Is flirting cheating?

[masala]

I want to say up front I have trust issues, and I have snooped on my boyfriend in the past when I've thought something fishy was going on. I come clean with him about it, but usually that's because I actually find something that I have problems with.

 

My boyfriend is a flirt. We've been officially dating five months, exclusive for four, and I know that in the first month of dating, before we were exclusive, he made out with a girl while I was present, but lying in bed because I wasn't feeling well. He lied and said he didn't, but recently, after I read his logs of aim conversations with her, I found out he did. He says he only lied because a) we weren't exclusive, b) he wasn't seriously interested in her, and c) he didn't want to make me any more upset than I already was that she was even there.

 

Anyhow, when I was going through his aim logs, I found a number of things that also bothered me. One was he said that if he ever found out how good she was in bed, he would let her know, although he did say that knowing her, it would be a very long time. Another was that he told her that after he left the city we currently live in (he will probably have to relocate in January for his job) that he would be single again -- something that we hadn't even clarified between ourselves. Moreover, they reminisced about the time they made out -- she said she "just started craving pizza" and laughed about how she had been concerned that night about her garlic breath after eating homemade pizza, which I'd actually mentioned before to my boyfriend, because that night, when I'd been sleeping in his bed, she came into the room and started washing out her mouth.

 

When I confronted him about it, he explained that he lied to me because he didn't want to hurt me, and he said that all the rest was just joking. She lives three and a half hours away, he doesn't ever plan on moving to the city she lives in, and "she has morals" and would never sleep with a guy with a girlfriend. He pointed out that he's never physically cheated on anyone he's dated, and never has with me. Moreover, he said that he thought we'd come to understanding already about breaking up after he might move away. He was just telling her that, because she'd asked about me and was talking about his job.

 

He was kind of upset that I was looking through his stuff (again, b/c this isn't the first time), but I told him that I wouldn't look through his stuff if he didn't continually flirt like this with other girls. I told him he was welcome to look through anything of mine -- instant messenger logs, myspace and facebook messages, e-mail, text messages and so on, because he would find absolutely NOTHING of the sort from me, not even jests with old friends that he knows I would never do anything with. It really upset me, first of all that he lied to me all those months ago about kissing her when I was pretty certain at the time that he had, and then again about him making overtures, which even in jest I felt were pretty shady. This wasn't the entire content of their conversation, either. They both talked about school and jobs and other mutual friends, and it has been a while since they've talked. And he's felt horrible since, and has been trying so hard since last night to make me feel better. He hasn't said anything about my going through his aim logs since last night, when I first confronted him about it, I think because he understands that I don't feel that sort of behavior is appropriate and it makes me extremely uncomfortable..

 

I can't help but feel uncomfortable when my boyfriend is talking about telling her he that he thinks she's attractive, joking about finding out how good she is in bed, and then telling her that he will be single again when he moves. Is this cheating, or am I just overreacting?

[PandorasBox]

And you're with him why?

 

I don't see this relationship being very healthy. He flirts and IMO has probably done more or has intentions of doing so, and theres no trust. Theres no real relationship here.

[masala]

I seriously don't think he's physically cheated on me. Trust me, I would have already found out if he did.

 

But I do think that he's already getting ready to be single again, in which case, yes this is very unhealthy and no, we're no longer in a relationship.

 

Also, I want to clarify, I don't trust him because of anything he's specifically done. My last three relationships all ended after I found out that the other person was cheating on me. I have been this kind of person for a while now.

[Trialbyfire]

What he's indulged in is called emotional cheating or having an emotional relationship. Keep in mind that you've only been exclusive with him for 4 months and he's already doing this to you.

[the_alchemyst]

I've come to believe that "cheating" is relative in convenience. Some people think cheating takes place only when a SO has sexual relations with another, while some others think kissing and flirting are forms of cheating, as well.

 

And there is a whole lot in between, from what I've read.

 

IMO, he cheated "physically" when he made out with another girl.

 

What he is doing right now doesn't seem like cheating to me, but it is very and higly disrespectful, which I think is just as bad.

 

He flirts with this girl and is already talking like you are not in the picture anymore--this just shows disrespect. If he truly cared about you, he wouldn't be flirting in such a shameless way, and would be talking to you about the future of the relationship, not her.

 

It just really sounds like he has no respect for you or your feelings, and if there is no respect, there can be no (healthy) relationship.

 

BTW: I like how you write.

[masala]

Alchemyst, thanks. That's how I feel about it. I feel like it was incredible insensitive and disrespectful, and this is the thing I take the biggest issue with. The fact that he was telling her that I was going to be gone in a month, something I myself wasn't even aware of, makes me wonder why he's even in a relationship with me now.

 

The truth is, I don't know why he's in a relationship with me at this point. It's certainly not the sex, because I'm so run down all the time lately (I'm in grad school) that we have it, at most, once a week and even then, it's usually a quickie. I do genuinely believe he cares about me a lot and doesn't want to lose me entirely from his life. We've been friends for a very long time. At the same time, I don't think he sees this as going anywhere, and I sometimes think he is just with me because moving away provides an excuse where the end of the relationship is not his fault. I think he's afraid I'll be angry with him -- which I will, but then again, I'd also be angry if he just stayed in the relationship because it was convenient, and if he continues to behave like this.

 

I guess what I really meant to ask in this topic was: Do you think it would be worth it to give him a second chance?

 

Also, thanks for the comment on my writing. Like I said, I'm a grad student, and I feel like I formulate everything I write these days like one of my papers.

[norajane]

Actually, the question is why are YOU with him now?

 

I don't see the point of staying in this relationship since he's going to relocate in a month or two and plans to be single when he does. I also don't see the point of staying in this relationship since you know he's got other irons in the fire.

 

It's just a matter of time before you either break up or he starts seeing someone else. Why don't you end this before that happens?

 

What are you getting out of this relationship?

[the_alchemyst]

At the same time, I don't think he sees this as going anywhere, and I sometimes think he is just with me because moving away provides an excuse where the end of the relationship is not his fault.

 

Yes, that's exactly what I was going to say. And, if this is so, then nj is right in that there is no point to this relationship. If he really is just waiting to leave to break it off, then all he is doing is trying to spare himself from any confrontations and accusations; he's not thinking about you at all.

 

I guess what I really meant to ask in this topic was: Do you think it would be worth it to give him a second chance?

 

No.

 

And what second chance, anyway? He seems like he's ready to take off already.

 

I just don't see what good this does to you. He seems to respect you very little already, and nothing good will come out of a relationship where there is no respect to one another. The only way this could work is by him changing his attitude and perception towards you, but it doesn't seem like that's on his mind at all.

 

In fact, it doesn't seem like he thinks he's even doing anything wrong, while you do.

 

That's a big discordance right there.