Resentment Issues ...

[cynthia77]

Hi everyone. You've all been so great in helping me in the past so I thought I'd come on here with another issue I have. My common law partner (we also have a beautiful baby boy together) had an emotional affair a little over a year ago with an ex of his. When he would see her, he 'forgot' to tell her that we were dating and that we were living together. If you're really interested in my long sappy story, feel free to see my other posts. But, to make a long story short, I've decided to forgive him. He's been doing quite good at proving that he'll never do this again and I truly believe that he won't. My problem now is all the resentment I have for him and his actions. I just can't seem to let it go. One day I'll be fine - and the next I'm a mess. Sometimes I do wonderful things for him - and the next day I wish I hadn't because I feel he doesn't deserve it. On some days I don't even want to tell him that I love him and I purposely throw in hurtful words to hurt him (kind of like getting back at him I suppose).

 

I really want to get over this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Mz. Pixie]

Resentment is a decision, just like forgiveness. While you cannot forget what he did and probably never will, really, if you choose to forgive him but hang on to the resentment- then you're not really forgiving him???

 

Make sense??

 

What you're saying is "I'm forgiving you so we can move on but I want to hang on to this blanket of anger" Not that you shouldn't be angry, but if you CHOOSE to forgive him, which is your choice, you've got to choose to let resentment go as well.

[norajane]

Maybe it wouldn't hurt to go to some marriage counseling.

 

Have you been open and honest with your bf about your resentment? Have you expressed how you feel? Bottling it up may cause the resentment to grow.

 

If you have already expressed your feelings fully, then letting go of the resentment is a day by day process. Sometimes you will go backwards and feel angry, but other days you'll leap forward and won't be so angry. It just takes time.

[Mary3]

Maybe it wouldn't hurt to go to some marriage counseling.

 

Have you been open and honest with your bf about your resentment? Have you expressed how you feel? Bottling it up may cause the resentment to grow.

 

If you have already expressed your feelings fully, then letting go of the resentment is a day by day process. Sometimes you will go backwards and feel angry, but other days you'll leap forward and won't be so angry. It just takes time.

 

A classic example of this was Kathy Lee Giffords husband who cheated on her and she never let him have a moments peace after that. He would have been alot better to have gotten *out* than to face the wrath of her.

[loggrad98]

You cannot help but love those you truly serve.

 

Often the feeling/thought/emotion follows the action. Want to be a happier person...try acting happy! Sounds sappy and stupid somewhat, but it works.

 

Try going to an effort to do things for him that you know he would appreciate. At first you may have to plan it out and follow-through almost as if it were a work assignment. Do it without expectation of a response of any kind and without any hidden resentful language. Do it with a smile. Then do it again. You will be surprised how your attitude can change. Often all you can directly control is what you DO, not how you feel...but changing what you do can also change how you feel.

 

My 2 cents.

[silentalways]

right on! when u are positive, positive things happen. trying hugging this person. its impossible to hold feelings of resentment during a hug. go to counselling together, build wonderful memories and remember every moment u spend in a negative place robs you of a positive moment. if u love this person, jump into their arms and give them a big wet smoooooooooooch and start enjoying life again or bust a move.

[the ss man]

if you cut the pain out with a knife of your own design

a part of your heart will go with it

dont let it fester and destroy you

let it make you stronger

 

you cant really forgive him yet because he might still do it again

to be honest hes probably not doing it because of his regret for doing it

but the reason it happened would still be there

 

if you want this to work

find out why he did what he did

 

people dont do things like this for no reason

love is more powerful then pain lust or need

because love is all of those things and so much more

 

he did something he knew would damage what you had if he was found

find out if it was really that important to risk losing what you 2 have

 

if your not willing to find out why he did it

or not willing to try and solve what made him do it

then you can know why he did what he did

and you should part ways because you really arent meant for eachother

if he has needs that your just unable to meet, then you truly have a problem

 

altho if you are willing to work this out

you are one hell of a strong person

you cant change another person but you can change yourself, if you think its worth doing

most people would just keep pretending or just say **** it and be done with it

and if your willing to do this for him make sure he never forgets that if it goes south and he wont fight to keep it, your going to leave like theres no tommarow

 

dont hold off on leaving because of a kid..

which one is better..

a kid surrounded in misery yelling and hate with 2 parents

or a kid with 2 happy parents that arent together?

 

you dont have to seperate and have one be miserable

find out what he needed and tell him your not willing or able to meet it

then you both can go your own ways knowing you werent meant to be

 

if you asked and he told you why

but told you that you now fill that need

then all you need is time...

time and the beautiful moments 2 people can share together

 

(tell me if you think anything i said was wrong and ill edit it.. ty)

[BeenAround_N_Back]

cynthia77, it does not look like to have truly decided to forgive him if you are still being resentful or feel resentful... you are going through or will go through the 5 stages of grief. And sometimes you will revert back to the stage before.... You may not realize it now but you are mourning the relationship that you thought you had before you discovered the emotional affair. The relationship you *thought* you *had* is no longer because the unconditional trust you had in him in gone - forever. You will always question, even if you believe that he won't repeat what he did to you. The doubt will be there and it may stay there for a long time. You will need to rebuild. I sometimes cannot say those 3 words to my H because of his A. And I know he wants to hear them. I told him just because I am being nice and we are connecting and being good to each other does not mean that I have forgiven him or forgotten. Don't mistake my actions for forgiveness. Forgiveness may not come in a very long time, but I am trying my best to make it work. We have a child together and I understand that he is regretful of his mistake. But everything have consequences. good luck to you.