ex is still a friend and it causes problems

[Guest]

hi- i read that it's a good thing to be able to stay friends with an ex

that it shows you are a person who still gets along after things are over and didn't go crazy or anything i'm engaged and still friends with an ex from last year. he was a major help to me through some bad times, and even though it didn't work out, we decided to be friends. it wouldn't be right not to be, after all he did to help, i think well, my fiance is just freaked out by it.

 

all i do with my ex is talk on the phone from time to time to say hi how are things going...just friend talk

my fiance is now constantly calling my apartment, and when the phone is busy, he'll get upset. i think he just calls to see if i'm on the phone, because he calls constantly, with stupid reasons, like yesterday, i'd just left his house, and twenty minutes later, he called to tell me that it's going to snow on wednesday...i get really mad when he bothers me too much.

 

now, my ex is getting hang-up phone calls. i really think it's my fiance. i don't talk to my ex often, but since my fiance calls all the time, he alwasy knows when the phone is busy, and then shortly after that my ex gets a hang up call.

 

i don't want to make my fiance jealous. i've had really strong feelings for him and been in love with him, and want to make things good like they used to be. but this stuff is just making me get cold feet. i don't want to lose all my freedom to be a normal person with friends.

tell me if you think i'm wrong...i'm looking for the real answer. do i really need to drop a friend just because he's an ex boyfriend? or is my fiance being a little psycho? or is it both?

[bab]

I think you should drop the fiance. Since you were with this other guy last year, it sounds like you've only been with your fiance for at most slightly more than a year, and you are already making statements like:

 

 

i've had really strong feelings for him and been in love with him, and want to make things good like they used to be. but this stuff is just making me get cold feet. i don't want to lose all my freedom to be a normal person with friends.

 

You haven't been together long enough for these to be reasonable statements to make. Don't marry this guy, he isn't the one for you. He's a jealous guy, and you don't love him. Move on.

[Shrelana]

Your fiance needs to get a reality check. He can't control you like you are his slave, because you're not. You are a free person who can make your own decisions...Honeslty, my fiance and I are best friends with one of his ex's, and it never caused any problems.

I'd try talking to him, but if he doesn't see reason, as bab said, drop him. He isn't worth your freedom to have friends and talk to them.

[goodfriendeva]

your going to realize when you get married things will change right off the bat.. you wont be able to spend as much time as you once did with the gfs. in fact you might loose some because they cant grasp the concent of you being married and you have to devote yourself to the marriage..

 

talk to your fiance about the calling being out of control.. which it is.. but if you were in his shoes i think you would be upset if he was calling his ex gf whom he loved.. its natural to get jealous over something like that. its not saying he doesnt trust you. this is just a little bump in the road.. and i do think your getting cold feet.. there will be several more bumps in your marriage.. ask yourself is it worth it? do you love this man, enough to spend the rest of your life with him?.. maybe the ex will have to go.. but you do things for the one you love. controlling? maybe in a way.. but keeping him around will end up being damaging to your relationship.. are you completely over your ex or keeping him around because of the bond you once shared... seriously sit down and think things through.. marriage is a big step.. hope you figure it out

 

Eva

[bbelmont83]

In my experience staying friends with the ex is never a good thing. Devoting yourself to your new love is mroe important than someone thats suppose to be in your past now.

 

Im sure it could work in some cases though.

[tikigods]

I don't think you are ready to be married. You have been with your fiance for less then a year, and how long was it between the time you broke up with your ex and the time you got together with him? Honestly you holding onto your ex so much is a sign to me that you don't want to let go of him. Honestly I would be very upset if my fiance was on the phone and holding onto a relationship with their ex as much as it sounds like you are.

[Wantingtogetitright]

there are so many issue here I'm not sure where to begin.

 

Firstly why does your fiance not trust you? With no trust there is no relationship let alone a marriage.

 

Secondly, has your fiance met your ex. When you are committed to the one person you share your friends, no-one has friends outside of the relationship. Perhaps you should all go out together for a coffee or something.

 

Thirdly if all the above can be sorted out and your fiance is still not happy with the idea you have to make a call on who is more important. My partner is still friends with one of his exes. I am yet to meet her but I have insisted that there are no meetings without me, this way it is all above board and will have no reasons for doubt. I have been cheated on in the past and whilst I trust my partner I still bear the scars and this is just one of the pieces of baggage I carry with me that he has to accept.

[RecordProducer]

he was a major help to me through some bad times, and even though it didn't work out, we decided to be friends. it wouldn't be right not to be, after all he did to help

The problem that your finace has comes from your conection and closeness with your ex. He feels that your ex is taking up a part that you should have with the fiance, not with someone else.

 

It irks the hell outta me when my husband tells me that his first wife would give her kidney for him. She is mentally ill so not really a threat, but when he told her to pull the marijuana out of their backyard or he would divorce her, she didn't do it. And they got divorced. Not because of the drug problem (she does amphetamines, too), but because their marriage was awful due to her menatl illness. They were only married for 14 months. So she didn't destroy the plants for him when they were married and he thinks she wopuld give a kidney for him!

 

She never ever shows up when she promises so I told him "Yeah, she would give her heart and both kidnies... but not show up for the surgery!" He laughed and agreed.

 

You get the picture. We don't like exes that are so good, better than us in one way or another. I don't care if hubby's exes were better cooks, but I do care if they are kinder, smarter, and even prettier in his eyes. I wasn't jealous of his close frienship with one of his exes until he mentioned that she's a doctor so many times that it started sounding as if she is a better person than me cuz she is a doctor and I am not. But then I found aletter she wrote him 15 years ago where she basicaly explains that he wasn't in love with her one bit and she was in love with him. So my jealousy disappeared.

 

So here is your clue: convince your finace that you have absolutely no feelings for your ex, that you only care about him as for an old friend. If you can't convince him then you'll have to ditch the ex if you don't want trouble in your relationship.

[michelangelo]

and towards your intended.

 

Tip: most men don't want their Wife/GF remaining active friends with another man who's had their d!ck inside her.

 

It's as basic as that.

[whichwayisup]

If you want your ex in your life then introduce him to your fiance. Let them hang out and get to know eachother. Your future husband to be is threatened by your ex. Put yourself in shoes for a second...How would you handle him being friends with an exgirlfriend like you are with your ex? Would it upset you or make you feel abit jealous?

 

He is reacting big time, but I think it's because he feels insecure and doesn't trust the ex.

 

Talk to him, settle his nerves and make him feel secure and loved, and make sure he KNOWS that you have NO intention of letting your ex into your daily life, (meaning if you and your future hubby have a fight, you don't go running off to the ex to talk about it all with him.)

[kitesurfer]

and towards your intended.

 

Tip: most men don't want their Wife/GF remaining active friends with another man who's had their d!ck inside her.

 

It's as basic as that.

 

 

yea! what he said! insecurity or whatever, THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS...

[lovesagame]

Exaggerated jealousy is a sign of very low self-esteem. Now, this wouldn't be a problem if the person is aware of this and disposed to do something about it.

 

If not, then its just a matter of time before the relationship goes downhill.

 

Go for the central problem and the rest will follow. Your fiance has to do the main work though.

 

All the best

 

Edin

[Guest]

hi- i read that it's a good thing to be able to stay friends with an ex

that it shows you are a person who still gets along after things are over and didn't go crazy or anything i'm engaged and still friends with an ex from last year. he was a major help to me through some bad times, and even though it didn't work out, we decided to be friends. it wouldn't be right not to be, after all he did to help, i think well, my fiance is just freaked out by it.

 

all i do with my ex is talk on the phone from time to time to say hi how are things going...just friend talk

my fiance is now constantly calling my apartment, and when the phone is busy, he'll get upset. i think he just calls to see if i'm on the phone, because he calls constantly, with stupid reasons, like yesterday, i'd just left his house, and twenty minutes later, he called to tell me that it's going to snow on wednesday...i get really mad when he bothers me too much.

 

now, my ex is getting hang-up phone calls. i really think it's my fiance. i don't talk to my ex often, but since my fiance calls all the time, he alwasy knows when the phone is busy, and then shortly after that my ex gets a hang up call.

 

i don't want to make my fiance jealous. i've had really strong feelings for him and been in love with him, and want to make things good like they used to be. but this stuff is just making me get cold feet. i don't want to lose all my freedom to be a normal person with friends.

tell me if you think i'm wrong...i'm looking for the real answer. do i really need to drop a friend just because he's an ex boyfriend? or is my fiance being a little psycho? or is it both?

 

 

 

i think that your man is being a man. if your marring this man shouldnt your loyaltes be to him. marraige means that your spending the rest of your life with him... not your ex so shouldnt your conscerns should be about your fiances feelings and no trying to save a friendship that doesnt even have signifacint meaning in your life. (if you only talk to him once and a while) if youd rather have your ex as a friend then your fiance in your life than maybe you should be engaged to your ex rather than your man now.

[Cecelius]

Your fiance is out of control.

 

What he is facing is an inability to state what he considers appropriate and what he does not. He should lay out where his line is, and if that's not acceptable to you, then he should simply walk away.

 

But in all events this sounds way too fast for an engagement (red flag about him).

 

And, assuming that the relationship with him is more significant than the one from last year, the fact that this other guy is in your life more than an occasional "hey, how are you" at the bar/mutual friend party/etc. is wacky (red flag about her).

[Guest]

Exaggerated jealousy is a sign of very low self-esteem. Now, this wouldn't be a problem if the person is aware of this and disposed to do something about it.

 

If not, then its just a matter of time before the relationship goes downhill.

 

Go for the central problem and the rest will follow. Your fiance has to do the main work though.

 

All the best

 

Edin

 

It is not always a sign of low self esteem. You (and your ex) are showing a lack of respect to your current fiancee. You are acting selfishly and you need to ask yourself why your ex is so important. The bottom line is: is your ex more important than your current? If so, then you need to break up with the fiancee.. if not, you need to break it off with the ex.

 

You shouldn't have to choose, but neither should your financee. Right now you are making him choose between putting up with your ex and keeping you, or breaking up with you. I think that the fact that he's putting up with it (not in a very great way) should tell you that he loves you. He is not acting crazy, he is gurarding a relationship that he values very much, more than you it seems.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

Guest,

 

It is wise to -or rather you should postpone the wedding. Marriage, at this point in time, is only going to reinforce his controlling behavior; escalate into a psychotic and complex arrangement.

 

You may want to consider:

 

(A) Your Fiance should control his emotions, and actions. His tone is inappropriate. He needs to improve on his mentality, before you contemplate tomorrow -let alone marriage.

 

(B) Fiance, and you need to learn to get along. Compromise. 50 points his way, and 50 points your way.

 

© You must determine, precisely, where you stand with your male friend. You need to make sure you are simply a friend to him, and nothing more. IF he is holding romantic feelings towards you -you should back away.

 

It is up to you. All in all, putting this friendship above your relationship with your Fiance, is disrespectful.

 

Good Luck,

Sand&Water