How many of you on here show yourself affection?

[Zippy]

I wish I understood what you meant by being 'treated badly by people'. Could you elaborate on that?

 

Being made fun of by the barber infront of everyone, kids throwing a water bomb at the window on the bus I was sat at, youths saying 'Oi give me a cig' when I walk past them, a 13 year old grabing something out of my supermarket trolley when I was shopping and looked at me with a sly grin on his face.

 

I just don't like being treated as a joke by the community I live in, I feel unlikable or something.

 

 

What are your expectations of being treated well?

 

Just being treated with respect, not as a figure of fun or someone with an extreamly low social status that suddenly even though I'm human my feelings don't count, they don't matter.

[Guest]

I wish I understood what you meant by being 'treated badly by people'. Could you elaborate on that?

 

Being made fun of by the barber infront of everyone, kids throwing a water bomb at the window on the bus I was sat at, youths saying 'Oi give me a cig' when I walk past them, a 13 year old grabing something out of my supermarket trolley when I was shopping and looked at me with a sly grin on his face.

 

I just don't like being treated as a joke by the community I live in, I feel unlikable or something.

 

 

What are your expectations of being treated well?

 

Just being treated with respect, not as a figure of fun or someone with an extreamly low social status that suddenly even though I'm human my feelings don't count, they don't matter.

 

At first I was a bit stunned by the events you described. But then I realized that I can dig up many similar examples in my own life. And yet, I never internalized them.

 

1) last year kids threw a water balloon at the car I was driving. I thought to myself: kids will be kids.

 

2) I have no doubt that the barber's comments were insensitive. Is there a possiblity that he was too caught up in himself, in doing a show and a performance, to realize he was crossing a line with you? By that I mean it is possible he didn't even realize that you did not find his 'sense of humor' so funny? A coworker of mine has a very wry sense of humor and I often feel her jokes are personal attacks. I've come to realize that they stem from her own insecurities. (She uses sarcasm as a defense mechanism).

 

3) As for the trolley thing, well, antics like that, especially when enacted by anyone under the age of 16, just make me laugh. And they happen to me frequently. (Two I can remember in the last month). I've found that seeing it for what it is, the thrill they get from testing the boundaries of what is and isn't appropriate social behavior, sheilds me from taking any stunt any teenager does seriously. I mean, teenagers are the most self-involved group in most occidental societies. Last week I was walking down the street and these two kids were walking around with hockey equipment. One of them, at the very last minute, surpised me by acting like he was going to club me with the stick. Sounds terrible but I actually cracked out laughing - and so did they. And so did the cute guy behind them when he saw I was laughing. For situations like that: humor. These kids have no power over you. They are not picking on you in particular - they are testing social boundaries. Think about it, that kid in your store probably turned around and did the exact same thing to someone else. Kids love testing reactions. I think it's part of their socialization process. Remember high school?

 

Your last comment made me wonder if perhaps you are a member of a group that has undergone processes of social discrimination?

 

I am a member of a linguistic minority and have been on the receiving end of some interesting comments and reactions because of it. Once, when someone heard and identified my accent, they spit in my face. I often view some of the reactions that I can identify as being motivated by discrimination as social ignorance on my interlocutor's part and I do my best not to internalize it at a pscyhological level. I do reserve the right to keep it on file for those instances when people tell me discrimination no longer exists.

[dgiirl]

Well, I don't really say things like I'm stupid or anything, it's just that if I get treated badly by people, it feels like I'm being treated as though I'm a loser, as though I come across like one, and so this obviously makes me feel like one and is very emotionally painful for me.

 

But in a way, you are saying mean things to yourself. You are allowing other people's actions determine how you feel about yourself.

 

Being made fun of by the barber infront of everyone, kids throwing a water bomb at the window on the bus I was sat at, youths saying 'Oi give me a cig' when I walk past them, a 13 year old grabing something out of my supermarket trolley when I was shopping and looked at me with a sly grin on his face.

 

In all these cases, you have a choice on how to respond. You can internalize their behaviour and think there's something wrong with you and give them all your power by allowing them to make you feel worthless, or you can externalize their behaviour and realize there's something wrong with them, and keep your power over your own self worth. Learning how to be assertive, but not aggressive can also help you build self-confidence. Once you realize that everyone goes through similar situations from time to time, and you stop focusing on all the negatives but focus on all the positive things in your life. The negatives will have less power over your own self worth.

 

It's all in how you interpret every day situations. No matter what we're faced with, we can have a different outlook by simply changing the way we look at it.

[PussInHeels]

I prefer showing affection to my family. But when I go shopping and I buy a bunch of clothes and stuff I don't really need, I tell myself that I deserve it, and I'm getting myself presents for being such a good girl. Of course, this is just so I don't feel guilty spending money

[Trialbyfire]

In all these cases, you have a choice on how to respond. You can internalize their behaviour and think there's something wrong with you and give them all your power by allowing them to make you feel worthless, or you can externalize their behaviour and realize there's something wrong with them, and keep your power over your own self worth. Learning how to be assertive, but not aggressive can also help you build self-confidence. Once you realize that everyone goes through similar situations from time to time, and you stop focusing on all the negatives but focus on all the positive things in your life. The negatives will have less power over your own self worth.

 

It's all in how you interpret every day situations. No matter what we're faced with, we can have a different outlook by simply changing the way we look at it.

 

To add to the externalizing of their behaviour, you don't even need to think there's something wrong with anyone. Shrug it off as no big deal. Most of the things you mentioned wouldn't have bothered me except on PMS days. The only one I would have taken assertive action to is the 13 year old, whereby a good dose of cutting sarcasm would have been sufficient.

[dgiirl]

'Oi give me a cig'

 

psst, what does this mean? Where I live, this just means that the guy was just asking for a cigarette?

[the_alchemyst]

Ah, your therapist is talking about your internal dialog. A lot of people with low self esteem say some awfully cruel things when they speak/think to themselves. You need to change your internal dialog from negative abuse (i'm stupid, i'm ugly, noone loves me) to positive truths (i'm smart, i'm pretty, people like me, they really truely do ). But seriously, when you constantly think negatively, your mood will become negative. When you constantly think postively, your mood will become positive. No matter what situation you are faced with, you have a choice to think about it negatively or positively. When you think positively, more positive things will happen to you.

 

Pay attention to what you tell yourself.

 

I like this.

 

Anyway, to answer your question: No, I don't. I call myself and idiot all of the time, but that's only because I really, honestly think I am one.

 

But dgiirl is right: Saying such negative things to and about yourself is really damaging. Sometimes, when we are treated poorly by others, we tend to treat ourselves the same way, because we have become so accustomed to the negativity that we end up thinking that the way we are treated is the way we deserve to be treated.

 

Getting bullied/harassed in any way deals major damage to our self-esteem, but it doesn't have to be that way always. I think that you going to a therapist is a good thing--it's a great start. Little by little you will work through your problems and realize that the things other say about you are not a measure of who you are. People will always have opinions about us, but you have to remember that they are opinions, not facts, and as such don't account for who we really are.

 

But to be honest, IMO, I think that the things we say to ourselves can potentially be more hurtful than the things we are said by another.

 

So, keep going to therapy if you think it is helping you, and remember that your self-worth is the most important thing, and that you cannot let anyone take is away from you.

 

But again, to answer the OP: Nope. I don't even know what the hell that is.

[Zippy]

psst, what does this mean? Where I live, this just means that the guy was just asking for a cigarette?

 

No. It's the way he asked for one, he just shouted it, and it wasn't even asking, it was more like ordering. He had all his little pals with him as well who laughed.

[dgiirl]

No. It's the way he asked for one, he just shouted it, and it wasn't even asking, it was more like ordering. He had all his little pals with him as well who laughed.

 

Ah, this has happened to me on occassion. Especially when kids are with their peers. They think it's cool. But I wouldnt let that make me feel lower. Actually, I'd think low of them. He obviously has no manners. You cannot force people to have manners, and if he talks that way to you, i'm sure he talks to others in the same manner. It's all on how you look at it.