Can you tell me what she's thinking/feeling?

[Leee]

Hi again all,

In my previous post (my first post here) I explained my situation of how my wife moved out and wants a divorce after 11 years of marriage and explained how I was feeling, which is not too good, part of me still wants her back.

 

(sorry but this is going to be a LONG post, but I would really appreciate some thoughts and comments)

 

I had an conversation with her today that left me extremely curious as to what's going on inside her head. I told her that her son (my step son) called me last night and wanted to know about Xmas day plans. We as a family always used to get together. He and his wife live 2 hours away and he would also have to visit his biological dad which is 2 hours in the opposite direction.

When I talked to him I suggested to make things easier for them I could just see him at his mom's house (my soon to be ex). She just lives down the street from me. We also have an 11 year old son between us, who I also wanted to spend time with. I thought it would be nice if we could all be together.

 

After I talked to him, I realized I unintentionally invited myself over to my ex's house without checking with her first. So I told her this today and she said she would have to think about it. She then went on to say that she feels a lot of tension between us right now and that she is really stressed out, especially when I am in her house. I asked her if I was doing anything to make things tense. Because the last couple of weeks I've gone out of my way to NOT talk about anything emotional with her, and just be very business like.

 

She started crying (which I've only seen her do once before during this separation) and she said she appreciates me keeping that boundary, but she is still stressed out and trying to just focus and keep with her NA program, but she's having a really tough time.

 

This was all very surprising to me because all this time she has been telling her friends and family how happy she is since she moved out, she's made new friends and she feels finally free. So where is all this stress, tension and sadness coming from?

 

Am I seeing an "in" with her, and try and use this to get her back, or am I way off base here? I know if I ask her about this she'll get angry and stressed out, but I'd really like to know what she is thinking and feeling?

I'm sure she feels angry at herself for letting her guard down in front of me, so it's a really tricky thing to bring this up again.

 

As I said, I could just let it lay, but then again I don't want to blow a chance to get back with her, even if it's a small chance.

 

Thanks for any advice or insight,

Leee

[Gunny376]

My call on the "ball" would be to make plans with your son and your family, and to exclude any with the XW and the SS and his family.

 

The way you described it through your post she's "screaming" for you to back off, to give her time and space. Like a dog growling if you try to touch their supper dish.

 

Me? You could plant me in downtown Bagdad, and I'd be cool about it. But, I've got the experience, attitude, mentality, training, to deal with it and to cope with it.

 

Flash forward toward retirment, and being out her in civilian la~la land for the first time since I was 18, and I've have had a really hard time adapting and overcoming. I've had to come to the understanding that I choosen to live close to my children and grandson ~ which means I live in the Bible Belt, around a lot of people that haven't moved too awlful far from where they were born and raised in small town rural America.

 

My point is this ~ she's lacking in certain "coping" skills. She's got "high and to the right" (ballistic, eratic, hysterical) over things that you and I probally would find small, petty, and in-significant. (Ref: Her participation in NA) When I retired ~ and got back out here in civilian la~la land, I spased, whereas you would have dealt with it in stride. I've since adapted and overcame ~ although its been hard going from a Hero to a Zero)

 

On top of that ~ factor in the Holiday (BS) season, and yea! I can see where she's stressed out. What with the separation, the move, the etc.

 

Interstingly enough I'm in the middle of a move to another place, when all of a sudden I'm in need of all this "stuff" where as three month's ago I wasn't ~ didn't even cross my mind?!

 

Me? I'd just bow out gracefully, chill, take the high road, the long road, the hard road, and get through next month. And, to be honest! Do you know what Christmas is? Just another day in December ~ that's what it is!

 

I've learned that if you've got your health, your strength, your freedom, food to eat, a roof over your head, a comfy bed to sleep in, a pot to cook in, and one to p*** in ~ life is good. There's only about 3 billion poor souls that even have that! Count your blessings ~ not your troubles.