SO has issues, I have reservations about moving in with him

[WhisperingWillow]

Ok so here is my situation. I'm currently seeing my boyfriend for about a year and six months. Recently he has asked me to move in. I'm coming out of a divorce and I have moved on. I have two children from my EH. My daughter is 6, my son is 11. I am reluctant to move in with him on several reasons.

 

1. Is that he has a bad temper. Not to the point of abuse or anything and he doesn't name call and never yells, but he has a temper and I get very hurt and upset when he gets angry. Case in point. I was depressed awhile back and wanted some alone time and when he wanted to come over to my apartment where I room with my best friend I said no. I just wanted to be left alone, whilst on the phone he said "well ****ing excuse me for wanting to see you" and then proceeded to hang up on me promptly. Which resulted in a huge fight because I wanted some alone time. I had to drive forty five minutes to his house to settle the ordeal.

 

2. One weekend when I had stayed over with my daughter she wanted me to lie down with her, ever since the divorce she has been extra clingy and hasn't been sleeping on her own which I'm trying to remedy but it's taking a long time. He then proceeds to make her lie down in the room we were sleeping in (we sleep with all lights and such off), I was making tea in the kitchen which I do every night before bed, he tells her she can't get up to come see me, which I didn't say much about it because she knew I was coming to bed soon, she screams her head off for about ten to fifteen minutes. He get's pissed off because I went in and took her and held her. He then says the next morning that she got what she wanted through her manipulative actions. I know my daughter and know her cries. It was a cry of being scared which is why I went to comfort her. Needless to say that night led to me sleeping on the floor and my daughter, and us not talking the next day.

 

3. He says things to me that really irk me at times. I'm not the best with keeping up with my eating schedule since I work such hellish work, programmer, this morning I lost my mobile phone and was looking for it and was already late taking the kids to school. I came home and kept looking for the phone until I finally found it. As soon as I found it I logged onto my computer to do some programming work and simply didn't think about making breakfast or anything. Skip to this afternoon he asks if I ate breakfast and I said no and he just nagged the hell out of me, which I guess is alright because he just cares. But then he said something to me that really upset me, he accused me of lying about forgetting to eat. I did not lie, I actually forgot. He then said fine eat don't eat it's your health whatever. Very mature way to handle something like that *rolls eyes*, needless to say this caused some more friction so I simply said thankyou for being like that and went back to work.

 

I feel deep down I'm not ready to live with this guy. For one he needs to lighten up a bit. I love him and he is a great guy otherwise. He is a hard worker and has good morals and values. His ex wife walked all over him and a part of me thinks he is trying to make damn sure that I don't do what she did, but I'm not her. My counselor thinks the same thing. My question is has anyone went through this or what am I to do. Leaving him is not an option since I do obviously love him and he is otherwise very good to my little girl. She does love him, he is also good with my son. He is very giving and loving also. He just has a few issues that I'm concerned about. He doesn't have children and doesn't want any of his own but is willing to take my on and treat them as his own. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I'm just scared to make that move. I'm comfortable where I'm at and it's familiar and I leave the familiar then I'll be in unchartered waters and maybe I'm scared of that. Any advice would be helpful. Thankyou.

[loggrad98]

Quick gut check for me were 2 things:

 

1. He has a bad temper.

2. He accused you of lying.

 

If his temper is bad enough that it (consciously or unconsciously) made the top of your list, that is a warning sign. I know a couple of great women who were beaten by men who had bad tempers but were really "good guys" deep down (so she believed, even told me when I visited her in the hospital)....one of them after 4 years of what she thought was a committed relationship.

 

The second one shows major trust issues. If he is going to micro-manage your life to the point of what you eat, and then belittle you in the process, that is not love, that is a power struggle.

 

You entire post showed tale-tell signs of a controller, and that can be very dangerous for you and your children.

 

Don't be fooled coming out of a relationship, when you and your children are in need, into believing that what appears to be a "strong man" means he will be good for you and your kids. He could be preying on your vulnerability.

 

Having 4 kids and a wife of my own, I cannot imagine anyone standing between me or my wife and one of my kids when they are in need. Sure kids can be manipulative (they learn it from us after all =), but a mother knows when she is needed, and, even if that was a need YOU had to be with HER, that is valid and absolutely MUST be respected.

 

I would advise you to steer clear. There are great guys out there for you....hold out for one, for both you and your children's sake.

[JadeStar]

If you are having doubts about moving in, then listen to that feeling and don't do it right now. He needs to get his anger issues in check too.

 

 

Jade

[Walk]

I'm in agreement with loggrad. The instances you wrote about would be enough red flags for me to get out.

 

First of all, when you asked for space, he made it a point of manipulating you until you had to give up what you needed. He refused to accept, or even allow your need to have merit. The end result is that he got the attention he wanted by you driving 45 minutes in order to see him and get him to forgive you for needing time to your self. That's not the sign of a "good guy". That's a dud. His need superseed yours, he got you to give him attention by behaving rudely and insultingly. You rewarded his behavior by giving him more attention.

 

I don't have kids myself, and I'm pretty clueless on how to handle kids.. But I would NEVER step in between a mother and her child. Then to go to such lengths as to allow both of them to sleep on the floor?!?!?! OMG. If you slept on the floor because you were upset, then he should've gotten his ass outta bed and given you and your little girl the bed. A "good guy" would've. An azz lets his woman and child sleep on the dirty cold hard floor all night.

 

Says to me that his needs, Again, came first. His need for a comfortable sleep, while your comfort and sleep were not a concern of his. Or at the most, they were secondary to his need.

 

He called you a liar about not eating?!?!? That really bothers me. Who in their right mind would lie about whether they ate breakfast or not? Why would it even enter his head that you would lie about eating? I'm bad about eating too, and when my bf asks if I did or didn't, he doesn't call me a liar when I answer. I still can't get over that.. why would someone lie about eating?

 

Anyway... It would seem to me that he if was really concerned, then his first thought would be to get you food. Not call you a liar.

 

You said leaving wasn't an option. I think you could probably choose a better person to spend your time with, but that's just my opinion.

 

However, I do strongly recommend that the two of you really focus on improving your communication skills. Especially during arguments, and disagreements. Work on those before you even contemplate moving in with this guy.

 

Plus, don't react to his outbursts or temper flares by attempting to "settle the ordeal". He accused you of coddling your little girl.. but he's acting worse then her and you're giving him all kinds of great attention for his outbursts.

[WhisperingWillow]

His exact words when he asked me if I had eaten breakfast that morning and I told him I really did forget he said he didn't buy it and that I just chose to ignore it. I didn't feel like getting into a argument and told him that I couldn't stand up to him so I wasn't going to talk about it anymore and get back to work.

 

It's not that I don't feel safe with him, it's just that he can be a right ass sometimes about things and it makes it very difficult for me to get around. Case in point I was very very very sick about three weeks ago. I had a kidney infection and on top of it a touch of the flu. I told him that I was contagious and just really needed to rest and I didn't want him to get sick so I didn't want him to come over and visit. He said he understood then he went and threw together some care package and showed up unannounced at my house. Ok that's really sweet, really it is, ie the care package. I however was not home. My little girl was with my ex and she's a momma's girl and she was very upset and my ex could not console her, so I went to check up on her and to calm her. Well he calls me and asks me where I am at and I told him and he was very sarcastic saying that the doctor told me not to be up running around and that my ex could console my daughter and that I needed to be at home. I asked him what he was doing over there and he told me about the care package to which I said was sweet and thankyou. He then proceeded to get sarcastic with me about being out, but then he says he's going to a local fast food place but by then I was already pissed off. So I pretty much told him I was going home to get some more rest and I would not meet him to pick it up.

 

My sister's came down and took me back to their house to keep an eye on me and he was insistent with my sister on getting me this care package. He asked my sister where they lived, which they live about two and a half hours away from him, and my sister told him that due to his behavior that I did not want to see him. My thing is that care package while sweet, it could have waited until I was able to get to his house and pick it up when I was feeling a bit better.

 

Generally when we're together we have a fantastic time. Everything is in sync. He says he wants to get married, settle down and have a life. I would like that too. However my gut is telling me to hold off and you guys have given me enough advice to really make me think that I'm not wrong. He has a lot of growing and changing to do. He's 38 and I'm 31 we're both adults. I can't see acting like little kids and petty arguments. It's not worth it to me in the long run. I did that with my ex and I'm not about to do that again.

[Romeo Must Die]

Right, move in with him asap so you can have some other male tellin' you what to do all the time. lol. in that case you should have just stayed married.