Boyfriend's girl friend

[LauraK]

My boyfriend has had this friend since they were at uni together. I was uncomfortable knowing they had slept together but I thought ok a one night stand a few years ago, I'll get over that.

 

Well for the first time on Friday night I met her. Now for the first little while I was uncomfortable, I will admit. My boyfriend and I met her with another couple of friends they have. But saying that I was nothing but nice to her.

 

Then because one of the party didn't smoke, I felt it was unfair that he was always left on his own if we all went outside for cigarettes (smoking ban in Scotland sucks - esp in winter!!). So I waited with the guy and this friend. So her and me went out for a cigarette.

 

She then out of nowhere proceeds to tell me that her and my boyfriend used to sleep together. (Boyfriend seemed to fail to mention it happend a few times and not just the once) inside I was stunned. But I just smiled and said I knew all about it. I tried to change the subject by saying it was good that my boyfriend was meeting up with friends he hadn't seen in a while. She then said yeah I was here a couple of months ago but he sent me an email saying I don't think my girlfriend would be impressed if I stayed at his flat. (Second thing boyfriend failed to tell me - he told me he blanked her for that entire weekend). She said she was like f**k off you are kidding blah blah. I just smiled and said I didn't know he had done that but I can see how he would think that as I hadn't met you before. Then she said I never even knew you existed until I saw it on one of these online profile sites. (Oh really, then why when said boyfriend who I was only seeing at the time went to his interview in another town - where she lived and stayed with her, he was texting me and telling her what I was saying) Then she went on about how she got the boyfriend the job he is in (Which I knew).

 

We then went back in to join the others. Somehow it came round to talking about friends, then she said the boyfriend was her best friend, again I just smiled. Then for some reason there was a conversation about body hair, and she said my boyfriend didn't have much. I couldn't even smile at this point. I looked at my boyfriend who said he wasn't impressed by that comment either. (But who now can't remember that being said).

 

Since we went outside for that cigarette, every little while she would say Laura are you ok? Again I would smile sweetly and say I was fine. When we were all leaving, she was in the woman's toilet as well. Another Laura are you ok?

 

I told my boyfriend what she had said outside. He couldn't believe she had said that, but he didn't deny they had been together a few times. He said it was hard to tell me that and he didn't think she would mention it. At this point I went mental. I felt humiliated.

 

Now my boyfriend said I wasn't to let her get to me. Which is easier said than done. I was so hurt that someone could actually say that to someone else, and was stunned my boyfriend wasn't more pi**ed off at her. All he would say is "she is just jealous, she might want me but I don't want her, I love you. She is a bit of a bitch". Is that really a valid excuse?!

 

I want to try and make things work with my boyfriend. But I don't want my life being made miserable by her saying things like that to me. My boyfriend told me he would be devestated if we finished, but I just feel its a case of "she's a bit of a bitch, but that's just her" while I am the one getting hurt.

 

I would like advice on how to play it now?

 

Thank you

[Anka]

I would want her around. She was disrespectful....

But HE shoul;d have been honest about her. And why does he still want to be friends with her? You dont hang out with xscrew buddies when you get in a relationship.

[WhiteKnight]

Well the best advice I can provide you is to actually, cut all ties with that woman and be civil in public to her. You should try to encourage your partner to put certain level of barriers against that ex-partner or close friend, whatever. Make the point to him that you don't want your relationship to fail because you love and care for him, as well as... value this relationship together with him.

 

You know the trouble is that I could relate my case similiar to this. However the people involved was my ex-fiancee and my current partner, they had spoken about me in great length that made me feel, awkward from that day forth... so I'm in the middle of fixing my relationship the best I can. However remaining in contact with your past relationships is not going to help well cause the friendship was already ruined.

 

Anyways...

 

So well having a female friend that is very close to your partner, either even if she was an ex-girlfriend of him. You can suspect a lot of things will go wrong if your trust is fading on him. Once that starts, you must act to tell you boyfriend to be very honest with you so you can gain his loyalty and trust. But trust is not given, its earned.

 

I would not trust any ex-partner of mine who gets very close to me, I would have to be quite firm and strong about it. I can see that this person you described from the party that had slept with your partner can be deceitful, unloyalful and could ruin everything even if you are friends with her.

 

I will admit I am friends with my ex-girlfriends whenever I am in a relationship but I stay very far away from them. Except my ex-partners have this habit of trying to stay close to me. Well the trouble is though, anything can redevelop because of the love and care we once shared. Therefore it could be a possibilty that someone would end up cheating.

 

I do agree with Anka, you don't really hang out with your ex-partners too much otherwise there will be a lot of suspicion for cheating to arise and that would be very unhealthy in the relationship.

 

Also one other thing, I have learnt that being honest and upfront about it with your partner always walks when you two start to talk and work things out in order to either build up the relationship and respect each others opinions or... worst case, go in your seperate ways.

[LauraK]

Firstly thank you both for replying.

 

Anka - I have wondered the very same thing why is he still friends with her? But it seems before I came on the scene they were quite close, as in they went travelling last year together etc. For me that's fine when they were both single, but I am not competing with her.

 

I went to meet her with as much of an open mind as I could, and to be honest for the first little while she was fine. I hate the sly way she did it, when it was only us 2.

 

WhiteKnight - I have said that to him, that I would like it if he wasn't as close with her as he used to be. Honesty means a lot to me in a relationship, and to be fair he did say that she was in town, but he was having a romantic night with me so he would maybe meet up with her the next day, and he did invite me along. I knew another couple of his friends were going and I know he hadn't seem them in a while so I said find out where they are and lets go and meet them. I can't imagine being friends with her, the first impression wasn't good. Plus apart from the 2 serious relationships he has had, he has stayed in contact with all his ex's.

 

In a perfect world, he would say she was a bitch (which he has) but would actually realise friends wouldn't do this, and would close the door on her. He did say if it happend again then he would cut all contact, cause she wouldn't be a friend then. I said she's not a friend now. In past experience friends of ex boyfriends really tried to make you feel welcome.

 

I honestly thought only people in soaps actually did and said the things she did. If one of my friends has said that to him, I would have had it out with them. I would be furious they put him in a position where he was hurt or upset.

 

I told him it upset me so much that he lied to me, and he said he was sorry for that but he didn't know how to tell me that. I think I would have been really uncomfortable hearing this, but at least when I met her I would have had the full story rather than just the bare minimum. I also seriously considered finishing with him, I was being honest. I shouldn't have to put up with that, I don't deserve it.

 

He doesn't see her that often, but they do email. And I just wonder what her opinion will be of me. Especially since the way she reacted over the email my boyfriend sent her.

 

She made it feel like I was the intruder and that was horrible to say the least. I don't want to let her 'win', but I don't want to spend my life being miserable because of her.

[whichwayisup]

She purposely was a bitch to you on purpose, to try and undermine you, your relationship and to 'let' you know more about her and your boyfriend.

 

SHE is the insecure one, so definately try your best not to let her get under your skin...That was her plan all along, to push things and see how far she could go.

 

Bottomline - She is no real friend of your boyfriend - She's a past girlfriend, casual or not, she has no reason to be in his life now, even through emails as her intentions are not good. If there's a way to be a bitch and cause problems, she'll do it. Sadly, your boyfriend may not want to see this, so point it out to him.

[Anka]

Thats right. A real friend would want to be friends with you as well.

I want to tell you to ask your B/F not to be friends with her, but he will do what he wants.

Keep an eye on the sit. and tell him how you feel. And if he cant respect that and your relationship, you are better off without him.

[IpAncA]

O yeah she did that on purpose because she likes him. She's not fooling me none. He obviously wants to remain friends with her too so she's not going anywhere. HOWEVER boundries need to be set.

 

I'll tell you something though. You should have made her realize that your not going anywhere and that he's your not her's and there is nothing that she can do about it. Word of advice do not let her get to you and do not let her see any weaknesses because she will feed off of it.

[whichwayisup]

Word of advice do not let her get to you and do not let her see any weaknesses because she will feed off of it.

 

This is true. It's like animals...They can smell fear - So don't EVER show her that emotion. If anything, act aloof and whateverish (made up word) as much as you can.

[LauraK]

Hiya,

 

Thanks for replying.

 

Now I have calmed down a bit (I've spoken to my boyfriend about it etc, will get to that in a minute), the bit that has really got to me was that she didn't know that my boyfriend had told me he had slept with her at all, so in all honesty that could have came as a huge shock to me. To me that is seriously vindictive. I am wondering if she feels her "back up" has gone?

 

I phoned him the other night and I said I was unhappy. I said I was so hurt and even more so that he seemed to want to brush it off. He admitted he was really angry with her for saying that and he wasn't going to let it go. He said he wasn't good with expressing feelings in that way. Basically it ended with he wasn't going to get in touch with her, but when she got in touch with him he was going to say how angry he was and if she couldn't respect us being together then she's gone. I just really hope he isn't just saying that to pacify me and then will talk to her like nothing happend behind my back. I said to my boyfriend when he asked what I would like him to say to her, that I wanted him to gently remind her what happend between them was in the past. He said he supports me 100%. But I know its hard for him, he's been friends with this girl for maybe about 4/5 years and he's only been with me for 8 months, so I know he would find it hard to let her go.

 

I've thought about it and he didn't lie to me about sleeping with her more than once, but he did bend the truth. I mean who honestly believes anyone would actually come out and say that? The part about the email and the reason I was hurt at that, was the way this girl made it out was as if my boyfriend would have been happy enough for her to stay with him but "the girlfriend" wouldn't be too impressed with it. I just feel he maybe could have backed me up on that. Maybe saying something like "she's not comfortable with it and I can't blame her for that" or something that showed he actually understood my feelings.

 

We had a real heart to heart, face to face the other night where we cleared a lot up about our feelings. Not just about that, but about how we we as a couple were, how strong our feelings really are. At one point he said to me that he was worried that because I wasn't saying much, he was more serious about us than I was. But it wasn't like that - he hadn't said things like that before, he's never went as indepth as he did then, so I was a bit stunned when all these feelings came flooding out and he was brushing tears away, "I can't cry, I have to be the man". I don't doubt he loves me, and I love him. I just really think we needed that talk so we both knew we were on the same page. We are both scared of getting hurt, but we are going to work on it.

 

I will type the outcome here when he has finally said something to her. In my mind, relationships can be hard enough without outside help and that is why I was so hurt. But I also believe the way he handles this is a good indication to the future.

 

Thanks again guys

[CardPlay3r]

Personally I don't believe there is anything wrong for people in relationships to have opposite sex friends, exes or not.

 

The bit that bothers me here is he lied to you...or didn't tell you the whole truth, or both.

[nicki]

I don't blame you for being upset. Your boyfriend really needs to speak up when she says the crap she does. That's HIS responsibility. It will just make you look like a jealous insecure woman if YOU do it. She wants to make you feel bad, which, of course, you do....

 

At any rate, I can't believe she was so overt in her attempts.

 

The best thing would be for your boyfriend and you to look at each other with a WTF look when she says inappropriate things.

 

But, if he's not around and she says stuff to you, just laugh slightly and walk away, like the joke is on her. It will drive her crazy.

 

If she outright insults you, then you can say "You are as nuts as my boyfriend said you were." Then walk away. Always act as if you know way more than she thinks you know. Never admit you don't know something.

 

If she insults you, you can also ask her "What did you say?" It makes her look like an idiot to repeat it and the insult loses it's power. Or just ignore her. Do whatever makes you feel powerful. Don't lose your temper though. Be calm, confident and strong, never weak and upset. Save that for later when you talk to your boyfriend.

 

I've been in this sitation. I know EXACTLY how you feel *sigh*

 

So, team up with your boyfriend to solve things. If he doesn't want to help fix the situation, then I would seriously wonder if he wants to keep her on the back burner (it doesn't sound like that, though.)

 

Good luck. You have already handled things well and are obviously a woman she can be jealous of.

[LauraK]

Thanks for replying,

 

Thing is - my boyfriend didn't know what she had said to me outside fully until we got back to his house after. Although I did when we came back from the cigarette break whisper to him how many times did you sleep with her? He said less than 10. The reason I said it there and then was so he knew that she has said things to me. I was led to believe it only happend once while drunk, so how would I know they had slept together more if she hadn't told me? I didn't really want to get in to it because of the two other people who were there too and I didn't want to make a scene.

 

To be honest, its not about my boyfriend having friends of the opposite sex. Its about his friend telling me they used to sleep together when there was no need for it.

 

She lives in another part of the country, so I have no idea when I will see her again. As far as I know my boyfriend hasn't spoke to her yet, although he is working away at the moment and I'm not sure if he had talked to her he would tell me over the phone.

 

Even if I ignore all the other things that were said - it all comes down to she felt she had to say it, the first time we were on our own, within about a minute and with no witnesses.

[norajane]

To be honest, its not about my boyfriend having friends of the opposite sex. Its about his friend telling me they used to sleep together when there was no need for it.

 

She lives in another part of the country, so I have no idea when I will see her again.

 

Let it go. Seriously. What's the point of dwelling on this?

 

Feel confident in your relationship, stop making yourself into a martyr, and just enjoy your relationship with your bf. This woman is pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things, isn't she? You're turning her into a significant issue, when you can just choose to laugh at her for feeling the need to try to one-up you.

 

And, frankly, she told you the truth - she didn't lie about sleeping with your bf. Some people would be glad to know rather than be all friendly with someone and not know the extent of the relationship they had. They'd be all pissed off that she was so two-faced as to be friendly while you didn't know they'd had sex several times. Your bf certainly let you walk into that by not telling you the whole truth.

 

Anyway, whatever. She's not really in his life - you are.