Mona Posted June 11, 2002 Share Posted June 11, 2002 I have been married twenty-five years. My problem is with my husband being a musician. When I married him, he had no intention of becoming one. After we were married, he went back to school, and decided to join a band on weekends, so that we could have extra money. When he started working full-time, I asked him to quit the band, that it wasn't necessary anymore. Then, once he started working, he was invited to a lot of parties, and he would bring his guitar and sing. Throughout all this, I always went with him, but didn't like it. It meant putting up with comments like - "Oh, he's so sexy" - "He can put his slippers by my bed anytime" - "What a voice, you can sing to me anytime" etc. Women seemed to melt around him, and I didn't like to share him that way. I'm not a party person, I don't drink, and I also found the time long, just sitting there, while he entertained everyone. Eighteen years ago, my children were born, and we hardly went out, so it all stopped. But, two years ago, he wanted to join another band. I told him how I felt, but he joined the band anyways. I was heartbroken. I refuse to follow him, and it bothers me so much, that it is causing problems in my marriage. I don't know how to deal with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 11, 2002 Share Posted June 11, 2002 Many women married to the same man for 25 years would be jumping for joy if their husband took up music and was out of the house a bit more. There is nothing you can do to control another person and you shouldn't want to. True love is wanting the other person to be happy and to give them the space and freedom to do so. If you're certain that he loves and cares for you and you are getting important stuff from your marriage, standing in the way of him expressing himself artistically with his music is not right. If you feel neglected in a serious way, then of course you need to discuss this with him. Both of you should make sure there is a good balance between what he does away from home with his music and the quality time he spends with you. Making major demands on him and trying to take him away from his music could cause grave damage to your relationship over time. Meanwhile, find a life away from him for yourself. Get involved with friends, hobbies, doing things that interest you, etc. There's a lot more to life than living for a mate. Yes, it's great that you're so dedicated to your husband...and you deserve a major award for 25 years of marriage...very unusual in these times. But you must discover many more things than your relationship to enrich your life. Be happy for your husband and his need to express himself through his music. Perhaps with his help you can find other things yourself to be passionate about for yourself. Love is not about standing in the way of a partner. Love is being supportive and compromising. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted June 11, 2002 Share Posted June 11, 2002 i totally agree with him. i find that even within a shorter relationship - like a year- after the initial few months, if the guy doesn't have hobbies, it becomes a disaster for me b/c he doesnt give me any space... so when i start dating a guy now, i make sure he has hobbies and has stuff to do when i'm not with him. i also try to make sure i have other things to do when he's not there. i know some people need less space than others, but perhaps if you get involved in some activity you enjoy, it's great to have him singing................... if i were u, id also be flattered by all these women's comments! i love it when girls flirt with my guy... (as long as he declines their offers )... does he sing for you, too? its nice and sweet if he does... does he teach your child music? i think it'd be a good idea... i think i'd go with him to those parties once in a while... but mostly not, if u don't enjoy them. i hope you trust him enough to go alone... and that those parties don't mean you two don't spend any time alone... just some thoughts, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
velvet Posted June 12, 2002 Share Posted June 12, 2002 You have to! You have to show him how much you love him by letting him do something he loves which is his music. He knows how you feel about the other ladies if you told him. After thirty years of marriage I couldn't imagine him ever wanting to let you go. The love is strong right? Wrong? Show him how you feel. Don't get upset anymore but you still have every right to show him still how it can make you jealous. Stand by your mans side on this and not let it make you more angry than you both can handle. Link to post Share on other sites
MercyRose Posted June 12, 2002 Share Posted June 12, 2002 All I really want to say to you Mo is that I really feel for you. I have friends who have bf's that are musicians, I have known musicians. They work on weekends all night till the early hours. I am not suprised you miss your husbands presence at home... I wish there was a magic solution to make it all better for you. But if you try to interfere with his dreams he will resent you. All I can think of is maybe some kind of compromise. If he works 2-3 nights could he make it 1-2 nights, or make 2 nights one night? Its hardly fair for you if he was with you practically every night for 18 years to just go off for afew nights in a row. Although I am not aware how many evenings a week and what days in particular he is away on. You will have to discuss how his leaving you all of a sudden is affecting you and try to come to some sort of compromise on his timetable to suit and satisfy both your needs. After all a marriage is all about compromise. Not about abandoning your family and selfishly following dreams all of a sudden, completely ignoring their needs and the commitment once made. I wonder how your husband would had reacted to the same situation if your roles were reversed and you were the one leaving him alone afew nights a week all evening all of a sudden, after 18 years of being there for him. Compromise is the only solution I can see. You both have to give way a little. You can work it out-together. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Mona Posted June 13, 2002 Share Posted June 13, 2002 Thanks, everyone, for your replies and for taking the time to help. Mo Link to post Share on other sites
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