he calls- but its not enough and i miss him

[Spinderella]

How did you feel after this setback? Hopefully, it has made you more determined to stick with the NC.

[norajane]

it's not the easiest thing in the world, but i am trying.

 

Ok, but what are you trying to do, exactly? What is the point of all this? Do you want him to go away completely, or do you want him to finally decide to commit to being your boyfriend and being attentive to you?

 

Since he's the one who isn't sure he even wants a girlfriend, yet gets in touch with you when he feels like it, anytime you reply to him, he will get the message that you're still around for him and he can have you when he wants you. That's why I recommend full NC.

 

But I think you need to tell him what you're doing or he won't get it. He has no idea that you're in NC...esp since you have replied to him! This guy needs to know that you want him to make a decision, and unless he decides he wants to be your boyfriend and act like a boyfriend, you don't want to have anything to do with him.

 

Once you've told him that, then go full NC. No calls, no nothing. And if he contacts you a week later, ignore him. He needs some serious time alone to think about what life without you would be like and if he wants that or if he wants to make an effort to have you in his life. Maybe if he calls after a month of no contact at all - CALLS, no IM or email - you can take that call only to find out if he's made a decision. If he doesn't call, forget it. Do not call him to find out if he's made a decision or is still thinking.

 

But you first have to tell him you don't want to hear from him anymore unless he's decided he wants to be your boyfriend.

[Kamille]

Hi GTD, while I agree with Norajane and Spin that you should do your best and avoid taking the bait, i want to congratulate you for making it clear that you will not settle for 'scraps'.

i can say you don't try.. trying involves effort.

 

I'm kind of thinking you should click on Alpha's profile and read everything he has to say about 'nice guys' never getting the girls because, even if I don't believe it's a simple nice-bad guy/gal dichotomy, I do believe the same rules apply to women as to men. The fact of the matter is, guys don't fall for a girl because she's nice. If anything, trying to convince him to stay by being too understanding or too nice is what has allowed him not to evolve in this relationship (I'm sorry, I'm stuck on the fact that he sounds like he has some growing up to do - and you sound so mature and together).

 

 

Don't worry about being nice or hurting him. You are standing up for yourself after a relationship that has left you unhappy. You are setting your own boundaries and standards. You are figuring out what you need in a relationship to be happy and I believe that after a period of NC, you will realize that as much as you love him, and as funny and amusing as he may be, he does not cut it for you.

 

Because love is action. Love is something couples build together.

 

Anyways, good job on the NC. It is hard and confusing and yes, it's easy to 'relapse'. Do follow your heart on this one - but don't fall for his half-baked attempts at contact. Think about what it is that you want in a relationship (with him or anyone), work on believing that you fully deserve that relationship you fantasize about, and make sure he lives up to your standards. (It also means that you have to work at being confortable asking for what it is you need in a relationship, and it also means that you have to recognize when a relationship is not working for you.)

[gonetildecember]

spin...

after the set-back i do feel kind of disappointed in myself. i really wanted to stick to it. hopefully i can get things back on track.

 

norajane...

ultimately i do wish to get him back and to make him finally come to a decision.. whether that decision is to be with me or not, i can handle it- i'm just sick of waiting

i do think that telling him is a good idea, because otherwise he probably would just think i was busy and not calling- we've gone as loon as 2 weeks or so.. so i think i should tell him in order to get the full effect. (ill let u know how it goes)

 

kamille...

i know i have to stop falling for it, im just so worried that this is going to push him away even more..and make him forget about me

..but i have realised it isn't working for me anymore, so i guess this is the chance that i have to take.

[gonetildecember]

so i called.. he didn't pick up.. so either he didn't answer or he was already asleep (its about 1am here)...

 

i left a msg saying, "if ur up call me back.. if not.. try giving me a call before u go to work..i need to run something by you... i'd appreciate it..."

 

any ideas on what i should say when/if he calls tomorrow? how i should phrase it?

[Spinderella]

norajane...

ultimately i do wish to get him back and to make him finally come to a decision.. whether that decision is to be with me or not, i can handle it- i'm just sick of waiting

i do think that telling him is a good idea, because otherwise he probably would just think i was busy and not calling- we've gone as loon as 2 weeks or so.. so i think i should tell him in order to get the full effect. (ill let u know how it goes)

But this is giving him the complete control all over again.

It was a good post by Kamille and what she was trying to say is that people do not respect those they can easily control. Its not that I think you should even worry what he thinks of you, because, I don't, I think you could do better than him (as he is being and treating you). BUT since you do worry about what he thinks of you, then really, do not give him the control over you like this.

What you need to be saying, and NC was your way of saying this, is NOT, "Will you have me back?" but, "You know, with the way you are trating me, I'm not sure I want you back, and I WILL NOT even entertain the idea, unless you start to treat me with respect".

kamille...

i know i have to stop falling for it, im just so worried that this is going to push him away even more..and make him forget about me

..but i have realised it isn't working for me anymore, so i guess this is the chance that i have to take.

I see what you are saying. Perhaps it is best you ask him straight out, "Are you going to get your act together, or what?"

[Spinderella]

so i called.. he didn't pick up.. so either he didn't answer or he was already asleep (its about 1am here)...

 

i left a msg saying, "if ur up call me back.. if not.. try giving me a call before u go to work..i need to run something by you... i'd appreciate it..."

 

any ideas on what i should say when/if he calls tomorrow? how i should phrase it?

 

If you are determined to do this, then just say something like "Either we try and make it work or we don't, so do you want to or don't you, because you are wasting my time"

Some other people may have some suggestions, but I think, keep it simple, and to the point, and let him know that you don't have the time to wait around for him.

[Kamille]

If you are determined to do this, then just say something like "Either we try and make it work or we don't, so do you want to or don't you, because you are wasting my time"

Some other people may have some suggestions, but I think, keep it simple, and to the point, and let him know that you don't have the time to wait around for him.

 

GTD, good for you for wanting to put your cards on the table.

 

I completely agree with Spinderella, you want to approach this not as : "will he make up his mind" but more as "are you going to get your act together or not".

 

I don't like the fact that you will have to be ready for whenever he decided to return the phone call. That's nervewraking! still, here's yoga advice: when he does call, remember to take deep breaths.

 

Also, take time right now to make a list of what it is that you expect from a partner in relationship and how you expect to be treated by a partner. When he does call, do tell him this. Be clear and don't accuse him. You are simply stating what it is that you need. And remember that the man who can be there for you will be able to provide you with the support that you need, and will want to commit to helping the two of you work through challenges together. Also remember that it probably is no longer clear to your ex, if it was ever, what your boundaries are.

 

Good luck, we're here for you girl! And remember, you are the prize. (Follow D-lish's threads and you will get that one). Be strong!

[norajane]

My recommendation for what to say is to just tell him that you don't want to see him anymore because he's not acting like a boyfriend and you just don't feel the need to put up with his back-and-forth nonsense.

 

Tell him you would be willing to try having a relationship with him if he could commit to being in a relationship, but as it is, you don't want to hear from him.

 

Period.

 

By phrasing it this way, you have taken the choice away from him - YOU decided not to be with him under the circumstances. You haven't given him the impression that you'll be waiting by the phone, because you didn't ask him to contact you if he decides to be a boyfriend.

 

And this way, he will really feel the loss because you have taken yourself away from him! That's what he needs to get his head screwed on straight (if that's possible).

 

And if he does get his head screwed on straight, HE has to take the risk of calling you and getting rejected. He ought to be willing to take that risk if he really wants to be with you.

[gonetildecember]

Thank you all for your responses. They were all very helpful.

 

He called at 8:00am on the dot this morning and after wanting to know what I had been up to, I began to tell him how I felt.

 

I started by asking if he was still confused about his situation- "he said he still does not think that he wants a gf at the moment."

 

Then I said, "do you still care about/love me" and he responded yes to both, and then I said "so where do I fit into your life"?- he responded, that we were cool and that he's just chilling right now, but does not want to lose me.

 

Then he said, what is this all about: (see my NC phase had no effect on him whatsoever, he just thought things were normal)- so I said, "I just feel like I'm fighting for someone who isn't figthing for me, when you wanted to make an effort you found a way to see me, talk to me everyday and make time for me- and I just don't feel you doing that anymore. I said that even if it were true that you weren't ready to jump back into a relationship, but wanted to make sure I was still there, you would put more effort into treating me better and spending time with me."

 

He replied with "I treat you a lot better than I treat a lot of other people." WHICH MADE ME SO MAD - I said: "did you date other people, love other people, were other people pregnant with your baby- I don't want to be in that category."

 

and then he answered with- so who's the new guy, that must be the reason you're acting like this. I said it had nothing to do with other people. He then went on to try to get me to tell him who it was, and tried to make me jealous by bringing up other names.

 

So I said, ok, this is all I wanted to say to you. "I want US back, I want someone who spends time with me, calls me and answers when I call, and puts effort into seeing/being with me.- can you handle that. He said yes, but I don't want a girlfriend- he was like I AM all that right now.

 

SO I responded, You're not- when you're ready to get serious and you figure out what you want- call me. and then I hung up (this was at 10:04 am)

 

I proceeded to go to class, and when I got out there were two missed calls on my phone from his house- even though he should have been at work. I didn't call back. Then about an hour later I got a call from a private number (not assuming it was him, i answered) and he asked me where i was and why i didn't answer.. i said I was in class.

 

and then he just wanted to sit there on the phone as if nothing had happened... So after a few minutes of him making casual talk.. I said, why did you call- have you made up your mind that fast.? and he responded with "I had something to say and I forgot- it was something about what you said when you got off the phone"... I was about to say.. well I don't want you calling at all until you make a decision..then his line beeped for his sister, so he said he would call me back.. obviously in this time he went to work..so i feel like I'm back at square one.

 

But all of his trying to make me jealous and just how it seemed to be a game to him, he honestly thought it was a joke or had to be about someone else, like I couldn't just want to leave because he was being an ass made me SICK.

 

He leaves his phone off at work, so I'm going to call as soon as I get myself together in a few hours.. and just say "Being one of the contenders (girls names he threw in to get me jealous-even tho I know nothing is going on) isn't for me... so I'm going to gracefully bow out and let you handle whatever it is that you need to. If you ever decide you want to be serious and actually make an effort to be with me, give me a call.. and if I'm still available, maybe we can see if it can work, but I don't want to hear from you until then- even if it means that I never hear from you."

 

and i'll leave it at that... and then (i know for a fact he is coming saturday) i will have to be on top of my game and attempt to show him that i am committed to this decision 100%.

 

what do you guys think?

[Spinderella]

I Think he is playing you, and it works.

You don't need to explain ANYTHING to him. He knows it all. BUT actions speak louder than words, and one week of NC is nothing. He may have thought well he is losing you, but, as SOON as you called him and responded on msn, he knew he wasn't.

He knows what games work with you. All he has to do is say one little thing on msn, and you reply. Then he can leave it at that, and look what happens. You start speaking to him again, contacting him, waiting for his calls, etc. From that one small action on his part.

He doesn't really HAVE to put much effort in does he?

Then, you ended the conversation on a threat, and he got a bit worried, called you a few times, but as soon as he got through to you, he just had to leave a little comment designed to give you hope, and there you are planning to call him all over again and give him another chance.

Sorry to be harsh, but, you need to stop contacting him, or responding to his contact COMPLETELY. Total NC. You dont need to explain it all to him again. Actions speak louder than words, especially to men. Don't say anything, at all.

[gonetildecember]

I didn't even need to hear it- Because I have realized- but thanks for saying SPIN.

 

He knows exactly how to push my buttons, and he suceeds everytime. SO now I am even more committed to sticking to NC. I left the message, as my final message saying that I don't want him to call unless he's really ready to try at the relationship and put in real effort. I said random messages on MSN don't count and block calls don't count either. I told him not to contact me until he knows what he wants and wants to work at it- even if that means I never hear from him again.

 

I really can't keep doing this. As much as it hurts to walk away from him, it hurts me even more to have to continue my life in limbo. I just have to pull myself together and stick to NC. Saturday will be my first test of that, so hopefully I can stick to the suggestions D-Lish gave me about being on top of my game, acting aloof and showing him that I know that I don't NEED him.

 

It is driving me crazy though.

[CaliGuy]

I started by asking if he was still confused about his situation- "he said he still does not think that he wants a gf at the moment."

 

Then I said, "do you still care about/love me" and he responded yes to both, and then I said "so where do I fit into your life"?- he responded, that we were cool and that he's just chilling right now, but does not want to lose me.

.

.

.

.

.

what do you guys think?

 

Well, IMHO, he's keeping you on a string. While he goes out and plays the field to see if he can find someone "better" for him, he's keeping you around as his "second or third" choice.

 

I have some advice for you. "Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option."

 

If this guy really loved you, I mean REALLY loved you, he'd be with you now. But he's not. His actions and his words don't coincide. NEVER believe what someone says to you, believe what they DO because their actions tell you where their heart lies.

 

If I were you I would go NC immediately. You need to focus on yourself and getting over him. Even if you were to get back together right now it would just fail again because you'd fall into the same routine that you had before.

 

You need to heal up so that your confidence and self-esteem returns and you don't feel like you "need" him anymore.

 

I've been in your shoes before but it was all lies. All she wanted to know was that I would be a "backup" plan for her in case things didn't work out with someone else. That's NOT a good place to be. As long as you cling to this guy and his indifference you'll never heal.

 

Break it off, work on yourself and leave this guy in the dust. Unless of course you're happy being "plan b" in someone's life.

[Kamille]

argh! I can't help wonder how it is that he is blind to the fact that he has been and continues to be incredibly unfair to you. The word self-centred comes to mind. He says he doesn't want to be a boyfriend right now? I never really understood what that meant, except it's safe to say that it means he's aware that he's not offering you everything you deserve. And for some reason, does not want to offer you everything you deserve.

 

And why does he keep playing the jealous of 'other guy's' card? I think this is emotional blackmail on his part. It's a weak and possessive way of telling you that he does care, without him actually having to show and act like he cares. Don't buy it. He wouldn't have to be jealous if he actually decided to be with you. He brings on his jealousy himself. His problem, his issues.

 

There is a man out there who would be outraged to think that a guy could leave you, YOU, hanging on like that for months on ends. The fact your ex doesn't realize it, or does but doesn't want to snap out of it, the fact that he is just completely happy keeping you on hold and is not even willing to take responsibility for how unfair this is, well,... who does he think he is, really?

 

I still don't understand why you want to be with this guy. Why do you want to be with this guy GTD?

[gonetildecember]

caliguy..

 

Thank you for your honest opinion. To tell you the truth I can see exactly what you mean. It's as if he doesn't think about me (despite the fact that he says he does) and only comes around if he's lonely or feels like I'm actually serious about leaving. I know what it's like to love someone completely, I want to talk to him as much as i can- and I know if he actually loved me he would be here. Don't get me wrong, I can understand he has his issues and all of his excuses about putting work first, but I go to school full time, work two jobs, have a whole bunch of other responsibilities, and still always found time for him.

 

Don't get me wrong, I know that he cares and maybe even in his own way loves me- but it's not the same and I hate it. I don't want to lose him, I really don't but I agree that immediate NC is my only option. I find it so hard to walk away from someone that you care about tho.

 

But it's true.. for me right now.. I keep questioning myself and what I'm doing wrong- and never really thought the problem may be with him. I do need to work on rebuilding my self esteem and maybe then it will be easier for me to stand up for myself.

 

kamille...

I think in some warped sense he doesn't see what he's doing...he knows that I'm not happy with the way things are.. but from talking to him yesterday he honestly thinks that by continuing to give me little bits of him.. while he "gets himself together" (according to him) he is doing nothing wrong.

 

The jealousy thing.. I don't know.. he goes crazy about it some time.. to the point that he'll call private so he can listen to see if anyone else is around- despite the fact that he has told me he doesn't want a gf at the moment.

 

and to answer your question about why i want to be with him.. i can tell you that i love him.. but even that has it's boundaries. When i sit and think about the situation i say "K- what the hell are you doing" but all the good memories and the little things that he does and my knowledge that it wasn't always like this keeps me hanging on.. as sad as that is.

[Spinderella]

I think in some warped sense he doesn't see what he's doing...he knows that I'm not happy with the way things are.. but from talking to him yesterday he honestly thinks that by continuing to give me little bits of him.. while he "gets himself together" (according to him) he is doing nothing wrong.

Well in a way he isn't doing anything wrong. He has told you the truth. BUT, it clearly is not compatible with what you want. Unless you set the boundaries, this is all you will get. AND unless he gets to experience being without a girlfriend, he is not going to know whether he does want a girlfriend or not. At the moment life without a girlfriend, is pretty much the same as life with a girlfriend without having to put any effort in or make any compromises. Sounds ok doesn't it?

Let him really see what life without you is like, let him see the reality of life without a girlfriend, and then he can make a decision based on reality. That means, life really KNOWING that you are NOT an option. It will take a good while for that to sink in, because from his experience, which is what he will base the present on, you not speaking to him for a week or so, doesn't mean anything, and you telling him it is over, doesn't mean anything.

Good luck for tonight. Once that is out of the way then NC will be much easier to stick to.

[gonetildecember]

Thanks Spin I appreciate the advice.

 

I'm making myself sick thinking about how things are going to happen tonight, but I'm happy I'll be too preoccupied to even have time to pay him any attention.

 

It's true... life without a gf, is the exact same for him pretty much- in terms of the things I do and how I act, but its actually better for him- he doesn't have to work as hard. I'm going to have to put a lot of effort into showing him/acting like he doesn't have me as an option tonight.

 

Hopefully tonight I'll make some headway and get off to a good start- I'll let you know how it went.

 

Thanks again.

[gonetildecember]

It's been so long since I've posted- and I know I was supposed to let you guys know how things went with my ex at the event- so I am now. I got into a car accident, and have been in between the hospital and bed rest for the past few weeks.. but I'm doing a lot better, so I thought I'd update you.

 

That night went completely against my plan.. He came up to me and said hello and I tried to act unaffected.. but by the end of the night.. we had somehow made plans for the next night. He asked- and he made sucha big deal about promising this time would be different and that he missed me- and then he stood me up.. without even calling. the next day he called and said he was so sorry and that something came up- and said he wanted to make it up to me. but i had to go to him.. i had enough and i said, i didn't stand you up, so if you want to see me, you can come here... he didn't- and I didn't.. and I was so proud of myself.

 

a got into the accident a few days later... i called him a few days after .. he didn't answer.. so I just left a msg saying.. call me back if you can.. he didn't. a few days later I guess he heard about it from someone else.. and called and was mad I had not told him.. he said i should have left a msg saying i got into an accident and he was hurt having to hear it from someone else because it made him feel like just an other ordinary guy in my life.. i responded with i shouldn't have to tell you theres an emergency for you to call.. it was his own fault he didn't call back when he got the msg.

 

Anyways he told me he would try to come visit me the next day as I was on bed rest- and never did and didnt call before he went away for xmas. This morning (new years day) he sent an text saying Happy New Year- I responded and said nothing else.

 

i just feel like I've wasted so much time on him, and am so sick of it. I haven't called and have been practicing limited contact.. and I feel so much better, altho I do have my moments when I miss him and feel weak and like calling.. but I know he's not giving me enough.. I'm ready to close this chapter and if it is meant to be, a few years down the road or something if he gets himself together.. maybe things can happen again.. but I want to start my new year off as a happy single female and I feel that letting go of him is the only way that I can do that.

 

happy new year everyone!

[CaliGuy]

Thank you for your honest opinion. To tell you the truth I can see exactly what you mean. It's as if he doesn't think about me (despite the fact that he says he does) and only comes around if he's lonely or feels like I'm actually serious about leaving. I know what it's like to love someone completely, I want to talk to him as much as i can- and I know if he actually loved me he would be here. Don't get me wrong, I can understand he has his issues and all of his excuses about putting work first, but I go to school full time, work two jobs, have a whole bunch of other responsibilities, and still always found time for him.

 

Don't get me wrong, I know that he cares and maybe even in his own way loves me- but it's not the same and I hate it. I don't want to lose him, I really don't but I agree that immediate NC is my only option. I find it so hard to walk away from someone that you care about tho.

 

But it's true.. for me right now.. I keep questioning myself and what I'm doing wrong- and never really thought the problem may be with him. I do need to work on rebuilding my self esteem and maybe then it will be easier for me to stand up for myself.

 

Let me ask you something.

 

How do you expect him to love and respect you if you don't love and respect yourself enough to say "This is BS and I am walking!"

 

See, respect precedes love. Without respect there is no foundation for love.

 

He's not respecting you and he is not acting like a man who truly loves you. Your needs aren't being met in this relationship. Isn't it time you did something about it?

[gonetildecember]

It's so true, Caliguy.

I DO see that. In the last couple of weeks our relationship has transitioned. It's not like we are "on a break" anymore and might get back together. For me now it's done, and of course I'd like it to work out again, but I'm SO TIRED of fighting for someone that doesn't fight for me and giving to someone that doesnt give to me. I can't make him a priority anymore, because I can tell that I'm only an option; although he tries to tell me different. But I can tell on my own, because I can clearly see the difference between how I am treated now, and how he used to treat me.

 

And I'd like to think that me going NC or something like that will have an effect on him, but to tell you the truth- I think this situation is DIFFERENT. I know everyone says that.. but we have gone for a month without talking just because... I don't know what actions will get him to shape up, if any.

 

I know he can see the difference in my actions as well, because when he used to leave after we'd see each other.. I'd say things like.. "can't you stay 5 minutes longer", but when he left yesterday, I just said bye. And I think that shook him, because he texted me a few hours later and said.. "did you have fun?" Or maybe I'm reading too much into it and he was just asking...

 

who knows.. i'm so sick of it.. I wish things were easier.