he calls- but its not enough and i miss him

[gonetildecember]

The thing with me and my ex is (you can look up my original post called " I don't know what route to take to get him back") he does call sporadically- when he feels too.. and sometimes we will just talk for 20 minutes or even five hours, or we will meet up watch a movie or he'll stay over... and then he'll disappear... or things will be great for a few days and then he will linger off.

 

This has gone on for months. He tells me that he doesn't know if he wants a gf right now, but that he loves me and misses me and there is no one else, but he doesn't think he wants a gf at the moment. He gets insanely jealous if i talk to someone else, and when I have gone on dates and told him about it, he has tried his hardest to make tons of effort to make sure i don't forget about him.

 

And then when he does his disappearing act i'll call - he won't answer or will 3 days later. The thing is, i don't want a half way boyfriend/non boyfriend anymore. I told him that if he wants me to back off and leave him alone i'm fine with that, but he tells me he's just confused but doesn't want to lose me.

 

I want to show him that I wont be here forever and that he can't keep toying with my emotions, but i'm so scared that if i cut him off he'll forget about me, find someone else.. and realise that he did want someone- i just wasn't there anymore...

 

what do i do?

[D-Lish]

The thing with me and my ex is (you can look up my original post called " I don't know what route to take to get him back") he does call sporadically- when he feels too.. and sometimes we will just talk for 20 minutes or even five hours, or we will meet up watch a movie or he'll stay over... and then he'll disappear... or things will be great for a few days and then he will linger off.

 

This has gone on for months. He tells me that he doesn't know if he wants a gf right now, but that he loves me and misses me and there is no one else, but he doesn't think he wants a gf at the moment. He gets insanely jealous if i talk to someone else, and when I have gone on dates and told him about it, he has tried his hardest to make tons of effort to make sure i don't forget about him.

 

And then when he does his disappearing act i'll call - he won't answer or will 3 days later. The thing is, i don't want a half way boyfriend/non boyfriend anymore. I told him that if he wants me to back off and leave him alone i'm fine with that, but he tells me he's just confused but doesn't want to lose me.

 

I want to show him that I wont be here forever and that he can't keep toying with my emotions, but i'm so scared that if i cut him off he'll forget about me, find someone else.. and realise that he did want someone- i just wasn't there anymore...

 

what do i do?

 

It sounds like you have two choices.

You can stay in a halfway relationship that doesn't fulfill you, or you can choose to move forward without him.

 

He's not going to forget about you. But if he's not making a committment, and that's what you want... you're going to have to make a decision.

 

Why give him all the power and leave the decisions to him?

 

You do have some power in this relationship, you have the power to walk away....but you're not using it to your advantage. DO you really think that someone who gets jealous everytime you look in another guy's direction is going to forget about you?

 

But right now you're giving him the message (by hanging out and reaching out) that his behavious is okay with you. That he can come and go as he pleases and that you are willing to wait/take him back.

 

DO the unpredictable and cut him off. When he comes running back, let him know you know your own worth and deserve better. I'm sorry to be a little harsh here- but you're being way too available to him, you're not a challenge right now. He knows he can have you, that you're waiting. And people want a challenge, they want what they think they can't have.

 

Turn the tables, make him believe HE can't have YOU!

D

[norajane]

He can't miss you and feel the loss of not having you in his life if you're around whenever he wants you to be. He can hang around in limbo like this only for as long as you let him.

[Eric102]

okay I know what your going to. Its really tough but i guess ur in the position i would have been if i was soft on my ex. But just let him know because your giving him all the power seriously.

 

Guys we need something we cannot get. Plus with my ex i finally made progress after trying no contact for two weeks. Shes like super nice and now even asks me if i have a gf or not. I haven't answered that question but i ended our phone call on the high note.

 

Just show the guy you can have a good time without him and he'll come back trust me. IF you can hurt our ego's then we stay with girl for a long time and think twice about looking around.

[gonetildecember]

I've been NC since Sat morning, we talked last Friday night and it was an okay conversation- just about our days and stuff.. and since then I haven't called, have appeared offline so he wouldn't know I was on and made no effort to contact him.

 

I know some ppl tell their ex's that they need some space, or can't handle the situation so they are getting away from them, am i supposed to do something like that, and tell him i'm going NC or just disappear and let him wonder?

 

I know i'm too available and it makes me sick, i know that i need a change- sometimes fear just gets in the way. And then if he calls.. do i not answer the first couple of times, like IF he does come back... how do i know its legit and not just him calling when he feels to, as it has been for the past few months... i just want to do this the right way. HELP?!

[upsetnhurt]

gone,

 

May I ask what it is about this guy that makes you want him back so bad? From an outside perspective all I see is a guy that has basically told you that he would prefer to live a life on his own rather than make you a priority. Is that what you really want in life from a man? I doubt it and think you deserve to find someone who is willing to cherish you as much or more than you do them. What are you scared of losing here? I get the sense that you are the person with the problem here....not him. He has made a decision and is living by it, while you can't seem to accept that he is not the one (all relationships don't end like a fairy tale) and can't seem to gather enough confidence to pick up the pieces and move on to bigger and better things. When you come to the conclusion that you are a very valuable commodity and it is entirely his loss for walking away, you will start to be able to exude confidence not only to him but to others as well. Treat him like he has treated you, like nothing.

[Spinderella]

You are doing fine. What you are going through is a normal NC anxiety. It will pass in a few days, and you will see that NC is really the best choice. Even though he sounds immature, he is not stupid. You dont need to spell it out for him. Actions speak louder than words, which is why NC works. You can tell him til you're blue in the fact that you are taking a break from him and all the reasons why, but, all he will see is tht you are speaking to him. If you NC then he begins to slowly understand that you are not going to settle for being treated like dirt. It might not change his behaviour, but, it will certainly make him think.

He wont forget about you because youre doing NC, if anything, he will think about you more. If somebody is always there, then you no longer really have to think about them, theyre just there. Even the most respectful couples fall into this rut. Its called being taken for granted. If you are not there, then suddenly, something has changed in his life. He will have to think about it.

Just dont make the mistake of breaking NC just to see if things have changed. He will need a while to process this information. At least a month or two. He may begin contacting you alot more soon, dont reply. If he doesnt contact you, dont panic, it just means he thinks it is a game, that he is better at.

Just keep up the NC, you are doing well.

[gonetildecember]

Upsetandhurt

 

I don't know what it is that bring me back- maybe it's the memories and knowlegde that it wasn't always like this. It is hard to let go, but I just see potential still and its hard to forget about that. He says he doesn't want a girlfriend, but 60% of the time, his actions say something else, when he is around and we spend days together and talk for hours... he attributes it more to being confused. He claims he is supposed to be focussing on work and didnt like that near our breakup he was neglecting me for that and didn't want me going through that.

 

If it was as simple as him saying we're done, i could walk away, if someone makes it that clear- there is nothing for me to work for. But it's his mixed messages; jealousy, wanting to spend time, talking for hours, telling me he loves me and misses me, asking mutual friends about me that makes me think that maybe if i just held out a little longer, i could get some results.

 

I'm not going to push anymore, because I feel that is beneath me, I'm trying to NC and attempting to stick to it, i was just unclear of how to go about it this situation where he usually calls every few days or so.. id didnt know if i should tell him im going NC or if i was supposed to answer sometimes...

 

Spin.

Thanks so much for your kind words. I know its just the anxiety setting in, it makes it hard knowing that i'm taking a risk, and might not get the results I want. I have to see him next Saturday, I'm promoting an event and he is a DJ, how do I act in that situation?

[Spinderella]

GTD,

The fact remains, that it is unfair of him to treat you that way. He may be genuinely confused, and I do feel for those who are. But, still, by you sticking around, it says that it is okay with you, for him to pick you up when he wants to and drop you when he wants to, and unfortunately, unfair, but true, the respect for the person who will take the treatment tends to diminish in time.

You are taking a risk either way. You cannot say for sure that if you stick around, it will work in your favour. You also cannot say for sure that if you stick to nc you will get the outcome you desire. However, from other peoples experience you can see that nc works better than hanging around. the other benefit to nc is that you can build up your own strength and build up your life, so that if it fails, the loss won't hit as hard. AND more importantly than anything else, it does give you perspective.

handle the night when it comes. probably the best way to handle it is to be polite, but firm. if he begins saying sweet words or says he misses you or asks where you have been, just state simply that you are having some time to reflect on things, and leave it at that.

[norajane]

NC is for your benefit as well. Do you really want to be in limbo along with him, going through the ups and downs of having a nice evening with him only to not hear from him for a while? How long do you want to be his little puppet?

 

NC gives you time to get away - truly away - from him and look at your relationship and what's been happening lately in a more candid light. You will start to see how you romanticized and hoped and wished that things would work out, while he was hesitating and holding back and being reluctant. I can't imagine that gives you a whole lot of self-esteem!

 

By getting away from him, you give him the opportunity to see what life without you truly means. And you give yourself the opportunity to let go and see what else is out there! While you're stuck in limbo with him, you're ignoring all other men who might actually want to be with you 100%.

[The write one]

Depending on what you want out of this, be careful in no contact, because i went to strick NC, after luring my ex back into my life with a poem, then a request to meet up. She replied and agreed. However, when she called to set it up, I just felt it was another half assed attempt on her end so I said i'd call her back and i never did.

 

I didn't do it to be mean, I think. But i didn't want to be played with (just like your situation) she goes back and forth, hot and cold with me, when we're talking or together and its so damn fustrating. so i fugure i'd give her her time, since she too gave me the "i'm confused" line.

 

It's now going on three weeks since i've heard from her and she didn't even call on Thanksgiving (very important American day of celebration). That sh** hurt and it still hurts and my panicing goes back and forth. I can't sleep because i feel like she has forgotten about me and moved on or i was so mean not to call her back or call her on Thanksgiving.

 

On the flip side, don't let them have their cake and eat it too is what i say. and that's not a game. While i do want her back, I keep thinking that i already gave this woman 8 good years of my life, moved to her city, left everything for her, porposed and everything else in between. I gave my all and have already faught for this relationship, but she shut off and wasn't willing to work things out.

 

So let them do the reachin, while you do the thinkin, ya know. Ask your self is this person really who you want in your life?

[xo_Lost In Love_xo]

This is very hard to do... My ex was very indecisive and our relationship was off and on for quite a while. I loved him very much, but it hurt that he made me at times feel as if he didn't want me. Finally, I took some space and didn't call him at all and tried to get him off of my mind. I TOLD YOU IT'S HARD... but you HAVE to move forward and be sociable... meet new people. Once I did this, he too was jealous.... but it taught him a lesson the hard way. Over a period of 2-3 months he has turned around. He stays home all the time now and won't date anyone... "he's waiting for me"... he realized that he screwed up and loves me with all of his heart... and that he wants his future to be with me. As the old saying goes: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT TIL IT'S GONE.

And you don't have to stay gone... if it's love... you two will end up back together with lessons learned.

[gonetildecember]

Thanks so much for your quick replies- you guys are the best.

I truely believe NC is the way to go in my case because, nothing else has worked, and it gets me down that I put up with it. I have realized that it will keep going in a circle, but i'm just so scared to let go and take that chance.

 

I'm just worried about myself and handling it IF and WHEN he calls. The last time we talked I told him that I wasn't going to fight for someone who was fighting for me anymore, and that I was going to give him space, but I have said that before- and he just calls and asks why I'm being so distant. I'm prepared to stick to it this time, but I mean, do i set a time limit on how long I'm going NC.. or do I wait for a certain amount of calls... or am I supposed to wait for a GRAND gesture... how will I know when he is actually making the effort (if things turn out well and it comes to that)

 

the write one, i feel you on the sleepless nights, i worry that NC will drive him away because he hasn't been one to make BIG attempts or grand gestures in the past. im scared he will attribute my disappearing to disinterest. But then again, i also have those sleepless nights now, wondering when he will call or what he's doing.. so I guess I'm going to handle this.

[Guest]

Thanks so much for your quick replies- you guys are the best.

I truly believe NC is the way to go in my case because, nothing else has worked, and it gets me down that I put up with it. I have realized that it will keep going in a circle, but i'm just so scared to let go and take that chance.

 

I'm just worried about myself and handling it IF and WHEN he calls. The last time we talked I told him that I wasn't going to fight for someone who was fighting for me anymore, and that I was going to give him space, but I have said that before- and he just calls and asks why I'm being so distant. I'm prepared to stick to it this time, but I mean, do i set a time limit on how long I'm going NC.. or do I wait for a certain amount of calls... or am I supposed to wait for a GRAND gesture... how will I know when he is actually making the effort (if things turn out well and it comes to that)

 

the write one, i feel you on the sleepless nights, i worry that NC will drive him away because he hasn't been one to make BIG attempts or grand gestures in the past. im scared he will attribute my disappearing to disinterest. But then again, i also have those sleepless nights now, wondering when he will call or what he's doing.. so I guess I'm going to handle this.

 

also me, should i try things before doing NC? like i made a plan..get him to talk to my aunt maybe he'll see what a fair chance is..if that doesn't work give it a few days to a week before trying (long enough?) then trying to see him then doing NC for longer..i'm terrified he'll forget..eh..i just know that if he gives me second chance he won't regret b/c i know what i did now..and i kow how to fix it

[gonetildecember]

Guest:

I'm not sure if you're supposed to tell em first, some say yes, some say no.

Maybe a nice poster will answer our question.

 

 

Just to update, I've been NC for a week and two days now, and although I have the occasional reminiscent day dream where I get really sad and wonder if i'm doing the right thing.. i've been to preoccupied with exams to do my usual sitting by the phone. I'm not sure if I should have told him.. "that this doesn't work for me, so call me if you ever want to be serious" or something like that.. i didn't. The last time we went talked, he was heading out and so was I and we spent like 20 minutes on the phone. it ended with me saying have a good night and be careful, and he said u too k, i love you...

 

and like i mentionned before.. its not uncommon for us not to talk for a week.. so does this really have any effect on him at all?! should i have told him, or made some sort of grand gesture or last call before i went NC.. or did i handle things okay?

[D-Lish]

No, you don't contact someone to tell them you're cutting off contact... and you've aleady been absent for a week, so that's a week past that you've conquered. That's great.

 

You're already in NC now... so calling to tell them you're not going to continue talking to them defeats the purpose. It has more impact to just do it without warning.

 

If you're going to be at an event where he'll be- your best course of action is to get all "hottied up" and be a happy social butterfly. If you're an event promoter, this behaviour is probably second nature to you. So, work the room, laugh alot and appear to have little time for him. You can acknowledge him if he does it to you first! But keep it brief yet friendly. "Good to see you, sorry, I'm busy, talk soon" kind of thing.

 

What you're creating is the "I'm happy without you" scenario...not to mention the "I have other options" angle.

 

People typically want what they think they can't have. Make him think he can't have you anymore and you'll have an impact.

 

If he chooses to contact you, just don't pick up EVERY time, don't call back immediately. Always be the one to end the conversation first...after all, you have something else to do right? Whatever you do, don't be the one to contact him at this point...not until you feel you are on equal ground again.

 

Make him think he's losing you and it will trigger a longing in him. All these tricks are about restoring the power in your favour. You already know there is interest there on his part, but you have to use that information in your favour. Instead of hoping that interest can be fostered by being available to him...use it against him and pull away.

 

But to answer your question- no, you don't inform him you're doing NC, you just do it.

[gonetildecember]

Thanks D

You're the best! That was clear and simple, just how i needed to hear it.

 

I feel ok, now that I've been doing it for a week, but I still have doubts. I guess that's normal.

 

I'm really worried about Saturday tho, I am nowhere near over him and really want things to work, but I know in order to get the right effect from NC i'm supposed to be composed and seem disinterested and like I'm in control. I just don't want things to backfire, if I successfully get to the two week mark but doing something wrong Saturday.

 

It's my event, so I will be busy and I'm usually quite social that shouldn't be hard. But for that night I am kind of his boss, what if he uses that as an excuse to talk to me?

 

I've already tried to avoid the situation, i paid his partner in advance yesterday, so I don't need to approach him then... but I've never been in the situation where I didn't speak to him or something like that. I don't want to make things even more awkward. I just feel it will be unnatural to go on as if we barely know each other.

 

I will however try my best.. have to select an awesome outfit, look my best and be on top of my game..

 

I was also worried that he wouldn't show up at all, would just bail, because he doesn't go to every event. I was kind of looking at this as my opportunity to show him that my world does not revolve around him...

 

i guess either way u can tell that i'll be biting my nails until Saturday arrives.

[D-Lish]

I don't think you have to ignore him... just let him come to you. or if you have to tell him something, just be all business.

And when you talk to him, just be natural and friendly, you don't want to appear sad or act like you miss him.... because he'll walk away that evening knowing he still has the power.

 

Confidence is attractive. If you're working the room at the event, appearing to have a great time...he's going to take notice, and he's going to want to be a part of it.

 

He can't make up his mind? Fine... you just want to create the appearance that you're not waiting around and that you look like you are moving on.

 

As long as he knows you are available to him, he's not going to be forced to make a move. What you're doing here is playing the unpredictable angle- friendly, yet indifferent. When it begins to sink in that he may be losing you, it will force his emotions into panic mode. All of a sudden, you are becoming the rejector instead of the rejected. He'll wonder if you are losing interest, if there is someone else.

 

He will not forget you, it will in fact have the opposite effect.

 

Even if he decides to bail on the event, remain in NC mode... and act unphased by him backing out. I know it's terrible to suggest playing such games... But there's no doubt in my mind that playing hardball is going to work in your favour on this one.

 

Keep busy this week... you're going to want to call, but don't do it.

Remember, aloof, indifference. You can talk to him sometimes when he calls, just not all the time... you've got places to go and people to see right? Life moves on without him... AND, ALWAYS be the one to say "I gotta go" first. ALWAYS!

 

You're doing really well so far!

D

[gonetildecember]

I don't think you have to ignore him... just let him come to you. or if you have to tell him something, just be all business.

And when you talk to him, just be natural and friendly, you don't want to appear sad or act like you miss him.... because he'll walk away that evening knowing he still has the power.

 

Confidence is attractive. If you're working the room at the event, appearing to have a great time...he's going to take notice, and he's going to want to be a part of it.

 

He can't make up his mind? Fine... you just want to create the appearance that you're not waiting around and that you look like you are moving on.

 

As long as he knows you are available to him, he's not going to be forced to make a move. What you're doing here is playing the unpredictable angle- friendly, yet indifferent. When it begins to sink in that he may be losing you, it will force his emotions into panic mode. All of a sudden, you are becoming the rejector instead of the rejected. He'll wonder if you are losing interest, if there is someone else.

 

He will not forget you, it will in fact have the opposite effect.

 

Even if he decides to bail on the event, remain in NC mode... and act unphased by him backing out. I know it's terrible to suggest playing such games... But there's no doubt in my mind that playing hardball is going to work in your favour on this one.

 

Keep busy this week... you're going to want to call, but don't do it.

Remember, aloof, indifference. You can talk to him sometimes when he calls, just not all the time... you've got places to go and people to see right? Life moves on without him... AND, ALWAYS be the one to say "I gotta go" first. ALWAYS!

 

You're doing really well so far!

D

 

I'm going to try my best to get through this week without any setbacks, i guess it helps that i have three midterms and a huge event happening.. hopefully i'll be too preoccupied.

 

I'm really hoping her does show, because 1) i miss him and of course want to see him (but he won't know that lol) and 2) i really hope that my doing a 100% turn around will make him wonder (he's used to me being around when he wants and showing interest)

 

And after i thought about it, me acting as if i didn't care has made a difference.. when i started seeing someone else.. he came back and was consistent for quite some time.. it's happened more than once.. but i can never follow through.. i always run back and let him know that my feelings for him haven't changed... i'm just hoping that it's not too late...and i haven't let things go to far before showing him that I'm serious.

 

I don't want to be that girl anymore, the one that sits there waiting- but i do love him and want it to work out..I'm just praying i can pull myself together and that things will come off productively- i did get great marks in drama class lol

 

It is hard, but i keep telling myself that i'm doing it for the greater good.. and if he still hasn't called in a year and as tragic as it may sound i still want him back then, i have his number- and can always try another angle then lol.. but hopefully it doesn't come down to that..

 

I'm really hoping I can follow through and get the desired results out of NC.

[gonetildecember]

ok.. so u know how i said last night that i hope he doesn't call all week.. when do things ever work out as planned.

 

I had a missed private call at like 7 this morning.. something he usually does when he calls.. so i'm thinking it was him. (so i didnt answer that one- i didn't hear it)

 

then he messaged me on msn and said "pop pop" i'm guessing now that's our little thing lol..

so i decided not to respond.

then ONE minute later he said.. don't say i don't talk to u- i try

WELL. i was just going to not respond.. but that got me SO mad.. because if he wanted to try he could call unblocked or come to my house or call my house phone.. it's not like he doesn't know a million other ways to TRY.

so i waited 5 minutes, went to the comp and said "hey"

no response 5 minutes later, so i assumed he was away or had gone (because he was appearing offline when he sent me the message)

 

so i said. "i guess ur gone. and naw, i can say you don't try.. trying involves effort. later"

 

I know im supposed to be cool, calm and collected.. was that bad?! wrong?! i'm usually super nice to him when he does his disappearing acts.. it was just the fact that he said he TRIED that made me go crazy

 

i'm scared that he thinks that i hate him or he'll not talk to me at all.. even tho my friend said it wasn't bad and i over react.. any ideas?

 

also there was a pic of me and a guy friend of mine on my display at the time...

 

?? HELP??

D-Lish, Kamille, BannaBee...anyone?! lol

[norajane]

You have got to stop taking the bait! With just a partial sentence, he made you crazy and now you're all freaked out and upset about what he might be thinking. And after you took the bait, he just dropped you without the courtesy of a reply.

 

NC means NC. You DO NOT respond to his contacts AT ALL.

 

Now, he knows he's still got you on the string, regardless of what you said to him. He knows he can get a rise out of you whenever he wants. He's being manipulative with the whole "trying" thing. And you fell for it. And he knows it. And he knows you'll keep falling for it. That's why you have to SHOW him that you won't, by not responding to his crappy, half-hearted efforts at "trying".

[gonetildecember]

See that's where i see discrepancies.. some ppl say i can respond if he makes contact.. just don't seem too available.. so i waited a bit, and just said hey and then my last piece..

 

and then others say no contact at all..

 

which one is it?

 

it's not as much he has affected me .. even tho i'm worried that he might take that harshly because i have never responded like that...

im more worried that i set the NC process back..

[norajane]

Well, you did set the NC process back. Your reply to his half-assed whatever that was contact, shows him that you are talking to him whenever he wants.

 

Where was the NC exactly? You waiting a whole 5 minutes does not give him the message that you aren't going to be there for him whenever he crooks his little finger.

 

Maybe it would be best if you told him that you can't deal with this anymore, and you need some time away from him. Then STICK TO IT. Don't contact him, and if he contacts you, don't reply! Maybe you can answer ONE phone call if he actually has something to say, but only one, and only after he's tried to contact you multiple times.

 

Do not reply to texts and emails, because that is one-sided conversation and an easy cop out.

[Spinderella]

Block him on MSN and you won't have these problems.

[gonetildecember]

ok. i did the MSN blocking..

and norajane you asked where the NC was?

i haven't called him in over a week, which was huge for me.. the three private calls i've gotten this week (he is the only person that calls private) I haven't answered.. and i haven't been sitting at the phone.. u might think that i just jumped in and answered, but i felt i did make some progress.

 

the fact that i responded this morning was a setback, but i don't feel it's as bad as you make it out to be. i'm probably back at square one, but if i can make it to saturday and pull things off well, i'll still be happy with how i've acted.

 

it's not the easiest thing in the world, but i am trying.