kea Posted June 7, 2002 Share Posted June 7, 2002 This is my story- I met this guy at college and we hit it off! Sparks were everywhere! Attraction was intense! We dated for a couple of months and had a great time. He always wanted to hold my hand and blow kisses at me. Great kind and passionate guy! I fell hard. Then he left the city to go to a summer job. I kept writing to him and calling him and everything seemed great. When he came back, he didn't call me, so I got mad. I called him and he didn't return my calls. I told him I needed to talk to him. Nothing. Then I didn't call him anymore. But I loved him. He just ignored me. I felt confused. But I was SO mad about it. I got the impression that he didn't want me anymore. Yet he would NEVER come right out and tell me that he wanted space or that he found somebody new. He was more upset about my being angry. We would be in the same places and he wouldn't talk to me. But he would watch me, staring. We both were so immature. I was humiliated that he didn't even tell me what was wrong. So I gave up. Years went by and and he married someone else. Now I hear they're divorced. What should I do? I still have those feelings for him. We're just much older and more mature than before. Should I approach him. I haven't talked to him in 20 years! Oh my! You would think it gets easier as you get older, but it doesn't. You still get nervous! Am I being silly and should I just act my age(42)? What do you guys think? Is it possible to love someone this way after all these years? Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted June 7, 2002 Share Posted June 7, 2002 You aren't in love with this guy. You are in love with the *idea* of what could have been. Two months together does not equal love. He made it very clear to you back then (the signs really are numerous) that he wasn't interested. If he was, he would have called you back, asked you out, and dated you. He did not share your feelings. So why do you think he would now? Close the book on this one and move on with your life. Don't waste another 20 years fantasizing about him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kea Posted June 7, 2002 Author Share Posted June 7, 2002 You seem to have the impression that I have spent 20 years daydreaming about him. This is not the case. I have had several fruitful relationships during this time, one lasting 10 years. I just happened to have heard he was single again and I was curious. I will always like him. He ended it because I was so angry at him. we went out for two months but we were friends for years. I haven't seen him in 20 years because we lived in different places. I'm not pathetic like you seem to think. I am a normal, caring, and loving person who can forgive petty things. If anything maybe we could still be friends after all of this time. I just wanted a little friendly advice. I guess I will always have a special feeling for him because he was my 2nd relationship, and we were young. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted June 8, 2002 Share Posted June 8, 2002 I just formed an opinion based on what you posted. I obviously don't know you, your history, what you did in anger twenty years ago, or all of the other little details that you are privy to. You say he ended it because you got mad. In your first post, you said you got mad because he didn't call you. If he didn't call you, it sounds like he ended things in his mind before you got mad, then simply didn't want to deal with your reaction. When girls react like that, guys think *psycho* and it's hard to work your way back up from that. Yes, maybe he was immature, and maybe you were immature, but you said yourself that he never returned your calls. Guys return calls when they care, even if the girl blows a fuse every once in awhile. You also said you loved him, and still have those feelings for him. Now you say you like him. Which is it? Have you spoken to him since you broke up? He's had plenty of time in 20 years to get in touch with you if he wanted to. Men are very resourceful and will do whatever it takes to talk to a woman they want to talk to. He hasn't done so. I never said you were pathetic. I'm sure you look back on your time together fondly. It just didn't sound from your original post that this was a little reminiscing. It sounded like you never quite fell out of love with this guy and are now hoping to get him back. If I misconstrued that, I apologize. But what are you trying to do here? Do you want to start a relationship? Do you want to be friends? How will you feel if you call and he never calls you back? You can do what you want--if you want to contact him, go for it. It's your life. Who knows, it might turn out great. He might be thrilled to hear from you and want to meet up with you as soon as possible. But it also might not, and you should be prepared for either outcome. Just remember that he's had a completely different life for the past 20 years, and he may not even be the guy you remember him to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 8, 2002 Share Posted June 8, 2002 It was nuts to love him way back when...and it's even nuttier now. This guy showed he didn't care beans about you. He wanted nothing to do with you and he would never return any of your communication. Now that you're older, I would hope that life has taught you that when somebody doesn't return your calls repeatedly, they want nothing to do with you. So why would anything be different now? He's just an older butthole than he used to be. I can't understand why a grown, mature women would want to have anything to do with a guy who was so rude and cowardly he wouldn't at least give you the courtesy of a call and an official send off. There's a lot of dysfunction attendent to "loving" someone who is rude and abusive. Take time to delve into yourself and learn more about why you would "love" a turkey like this. It is not healthy to go through life giving "love" to people who don't want to have anything to do with it. I hope you have some other things going now. I hope by age 75 you write this guy off and find true love. What will it take? Link to post Share on other sites
BeReal Posted June 8, 2002 Share Posted June 8, 2002 People change a lot in twenty years. He could be a better or worse of a man now. I think you probably are in love with the fantasy of him. You don't really know who he is now. I don't see why you shouldn't be open to dating him. Do you live near each other? Have mutual friends? Why not just run into him in casual situations and see what you think? You say he is recently divorced, maybe he isn't ready for a relationship yet. Also, make sure he isn't on the rebound. Do you know the reasons for his divorce? It could reflect negatively on him, cheating etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kea Posted June 8, 2002 Author Share Posted June 8, 2002 I just had fond memories of when I was young. You are right about him being rude not to return my calls. But I only tried to get him to call around three times. I had a bit of a temper and it may have scared him off. I really had not given him much thought in the 20 years. I was involved with other people. Someone just mentioned to me last week about his divorce and memories just came flooding back. There are other details about this relationship that I am not comfortable writing here in a forum, but we were very close. I didn't mention that after that particular summer, I moved 4 hours away to continue my studies at another University. He knew I wouldn't be able to see him. I knew I wouldn't be able to see him. We would be too far apart and I would be so busy. I'm truly not a "nut case". I'm a well educated and well rounded person. I can't blame him for everything that went wrong. Maybe it fizzled because I was leaving for two years. Who knows. When I said I liked him, I meant it. But I also have those warm fuzzys for him too. I truly appreciate all of your opinions and thank you for your wisdom! Link to post Share on other sites
jimthzz Posted June 10, 2002 Share Posted June 10, 2002 If you want to say hello to this guy, then dammit, just contact him! It's not like you're going to offer to carry his love child by merely attempting to catch up on things with him. However, do not expect that he will share some decades-long flame for you. He might, but he probably will not. Talk with him, meet with him, keep it light. Please, please, please do not drop an emotional bomb on him the first time you meet or talk with him. Trust me, that would not go over well. If you dated a short time, even if you slept with him, it was a long time ago and over a long time ago. Frankly, he may not have invested as much emotionally in the "intimacy" as you did. He may not even remember the reasons why he stopped things with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Quandry Posted June 10, 2002 Share Posted June 10, 2002 There is nothing at all wrong with contacting someone from your past, no matter what you expect to come of it! Just keep in mind that if you want more than friends, he may not. But he may also!!! You will never know unless you try. You have NOTHING at all to loose... if nothing becomes then you carry on like you have... without him! Be bold, put yourself out there! You're not nuts, pathetic or anything else for that matter... A friend of mine recently called a guy she dated (for a couple months) about 15 years ago... she's not seen nor spoken to him in 15 years. I don't know how they ended or anything... but she called to say hi. And you know they are to be married by years end! She did not call him to marry him or anything, but it took the 1st phone call!!!! YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOOSE! If he thinks you're psycho, then that's him!!! his loss. You know you're not nuts and that's ALL that matters. Call the guy and let us know how it went! Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author kea Posted June 10, 2002 Author Share Posted June 10, 2002 Thank you for your input, I will! Plus I'll let you knos how it goes! Kea Link to post Share on other sites
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