Please help me

[ThatHurtKid]

Where to start, well ive been with my girlfriend now for 11 months, i love her very much and things were going great for a while. To really understand this relationship u need see it in action. My girlfriend is the smuther type..... She needs to know where im at and what im doing 24/7. Though i really didnt mind being smuthered over for a while it did start to annoy me. Keep in mind im 19 and shes 17. I told her very calmly that she needs to give me my space. I need to have time to have hang out with my friends and do guy ****. I cant do that if u have me choked. Not to say that everything is her fault, ive been a bit of an a**h*** for a while. Basically a reflection of the smuthering. Well last night she calls me and says... I need some time off... I have no clue what the hell that means. What it means is we dont call or talk to each other for a while. Now at this point i feel like this girl i love isnt the same. She changed with the snap of a finger. All the sudden she wants to be apart for a while (a week) to find herself and think. All the sudden she isnt sure if she wants a serious relationship, and shes scared. By now im devestated and confused, thinking 1 minute i got this girl and actually i have nothing. My whole world is crashing down around me.. Im thinking crazy **** like there might be someone else (but how can that be if we are always together). Please help me...

[Tony T]

First of all, most sane women will break up with axsholes so if you've been one lately there is your answer.

 

It sounds like you didn't spend enough time talking to her and explaining yourself. She may be used to dating guys who make her the central figure in her life. There is a way of still seeing your friends but making a woman feel very special. You haven't discovered that yet...don't worry about it. But you seem to have done a poor job of explaining yourself to her. This is a learning experience for you and hopefully you'll do better next time.

 

Maybe you can find a girl who will want to be more involved with your friends and more interested in "guy" things.

 

If she can't accept you as you are, she needs to get out of your life and you need to get out of hers. If she isn't going to give you the space you require and you are going to be a bit of a butthole around her there is a major compatibility problem that may not be overcome. Just let it be.

 

The reason for courting is to learn about each other and ascertain if a relationship can go the distance. Of course, there are intense emotions involved and terminating a relationship is very painful that way. But two people cannot remain together on emotions alone. It takes way more than love to sustain a healthy relationship over a very long period of time.

 

Frankly, I'm surprised the two of you lasted 11 months.

 

Now you're probably wanting to go talk to her and tell her you'll stop spending so much time with your friends and dedicate more time to her and you'll make various change she demands if she'll just reconsider. But do you really want to do that? Do you want to become somebody you're not for the sake of putting off the inevitable? I don't think so.

 

Consider your relationship to have been very successful and remember the good parts of it. But understand the experience worked well enough that both of you found out you have different expectations in a relationship.

 

Celebrate its success and move forward. Don't change for anybody because those changes don't last.

 

There is no doubt in my mind that you'll find a lady who will give you the space you need. There are many independent women who would love to find a guy like you who won't be their shadow 24/7...and frankly that's the best and most healthy kind of relationship to have.

 

As for her change right now, she hasn't changed at all. She's fed up with being neglected, as she sees it, and has probably talked to a lot of people who said if she backs off for some time you will go bonkers...and they were right. But this is pretty low class stuff. If she has to back off to get your attention, that's no relationship.

 

I know you may be devastated right now but you have to understand that when you're with somebody who tells you what their needs are and you ignore them, you ignore them because their needs are just incompatible with your lifestyle. She needs a guy to be around a lot more than you're willing.

 

There is no good reason to beg this lady back only to find yourself unhappy with being forced into doing things you don't want to just to keep her around. That's not a relationship, that's prison.

 

You'll be just fine.

[Thathurtkid]

Alot of what your saying is true man but theres also alot thats not. First of all, you dont go from loving someone one minute to not loving them the next. It just doesnt work like that. This is all one big game. She did a complete 180 on me and its retarded. I feel like this isnt the last of it. I think she found herself at the typical highschool crossroads. She woke up one mourning and began asking herself all of these questions. Is he right for me? Is this what i want? Blahblahblah. 3 weeks down the line i know she will be back. Shes already still calling me with stupid fabricated ploys to get me on the phone, because she wants to keep me on the string. Basically so she can pull back when shes done doing this exploring. All the sudden she wants to hang out with these magical friends that just appeared overnight, BULLSH*T. Her friends have taught her how to play the game, but im not gonna be played. And yes i have explained to her about this space issue. The whole reason for my a**h*** ways was cause of what she created. I know she will be back and when she does what will i do.. Thats the question.

[ThathurtKid]

Originally posted by Tony

 

As for her change right now, she hasn't changed at all. She's fed up with being neglected, as she sees it, and has probably talked to a lot of people who said if she backs off for some time you will go bonkers...and they were right. But this is pretty low class stuff. If she has to back off to get your attention, that's no relationship.

 

 

You are absolutely right i have gone bonkers. Shes giving me the space i was asking just not how i wanted it. Shes leaving me these voicemails that she wants to be friends and that shes sad but doesnt show it and she didnt want this to happen. Thats not typical day after breakup dialouge. This is why im so frustrated. She broke up with me, but i know its not the last of it. Shes going to come back somewhere down the line and go off on the fact that space is what was good for us, lets try this again. Remember what she said to me FIRST, "we should take a week off" to her this isnt really a break up, its just time apart. But yet shes willing to risk breaking up for good to get her point across.

[clia]

Women don't generally break up on a whim. She has been thinking about this for awhile, trust me. Although she has likely been giving you signs that this was coming for awhile, you might have either not noticed or ignored them, so thus you felt blindsided. Usually when a woman gets to this point, there is no going back. She's contacting you now because you've been together for 11 months and it's hard to make the break. It's not necessarily because she feels you are the guy for her, more because of the "comfort zone" that she is used to with you. You are likely going through the same thing. Breaking up is strange in that you basically overnight lose someone who was a huge part of your life.

 

Only you know what you should do when and if she comes back, which will likely be out of fear of the unknown and fear of moving on. Do you really think this is the girl for you? It sounds like you are the kind of guy who needs some space, and she wants to be with you all the time. Part of this is her age. As she gets older, she may acquire more of her own interests and her own life. But you may just simply not be right for each other. Don't get back with her out of fear of losing her. Make sure that this is really what you want for your life.