Dumped on the rebound? (long!)

[kbee]

Hello all.

 

Here's my story:

 

I met a girl at my workplace 4 months ago when she was a new employee. We started talking though instant messenger and became acquainted.

 

I found her very attractive, and I was interested in asking her out to coffee or something casual, but wanted to make sure she was single. I would flirt with her often. Usually on IM at work, but made sure it was humorous and casual. A few weeks later I asked if she had a boyfriend, and she said yes. I thought "oh well, that's the end of that story!"

However we continued to maintain a cordial friendship.

 

About a month later, I noticed her paying slightly more attention to me. As in, initiating conversations and visiting my desk often. I jokingly asked her if she's single now, and to my surprise she said she broke up with her BF. A week later, I asked for her number and we began talking more frequently. I tried not to come onto her too strongly and did not want to pounce on her right away, so I kind of played the "good friend" bit to get close to her.

 

This was her story: She dated a guy for 2 years in college, and she found out he cheated on her 4 times during the time they were together. Obviously she became distraught and dumped him. And she was coping to get over her first serious relationship.

 

Since I've had my share of breakups, I offered her advice and consolation to get through the ordeal. I knew she needed someone to talk to and I was initially happy to lend her an ear. We talked for 2-3 hours almost every night that week. The calls weren't always about her breakup. We got to know each other better and there was some casual flirting as well.

 

After a month of talking on the phone and at work, I asked her out to dinner.

She accepted. And we had a great time. She got slightly tipsy and started flirting.. as well as getting a bit touchy feely (playing footsie and holding my hand). She said she found me attractive. I got pretty excited and thought maybe I should explore this further. I told her the next day I liked her a bit more than a friend and asked if she felt the same way about me. She said no, and gave me the "you’re a good friend" speech. I took it in stride. We had a pretty close friendship and communicated very openly. So I thought.. oh well.. life goes on.

 

Fast forward to another month later (we're in 3rd month now). Things were going pretty good. Though we didn't discuss our feelings for each other, we got along fabulously well and talked for hours every night. We talked a lot about what we liked about each other and just generally complimenting each other a lot. I knew we were getting more attached to each other. Few days later, I fell sick and took off work for 4 days. I found her getting quite restless because she hadn't seen or talked to me for that time. When we talked again, she admitted she that may have developed feelings for me, and that she likes me as more than a friend now.

 

I was obviously quite happy because I’ve liked her the whole time. Even though I tried to suppress it, it felt good to get what you want at the end!

But we didn't talk about if we wanted to be in a relationship. Because in the back of my mind I knew she was still not over her ex. And I didn't want to be the "rebound guy".

 

That weekend, I took her out to dinner. We had another amazing date.. We were all over each other and we kissed for the first time at the end of the night. Later that night, she told me she had an amazing time, but she felt kind of awkward about the kissing bit, because she's still not over her ex. And she felt guilty in some way. She was pretty confused. I told her it's ok. We'll take it slow. For the next few weeks, we saw each other regularly and things were going good. She admitted to me that she thinks I'm someone she would want to date, though we didn’t ascertain if we will become a "couple" yet. I thought of us in the "seeing each other" phase.

 

A few weeks later, she told me she was going to meet her ex to straighten out some loose ends. I wasn't bothered at all because she told me she wouldn't consider getting back with him. But since he was her first "everything", I understood her need to get some closure. The ex never tried to contact her or get back with her after they broke up. But after she told her ex about how she's seeing someone now (me), he became quite jealous and possessive. He started to call her often and tried to meet up with her more.

 

I always knew what was going with those two because she kept me in the loop of things. She told me she wanted to have him as a friend, and I was ok with it. She told me that she's decided to give up the past and see where things go with us. So I didn’t have much reason to be concerned. She was always very honest with me.

 

All was well until a week ago. We had some petty argument and I noticed she became a bit distant. We weren’t talking to each other as frequently and she wasn't being as affectionate as usual.

 

I brought this up with her. And we decided to have a conversation about "this thing between us". She told me at this stage ... she's not looking to get emotionally attached. She said though she has feelings for me, she isn't sure if she wanted to go any further. She said she's confused because of her ex and the fact that he's trying to get back with her. She wanted to call it off with me and stick to being "just good friends".

She went as far as saying, "I like the both of you" (me and her ex) and that had mixed feelings about who she wanted to be with!

 

I got pretty upset about it because things were going great for the last 2 months. I decided to maybe back off a bit and give her "time and space". But was sort of hopeful because she said she did have feelings for me. Two days ago we were hanging out at the beach "as friends" and then getting kind of flirtatious again. And as if nothing had changed, we started acting like we did before, in terms of holding hands and hugging etc.

We didn't openly discuss it but it was obvious that she still enjoyed being with me and being affectionate.

 

The next day, at coffee... she confessed that she's been talking to her ex quite frequently. The ex knew every thing about me and her, and he wanted her back. I suppose he was leveraging their time spent together to pressure her to win her back. She also confessed that she's considering getting back with him. And the only thing stopping her was the fact that she got cheated on by him before.

 

This was all news to me because she made it clear earlier that she didn't want to get back with him. I understood that she wouldn’t be able to get over him in just 3 months but the sudden change of heart was pretty upsetting.

 

I just walked away quite angrily. As far as she's concerned, she maintains she's pretty confused right now about what to do, so she wants us to just go back to being friends before things get more complicated.

 

As far as I go... I have feelings for her and they've become progressively stronger. By pursuing someone who has just broken up with her BF, I assumed the risk of this situation arising, but I guess I didn't see it coming.

 

So here's the age-old dilemma:

 

Because we became close friends right after her breakup and the fact that we get along very well, she maintains she would really be upset about losing me as a friend. She feels terrible about what happened between us and she makes attempts at trying to talk to me and being normal around me.

 

As for me, I’m bitter about having to give up someone I have feelings for. And I have to force myself to just back off because of her baggage. I'm someone who needs a clean break from the person to get over them. I know if I come into frequent contact with her, I will start thinking about the times we had and become pretty awkward.

 

Yet, I'm positive that I want to continue being friends after maybe taking off a few weeks to let things cool down. I emphasize with her a lot because I’ve been in a similar situation before with my ex. In a way, I feel I had it coming…. for going after someone right after a breakup. But I’m also glad I took a shot at it and had an awesome time with her. It was definitely great while it lasted.

 

At the end of the day, I want to do the right thing. I want to have the moral victory.

It sucks to let go of the girl. And I’m still hurting.

Since we work at the same company (thankfully we don’t on work on the same team) I want to be civil around her. But don’t want to be a prick either. I could use some help on how to deal with this situation.

 

I keep thinking if she’s worth waiting for? Or if I should make a strong move to win her back? Or should I just back off completely?

 

I’m not even sure what advice I’m seeking. But it sure helped pouring it all out here. Thanks for reading. And I’d be interested in reading your thoughts on how i should deal with this.

[ddnnee]

you got yourself into a little mess and broke your own heart. Haven't you ever heard about not dating a rebounder for at least a year or until they tie up loose ends?

 

anyway, I would say you back off but dont act like a dick either. just treat her as a co-worker like you did way back then. Obviously she loves her first boyfriend a lot and will accept his apologies. She can NEVER - let me repeat - NEVER love you as much as she loves her first boy.

 

anyway, good luck and if she chooses you, fun for you. now... which pokemon will she choose... cheetomon or kbeechu?