometimes you feel a little down and sluggish. Since your partner professes to be ok, and feels that there is nothing wrong, this could be the case.

 

Everyone gets tired after working and going to school all day. I have two jobs, go to school, do some peer counseling. I've found that there has been a decrease in my sex drive recently because of my hectic schedule. After I realized this (after some gentle comments from my boyfriend), I rescheduled things as much as I could so we could have quality time together (he has loans and a few scholarships which enable him to just go to school).

 

Also, sometimes, it's not always necessary to have sex to express your love and tenderness. You can cuddle, and my boyfriend and I enjoy just fooling around sometimes when we're too tired to get into the productino of sex.

 

It's important to analyze your own behavior as well. You can only do so much in trying to figure out what's wrong with your partner.

 

Good luck!

I'm in a relationship which started out to be everything I ever wanted. I waited until i found who I was looking for rather than settle so it wasn't until I met her that I ever got seriously involved, physical as well as emotional. The problem is that all the romance and passion has died out early on. I know this happens eventually but seems to me it's usual after marriage or kids or years of being together yet we have only been together ten months. Sometimes I think I'm being selfish and that since I love her then the companionship should be what it's about. But I'm in my mid-20's and only recently discovered that I am a very passionate and sexual person and part of me thinks that those needs are important as others. That I deserve to have those things in my life. The problem is she used to be as much as I, even more so. But with her education and work and everything she has going on she's very busy which I understand. But when I try to discuss it with her she gets quiet and defensive and says she doesn't see how things have changed. But they have changed quite a bit and now our lovelife is almost routine. If I try and do something spontaneous she gets annoyed and pushes me away. And when I try and be romantic she laughes like it's funny or lame. And she has stopped doing anything whatsoever to make me feel special. No cards, no trips just to see me (we live less than an hour apart and I go to see her all the time), nothing that makes me feel like I'm a priority in her life. Well nothing except her constantly telling me. But even though that was enough at first the fact is it's all talk, everyone knows actions speak louder than words. I know things calm down but we've gone in the opposite direction it seems. So what I'm looking for is someone who can help me see whether this is normal and I'm just being selfish or whether I'm stuck in a relationship where my needs are not an issue. It's hard though since I waited so long and I can't see myself looking back and having had a whopping 7-8 months of exciting love in my whole life! Anyone know what might be up here? Is the spark just not there anymore or is she just working something out with herself?

[Unappreciated myself]

Dear Unsure:

 

I'm in one of those one-sided relationships now, where I do all the giving and he does all the taking. The sweet "little things" he use to do for me are now nonexistent. He rarely even asks about what goes on in my life. But he always likes when I do things for him or show an interest in his job, hobbies, etc. Believe me, it gets old. I know I deserve better. Life is too short to always get the short end of the stick. I have given him an ultimatum, show a little love and caring, or get out. If she truly loves you, she will make an effort after you honestly communicate your needs to her, if not......go find someone who will love you the way you want and need. Best of Luck!!!

 

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I'm in a relationship which started out to be everything I ever wanted. I waited until i found who I was looking for rather than settle so it wasn't until I met her that I ever got seriously involved, physical as well as emotional. The problem is that all the romance and passion has died out early on. I know this happens eventually but seems to me it's usual after marriage or kids or years of being together yet we have only been together ten months. Sometimes I think I'm being selfish and that since I love her then the companionship should be what it's about. But I'm in my mid-20's and only recently discovered that I am a very passionate and sexual person and part of me thinks that those needs are important as others. That I deserve to have those things in my life. The problem is she used to be as much as I, even more so. But with her education and work and everything she has going on she's very busy which I understand. But when I try to discuss it with her she gets quiet and defensive and says she doesn't see how things have changed. But they have changed quite a bit and now our lovelife is almost routine. If I try and do something spontaneous she gets annoyed and pushes me away. And when I try and be romantic she laughes like it's funny or lame. And she has stopped doing anything whatsoever to make me feel special. No cards, no trips just to see me (we live less than an hour apart and I go to see her all the time), nothing that makes me feel like I'm a priority in her life. Well nothing except her constantly telling me. But even though that was enough at first the fact is it's all talk, everyone knows actions speak louder than words. I know things calm down but we've gone in the opposite direction it seems. So what I'm looking for is someone who can help me see whether this is normal and I'm just being selfish or whether I'm stuck in a relationship where my needs are not an issue. It's hard though since I waited so long and I can't see myself looking back and having had a whopping 7-8 months of exciting love in my whole life! Anyone know what might be up here? Is the spark just not there anymore or is she just working something out with herself?