2 weeks gone by and it's getting worse for me.

[thecount]

Hi all, It's been 2 weeks since I wrote here last. I'm the one with the thread "holy crap you're not going to believe this one".

 

Anyway, The situation hasn't gotten any better for me. I'm still thinking about all the lies that she has told me. Can't seem to move past the lies. I have a lot of questions still. She tells me that she deserves everything i give her.

 

i did pack up all her things, i did make it easy for her to pick up all her things and leave, but she wouldn't. i don't understand. If she really wanted to be with her ex so much. Why didn't she just pick up and leave. he does want her back. We all know this.

 

she tells me he was only there just incase i left her. What kind of B/S is that? But still i ask myself. i made it easy for the both of them. i said go and be with him. She wouldn't go. WHY!?

 

She keeps telling me to please forget about it, and lets move past this so that we can live a great life together. "how many times do i have to say I'm sorry"?

 

I kindly told her it wasn't me who was running around with my ex. and as many times as you say i didn't sleep with him.you still went to a wedding which he was there, and you still went to AC and he stayed over, and lets not talk about the numrous times you met him for coffee.

 

She told me that they spoke about me, and argued about me. That's why he stomed out one night. Because she wouldn't leave me.

 

What kind of game is this?

 

My head is spinning, my heart is aching. I feel like a joke. and eveyone's laughing.

[blind_otter]

No one is laughing. You are in control of your own emotions, my friend, even though that seems untrue at this point. You control how her actions affect you in every way.

 

If I were you? I would cut off contact for my own mental health. But that's me, and I tend to value my mental health over relationships.

 

Decide to be happy and to not allow this drama into your life.

 

Games? Who cares what kind of game this is? Who wants to be with a game-player, anyway?

 

Love yourself.

[Krying]

Hang in there count. I have no idea why your girl is doing this. She clearly cannot make up her mind who she wants to be with. I can only guess it's no you at this point. She's having troubles with her new guy and just in case that doesn't work she thinks in her head she has you to fall back on. Look at her actions and not her words. If she was truly sorry, and was not going to continue in a relationship with this other guy, she would stop all contact. She would do whatever it took for you to see she was trying to earn your trust again. You've done the honorable thing here but I get the feeling she is still using you, even though she keeps telling you she's "sorry".

[D-Lish]

You're not a joke to be laughed at.... but you feel that way. Do you want to be with someone that makes you feel that way? If you surround yourself with people who make you feel bad about yourself... then you'll just end up internalizing that feeling and making it a reality.

 

Your ex has taken away a bit of your dignity with her actions. But you don't have to succomb to that. You can restore your dignity by walking away right now. If you forgive her too easily here, you will be setting a precedence~ that "it's okay to treat me with disrespect and I'll take you back".

 

I'm not suggesting you walk away for good (although you've seen some red flags), I'm only suggesting that you take a good hard look at your relationship and decide whether or not it's worth it for you to pursue it.

 

This could be a one time mistake on her part...or it could be a lifelong pattern. You have to decide which it is and whether or not you're prepared to forgive.

[thecount]

I was married to a luni, got divorced and I've met some pretty ****ed up people. when I met my current g/f or ex whatever you want to call her. she was really nice, and for a year and a half we've had some pretty good times and some pretty messed up times. nothing is ever perfect. I don't know any couples out there who can say you know something. everythings great everyday. it isn't. but the lies are just too much.

 

she did change her number, and she said that it's not the way she wants to live her life. She hated the fact that she was talking to him behind my back. and she called me right in front of him to tell me that she loves me and misses me more then I know. He went nuts and walked away from her.

 

Her sister even told her what an idiot she's been acting like. Her sister told her. If he (me) was to leave you right now what would you miss? She said everything. Her sister asked me to hang in there. She said I just hope you have the strength to forgive her for her sake.

[D-Lish]

I was married to a luni, got divorced and I've met some pretty ****ed up people. when I met my current g/f or ex whatever you want to call her. she was really nice, and for a year and a half we've had some pretty good times and some pretty messed up times. nothing is ever perfect. I don't know any couples out there who can say you know something. everythings great everyday. it isn't. but the lies are just too much.

 

she did change her number, and she said that it's not the way she wants to live her life. She hated the fact that she was talking to him behind my back. and she called me right in front of him to tell me that she loves me and misses me more then I know. He went nuts and walked away from her.

 

Her sister even told her what an idiot she's been acting like. Her sister told her. If he (me) was to leave you right now what would you miss? She said everything. Her sister asked me to hang in there. She said I just hope you have the strength to forgive her for her sake.

 

And do you think you have it in you to forgive her?

You haven't really said if you think you can or can't.

Just don't make it TOO easy for her to come back... that will send the wrong message.

D

[thecount]

D-lish--You're right. I haven't said if I can forgive her. It's way too soon. it's still a fresh wound.

 

What really burns my ass is the elaborate lies. Very calculating. It's almost like she's a pathalogical liar. Believing her own lies. Let me explain.

 

When I first found out about the wedding thing back in sept. I called the hotel to cancel the room. They told me that the wedding had already taken place. i called her up screaming, she said it's not true, she was going to have the bride call me herself, but the bride said if he doesn't really trust what do you really have? (putting blame on me) which were all lies, her friends didn't want to get involved. they told her you on your own with this one... and then she said "I think i deserve an apology. Can you believe the nerve? and her knowing that she's lying to me.

 

I've heard her lie to her friends, and the lies sound way too familiar, and this past weekend. Her friend told her that what my g/f was saying didn't sound right. i told her, well dear, they have heard you lie to me. Do you think they are going to believe you right now? you did this to yourself. She tried telling me that she never lied to me in front of them. i told her, Cut the crap, enough, stop insulting me.

 

I'm not letting her off the hook that easy. I do bring it up. to her it maybe that the dark cloud has been lifted off her head. I told her, You gave it to me, and it's not fair. it's not fair that you expect me to just forgive and forget so quickly. If i did forgive so quickly what does that say about me? One of 2 things, Either I'm a shmuck, or I'm guilty of something too. Either one is not the case.

 

While I'm planning for her birthday she's out with her friends and ex-boyfriend having a great time in the casinos in AC -- yes, she did call me infront of him telling me how much she loves me. That doesn't make it better. I feel like a f--ing idiot. Taking her to a Broadway show, gifts, and she's out with her ex. And she should say "i'm sorry" and all is forgiving?

 

Maybe she really needs help. No joke, I think that maybe the way to go.

 

Therapy anyone? I think I need it too.

[Krying]

Dude, this sounds worse by the post. My ex did the lying thing too and it hurts like no other. Especially when I told her our relationship must always be one of openness and being honest and truthful.

 

I hate to say it count, but I don't think this girl can be trusted ever. I know you love her and that only makes it worse. But she lied to you so many times. And the real kicker is I bet you anything she has not told you everything. From my own experience, girls will only tell you what they have to in order to defuse the situation. They will always sugar coat it and hold stuff back.

[Rooster_DAR]

I am going throught the exact same thing you are. The similarites are striking. My fiance is having an affair with another guy as well, but she keep up with the lies and deception as well as breaking up with him to be with me and then back again. I'ts terrible to see the person you love so much so confused, it's almost like they are split personality or someone you don't even know anymore. I really do think they are confused to a certain point, but after all the time you have given them it's hard to digest that they are giving themselves to someone else.

 

(Guilt is in play here as well)

 

I ended it night before last finally, it was too much for me to have to deal with and I've been fighting for her for a year now. I did not give up easily, and I fought for her with every ounce of energy I could muster. But, there comes a time when the fighting has to stop, and that's when you start losing your life and dignity.

 

I'm sure you will get to this point, and it will finally have some type of closure.

 

Regards,

[thecount]

Dude, you don't know the half of it. She has put me through the ringer these past few weeks. When I ask her what is it that you want. she says I want us (she and I) to be happy. The excuses she uses just don't add up.

 

Why would a woman be with someone that's left her in a time of need?

Someone who Slapped her, pushed her, cheated on her...

why be with someone like that?

 

Love -- what a son-of-a-bitch!

[Krying]

She's holding onto the hope and thoughts this guy will change his ways. That's why she puts up with the crap he gives her. In her head she knows it's not a good thing, but in her heart she hangs on. That should tell you all you need to know. You are not in her heart. She will put up with abuse, cheating and so on with this other guy, yet stays with him. The intelligent part of her is what is reaching out to you. She's seeking comfort and help from you. But once she is comfortable again, she will distance herself from you again. Time to walk away man. You know in your gut things don't add up. Trust that instinct. You no doubt love her, but she is not acting in a manner that shows she loves you. Confusion is one of the biggest cop outs girls use when trying to justify their lying and dishonest actions. Just remember, actions speak louder than words.

[Rooster_DAR]

She's holding onto the hope and thoughts this guy will change his ways. That's why she puts up with the crap he gives her. In her head she knows it's not a good thing, but in her heart she hangs on. That should tell you all you need to know. You are not in her heart. She will put up with abuse, cheating and so on with this other guy, yet stays with him. The intelligent part of her is what is reaching out to you. She's seeking comfort and help from you. But once she is comfortable again, she will distance herself from you again. Time to walk away man. You know in your gut things don't add up. Trust that instinct. You no doubt love her, but she is not acting in a manner that shows she loves you. Confusion is one of the biggest cop outs girls use when trying to justify their lying and dishonest actions. Just remember, actions speak louder than words.

 

I agree here as well, and I think this is the case with my EX too. When someone is tied up in an affair/cheating, they lose all sense of common knowlege. The become self serving and keep finding ways to justify what they are doing, and confusion is a good one. My fiance still tries to deny things she already admitted to, you can't get any more confused than that. I think our girls are in love with someone else, however they are comfortable with us and rely on that when their world falls to pieces.

 

I do think they still love us, but they are not capable of making any rational decisions until they break away from both parties. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom before that happens.

 

Regards,

[thecount]

what is sad here is that I know you guys are right. I don't know what it is that I'm holding on to. I know that in the end it will be me that's going to walk away. I know myself way too well. I've warned her. "Don't make me hate you". there will be no coming back, not matter what.

 

I've done it before, I've walked away from a 10 year marriage, because of this same nonsense, and I can walk away from this too. It's just a matter of time.

 

And I've told her the samething everyone has said. Actions speak louder then words. Just don't tell me you love me. Show me, Like I've shown you. You can't do much with words. IT's nice to hear it. but showing it is a lot better.

 

She always spend most of her time with me. it's easy to say that we were practicly living together. Now when she comes over all I see is the deceit. I look at her and feel I dirty. which one day that will go away, and then she'll have nothing more of me. Not even a thought. When I'm out of a relationship it's because something went wrong, and it can not be fixed. So I go and never look back.

 

... and that is sad, because I love her! :-(

[Rooster_DAR]

what is sad here is that I know you guys are right. I don't know what it is that I'm holding on to. I know that in the end it will be me that's going to walk away. I know myself way too well. I've warned her. "Don't make me hate you". there will be no coming back, not matter what.

 

I've done it before, I've walked away from a 10 year marriage, because of this same nonsense, and I can walk away from this too. It's just a matter of time.

 

And I've told her the samething everyone has said. Actions speak louder then words. Just don't tell me you love me. Show me, Like I've shown you. You can't do much with words. IT's nice to hear it. but showing it is a lot better.

 

She always spend most of her time with me. it's easy to say that we were practicly living together. Now when she comes over all I see is the deceit. I look at her and feel I dirty. which one day that will go away, and then she'll have nothing more of me. Not even a thought. When I'm out of a relationship it's because something went wrong, and it can not be fixed. So I go and never look back.

 

... and that is sad, because I love her! :-(

 

I am right there with you brother, I have gone through these emotions for months on end. I think we are grieving the loss of the person we know, and we are trying to hang on to hope, and that hope is they will come back to the person they were before. There is a book I have read twice called "Womens Infedelity" you might want to pick up. Visit the website below.

 

http://womensinfidelity.com/

 

The book seems to touch on things that make a lot of sense, they certainly hit home with me. Sometimes I think way too much and remeber all the small moments we spent together, and thinking to myself that I will love her forever. Funny how life throws a curveball and screws everything up.

 

Cheers!

[thecount]

tonight she called me and asked me to come over her house. she said there's something I need to hear.

I go there and she said that She did change her cell phone number, which I knew. She did that right away. Then she called him infront of me.

 

She told him that she no longer wants to speak to him, and that she loves me and only me. she had him on the speaker. He said, that's funny I was thinking the samething. But we never had anything anyway. We just spoke.

 

She said something about the night he called, and said I had a great time with you last night. He started laughing and said yeah so... She said why are you starting trouble between us. He just started laughing. He's living with someone too.

 

What the hell is going on here? This is out of control. As the world turns lol. Gotta laugh ya'll gotta laugh.

 

She said I know you always wanted me to do that. I will show you that it's over and how much I really care about you.

 

Do you think that was sincere?

[D-Lish]

A better question to ask is "do YOU think it's sincere"? Because you were there.

Or was it a well orchestrated stunt she arranged with him...

think she's capable of that?

 

I don't know how it would be possible at this point to forgive and forget. When you forgive someone, truly forgive them... you have to let go of the mistake. I don't know if I could do that in your situation... how could you rebuild that trust again?

 

She sounds manipulative. You've experienced it first hand. Think she can change? I hate to say it, probably not. The whole thing smells fishy.

[Krying]

It does sound weird to me too. This guy seems to be one that doesn't care. You know one of those "tough" kind of guys. Your girl calling him I don't think means anything. He's done worse from what you've said and your girl keeps running back to him. How is a phone call going to solve things. I think the call was not for his benefit but hers so you didn't walk out on her. She's obviously sensing you are close to walking away for good. You've said all along she is deceitful and manipulative. While the phone call is a good action and a place to start, do you in your heart actually feel it was genuine?

[Rooster_DAR]

I agree somewhat with the other posters, but I still think it's possibly a way to rebuild the trust and start again. She needs to keep up this kind of work, and not fall back to defending her estranged behaviour. Has she agreed to go to counseling with you for a good period of time?

 

Good luck!

[thecount]

ok, Right now I have my guard up. She does seem to be going in the right path here. Only time will tell.

 

I would hate to think that this whole thing is orchestrated. What do they have to gain from it? and why would he play along? Knowning that he does want her back. He wouldn't play along. He's too n[FONT=Times New Roman]arcissistic. [/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]During the call her voice was shacking, she's not good with confrontation. Never has been. She told him that she's with me, and only wants to be with me. He said good, I'm also seeing someone else right now. She told him, "yes I know" he sounded dumb founded. "really, How did you know, no no really, How did you know". She said your girl was at the wedding with you. you introduced me as your friend. remember? he didn't answer her.[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]Right after the phone call she looked more relaxed. Like that dark cloud was lifted from her, but like I said before. This is too new for me, and it will take sometime for me to heal from the kick in the ass she gave me. [/FONT]

[jmargel]

thecount.. I was just about in the SAME situation as you. My wife & I were close friends for about a year while I knew she had a bf. During that year, we were just friends but grew closer. She left him & we became a couple. While being a couple she would call him maybe once a month, but I played it cool. He was trying to get her back, but kept saying she was staying with me.

 

We got engaged, and 2 months before the wedding she ended up going out w/ a friend. She ran into him and they spoke with each other for a few hours. Yes, I was pissed and upset.. The wedding still went on..

 

The wedding was awesome and thought everything was going to be ok. We were getting along great and as far as I knew she didn't have any contact with him. Two months after the wedding she tells me she's running an errand.. Found out she met up with him. She did this one more time the next month.

 

My trust for her is falling fast..

 

From Nov. through April, she had no contact with him. During this time however I found out her dad & her ex are like best friends, going out & doing everything together. Funny how they werent this way when he was with her. Anyway, I find out that her dad was telling him everything that was going on between my wife & I. Very messed up, and on top of that her dad came after me physically. My wife's stepmom also turned against me. Her family is very, very dysfunctional.

 

Found out on top of this that her dad & her ex play on the same pool team, her dad (who use to neglect her alot) asked her on the pool team. Her telling me over & over again that he wasn't going to be on it, lied.. Things were getting bad to worst.. She would goto her dads & meet up with him there or stay late after the pool matches.. During all this time she was cheating on me (at least emotionally, she says she didnt do anything physically), she tried to convince me that I was 'crazy', 'paranoid', that 'nothing was going on'.. My god, she was so good at lying that it's scary. I tried everything from being nice to mean.. Nothing helped. She often then mentioned how easy it would be to leave the house.. The woman I just married and knew, turned into this lying monster. I hated this side of her and after enough talks with people on here, family & friends I resigned myself that I had to get a divorce. Notice this was all going on while we were in Marriage counseling.

 

Then, after reading the book "Love is Tough', and from the advice of people on here, I found some help.. Two psychologists would not even talk to her because of her attitude. They told me whatever they would say to her would not stick, but they gave me very useful information that really saved my marriage and my sanity.

 

They were able to convince me that I wasn't 'crazy' or 'paranoid' and often the cheater will use those words as a defense mechasism. Keeping me on the defensive is the best offense since she had no other way to explain her behavior. Everything was 'my fault', and often 'blanket statements' were made by her.

 

The one psychologist told me that one day.. at one moment that I will just flip. That the boundaries were crossed and the fear of losing her would be overcomed by the notion to want things changed, either way..

 

Well, that morning came..

 

Getting ready for work she was being bitchy as usual and said something that made me make that decision. I told her that I wanted her out of the house by the end of the day, that the marriage is over and I am moving on without her. I expected her to jump at this chance, for her to say 'My husband threw me out, poor me.. etc..' Countless times she would say how easy it would be for her to move out. When I said this to her, she was like a deer in headlights.. For the first time she was speechless.. After about a minute she said 'I'm not moving out, no way'.. I then knew the power I had over this whole situation. It was just that I wasn't applying it in the right way.

 

Consequences and ultamatiums came next by me. No contact between her & the ex and she would be held accountable for where she was. I had to pull the reigns in pretty tight. However I also opened the cage door for her, and told her if she wants to leave, to do it now and to never look back. Because she would not be welcomed back into my heart. She finally admitted that she didn't put 100% into this marriage and felt she had to do what her dad wanted her to do..

 

That was a year & a half ago. She has no contact with her ex, and her contact with her dad is minimial. Though I never told her she can't see her dad, she does so by choice and the times she has seen him she mentions how he still acts the same way. He was abusive towards her when she was a child.

 

I really feel for you and the situation you are in. You are on a roller coaster ride and you are not sure what's going to happen next. This game she has played has tainted alot of what you had for her and the trust is just about all gone. Even though it's been almost two years since this has happened to me, I still can't trust her 100%. I don't know if I ever could. It's just i'm that way. My trust when all this ended between her & the ex was about 10%.. Now, its about 95%.

 

I would VERY highly recommend marriage counseling for you two. If she wants this to work then NO CONTACT is in order w/ her ex. What you have been doing is right, opening that cage door. If you would have held her down, she would have bolted from you. Women are like that.. (at least the ones I know).

 

I had to re-enforce into myself that the reasons why she was doing this wasn't because of me, it was due to her immaturity. Just like what your mate is doing. The counseling that you two would go through would show this to her. Right now you are the 'Parent' and she is the 'Child'.

 

--] Parent

 

--] Adult

 

--] Child

 

She needs to take responsibility and show ACTION on her part, not just words by going to counseling. Only then will she push that notch up to an adult and allow you to rest and knock a notch down to Adult as well. Playing detective and having this emotional train wreck on your hands is so exhausting. I felt depression setting in and that's when I knew something had to be done.

 

Hang in there and make her face this..

[thecount]

Jmargel, I read your post, and I think you are right on on the subject.

 

It has to be about mutual respect for one another. Otherwise you have nothing.

 

It's up to her now, and we'll see if she's going to continue showing me how much she wants me to stick around.

 

And I hope for her sake that this atempt to call him in front of me, and telling him that she doesn't want to be with him wasn't an orchestrated thing.

 

What would they have to gain from it? Especailly him? Everyone knows taht he wants her back. He would have had nothing to loose by just saying cut the crap. Knowing how he is. very into himself, he wouldnt have done that. At least i dont' think so. I've been wrong before, as we can see. LOL

 

All that would do is make me a vindictive SOB. I am a nice guy, and I pride myself on that, But I can get as nasty as the next guy. My pride is hurt. So she should be careful what she says and does at this point.

 

Trusting her is going to take some time.