Wife doesn't LOVE me anymore!

[Gunny376]

I don't know Steve, the more you describe the "GF" the more suspicious this whole thing sounds. But, of course if you even so much as hinted at there being something is going on, ~ you'll get your head torn off.

 

She's sounding more and more like a wayward spouse, whose having an affair. And, they're sounding more and more like a romantic couple?

 

Sorry~!

[Stevearino]

I know everytime i mention the gf and how she spends too much time with her she threatens me with divorce and goes into the I dont love you tactics.

 

At the session with the therapist we talked about our sex life and how I wasnt pleasing her the right way. I mentioned that I had already done some research on ideas to improve our sex life but she says she is not interested. Again the therapist was telling her that her husband is going thru alot to improve your relationship. She just closed up.

 

I guess it is a lost cause but i will keep on fighting for her.

 

Steve

[Woggle]

I am starting to think this GF might be an actual GF. This is a little too weird. I don't know what to say but to come to terms with the idea of not being with her. I would sit down with her and tell her it is obvious she is not happy with you so let's end this marriage in a civil manner and both be parents to our children. Maybe finally giving up trying to save the marriage could make her change her mind if this friend is no more than a friend.

[Rooster_DAR]

Just throwing this out there. (I will be generalizing a bit here)

 

Women that want out of relationships many times do it for one reason, but they just nitpick every excuse they can come up with to justify why they want to leave. Very many times it's because they fundamentally want to have sex with someone else, whether it be through a new relationship or just mutual relations. This may not always be true, but if I were to bet money on every breakup with this context, I would be a quite wealthy man.

 

FYI,

 

When a woman says they want "A divorce" "Some Space" "A separation", you can bet there is someone else in the picure. And when it's a separation, you better plan on it being the end.

 

Cheers!

[HeadlessZebra]

Sorry, man. Your wife is a lesbian. Call it women's intuition, but after all I've read here I can almost guarantee it.

 

If you need proof, look no further than the Christmas tree incident:

 

i left for a biz trip and called in at night ot find out the gf was over the house setting up the xmas tree and having a grand ole time with my kids and her.

She is playing house with her new partner and your kids, gearing up for the day she leaves you and they can form a happy two-mommy family.

[Ladyjane14]

Sorry, man. Your wife is a lesbian. Call it women's intuition, but after all I've read here I can almost guarantee it.

 

Unless you find your wife in an intimate sexual embrace with her friend... I REALLY don't think you can assume she's a lesbian.

 

Sometimes people will transfer their emotional intimacy to another person during times of strife. This is wholly different from 'sexual intimacy' and involves acceptance by another person through communication. Sometimes it's just a friend.

 

There've been MANY times in my life when I was sharing more communication with a friend than I shared with my husband. It didn't mean I was behaving sexually with them. All it meant is that I could TALK and feel like I was really being 'heard' by another person.

 

The 'fly in the ointment' is that it means the primary relationship between husband and wife isn't communicative enough. It doesn't fulfill her ENs (emotional needs).

 

The thing that will expedite recovery is for YOU to provide a safe environment for communications. She has to be able to trust that you can handle whatever she has to say. Otherwise, she's not going to open up and talk to you. Your wife is in the 'state of withdrawal' (see marriagebuilders article, The Three States of Mind in Marriage).

 

You're not going to accomplish anything by overt 'attacks' on the friend. She probably feels like her friend is the only one she can rely on right now. It's better to insinuate yourself back into your wife's 'circle of trust'. Little by little, one step at a time... you begin to fulfill her EN for conversation and acceptance. This will eventually displace the friend as her primary source of emotional intimacy and transfer it back to you where it belongs.

 

NOW is the time for keeping a cool head and not allowing your own emotions to run away with you.

[HeadlessZebra]

I REALLY don't think you can assume she's a lesbian.

 

Care to make a friendly wager?

 

$50 USD says by the time this pans out he'll have discovered she's munching rug.

[Ladyjane14]

I'd never say "never". Anything's possible.

 

But I think the odds are better that the wife has simply withdrawn emotionally from the marriage. Withdrawal doesn't necessarily dictate she's 'changed teams'. There's a host of possible reasons why she might have disengaged from the marriage.

 

I think it would be a mistake for the OP to rush to judgement before he finds out what's going on in his wife's head though. And sugar will go farther than vinegar in forwarding his agenda.

[Gunny376]

I'd never say "never". Anything's possible.

 

But I think the odds are better that the wife has simply withdrawn emotionally from the marriage. Withdrawal doesn't necessarily dictate she's 'changed teams'. There's a host of possible reasons why she might have disengaged from the marriage.

 

I think it would be a mistake for the OP to rush to judgement before he finds out what's going on in his wife's head though. And sugar will go farther than vinegar in forwarding his agenda.

 

I really don't see any other option ~ other than taking a wait and see approach while conducting as thorugh a reconissence as possible. Any other aprroach would be pre-mature.

 

I'd be open to any and all possibilities though?

[ilmw]

I'd never say "never". Anything's possible.

 

But I think the odds are better that the wife has simply withdrawn emotionally from the marriage. Withdrawal doesn't necessarily dictate she's 'changed teams'. There's a host of possible reasons why she might have disengaged from the marriage.

 

I think it would be a mistake for the OP to rush to judgement before he finds out what's going on in his wife's head though. And sugar will go farther than vinegar in forwarding his agenda.

 

Yeah I tend to agree with you..LJ.

 

The OP would realy feel like a Fool... if he totaly blew this by accusing his W as being a lesbian... ... and she wasn't...

 

ilmw

[Gunny376]

Its like Steve told Hellen ~ "There's just no way of tellin' ":(

[norajane]

Perhaps it's time for the OP to do a little sleuthing on emails and whatnot - perhaps there are some tender words of love being exchanged between the ladies...

 

In any case, Steavarino, I would suggest that you NOT move out of the house, ever. She wants to end the marriage, she needs to leave and get her own apartment.

 

I'd also suggest that you talk to a divorce lawyer NOW. Find out what you need to do to protect your assets, and what you need to do to make sure you get joint custody of the kids if you were to divorce.

 

You should probably be keeping some kind of record of your wife's activities, in the event it turns out she is cheating on you. That might make a difference in your divorce, so bring that up with your lawyer as well.

[Sup]

Thank you everyone for your replies!!!

 

I am sooo alone going thru this and your feedback whether good, bad, or indifferent really means alot to me. I am sorting thru it all listening and being open to everyone replying...Thank You again.

 

We went to the therapist as a couple for the first time last week. I guess i am lost a little more now than before with my wife's feedback on why she is feeling the way she is, I guess maybe she is not telling the truth or skirting around the real issue. But I can't seem to understand why she wants to end a marriage or at least try to work on it over petty little things that if she communicated to me in the first place I would have simply changed. Those petty little things are like when putting the kids to bed she gets upset when I horseplay with the kids a little beforehand, but this is something that may happen once or twice every three months, or at times when i get home from work while I wait for the kids to finish their baths i would take a catnap i n their bed until they are out dressed and ready for stories. This is what I am up against! Even the therapist was looking a little dumbfounded on her responses trying to better understand why she wold want to break up a marriage over things like this. There are more sessions that need to be had to get to the real issue here that my wife is not releasing. I have always said and still do and am trying my hardest to correct my faults, I told her I am not the perfect person but I want to correct my issues because of the love I have for you. What response do i get in return - I love you but I don't love you in a intimate way.

 

As for the gf she still hangs out all the time with her. Last wednesday I took the day off to get a few things done and she said she was going shopping I said great may I join you and we can get some Christmas shopping done for the kids! Her response was she already had plans to go shopping with the gf. But she would see what she could do. Well the next morning came I ran my early morning errands and I found out that she went shopping with the gf and blew me off. Then to make matters worse i left for a biz trip and called in at night ot find out the gf was over the house setting up the xmas tree and having a grand ole time with my kids and her. I felt like I just lost my kids and her and the whole joy of being a family.

 

I wake up in the morning and find myself crying like its over and there is no way back. I know i need to hold myself together but i find myself scared to keep going through the next door.

 

I never wanted this for our children and i feel I am letting them down.

 

I'll keep listening and look forward to everyone's responses...

 

Thank You, Steve

 

 

Time to contact a Lawyer, find out what YOUR rights are, if she doesn't want to fix the marriage, then do what you can to get sole custody of the children, protect your assets. She WON'T stop this behavior, time to call her on it by Divorcing, This is NOT your fault!

[Sup]

I know everytime i mention the gf and how she spends too much time with her she threatens me with divorce and goes into the I dont love you tactics.

 

At the session with the therapist we talked about our sex life and how I wasnt pleasing her the right way. I mentioned that I had already done some research on ideas to improve our sex life but she says she is not interested. Again the therapist was telling her that her husband is going thru alot to improve your relationship. She just closed up.

 

I guess it is a lost cause but i will keep on fighting for her.

 

Steve

 

 

Time to THREATEN her with Divorce, and stand to it!

[Sup]

Perhaps it's time for the OP to do a little sleuthing on emails and whatnot - perhaps there are some tender words of love being exchanged between the ladies...

 

In any case, Steavarino, I would suggest that you NOT move out of the house, ever. She wants to end the marriage, she needs to leave and get her own apartment.

 

I'd also suggest that you talk to a divorce lawyer NOW. Find out what you need to do to protect your assets, and what you need to do to make sure you get joint custody of the kids if you were to divorce.

 

You should probably be keeping some kind of record of your wife's activities, in the event it turns out she is cheating on you. That might make a difference in your divorce, so bring that up with your lawyer as well.

 

 

I agree with above poster, on the exception that you go for SOLE custody! If I were you, I would hire a PI to catch them "interacting" if you know what I mean! Check with your lawyer about this situation, it may be that you could use this against her, unstable environment. DON'T EVER leave the house, I agree with, she needs to leave.

[bit11]

Steve I know how you feel>

 

Well today has been the culmination of the 3 most confusing weeks of my life. It started out 3 weeks ago with my wife of almost 6 months telling me that she doesn't love me the way a wife should love a husband. It has been a strange 3 weeks. In these 3 weeks I have learned more about relationships and how to treat situations then I did in the previous 34 years of my life.

 

My wife has been very direct and precise with what she says that her feelings are. "I am not in love with you". But, her actions have been the confusing part. In these 3 weeks we have slept in the same bed, held each other, went to dinner and night clubs two or three times a weeks(and had a great time where there was holding hands and affection involved). She has asked if I thought separating was a waste of money. I have had her come home with a bottle of wine and say "we need to start bringing this in the house" although she was set to move out. She has asked what I want for Christmas, made sure that I was going to her sisters for xmas. She has said that she doesn't think our separation will end in divorce. We have been intimate with each other. She has made up excuses for calling me, One time she called to tell me that she arrived at a friends safely. Ok I said. She admitted missing me when I went away for a day. When I tried sleeping on the couch she would wake me to come up to bed.

 

All this and the women has just moved all her stuff out. She seems confused in alot of ways but she has certainly not minced words being almost brutally honest with the way she feels.

 

Any comments or advice would be great. I just got home and my wifes stuff is gone. Even better I had to pay for her apartment because she brought no money into the marriage, and she has $10,000 in credit card debt so her being able to afford $1000. in rent anytime soon will not happen. My wife is 27 I am 35, she is still a big partier and I kind of am ready to give it up and start a family. What gives?

[Gunny376]

This is a mirror image of where I was at sixteen years ago.

 

33 years old, carrer Marine, wife, a son (6) and a daughter (10), and the wife done and went lost her Gottomighty mind! It was aggravated all the more by the fact that I let her talk me into buying her some "store bought boobs, (which I was actaully agaisnt, 1. Because I don't believe in un-necessary surgery ~ especially cosmetic surgery, and 2. Because I didn't marry her because of her boobs!) This was further aggreavated by the fact that I pulled a three year accompained tour to Okinawa, Japan.

 

Allow me to paint the picture. Okinawa is home to about 60,000 Marines, soliders, sailors and airmen. Most of them between the ages of 18 and 38, and in their physical prime. Camp Hanson has 5,500 male Marines and sailors, and 256 very happy American women. For an American woman, its literally raining men. Of course after she got there, she thought that the boob job was all she had been lacking and wanting ~ when in truth all the guys that were hitting on her were just looking for a little action.

 

Not to bore you with the details. ~ pretty much the tale of woe that you've both have posted here.

 

Did the seperation thing, did the divorce thing, did the wimpy behavior thing, the begging, the pleading, the "tear in my beer" thing, the whole George Jones thing.

 

Flash forward sixteen years. I've never re-married. I shacked up with a little gal up in North Click (Carolina) for six and half years. I've done myself a lot of thinking, a lot of reading, and a lot of learning about this thing called women, love, marriage, relationships etc. The one single thing I can say for sure and certain is that you can "study" on it for a lifetime and never figure it out. Freud, the "father" of modern psycarity who devfoted his enitire adult life to studying and understand human beings, was quoted as saying "There's no understanding women!" Good enough for me.

 

The "meat and potatoes" of my post here is this: I've been where the two of you have been. It wasn't pretty, and it damn sure wasn't fun. When I was going through it I was told that I treated my XW to good, and too nice? WTF, OVER?

 

There were a lot of things that I just wasn't cognizant and aware of sixteen years ago. There was a lot of things that I just didn't have a clue about being married, and about being in a relationship with a woman.

 

I've spent sixteen years stubbling and fumbling to get through the goal post of life. To just score one touch down.

 

If I was either of you, in the situation that you're in ~ I'd kick her the freaking curb quick, fast and in a freaking hurry like. Life is too dam short! What one will abuse, ~ another can certainly use. I would give them all of about sixty seconds to make up their minds. There's no shortage of good women, (nor good men). Women are still playing men as if we're still back in high school or college. They've got the supply, we've got the demand. Bull Hockey. The older you get, the more women there are looking for a good man.

[bit11]

thanks for the comment gunner, steve didn't mean to jump into your thread just wanted you to know that your not the only one. my wife and i talked about whether to wear our rings or not, i had to drop something off last night and she had her ring on her right hand, this pissed me off because i specifically had the conversation so know one would get upset. she said her mother told her that is what you do.

[Woggle]

Let me give you some advice guys. Sometimes the best thing you can do is tell a woman that you are moving on with your life and if she wants to save the marriage she has to make the next move because you are no longer jumping through hoops for a dead relationship. She might start respecting you and want to get back with you and respect is the most improtant thing when having a relationship with a woman. If she does not it will give you the self esteem and confidence to go it alone. There are many things you can do to make yourself happy without a woman in your life. A divorce is not the end of the world.

[bit11]

there is no question that indifference is the key. i can't give my wife anything to make her feel good. if i call her and give her what she wants she will just go on having a good day because i fed her ego. i have to disappear, she still has some things at the house i don't want to be home when she picks them up. she will miss the pet(we have no kids) so she will probably use that as an excuse to stop by, i don't want that. i need to be strong and use sources like this enforce these thoughts in my head. my ultimate goal is to get my wife back and this is the quickest and best way.

[Woggle]

The best way to do that is project an image of being perfectly happy without her around. Hang out with the guys, go to the movies and have fun without her around. If she sees that you will twist yourself into a pretazel for her she won't respect you but if she sees you living your life with or without her she will respect you. A woman's attraction depends mostly on how much she respects you and a man that is independent and can live his life no matter what is respectable. Even if she does not respond to this it can help give you some self confidence.

[Sup]

This is a mirror image of where I was at sixteen years ago.

 

33 years old, carrer Marine, wife, a son (6) and a daughter (10), and the wife done and went lost her Gottomighty mind! It was aggravated all the more by the fact that I let her talk me into buying her some "store bought boobs, (which I was actaully agaisnt, 1. Because I don't believe in un-necessary surgery ~ especially cosmetic surgery, and 2. Because I didn't marry her because of her boobs!) This was further aggreavated by the fact that I pulled a three year accompained tour to Okinawa, Japan.

 

Allow me to paint the picture. Okinawa is home to about 60,000 Marines, soliders, sailors and airmen. Most of them between the ages of 18 and 38, and in their physical prime. Camp Hanson has 5,500 male Marines and sailors, and 256 very happy American women. For an American woman, its literally raining men. Of course after she got there, she thought that the boob job was all she had been lacking and wanting ~ when in truth all the guys that were hitting on her were just looking for a little action.

 

Not to bore you with the details. ~ pretty much the tale of woe that you've both have posted here.

 

Did the seperation thing, did the divorce thing, did the wimpy behavior thing, the begging, the pleading, the "tear in my beer" thing, the whole George Jones thing.

 

Flash forward sixteen years. I've never re-married. I shacked up with a little gal up in North Click (Carolina) for six and half years. I've done myself a lot of thinking, a lot of reading, and a lot of learning about this thing called women, love, marriage, relationships etc. The one single thing I can say for sure and certain is that you can "study" on it for a lifetime and never figure it out. Freud, the "father" of modern psycarity who devfoted his enitire adult life to studying and understand human beings, was quoted as saying "There's no understanding women!" Good enough for me.

 

The "meat and potatoes" of my post here is this: I've been where the two of you have been. It wasn't pretty, and it damn sure wasn't fun. When I was going through it I was told that I treated my XW to good, and too nice? WTF, OVER?

 

There were a lot of things that I just wasn't cognizant and aware of sixteen years ago. There was a lot of things that I just didn't have a clue about being married, and about being in a relationship with a woman.

 

I've spent sixteen years stubbling and fumbling to get through the goal post of life. To just score one touch down.

 

If I was either of you, in the situation that you're in ~ I'd kick her the freaking curb quick, fast and in a freaking hurry like. Life is too dam short! What one will abuse, ~ another can certainly use. I would give them all of about sixty seconds to make up their minds. There's no shortage of good women, (nor good men). Women are still playing men as if we're still back in high school or college. They've got the supply, we've got the demand. Bull Hockey. The older you get, the more women there are looking for a good man.

 

 

That LAST sentance you said, OMG, It's soooooo true! There are more women looooking at me right now, it's Scary!

[Gunny376]

That LAST sentance you said, OMG, It's soooooo true! There are more women looooking at me right now, it's Scary!

 

By the time you factor out the guys that over the sum of the years:

 

1. Got crippled, killed in motorcycle accidents, skydiving, construction accidents, in the military, gang activity, driving too fast, drunk driving, etc.

 

2. The one's that decided they we gay or bi-sexual

 

3. The one's that are already married ~ whose wives you're going to have to fight to get away from them.

 

4. The one's that have been married and divorce two or three times and are too bitter and scared to committ.

 

5. The one's that are in pirson, on drugs, that are wife beaters, child molesters, or into some other kinky sex scene

 

6. The one's that have other mental illness.

 

7. The drunks, alcholics, and druggies

 

8. The "slackers" that are perpetually un-employeed, and under-employeed.

 

9. The one's that just got out of prison.

 

10. The "fantical" ones.

 

11. The cheaters

 

And then you factor the guy that not only avoided all of the above "life-traps" who has laid a foundation for himself, has a job, is moving ahead and forward with his life, who has his ass and head wired together, and his act together ~ makes for a very appealing potential mate.

 

You can say what you want, ~ but IMHO the single number one and two attraction factors that men have to offer women is stability and security.

 

I told DS (23) when he graduated out of HS, that what he needed to do was to continue living at home, find a job in a field that has future potental. build a rock-solid reputation for knowledge, experience, dependability, relaiability. Save his money ~ forget about the women, about getting married. Forget about starting a family. Do this until your past thirty. Buy himself some land, build him a house with a lot of money down on it, and up-front equity. Buy all of his "boy-toys" (four wheelers, bass boat, ski boat etc, plasma TV etc.) Furnish it like he wants, and then go out and look for him a good woman. I told him if he did all of that and had all of that ~ he'd have no problem finding him a wife. While all of his buddies would be coming out of their first and second marriages.

[Stevearino]

Well, I went to church yesterday and actually felt good about myself. I have also joined a gym about 3 months ago and use that to help keep my mind off the situation. It's great when i keep myself occupied.

 

But it tears me up when I run accross a situation like this: after breakfast yesterday I mentioned to my wife and kids that I wanted to set up the christmas lights on the outside of the house the kids were ecstatic. I asked my wife to help so we can spend time as a family (since I just got back from a 2 day biz trip). She sort of just gave me an OK type of answer. she already had plans to over and spend the day at the gf's house so this was like a road block to her and she gave me attitude throughout the whole ordeal. As soon as we completed the project, I complimented her on her work and how nice it was doing it as a family. she said yes it was.

 

As soon as she could she grabbed the kids and left for the gf's house and spent the rest of the day over there. Leaving me home on a Sunday afternoon alone without my kids.

 

Next weekend I am sure she will pull the same stunt taking the kids over there, I will be stepping in and saying leave the kids here and you go alone. What' everyone's thoughts? I hate to use the kids like that but in a way she is already using the kids as an excuse to get out of the house. My kids are very good friends with the GF's daughter.

 

We have another session with the therapist on Wednesday...

 

Steve

[Ladyjane14]

Next weekend I am sure she will pull the same stunt taking the kids over there, I will be stepping in and saying leave the kids here and you go alone. What' everyone's thoughts? I hate to use the kids like that but in a way she is already using the kids as an excuse to get out of the house. My kids are very good friends with the GF's daughter.

 

What's stopping you from planning activities for next weekend right now?

 

If I were you... I'd have some exciting plans for family fun and declare them BEFORE your wife has the opportunity to be a nay-sayer.

 

 

 

p.s. I still think it's a mistake to take a confrontational tack on the issue of the girlfriend. It's a land mine.