Wife doesn't LOVE me anymore!

[Stevearino]

I have seen a lot of posts on here about how marriages end up after a long period of time where the wife says she loves her husband but she doesn't "love him". What's this all about?

 

My reason for asking is thats where I am right now with my wife now in our 8 year marriage. I have never cheated or been unfaithful to her. I provide for her, spend time with the kids and her, do my share of the housework, etc.

 

She recently has befriended another woman in town who has become her best friend. They are constantly together, on the phone numerous times a day, they go away on weekends together. When out as a family this friend calls on the cell phone and interupts our family time. I was on the house phone yesterday and she called in and i figured i'd let it go into voicemail and she immediately hung up and called in on the cellphone. What's so important that she needs to talk with my wife, i thought. She talked with her only about an hour ago. The concern I have is that this woman is divorced, a single mom, lost her job, and is tainting my wifes head that divorce is ok. I don't know, my wife says its not the case.

 

My wife announced to me about a month ago that she Love's me but not in an intimate way. I talked with her numerous times to try and work things out and saw a few faults in myself that I agree I need to work on and I am. i finally wrote her a letter when I was getting nothing out of her and she wrote back that she questions her love for me as far back before we were even married. She has asked me to leave and I thought why is it I have to leave I'm not the one who's not in love anymore!

 

I have seeked out a counselor and talked her into going as well. We have our first couples session this wednesday.

 

I really want to save this marriage, I love her, we have two bueatiful children and a nice home.

 

We went out on a date last weekend (sort of the starting over approach). I went to hold her hand and she pulled away. Then she went into talking about the whole she doesnt love me anymore she thinks she will be better off alone. Not exactly what I wanted to discuss on the date, but i had to listen and get knocked down again. At least the movie was good "Casino Royale - James Bond" I highly reccomend it.

 

Steve

[Trialbyfire]

Please reread what you've written. Perhaps you didn't mean to come off this way but it sounds like you're not really listening to what she has to say and that her wants/needs are little more than an annoyance and interruption to your life. I hope you get this rectified through couple counseling.

[jmargel]

'Grass is greener on the other side syndrom'. Best way to get her to start thinking? Open the cage door. Tell her 'You are free to go, but if you decide to do this, you are not welcomed back'. Otherwise she'll be doing what she wants, while playing head games & stringing you along. This gives her the ability to be unfaithful and not only laying the blame on you but not facing any consequences.

 

Tough love is in order here, it's the ONLY way this will work. I just seems so senseless that women flock like that.. When they have a friend that all of a sudden becomes single, it's like they have to follow that friend. Yet, all the single women I've met seem so unhappy. Go figure.

[Stevearino]

I am focusing on myself right now, as well as the kids in making sure they are not slipping through the cracks.

 

I am moving towards the tough love part in terms of cutting back on her taking money from our savings to go out with her friend and have a good time. Going to the counselor now is a hard hit to our budget and she didn't seem to realize it until i asked for her credit cards back. Then I found her writing checks to cover her friends tickets to different events where they would pay her back and she would not replenish the account, she would pocket it. To be fair I threw my CC's in the safe as well and cut back on any non essential spending as well. This is the toughest time of year to do this with the holidays and all. But i know she wants to buy her friends gifts we cannot afford!

 

I read that if I work on my own shortcomings and manage myself to be a better person your mate should respond back in a positive way. I hope it works. If not I will realize she is not the one for me but I will be a stronger person to move along thru life with or without her.

 

Steve

[Gunny376]

'Grass is greener on the other side syndrom'. Best way to get her to start thinking? Open the cage door. Tell her 'You are free to go, but if you decide to do this, you are not welcomed back'. Otherwise she'll be doing what she wants, while playing head games & stringing you along. This gives her the ability to be unfaithful and not only laying the blame on you but not facing any consequences.

 

Tough love is in order here, it's the ONLY way this will work. I just seems so senseless that women flock like that.. When they have a friend that all of a sudden becomes single, it's like they have to follow that friend. Yet, all the single women I've met seem so unhappy. Go figure.

 

Good advice here. Tough love is the way to go. I wouldn't be the one to leave, and I would be telling her, "You want your freedom? Fly little bird, fly away!" Its a cold tough world out there, and there are a lot of not so nice people out there just waiting to use and abuse you and throw you under the bus.

 

Financially things are tight as a couple ~ what does she think its going to be like as a single mom?! Single life is tough when you have children. Its ot the same as when you were single and it was just you and you could just drop what you were doing.

 

There's no putting this back together ~ until she's sufficently motivated to do so. She's running with her newly divorced single friend, going out spending money that should be going toward the household and the family. I wouldn't be bankrolling it. Not with my money.

 

Its been 99.99% my experience that when you hear the words, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you!" and "I'm not happy" and "My friends mean more to me than you do!" then you need to be checking around the back porch. If she's not out having a full blown affair, she's either having an emotional one or doing some serious flirting.

 

Bottom line is that while you've been meeting the hard physical and "provider" needs of your wife, you've not been meeting her emotional needs as a woman. (Sorry, truth hurts ~ I had to beat myself up pretty hard to understand this one!)

[My Fair Katie]

Sorry to hear Steve.

 

A lot of people will disagree, but I really think the whole "not in love" thing is a cop out. We age, we mature, the butterflies are no longer there. Love changes.

 

Anyway, that said, I would recommend talking to a lawyer BEFORE moving out of the house. If you leave it could have an impact on the division of assets and the custody of the children.

 

Best of luck Steve.

[Ladyjane14]

My first thought for you, Steve, is that you need to educate yourself ASAP... before this goes any farther. Once a week marriage counseling isn't going to be quick enough.

 

Toward that end, I think there are some books you could read that might help you. Here's a few titles to start you off: Love Busters: Overcoming Habits That Destroy Romantic Love by Harley, The Five Love Languages by Chapman, Love Must Be Tough by Dobson.

 

I agree with JMargel in that there's something valuable to be had in "opening the cage door", and also that you don't want to allow illusions about how things are going to be if your wife elects to that option.

 

Sounds like tough love on the surface, but the reality is that if you invest in your wife's fantasy... you perpetuate it. So, I think if I were you I would utterly refuse to leave the family home. If she's determined, she'll up the ante by hurting your feelings when she doesn't get her way, but knowing that she's likely to do that will hopefully take some of the sting out of it.

 

You know, women sometimes reach a stage in their lives that could almost be defined as a mini-midlife crisis. Gunny refers to that as "flakey broad syndrome".

 

But whatever you want to call it, it's a time when we realize that we're all grown up now, and wondering if THIS is all there is. We're wearing alot of different hats... wife, mommy, daughter, sister, employee, etc., but in some ways we're not wearing our OWN hat often enough. We've lost some individuality, failed to follow our dreams.... and unfortunately, when we cast around for someone to pin all that on, there's the husband.

 

It's not fair and it's not right, but sometimes we tend to view him as "controlling" our destiny, holding us back. I realize it sounds nonsensical, but not everything is rational. Guys going through the midlife will often do the same, taking issue with their wife as if she had single-handedly killed all his hopes and dreams.

 

Anyway, this is one possible reason for the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you"[/i] nonsense. Resentment blocks love, and when resentment is present... you can't really know how much love might still be available until the resentment is cleared up.

 

That's why it's imperative that you work through these resentments quickly, before escalation can occur. Toward that end, I think you two need to sit down and make money decisions TOGETHER. I'm not saying you should finance her in leaving you... but you need to make certain that you're not painting a bullseye on your forehead by holding the purse-strings too tight during the holidays.

 

Why not say 'yes' to everything that you're able to say 'yes' on? You don't want to add-on resentments, you want to clear them away.

 

If you type the words, 'policy of joint agreement, marriagebuilders' into your browser, you'll find an article that will help you to negotiate agreements. You can apply this tool to the holiday spending issue. (You might also want to read through the Basic Concepts section. It's a good read. )

[Ladyjane14]

You might also think about dropping any further blame or discussion regarding your wife's divorced friend. It really doesn't matter if she's leading your wife down the garden path or not... if YOU end up being the one with mud on your face. She'll most likely take it as criticism no matter what you say.

 

The subject is a landmine, best to treat it like one.

You can't reason with unreasonable people, anyway. And your wife probably isn't in a place right now where she'll be able to see your point.

[Sonitas]

If she's not out having a full blown affair, she's either having an emotional one or doing some serious flirting. quote]

 

 

Sorry I have to disagree with that one....I am in this situation and there is NO other man at all, physical or emotional. I can't see that always being the case. I could not live with myself having any type of affair behind someones back, nobody deserves that.

[Rooster_DAR]

If she's not out having a full blown affair, she's either having an emotional one or doing some serious flirting. quote]

 

 

Sorry I have to disagree with that one....I am in this situation and there is NO other man at all, physical or emotional. I can't see that always being the case. I could not live with myself having any type of affair behind someones back, nobody deserves that.

 

I have to agree with Gunny in my case,

 

This is exactly what my Ex is doing to me. It also started with the love not in love thing and progressively got worse. She is 34 years old and started acting like a teenager again, text messaging night and day and going out to bars and trips with her friends at work. I finally discovered she was having an affair with a co-worker, and that's where I'm at right now. I have been patient with her but I now have finally ran out of patience. I am not going to stand around and let her choose between the two of us, I deserver much better.

 

This type of thing seems to be a widespread epidemic, and it appears to be getting worse. I even discussed this with my now EX and we communicated about this, but yet she still decided the grass is greener elsewhere. It's really screwed up that this is happening so much, people are so disposable nowadays.

 

Regards,!

[Sup]

Who says that it HAS to be a GUY?

[Rooster_DAR]

Who says that it HAS to be a GUY?

 

Good point! Maybe she had decide she really likes clam chowder.

[Sonitas]

I was making a note that not ALL women are the same. I am sure there are alot of men out there that have had an affair on their wife. But you can't assume that someone is having an affair just because they are having problems in their relationship.

[Rooster_DAR]

I was making a note that not ALL women are the same. I am sure there are alot of men out there that have had an affair on their wife. But you can't assume that someone is having an affair just because they are having problems in their relationship.

 

This is very true, but in a large number of cases we usually find someone else in the picture. Men aren't as intuitive as women generally speaking, so you have to wonder how many men have lost there S/O and did not realize anything was ever going on.

 

Regards,

[crazy_grl]

Who says that it HAS to be a GUY?

 

I was starting to wonder if I was the only one thinking along these lines. Not to make Stevearino paranoid, but who really calls their friend that often and spends that much time with them. The behavior sounds a lot more like how people behave in romatic relationships than platonic. That combined with saying she was questioning her love since before they were married sounds like a way of side-stepping around saying he wasn't sure back then if she was straight. Hopefully that's not the case, but that's what jumped out at me.

[Gunny376]

Sorry to hear Steve.

 

A lot of people will disagree, but I really think the whole "not in love" thing is a cop out. We age, we mature, the butterflies are no longer there. Love changes.

 

Anyway, that said, I would recommend talking to a lawyer BEFORE moving out of the house. If you leave it could have an impact on the division of assets and the custody of the children.Best of luck Steve.

 

Like I said...................................

 

Its been 99.99% my experience that

 

You must be in the .01%!

[Sup]

I was starting to wonder if I was the only one thinking along these lines. Not to make Stevearino paranoid, but who really calls their friend that often and spends that much time with them. The behavior sounds a lot more like how people behave in romatic relationships than platonic. That combined with saying she was questioning her love since before they were married sounds like a way of side-stepping around saying he wasn't sure back then if she was straight. Hopefully that's not the case, but that's what jumped out at me.

 

 

BELIEVE ME, when I'm tellin you I'm not trying to think that way, but as they say, It's the 21st Century!

[My Fair Katie]

 

You must be in the .01%!

 

Actually our two thoughts aren't mutually exclusive. Whether Steve's wife is having an affair or not I still find the statement "not *in* love" to be a cop out that ultimately says, "I don't feel like giving this a fighting chance because I'm selfish and our history of love and companionship means less to me than the potential for new and exciting things."

 

Not that I'm cynical or anything.

[Gunny376]

Actually our two thoughts aren't mutually exclusive. Whether Steve's wife is having an affair or not I still find the statement "not *in* love" to be a cop out that ultimately says, "I don't feel like giving this a fighting chance because I'm selfish and our history of love and companionship means less to me than the potential for new and exciting things."

 

Not that I'm cynical or anything.

 

I'll buy off on 99.99 % of that!

 

And you're right just because some old gal goes out with the GF's and has a "GNO" (Girl's Night Out) doesn't mean she's out to do and have anything but a good time, a good laugh, and then go home to the man they truly love and whose loves them.

 

Even when my XW was in this mode ~ there was one or two that went with the WW (Wayward Wives) Club, and truly could not see the appeal. Which I have to grant you this all went down in Okinawa, Japan ~ where the number of availaible men in their prime (18 thorugh 38) mostly Marines, buff, in shape way out number of American Women. At the time I would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that 90% of the wives were cheating on their husbands, but hindsight being 20/20 ~ it realistically more like the old 10/90 rule, in which just 10% of the group give the other 90 % a bad rep. If your one of the 10% spouses though ~ you'd swear it was the other way around.

 

I personally don't have a problem with my SO (Significant Other) having a GNO, its when it becomes excessive that I'm going to kick her to the curb. We all need time and space away from each other ~ just as much as we need time and space together and alone with one another. The key here is "balance" And, then there's the GF that needs a GF shoulder to cry on, support her, or help her get back into the game.

 

Intererstinglyh enough, my last LTR GF did this a time or two, but just to test the waters, I pulled a GNO, (Guy's Night Out) and she went high and to the right, (Marine term ~ means eratic, hysterical) I guess what's good for the gander isn't good for the goose?

[Woggle]

When your wife starts becoming close with a single or divorced woman you need to be careful. Believe me they are putting ideas in their heads about shedding their husband so they can go and be single and independent together. When women are not happy with their life the person they tend to blame is their husband. No it does not make sense but then again many women make no sense. I hate to say this but this is most likely over. Stop trying to save this marriage and get your legal ducks in a row to prepare for divorce. Don't leave the house and make sure she can't shut you out of your children's lives. Also stop blaming yourself because nobody is perfect and from what I get from your thread you have done everything to be a good husband.

[Gunny376]

When your wife starts becoming close with a single or divorced woman you need to be careful. Believe me they are putting ideas in their heads about shedding their husband so they can go and be single and independent together. When women are not happy with their life the person they tend to blame is their husband. No it does not make sense but then again many women make no sense. I hate to say this but this is most likely over. Stop trying to save this marriage and get your legal ducks in a row to prepare for divorce. Don't leave the house and make sure she can't shut you out of your children's lives. Also stop blaming yourself because nobody is perfect and from what I get from your thread you have done everything to be a good husband.

 

 

Amen, Brother, Amen! Stand up, Stand UP, I say and TESTIFY! Stand UP and tell it like it is!!!!! As though it came down off of the mountain!

[lisapizza]

Who says that it HAS to be a GUY?

 

 

Bingo!! That was my first thought, maybe she has a romantic thing w/ her friend?? Now a days You Never know....

[Sup]

Bingo!! That was my first thought, maybe she has a romantic thing w/ her friend?? Now a days You Never know....

 

 

I DON'T WANNA KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :sick: :sick: :sick:

[Stevearino]

Thank you everyone for your replies!!!

 

I am sooo alone going thru this and your feedback whether good, bad, or indifferent really means alot to me. I am sorting thru it all listening and being open to everyone replying...Thank You again.

 

We went to the therapist as a couple for the first time last week. I guess i am lost a little more now than before with my wife's feedback on why she is feeling the way she is, I guess maybe she is not telling the truth or skirting around the real issue. But I can't seem to understand why she wants to end a marriage or at least try to work on it over petty little things that if she communicated to me in the first place I would have simply changed. Those petty little things are like when putting the kids to bed she gets upset when I horseplay with the kids a little beforehand, but this is something that may happen once or twice every three months, or at times when i get home from work while I wait for the kids to finish their baths i would take a catnap i n their bed until they are out dressed and ready for stories. This is what I am up against! Even the therapist was looking a little dumbfounded on her responses trying to better understand why she wold want to break up a marriage over things like this. There are more sessions that need to be had to get to the real issue here that my wife is not releasing. I have always said and still do and am trying my hardest to correct my faults, I told her I am not the perfect person but I want to correct my issues because of the love I have for you. What response do i get in return - I love you but I don't love you in a intimate way.

 

As for the gf she still hangs out all the time with her. Last wednesday I took the day off to get a few things done and she said she was going shopping I said great may I join you and we can get some Christmas shopping done for the kids! Her response was she already had plans to go shopping with the gf. But she would see what she could do. Well the next morning came I ran my early morning errands and I found out that she went shopping with the gf and blew me off. Then to make matters worse i left for a biz trip and called in at night ot find out the gf was over the house setting up the xmas tree and having a grand ole time with my kids and her. I felt like I just lost my kids and her and the whole joy of being a family.

 

I wake up in the morning and find myself crying like its over and there is no way back. I know i need to hold myself together but i find myself scared to keep going through the next door.

 

I never wanted this for our children and i feel I am letting them down.

 

I'll keep listening and look forward to everyone's responses...

 

Thank You, Steve

[whichwayisup]

Those petty little things are like when putting the kids to bed she gets upset when I horseplay with the kids a little beforehand

 

This actually made me laugh because I really believe this is a male trait. My husband does this when my nieces are sleeping over here, my bro in law does this to his daughters, drives my sis NUTS and my bro does it to his sons, drives his wife NUTS! LOL!

 

Good luck with therapy, atleast you two are going together and it's a start. Keep an open mind and don't hold back. Speak from heart! You love your wife, so now is the time to show it and fight hard to win her back!