Is this wrong?

[Guest]

Is this wrong of my mother?

 

Today we were talking about a friend of mine and I mentioned that this friend mattered to me so much because when I was young, in high school, she had rescued me from some things that were not good.

 

So a little bit later me and my mom got into a fight about something and out of nowhere she says, "and I know you must have done something sexual with your ex-boyfriend" and then some time later "you must have been out doing sexual things when you were young for you to say that your friend rescued you."

 

The thing is, this argument we were in had NOTHING to do with ex-boyfriends, sex, men or anything utterly related to such a thing! (And when I had said my friend rescued me, I did not mean she rescued me from ANYTHING related to sex at all. She just helped me see how shallow I was as a teenager which I am thankful for because my life has been better as a result.)

 

I felt that my mothers prying was uncalled for. I am in my 20's, finished with college, and an adult. But the thing is, this was not a one time event. Growing up as a child, I got constant lectures from my mother on how I should never have sex until I am married. Then as I got older, and began to date, she began to pry, wanting to know what I had done.

 

In high school I dated an older guy, and all I got was "I know you slept with him. Tell the truth. You did something you are ashamed of, I know you did." I would tell her I did NOTHING over and over and over, and yet I was harassed to tell the truth. I did nothing with the guy except very lightly making out! For years I got it about him, even to this day. She insists I have done something and refuses to believe me.

 

She will bring up this subject from time to time, wanting to know "who did you sleep with" "what did you do that you are ashamed of" or even I have gotten very mean prodding where she has shouted at me, "who *&^$%#% you?"

 

I think this is NONE of her BUSINESS, regardless of if I was the biggest prude or the most gigantic slut, and I told her this once. I said, "this is none of you business and even if I had done something, I would not tell you because it is not your business." And she never let that statement go! All I got was, "oh, so you DID do something but you won't tell me! See, you just admitted you would not tell me?"

 

Now, I do not get this all the time, but it still comes up from time to time, and it disgusts me because I think it is wrong. It makes me feel gross, like she is so interested in my sexuality and I do not think a mother should be so interested in her daughters sexuality.

 

What is going on here? Is she wrong? Why is she like this?

[quankanne]

sounds like a control issue to me. Just tell her that is not the kind of issue – real or imagined – you discuss with your mother. If she keeps it up, ask her point blank why it's so important to her.

[Enema]

That's bizarre.

 

Maybe don't focus on the "Why" and just flat out tell her it's none of her business and stop asking you about it.

 

Leave the room, leave the house, hang up the phone or whatever. It's inappropriate for her to be talking to you like that if you're not comfortable with it.

[CardPlay3r]

Right, seems like she's verbally abusive...the wrong part is she "demanding" to know and saying stupid things like having sex is something to be ashamed of.

 

I think you need to stand up for yourself and make it clear to her she either puts a lid on it or you'll cut her from your life...if that doesn't calm her down take that step

 

Remember you're an adult, you don't have to take this b.s. from anybody!

[WoWaddict]

i really feel for you. my mother is the exact same way. she has emotionally scarred me in acting this way, because I have a hard time now with sexual feelings and feelings of love.

 

she had been doing this from when i turned 13 to the day I finally snapped on her and told her exactly what the deal was....which was when i was almost 19. I told her that she has no right to treat me that way, or talk to me that way. Just because she is the parent does not give her the right to disrespect me. I told her that she obviously knew nothing about me, if she thought I was a whore, and that what goes on in my personal life has never been and will never be any of her business.

 

We have and will always be estranged because there is no changing her. She will always be disrespectful, and petty, and degrading towards me. I have stopped trying to fix the situation altogether. I will not put an effort into having any kind of relationship with someone who refuses to show me respect, and does not care about the emotional damage she causes me.

 

She will still occasionally start up again. But I let her know that I am a grown woman, not a child, and that she does not control me. I then leave the house or hang up the phone.

 

She usually then goes running to my father like a child and makes me look like a horrible terrible person for standing up for myself.

 

 

this is just the tip of the iceberg. i have a lot of really messed up family issues. my house is neither a safe nor healthy enviornment for anyone, which I why I left the house as soon as I turned 18 (something I STILL had to do forcefully)

 

 

its all about breaking the control they have over you. you will be a much happier person when you do.

[Guest]

i really feel for you. my mother is the exact same way. she has emotionally scarred me in acting this way, because I have a hard time now with sexual feelings and feelings of love.

 

she had been doing this from when i turned 13 to the day I finally snapped on her and told her exactly what the deal was....which was when i was almost 19. I told her that she has no right to treat me that way, or talk to me that way. Just because she is the parent does not give her the right to disrespect me. I told her that she obviously knew nothing about me, if she thought I was a whore, and that what goes on in my personal life has never been and will never be any of her business.

 

We have and will always be estranged because there is no changing her. She will always be disrespectful, and petty, and degrading towards me. I have stopped trying to fix the situation altogether. I will not put an effort into having any kind of relationship with someone who refuses to show me respect, and does not care about the emotional damage she causes me.

 

She will still occasionally start up again. But I let her know that I am a grown woman, not a child, and that she does not control me. I then leave the house or hang up the phone.

 

She usually then goes running to my father like a child and makes me look like a horrible terrible person for standing up for myself.

 

 

this is just the tip of the iceberg. i have a lot of really messed up family issues. my house is neither a safe nor healthy enviornment for anyone, which I why I left the house as soon as I turned 18 (something I STILL had to do forcefully)

 

 

its all about breaking the control they have over you. you will be a much happier person when you do.

 

WOW. HUGS. I AM SO GLAD YOU TOOK BACK THAT POWER. DOESN'T MAKE UP FOR ALL THE WORK NEEDED AND TIME SPENT HURT BUT AT LEAST U SNATCHED IT BACK.

 

SOUNDS A BIT LIKE MY SITUATION ONLY IN THE WAY OF BEING MADE TO FEEL UNWANTED - PARENT / CHILD ATTACHMENTS ARE SO VITAL. I BET U ARE A GREAT MOM THO!

[WoWaddict]

WOW. HUGS. I AM SO GLAD YOU TOOK BACK THAT POWER. DOESN'T MAKE UP FOR ALL THE WORK NEEDED AND TIME SPENT HURT BUT AT LEAST U SNATCHED IT BACK.

 

SOUNDS A BIT LIKE MY SITUATION ONLY IN THE WAY OF BEING MADE TO FEEL UNWANTED - PARENT / CHILD ATTACHMENTS ARE SO VITAL. I BET U ARE A GREAT MOM THO!

 

 

i don't have any kids as of yet. but from 13 years old on, i pretty much raised my younger brothers, because my parents only want to do their job when its convenient for them, they're both involved with drugs and alchohol abuse. but thats another story.

 

my boyfriend and I are getting married when I finish college (in 2 years), and I want to have kids before I'm 30 if all goes well.

I'm actually really good with kids in general though. My boyfriend has a cousin who is a couple of years old. She will not go to anyone but her mother.... absolutely clings to her. One day everyone was at their house for an after-christening party, and her mom put her down for a minute. I was watching tv on the sofa, and she walked right up to me and did the 'i want up' gesture (she has a hearing disability, so she uses sign language). She sat on my lap and watched tv with me for like 20 minutes before lunch. Everyone made a big deal about it lol.

That's happened a couple of times. I think its cause I'm non-threatening looking. Short, blonde, and usually watching spongebob. lol

[My Fair Katie]

We have and will always be estranged because there is no changing her. She will always be disrespectful, and petty, and degrading towards me. I have stopped trying to fix the situation altogether. I will not put an effort into having any kind of relationship with someone who refuses to show me respect, and does not care about the emotional damage she causes me.

 

She will still occasionally start up again. But I let her know that I am a grown woman, not a child, and that she does not control me. I then leave the house or hang up the phone.

 

She usually then goes running to my father like a child and makes me look like a horrible terrible person for standing up for myself.

 

Wow, if I weren't an only child I'd think we were sisters. I went beyond hanging up the phone to having all my numbers changed and unlisted though.

 

After that happened she called the state police to "check up on me." That was, btw, the second time she'd call the cops to locate me. The first time was when I was "sexiled" in college and staying with someone else so my roommate and her boyfriend could have some alone time. The police department banging on the door and demanding my whereabouts was probably a horrific c*ckblock though.

 

If you had controlling parents, I'm telling you that book is a godsend (and I tend to hate self-help books).

 

To the OP, yes it was wrong of your mother. Growing up my mom would always accuse me of "lying by omission." I was never actually lying, but by claiming I was "lying by omission" I was not allowed my own private thoughts. My mom was more on a drug kick than a sex kick (I wasn't allowed to date when I lived in their house, and I guess she thought I would get high at school during lunch or something).

 

Every evening she would shine a flashlight in my eyes and check the dialiation. My dad thought she was being silly. She was dead serious. If my eyes ever did not respond as quickly as she anticipated I would be accused of using marijuana and told that she was going to keep a keener eye on me and that if she caught me I'd be home schooled.

 

Just learn this statement, "Mother, that is none of your business," change the subject, and rinse, lather, repeat, as necessary.

[WoWaddict]

Wow, if I weren't an only child I'd think we were sisters. I went beyond hanging up the phone to having all my numbers changed and unlisted though.

 

After that happened she called the state police to "check up on me." That was, btw, the second time she'd call the cops to locate me. The first time was when I was "sexiled" in college and staying with someone else so my roommate and her boyfriend could have some alone time. The police department banging on the door and demanding my whereabouts was probably a horrific c*ckblock though.

 

If you had controlling parents, I'm telling you that book is a godsend (and I tend to hate self-help books).

 

To the OP, yes it was wrong of your mother. Growing up my mom would always accuse me of "lying by omission." I was never actually lying, but by claiming I was "lying by omission" I was not allowed my own private thoughts. My mom was more on a drug kick than a sex kick (I wasn't allowed to date when I lived in their house, and I guess she thought I would get high at school during lunch or something).

 

Every evening she would shine a flashlight in my eyes and check the dialiation. My dad thought she was being silly. She was dead serious. If my eyes ever did not respond as quickly as she anticipated I would be accused of using marijuana and told that she was going to keep a keener eye on me and that if she caught me I'd be home schooled.

 

Just learn this statement, "Mother, that is none of your business," change the subject, and rinse, lather, repeat, as necessary.

 

 

She has yet to call the cops on me, but she has sent my father over to my boyfriend's work to harass him and his family (they own an auto shop) when I left the house and his parents offered me the guest room until college started up.

 

If she ever called the cops on me, I would sent them back to her with harassment charges. I actually almost did when she was sending my father out to do her evil bidding, but my bf didnt want to blow up the situation any more than it was

[My Fair Katie]

If she ever called the cops on me, I would sent them back to her with harassment charges.

 

Unfortunately it's not harrassment. Also, I can't send them back to her, we don't even live in the same state (thank ALL that is holy).

[WoWaddict]

Unfortunately it's not harrassment. Also, I can't send them back to her, we don't even live in the same state (thank ALL that is holy).

 

 

 

ew, it should be imo. i dont know about your mom, but I know mine would make up this huge dramatic lie to get the cops out to where i am.

 

Don't you have to file some kind of report to have them do that?

 

i don't know... it seems like there is or should be something a person can do in that situation to make sure it doesn't happen again. Not to sound like a preschooler, but I feel like your mom should have gotten into some kind of trouble for that. There should be consequences for making up fairy tales to get your way... especially when it involves wasting the valuable time of the police.... they could have been out actually helping people instead of getting put in the middle of nonsense