What now....

[brokenwithouther]

Hi all

 

I know you guys get a lot of these threads but I am glad that you never stop reading them.

 

Just a little backstory first:

 

I am 27 my wife is 24 we have been together for 2 years and married for 1. Both previously married. Both with kid(s) from that. We both work two jobs and she goes to school during the day. I am also getting ready to start school again but may not (at least for the time being) depending on what happens with us.

 

During the past couple of years we've had our ups and downs (I guess everyone does but when something like this happens it doesn't feel like it). Lately though it had become ridiculous. We were fighting all the time with the exception of the past three weeks (which have been surprisingly good).

 

In any case I got home from work Saturday night. She arrived home shortly there after. She went upstairs and put her daughter to bed and came back downstairs. She sat down and we began talking about school and things. Then she made that statement that she was going to school with or without me. This struck me as odd because I have always support her 10000% with her school. After that statement we got into a little tiff but it subsided. I went to eat a snack and went back to the living room.

 

She was reading a book but I couldn't get that statement out of my head. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she felt like we got married to soon. I asked why she didn't tell me this sooner to which she replied she didn't want to hurt me. We spent the next 4 hours talking / crying. She said she loves me but that shes not in love with me but that she wants to be. She said that we lost our friendship and we need to get back to that. She left that night and has been staying with her girlfriend ever since.

 

I am so confused about all of this. She says she doesn't want to get a divorce and even went so far as begging me to not file papers! She says she wants this to work. She said that she just needs some time. She says we need to go to a marriage counselor and I am going to call as soon as they open up.

 

I just don't know what to do or how to act towards her. Should I call her? Should I let her call me? I try not to act sad when I see her (which has only been once since Saturday). Although I do get to see her today. Should I act like nothings wrong?

 

I am having a hard time not setting myself up for the worst here. She says all of those things about making this work but I am so scared. This is how I got burned last time and I am petrified to go through anymore hurt than I am right now. I guess my self defeating logic is that you never know what's going to happen until it happens.

 

I miss her SOOOOOOOO much. I can't seem to function properly. I can't concentrate on work. I can't sleep. How do you all, that have been or are, going through something like this make it through each day?

 

Any help or advice is greatly appreciated.

[hopeto]

It is not easy. I have been married for 15and sated for 3 so a total of 18 years and I am about to go through the big "D". this is my first marriage and it will be my last. I will not go through this again. my advice to you is that you need to go to get some help!!!!! she has agreed to go so go.

 

make sure you find someone to do this seperate on the first several sessions and then together!!! this way you can feel free to say what you want and the other not hear and then let the counslor help bring it together..... this is very important,very important. you must find what is wrong with you first!!!!! also same for her!!!!!!!! then he/she can bring it together for you. it never works when you go together!!!

 

you said she has a daughter right...... and she goes to school and works.... well she may not have time to call every day. just like you. However it is no excuse that you dont talk. the longer this goes on you will grow apart and then will probly hopeless. as far as making it through the day....WHO DOES. then only advice I can give it take it one day at a time!!! do not look into the future or the past. one day at a time.

 

God never promisses tomorrow and yesterday is gone so you need to focus on today. if you feel like you want to call her then do so. now is not the time to show the mouncho man. you see this is were men get confused...we as women love to see the softer side and see compassion,love etc. we also like to see you strong but when you are week we wont to know that we can love you back to safty and to let you know you are the one that has a wonderful life.

 

I just wished that my marriage would have worked out but even now I still love him but all he sees is what he wants and nothing more than that. you can read some of my posts to see just why my marriage has not worked. if you love her show her. just as she should show you. it is ok to be humble and to want her and to love her and to make her feel like she is the only one for you. as she should do for you.

 

find what you have lost and listen to what she says. the key is to listen. you said she wants to have that special friend back. cort her like you would have before you were married. just because you have the paper that she carries your last name does not mean you need to get so confortable that you let it slip. not sure what else to say except that I wish you well and I hope it works out for you. I will pray for your family.

[brokenwithouther]

It is not easy. I have been married for 15and sated for 3 so a total of 18 years and I am about to go through the big "D". this is my first marriage and it will be my last. I will not go through this again. my advice to you is that you need to go to get some help!!!!! she has agreed to go so go.

 

make sure you find someone to do this seperate on the first several sessions and then together!!! this way you can feel free to say what you want and the other not hear and then let the counslor help bring it together..... this is very important,very important. you must find what is wrong with you first!!!!! also same for her!!!!!!!! then he/she can bring it together for you. it never works when you go together!!!

 

you said she has a daughter right...... and she goes to school and works.... well she may not have time to call every day. just like you. However it is no excuse that you dont talk. the longer this goes on you will grow apart and then will probly hopeless. as far as making it through the day....WHO DOES. then only advice I can give it take it one day at a time!!! do not look into the future or the past. one day at a time.

 

God never promisses tomorrow and yesterday is gone so you need to focus on today. if you feel like you want to call her then do so. now is not the time to show the mouncho man. you see this is were men get confused...we as women love to see the softer side and see compassion,love etc. we also like to see you strong but when you are week we wont to know that we can love you back to safty and to let you know you are the one that has a wonderful life.

 

I just wished that my marriage would have worked out but even now I still love him but all he sees is what he wants and nothing more than that. you can read some of my posts to see just why my marriage has not worked. if you love her show her. just as she should show you. it is ok to be humble and to want her and to love her and to make her feel like she is the only one for you. as she should do for you.

 

find what you have lost and listen to what she says. the key is to listen. you said she wants to have that special friend back. cort her like you would have before you were married. just because you have the paper that she carries your last name does not mean you need to get so confortable that you let it slip. not sure what else to say except that I wish you well and I hope it works out for you. I will pray for your family.

 

 

Well we had lunch today. Things went well. She held my hand, hugged me, told me she loved me numerous times, and kissed me (I am leaving that up to her. I don't want to pressure her into showing me affection). We have an appointment tomorrow at 2pm with the counselor. I will talk to her about the seperate visits and see what she thinks. I think I need to get her input on something like that rather than make the decision alone.

 

She says she wants me to function and doesn't want to see me sad all the time. I did my best to be positive today and I think it was a vast improvement from the last time I saw her but I still had to choke back tears several times as did she. When she says thing like that though it makes me feel as if she's setting me up for something. I mentioned this to her and she said that this was not the case. I believe her and am trying to stamp out the "what ifs" in the back of my mind. I'm doing my best to live in the moment and not get carried away thinking about what has happened in the last week.

 

She stated again today that she wants this to work and will do whatever it takes to make it work, I just have to get myself past the initial hurt of this all. I have issues with security and trust (not stemming from her) that I need to work on.

 

We made a date for friday night. We are going to the store to pick up some stuff to make dinner together. I think we may even get some dancing in at some point.

 

I am worried about trying to "court her like I did before we got married". I don't want to smother her and I definitely don't want to push her away. This is so tricky and I don't want to make a wrong move.

[brokenwithouther]

I stayed at my parents house last night. It may sound silly or like I was running away from my wife and I's house but I just couldn't be there alone for another night. The house seems empty and cold without her there. It also seems the square footage of the place has doubled. Anyway I got off of work (from my 2nd job) at about 9:30. The stretch of highway that I take to get home is illuminated by streetlights but for some reason it just seemed extremely dark. The closer I got to the house the more I started to cry. My mom was kind enough to bring me some food and while my appetite isn't nearly what it was I greatly appreciated the food.

 

I reluctantly went over there not knowing if it was the right decision. My mom, stepdad, and I stayed up until about 1am talking about things. They love my wife very much and, of course, want us to work things out. I was actually able to smile a little bit which felt good but at the same time I felt as though I was betraying myself in some way. Weird huh?

 

The great thing about my parents, and I appreciate this so much, is that they are completely impartial in the situation which is what my wife and I need right now. My wife speaks to my step dad regularly. They have a very special bond. "Partners in crime" as the call themselves. I am so grateful for their friendship because she feels like she can talk to him and so do I. He doles out his analysis to each of us of independent of the other. He knows that his conversations with her are theirs and vice versa with me. As much as I want to pick his brain about all that they talk about I know that that wouldnt be fair to either one of them. He'll give us each his insight based on what the other said but nothing more and I appreciate that.

 

The days are getting a little easier to get through but it's still hard. My wife says she wants me to be able to function without her. This scares me because I feel like she is setting me up for the worst. I asked her about this and she said that this wasn't the case. This points to one of the things I need to work on: trust. It's just hard for me to trust. But I am trying and will continue to try as long as there is a sliver of hope that we can emerge from this still married. The last thing I want to do is get divorced and I think she feels the same.

 

She is supposed to take her daughter and visit family up north next week. She had asked me to go several weeks ago but I declined. I was being selfish about not going because I hold ill will to a particularly family member for the way they treated her. But I was thinking about it and that was very selfish of me. She is my wife and if she needs or wants me to go then I need to put aside all of my silly feelings and be there for her. I was torn though because I didn't want to make things worse for us because I feel like we have made some good progress over the past week yet I wanted to spend time with her. I guess that in and of itself is selfish. I guess the most appropriate way to say it is that if she wanted me there then I needed to be there.

 

As I was writing the previous paragraph she texted me and said she wanted to go by herself. I don't know what to think about that. I guess that's the selfish part of me raising it's ugly head again. If she needs time then I need to shut up and accept it and be there for her. I can still be there for her and support her decision to go by herself.

 

On happier notes. I left her a note on her car last night. I didn't expect to see her today so I just wanted her to know that I would be missing her. I got an unexpected and pleasant phone call from her in which she stated she wanted to have lunch with me again today. Needless to say I was very happy to hear this. I am also looking forward to our date friday night. We have an appointment with a counselor on Monday. I think it's step in the right direction. I am excited and scared at the same time.

 

I pray that we make it through this still together and still married. I just need to focus on the positive right now. If she wanted a divorce then I think she would have done it by now.