Jealous of friends getting engaged/married/starting families

[Guest]

I'm really jealous of some of my friends. Many of them are engaged/married/starting families, and I want to be, too! My BF and I have been together for a really long time, longer than my friends' relationships, which makes it harder. We are planning on getting married, but the timing won't be right for another year or so. This post is about my jealously of my friends, so just take the info about my relationship as fact and don't get into it. We are fine, my jealous feelings are not!

 

I realize it is stupid to think I "deserve" this any more than anyone else. I know marriage isn't something that is "deserved," it just happens! I really hate that I feel this way. I feel like a jerk.

 

My boyfriend tells me "don't worry, we'll catch up." And I know he is right and our time will come. But I'm still feeling very jealous! Does anyone have any ideas on how I can tame these feelings?

[WhiteKnight]

Well I'm on the receiving end at the moment. My partner and I have been talking about how we are feeling about this overwhelming news of our friends getting married, really commited to one another and starting new families.

 

My girlfriend keeps asking me, let's get married soon and I keep saying 'patience' because I know that rushing into things is not the way to do it.

 

I know that everyone has this sudden urge to go with another step and try to keep up with everyone, its not a competition or race to see who raises the family first and which one is better than the other.

 

The best advice I can give you is that be only content with what you have right now, ride on this one because you may see your friends having problems and you might sit there and say to yourself... "Maybe my boyfriend was right after all to wait for the right moment after all."

 

You know, the only way I do to get away from being jealous is in fact try to be more content with having fun and try to ignore or forget the issue of they are getting all married and so forth as such. Try to distract yourself and try to contact them less to make it easier enough for you to settle down. I'm sure your life will turn around in the end.

[Trialbyfire]

With the progression in life, come a million responsibilities. Enjoy the now while you still have the freedom to do so.

[freckles73]

Don't be jealous. You're very lucky. Things could be so much worse. You could be like me. My world shattered when my husband of nearly nine years cheated on me. The divorce ruined me financially. And now I'm in my thirties, have had several long-term relationships that failed since my divorce. I also battled cancer during this time. My family is non-existent. I'm all alone. Wishing I had a husband, children, family, financial security and good health - all the things I've prayed for and been denied. You have a future with the man who loves you now. Be happy and 100% content with that!

[Alwaysunsure]

Dear Guest,

I have a friend who is currently going through the same issue. And to make things worse, who younger sister just got engaged over Thanksgiving weekend. While I understand how you want the same thing, what is the rush?

If you're both happy in the relationship, what difference does a ring make?

This friend of mine, although she has never said it, it is very clear that she is jealous. It's almost kind of scary! Jealousy is a natural thing for people, but try to keep it out of your relationship so you can enjoy what you have with your significant other at the moment.

Your initials aren't H.S. are they? Just kidding

[Guest]

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

 

It isn't a competition or a race. If it was, I already lost, so I don't care much if I missed it by a minute or by a mile.

 

Well, the questions "What's the rush?" and "Why wait?" can be answered in so many ways.

 

What's the rush? I'm getting older and want to have kids soon. I'm old fashioned and want to get married before moving in together or having kids. It's a long distance relationship and neither one of us will move closer to the other until marriage. I'm sick of driving 3 hours every other weekend to see him.

 

Why wait? Our jobs and finances could use attention for another year before we move ahead.

 

I must say that after 6 years of dating, getting engaged/married tomorrow would definitely not constitute a rush.

 

I am very happy for what I have but cannot help feeling that I want more.

 

I guess the bottom line everyone here has offered is:

In order to not feel jealous, stop thinking about it. I agree wholeheartedly, but it is much easier said than done!

[Xhie]

I dont understand what "the timeing being right" means. Can someone explain that to me? If you want to get married get married.

 

If you agree to get married then why wait any longer? Whats the point? You can work on School, debt, whatever together.

 

I dunno... it just... really dosent make sence.

[jerbear]

I dont understand what "the timeing being right" means. Can someone explain that to me? If you want to get married get married.

 

If you agree to get married then why wait any longer? Whats the point? You can work on School, debt, whatever together.

 

I dunno... it just... really dosent make sence.

 

In a nut shell:

 

Points of views change while going thru school. Careers get started after graduation.

 

Debts can hinder life. Can't go out, can't pay for X while needing Y. One saves while the other spends can cause resentment. Both spenders can actually spend each other out of a house and car.

 

Timing could be saving money for the right sized ring, first promotion, or whatever...

[norajane]

I dont understand what "the timeing being right" means. Can someone explain that to me? If you want to get married get married.

 

If you agree to get married then why wait any longer? Whats the point? You can work on School, debt, whatever together.

 

I dunno... it just... really dosent make sence.

 

Some people choose to have their lives under control before taking on the responsibilities of a family. That can mean many things, but usually it means they choose to finish school, get jobs, pay off a good chunk of their student loans, stabilize their careers and make a start on savings for emergencies and future house payments.

 

So, they believe that getting married and starting a family before they finish school, or before they are capable of taking care of a wife and children on only one salary, or if they are deep in debt for school loans or car payments doesn't make sense.

[Xhie]

But you are still together for all those years you are trying to stableize your carriers or pay off that debt.

 

So whats the difference?

 

After years and years together, married or not, your finances become pretty closely tied.

 

How are you suddenly "supporting" a wife? It becomes combined income. I mean if one person goes to school in DC and the other one in LA thats one thing. But your still both going to have the same carriers. If you only live a few hours apart then whats the problem? Move, commute an hour and be happy with your spouse.

 

I still don't really understand this line of thinking.

[Alwaysunsure]

I think mostly, this is all personal preference. It depends on the couple really. Also, I hate to say it, but financially it's never a good time to get married. So, I have to agree with Xhie. What does timing really have to do with it? You can work on it together, if it is really what you want.

My friend and her boyfriend of 3 years have been goign over this issue alot lately. She is really ready to get married, and he is not. He keeps saying he is not financially ready, and also still doesn't know what he wants to do career wise. He keeps telling her he doesn't want to "drag her into this".

To me, that says, "I want to date you, but I am never going to marry you"

So, watch for those signs, so you can get out if need be.

The point is, be careful not to get dragged along with someone who may not be marriage minded.

[norajane]

But you are still together for all those years you are trying to stableize your carriers or pay off that debt.

 

So whats the difference?

 

After years and years together, married or not, your finances become pretty closely tied.

 

How are you suddenly "supporting" a wife? It becomes combined income. I mean if one person goes to school in DC and the other one in LA thats one thing. But your still both going to have the same carriers. If you only live a few hours apart then whats the problem? Move, commute an hour and be happy with your spouse.

 

I still don't really understand this line of thinking.

 

I think it's because babies have a way of showing up after marriage - obviously not in every case - but most people do associate getting married with having children.

 

Once there's a baby in the picture, then the man does feel more pressure to have a stable career, and "support" his wife and child. Some women do work after having a child, but then they need to pay for child care or nanny, so a lot of women don't go back to work.

 

Even if she continues to work, adding a baby to their lives is expensive, so having cleared their debts beforehand would make sense.

 

More than the financial, though, I think it's a psychological issue. Being ready for marriage makes people think about whether they're ready for a family, including children. And lots of people aren't ready to take the plunge into serious adulthood, with all its responsibilities and commitments.

[Guest]

I think mostly, this is all personal preference. It depends on the couple really. Also, I hate to say it, but financially it's never a good time to get married. So, I have to agree with Xhie. What does timing really have to do with it? You can work on it together, if it is really what you want.

 

OP (guest) here.

 

I agree with Alwaysunsure that timing is really personal preference and depends on the couple.

 

Financially, it's been a good time to get married for a while now. In fact, it's so good that our taxes would be less if we were married and filed together. We are both big savers and each have no debt along with pretty fat liquid investments for the wedding, honeymoon, and even the house down payment. We are even able to take significant time (2+ months) off work (really it will be between jobs) right after we marry to spend tons of time together & travel before going back to the daily grind.

 

Also, we have mutually decided that we will not really intertwine finances until marriage. Not to say that I don't borrow the occasional $20 from him (because I don't carry around much cash), or I buy a wedding gift for a couple we know and he pays his share to me later. That kind of stuff happens all the time. But I mean outside of informal short loans as described above. Our credit cards, checking accounts, etc, are all separate until we marry.

 

But, Xhie, timing might be related to personal things that cannot be worked on together. For my bf and I, it is our jobs.

 

For us, it is not a good time to get married because we both have obligations to our current jobs thru a certain time. Copping out early would really negatively effect our careers in the future. It is impractical that we should move to a midpoint and each have a 3+ hour roundtrip commute. I would say that our personal career obligations cannot be worked on together. We are both unwilling to get married and be lining in different states.

 

Nothing is stopping us from getting married tomorrow except for the fact that it is impractical for us to live in the same town at this point, and we are not willing to start our married lives living in two different states. Yes, some couples deal with this, like married couples with military obligations. We are not willing to live like that. So, from a personal standpoint, the timing is not right for us.

 

Okay, this has gotten waaay off topic! This is the kind of discussion I would expect if I had posted in the "getting married" forum.

 

So, back to my problem... Anyone else have any bright ideas on how to get this jealous under control?

[Guest]

I think it's because babies have a way of showing up after marriage - obviously not in every case - but most people do associate getting married with having children.

 

Bingo, Norajane! We want to have children almost immediately after getting married. We are not going to do this with 3-4 hour commutes, and we are not going to do this in different states! If we can help it, we'd like to be together with reasonable schedules for our first child.

 

Xhie- A few hours away is in regular traffic. If we move to a midpoint, we are talking, at the shortest, a 3+ hour roundtrip commute. With rush hour, it could easily turn into 4+ hours a day. We'd each be driving through 2-3 metropolitan areas twice a day. One of which is notorious for having some of the country's worst traffic. We are not willing to deal with that. Consider us practically in LA and DC.

 

Okay people! I don't want to be feeding into this, but I feel I need to defend my situation. Back to the jealousy issue! How to deal?

[norajane]

Dealing with the jealousy...

 

First, it's not jealousy...that's when you fear losing something. I think you are envious, where you wish you had something they have.

 

Obviously, knowing the rational, practical reasons for waiting isn't helping you deal with the envy. Maybe you could get a little closer to feeling that you have what they have by getting engaged? No reason not to do that since you have already agreed to get married and have identified your timeline and plans.

 

Get engaged, set a date even if it's further into the future, and then just relax knowing it's just a matter of time.

[Guest]

Dealing with the jealousy...

 

First, it's not jealousy...that's when you fear losing something. I think you are envious, where you wish you had something they have.

 

Obviously, knowing the rational, practical reasons for waiting isn't helping you deal with the envy. Maybe you could get a little closer to feeling that you have what they have by getting engaged? No reason not to do that since you have already agreed to get married and have identified your timeline and plans.

 

Get engaged, set a date even if it's further into the future, and then just relax knowing it's just a matter of time.

 

Thanks, norajane. Webster might rival your definition, but either way, envy doesn't sound as bad to me as jealousy.

 

You are right that getting engaged would make me feel better, but he wants a short-ish (6 months) engagement. See, the problem is we/he/I want things a very specific way, and it causes us/him/me to get frustrated with the situation. Like, we could have what we want, but then we'd be annoyed that it wasn't happening the way we wanted it to go. I guess we need to tell ourselves that our way will work out eventually, and when it does we'll like our way better than everyone else's way.

 

*sigh* I should be able to relax now, knowing it is just a matter of time. Time goes so fast these days, it shouldn't even be a problem... Maybe I'll just keep telling myself that. "relax, it's just a matter of time."

[norajane]

Well, if his 6-month engagement is causing you significant frustration, can he provide you with a reasonable explanation for why it must only be a 6 month engagement? It's fine if you both want things the way you want them, but if you're a real team and are building a future together, you do have to take each other's feelings into consideration, too!

 

Why be annoyed because you have to modify the plan a bit? That sounds like cutting off your nose to spite your face. What's the big deal if you have a longer engagement? Why not be a little more flexible with each other about your plans?

 

That certainly sounds like something he ought to be able to compromise on - maybe agree to increasing it to a 9 month engagement instead of the year you might prefer, or something like that.