I told...

[noforgiveness]

As a former BS, I can honestly say I am glad that you told. His wife deserved to know who else she was being exposed to.

 

the wife deserved to get to the bottom of it and find out from her HUSBAND not from someone being mean and spiteful because she couldn't have him anymore.

[ratingsguy]

This must have really been bothering you to do something like that. And your MM must have been treating you terribly. Well, at least you know that it is over forever now, and that's the one positive that comes out of this.

 

I stopped and thought about it for a moment, and I decided that I couldn't do this to my MW. That being said, my MW treats me really well... in 6 months we've never faught or had disagreements. I do love my MW, and our relationship is initimate enough that I could sit down with her and tell her how I felt without having to call the H if I wanted to. Of course also consider that a H is going to react very differently than a W! If I did that and didn't come away with any bullet holes in me, consider me very lucky!

 

In any event, I think at some point I will sit down with my MW and tell her to have a heart to heart with her H. He sounds like a respectable person, but the emotional connection in her marriage is lacking. In time, I'd rather see my MW go back to her H and work things out, or at the very least be completely up front with him about what she needs. All the while him being none the wiser about her A. No need to inflict any pain into the lives of the H and kids.

[InsanityImpaired]

the wife deserved to get to the bottom of it and find out from her HUSBAND not from someone being mean and spiteful because she couldn't have him anymore.

And if he would not tell? Should the W remain unaware of the A?

 

Some BS prefer to have never known, whilst others prefer to know. Or should we assume that the MM knows best in situations like this?

[noforgiveness]

And if he would not tell? Should the W remain unaware of the A?

 

Some BS prefer to have never known, whilst others prefer to know. Or should we assume that the MM knows best in situations like this?

 

the man broke it off to try to salvage his marriage. it was not her place to tell after the fact out of spite.

Yes i would want to know but i would not want the heartbroken spiteful other woman to tell me.

[noforgiveness]

oh and she had a whole thread on here asking if she should tell and almost everyone advised her against it.

 

I don't know why if she loved him she would want to see his world come crashing down...regardless of whether he deserved it.

[mt_in_texas]

You make it sounds so righteous by saying that you are tired of the secrets and lies yet, your whole relationship is just that secrets and lies. You know exactly what you were walking into and so I believe you are “exposing” him hoping for a certain outcome. So here is the answer you are looking for, yes she may throw him out and he may run to you and you will be the 3%er, living happily forever.

[InsanityImpaired]

The thing is, you can't break things suddenly off with anyone, and expect that person to be content with that. Especially if a lot of emotions are involved. I doubt this MM placed an ad in the paper, for a position of OW, and that OP happily applied for that position.

 

As for working on the marriage, that also involves for the BS/ W to understand why her H acts so wishy-washy. She had her suspicions that something was going on. Now, H can try to make amends, but the tough question is, whether or not all these issues will be resolved, or the marriage be terminated. And even if there are children involved the lasting of the marriage is no guarantee that the kids would be better of.

 

Indecision, as a result of possible lieing or omision of information by H, is not fair on the W either. What if the same pattern repeats itself 2 or 3 times more, before MM / H gets caught? W may well have "wasted" 10 years of her life on him. To assume that MM will suddenly act in an honest, open, moral and upstanding way, after getting involved in an affair is a bit much. It happens, but certainly not always.

 

In this case, it seems likely that MM will portray himself a victim of a MM-hunter, and that he really could not do a thing about it. And that OP is evil incarnate, et cetera. Not really the most virtuous behavior either, but understandable. How MM was a toy at the hands of a "wicked woman" who tried to blackmail him, et cetera.

 

For some BS, the fact of an A is enough to be done with the M. That might be the reason MM suddenly stopped the A. The motives can be plentiful, but it is not exactly for moral reasons that MM has seen the light - then it would have remained a single slip-up at most. He may have stopped to ascertain that his W will live a lie, according to W's moral standards.

 

Ultimately the point of choosing between an absolute right and wrong had already been passed. Now it depends on individual circumstances what course of action would have been best for the W and kids firstly.

 

It could be that telling was the worst choice, and it could have been the best. It depends on individual differences. Some W would rather not know it at all, whomever told what happened. Others would rather know. Only the outcome can tell us, whether or not this was a good or bad decision. Whether OP told the W out of spite or out of the loftiest moral considerations does not make too much difference for that.

[Catharsis]

wow did you read the same posts by catharsis i did? They stopped emailing because she knew it was wrong. They never had sex. SHE started emailing him again because she missed him. They were lovers from THIRTEEN years ago.

 

She, probably illegally, snooped into this mans private email and basically discovered that this man and his wife were still having steamy sex and emailing each other back and forth about it and this man repeatedly emailed his wife how wonderful she is etc etc. BUT she calls the wife

an unexpecting naive fool, who needs to wake up and see that she doesn't have the fairy tale marriage she braggs about all the time???

 

WOW sounds like an extremely bitter, jealous person to me. The wife certainly doesn't sound like a naive fool if her husband is showering her with love letters.

 

You are very wrong here. This man lied to me back then, and he lied to his W back then (before they got married), as he was still trying to hook up with me when he was already engaged to her. But that's not the point. I'm not jealous or bitter that he is still having steamy sex with his W. I'm angry that he led to me believe that his M was dead while trying to play my emotions and feelings that I still had for him from back then. Plus, all his sweet lovey-dovey letters to his W are totally fake, since he mails plenty of other women the same steamy stuff.

 

The W is a fool because she doesn't realize that her "perfect husband" whispers sweet things into her ear to keep her from getting suspicious about what he does when he's away from home 3/4 of the year. He's banging everything that moves, and his W has no clue. It angers me that he tried to pull the same crap with me, trying to make me feel and telling me that I'm "the only one for him" - the same BS he tells his W.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I couldn't take the hiding anymore, the secrets, I wanted it out in the open. I called the wife yesterday and told her about the affair. I know this ends everything with MM.

 

I'm a MW, but never a BS. I understand how you feel. I think it was the right thing to do. Your MM needs to be accountable for what he did. After the fall-out of a relationship, why should the OW protect the MM further? Obviously, he doesn't care about your feelings!

 

As a MW, I'd like to be told if my H is cheating - even if it's from the OW! I want to know, and the person that will be flamed won't be the OW.

 

I think telling will also ensure that you'd never be lured back into his web of lies again. That's a big step foward!

[noforgiveness]

Catharsis sure sounds to me you have some pretty strong emotions towards the wife. She has not done anything to you to call her an unexpecting naive fool who braggs and needs to wake up.

Sounds like you are still bitter he married her while you thought he still felt something for you. You are the one who contacted him out of the blue after 13 years knowing he was married.

[Catharsis]

Catharsis sure sounds to me you have some pretty strong emotions towards the wife. She has not done anything to you to call her an unexpecting naive fool who braggs and needs to wake up.

Sounds like you are still bitter he married her while you thought he still felt something for you. You are the one who contacted him out of the blue after 13 years knowing he was married.

 

Yes, I contacted him because I wanted closure. An incident that happened to me brought back a lot of memories and the questions of why. I have to admit, I did blame his W for a while coming between us (I hate to elaborate since it is a long story - but she did come between us, intercepting letters I sent him BEFORE they got married while he was away at a different college). While he was already engaged to her HE contacted ME out of the blue by sending me a letter (no email back then). She intercepted my response letter to him - that's how scared she obviously was to lose him, she had to stop contact by making him believe that I was blowing him off. Then a few months later shortly before he married her, we ran into each other when he was home visiting his family and he approached me AGAIN. I was already with my H and told him to leave me alone. To his W's credit, he told me about her intercepting my letter when we first started contact again almost four years ago - who knows if it's true, but why would he make her look like this evil, controlling person?

 

So yes, I don't particularly like his W for interfering and preventing me from getting my closure back then - if I had been able to hash it out with him back then, I could have saved myself years of wondering what went wrong. But why would I be bitter he married her? I would hate to be married to a serial cheater, but I have to admit, I do have a little schadenfreude that karma punished her for trying so hard to keep her man. She tried like crazy to "get him", and now that she's "got him", he cheats on her left and right. Yep, I wish I was in her shoes.... :lmao:

[Meaplus3]

wow did you read the same posts by catharsis i did? They stopped emailing because she knew it was wrong. They never had sex. SHE started emailing him again because she missed him. They were lovers from THIRTEEN years ago.

 

She, probably illegally, snooped into this mans private email and basically discovered that this man and his wife were still having steamy sex and emailing each other back and forth about it and this man repeatedly emailed his wife how wonderful she is etc etc. BUT she calls the wife

an unexpecting naive fool, who needs to wake up and see that she doesn't have the fairy tale marriage she braggs about all the time???

 

WOW sounds like an extremely bitter, jealous person to me. The wife certainly doesn't sound like a naive fool if her husband is showering her with love letters.

 

noforgiveness,

 

I was reading her message pertaining to kymberann's post, did not read her story.

 

AP

[Catharsis]

Truth of the matter is:

 

- He lied to me about his W back then and now. He has been telling me how "difficult" and "unhappy" his M is, how it was "a mistake" (his words) to marry her, that he was young and stupid to let me get away back then, that he never felt the same for his W as he did for me. All that BS to keep me emotionally attached to him and possibly to get me to have sex with him.

 

- He's lying to his W about how she is the greatest thing on the planet, how she's the "love of his life" (a direct contradiction to what he's been telling me) and how faithful he is to her when he's away from hom when in reality he has sex with young girls half his W's age AND has been dissing her behind her back (see above).

 

- He's lying to the young girls basically telling them the same crap about his W - how unfulfilling his sexlife is, etc.

 

- He's admired for his "honesty" and "moral integrity" by his colleagues, his community, his family, etc. And all the while he manipulates and lies to people while his image doesn't get tarnished. And that makes me sick.

 

He has two daughters - what example is he setting for them? I wouldn't be surprised if he started to hit on his oldest daughter's friends when she becomes a teenager. If nobody suspects that he is that kind of guy, who's to stop him?

[Freedom Now]

I would say that you should consider yourself lucky to be free of this mess.

 

This guy is trouble with a capital T.

 

Thank God that you aren't his wife. Can you imagine being HER?

 

It was a near miss for you. You dodged the bullet. Others aren't so lucky.

 

That, my dear, should be enough. You came out of this relatively unscathed.

 

Pity the wife. She is married to a snake.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

- He's admired for his "honesty" and "moral integrity" by his colleagues, his community, his family, etc. And all the while he manipulates and lies to people while his image doesn't get tarnished. And that makes me sick.

 

I think that what bothers you the most is the above quote?

 

Catharsis, you have my sympathy. You carry this huge secret of him and you feel that there is nothing you can do to help the victims of his lies. I understand how that feels. A few years ago, there was a man in my field who is respected for his family "values". Well, one night when we were alone, he came onto me (physically!). I was shocked because I thought that he loved his W! ( He did stop before the actual rape.) But he lost my respect from that moment on. And when I'd see him or hear the mention of him being such a good husband, I'd get sick in the stomach. He has 3 kids! :sick:

 

Anyway. If you are still snooping on his emails, please stop. Save your sanity by staying away from him and wipe him off your mind completely. I was able to do that do that man - but it was perhaps I never developed romantic feelings for him. (Thank God!) I know several women who was infatuated with him, and I don't have the heart to tell them what he did. I do warn them, but only in general terms. (Actually, I've not told anyone of this incident other than my H.)

[GreenEyedLady]

I don't know why if she loved him she would want to see his world come crashing down...regardless of whether he deserved it.

 

I did a double take when I saw this next to your screenname...aren't you always saying, "Tell the W and see what happens?"

[kymberann]

A lot of mixed responses! This certainly generated a lively discussion.

I really appreciate the feedback. Yes, I did what I did, I have no regrets. After MM explained to me that W had suspicions and that he wanted to end it all, of course I was upset. I had held out for so long. There is more to the story. Not that it matters now; maybe it does, but here goes.

MM and I broke up in July; I couldn't take it so I ended it. We didn't speak for two weeks. Then he started calling me. We had done so many things together. When we met to talk he said he couldn't stay away from me, missed me and wanted to be with me. He was making plans to leave, but it would take awhile. On that day when we " got back together" he was in an accident I was also there and had to watch the whole thing. I took him to the ER, he didn't want the W contacted. He told hospital personnel to not call her. He wouldn't let me leave, suffered a concussion. I finally called his home, his son answered and 10 minutes later his w showed up. She hugged me and walked me out to my car to get some of MM belongings. Very uncomfortable! Asked me for my phone number, I didn't give it to her. MM took some time to recover, but we were still seeing each other with same intended plans. We even became closer, at least I thought. That’s when MM started discussing doing even more things together, that we were “soul mates”. We were spending even more time together initiated by him. Now I know it was just wasted words. So then, yes, he ended up breaking everything off because he said W was becoming suspicious. As is mentioned in the post. He only ended it after the suspicions. And he didn’t want to admit anything to W. Well, I have had plenty of time to think and plenty of time to realize what a damn game and a damn mess this has all become. How do I rectify it? I am not being evil and I am not being vindictive in my actions. And I think he did break it off thinking that I would be “content” with his actions. Just tired of people, especially MM doing one thing and saying another and yes getting away with it.

Yes he has kids, two grown and a 14 yr old. When W called me she said she had told her two oldest. That was her choice, I had no bearing on that. When I talked with her I did keep the information to a minimum, because I thought if I went in to detail that it would look like I was trying to be vindictive. I just simply said I know you have suspicions because your H told me and I wanted to let you know those suspicions are true. If you want to know more I’d be willing to talk with you. She told me she knew there was something, because MM was a “changed person”. She asked me why I didn’t tell her about anything when he had his accident. I told her it never came up it wasn’t my place.

 

At this point I didn’t have anything to lose except the pain of not keeping everything a secret anymore. MM clearly made his decision. I think it sucks MM initiated the whole affair, initiated telling me that he had feelings for me and led me to believe we had a future but would not follow through. MM or W hasn’t tried to call since this morning, but I know he is/was baiting me so that he could tell me to “leave us alone”. It would make him look good to his wife. I don’t want to answer him because right now it does feel like I “ousted him” and feel like I got some sense of my own control back. I don’t know if W believed me. When we talked it sounded like she did, and I am sure MM probably talked his way out of a sticky situation. But if she had suspicions wouldn’t she still have questions and or doubts?

 

I did this because I wanted to stand up for myself. I had a few friends who were willing to call and tell W on my behalf. I thought that would have looked juvenile if that were played out. I wanted to take responsibility for my part and wanted W to hear it from me rather than someone else. I also told the W that I wanted to take responsibility. And yes, I admit I wanted to prove to MM, and myself that I wasn’t some weakling that could tolerate being walked all over. I know there’s the argument “ if you really loved him like you said you do then you wouldn’t have done this”. Well I’ll counter back with yes I do love him, still do, still hurt, but don’t have any regrets. I don’t regret the whole experience either. I wouldn’t change it, I miss some of what we had and am disappointed that MM couldn’t or wouldn’t follow through with what he said he “wanted” to do. I have learned and am still synthesizing all of that. That’s for a future post. I did do it because I didn’t have anything to protect anymore! Why hide??

 

KHLF- I think you are right I also thing I did this just to ensure there was no possible way that I would ever hook up with MM again. In essence I sabotaged any chance.

Thank you all for responses. I really appreciate the myriad of differing opinions whether you think I am in error or not.

Best

[GreenEyedLady]

K: You don't have to justify what you did to anyone here...You did what you felt you needed to do...I wish you luck and love in the future...GEL

[lasan]

I have said it before, and I will say it again.

 

If a person wants to step out on their marriage, they should be prepared for someone to tell their spouse. I really don't think it matters who tells the spouse. I am biased because I wish someone would have told me about some of my spouses escapades. I think all spouses deserve to know who they are being exposed to. I think I deserved the right to know that my spouse was sleeping with everything under the sun, and that I was possibly being exposed to diseases. I don't care who that info came from.

[BUTAFLY]

I have said it before, and I will say it again.

 

If a person wants to step out on their marriage, they should be prepared for someone to tell their spouse. I really don't think it matters who tells the spouse. I am biased because I wish someone would have told me about some of my spouses escapades. I think all spouses deserve to know who they are being exposed to. I think I deserved the right to know that my spouse was sleeping with everything under the sun, and that I was possibly being exposed to diseases. I don't care who that info came from.

 

And thats the bottome line. Bad news is bad news no matter where it comes from. It doesn't change the facts.

[BUTAFLY]

You are very wrong here. This man lied to me back then, and he lied to his W back then (before they got married), as he was still trying to hook up with me when he was already engaged to her. ...

 

He's banging everything that moves, and his W has no clue. It angers me that he tried to pull the same crap with me, trying to make me feel and telling me that I'm "the only one for him" - the same BS he tells his W.

 

My situation is the same! If I didn't know better I would say our MM is the same person.. Anywho,

 

Kymberann...I wish I had the guts to do what you did. I called, she answered, and I chickend out. NOT because I didn't want to tell, but at the time I wasn't sure if I was done with MM. I knew WHEN I would tell, I would probably never speak with him again and I still wanted answers. So, for me to get my answers I remainded silent. When i realized I wasn't going to get my closure I mailed a letter to the wifes home. However it got there too late. They had left for their honeymoon the day before.

He too did this to me while he was engaged and living apart from his fiance. I had not-a-clue.

 

So if a man wants to play around he better expect all that comes with it.

[Ripples]

Only one thing to add, if you're going to tell the wife, tell her everything, answer all her questions. That is, unless you feel vindictive towards the W (and there seems to be a bit of that in this thread). If you do feel animosity towards the W, then your best action is to tell her and refuse to answer her questions, tell her to talk to her H, that's a good way of, potentially, really f*cking her up.

 

Well done, K. Good job. :-|

[noforgiveness]

I did a double take when I saw this next to your screenname...aren't you always saying, "Tell the W and see what happens?"

 

Yes i am but that is to the women who continue on and PLAN to continue with this lie against the wife. She should know if you have no plans of ever ending it. She should not live a charade. Not a case like this where the man nstantly ended it cause his wife was getting suspicious. He needs to work it out with his wife not hae a bitter woman causing problems.

 

Oh and i know you would never tell the wife while still in the affair becaue you KNOW that would end your little love story and hewould go crawling back to her with his tail between his legs.

[PoshPrincess]

Yes i am but that is to the women who continue on and PLAN to continue with this lie against the wife. She should know if you have no plans of ever ending it. She should not live a charade. Not a case like this where the man nstantly ended it cause his wife was getting suspicious. He needs to work it out with his wife not hae a bitter woman causing problems.

 

Oh and i know you would never tell the wife while still in the affair becaue you KNOW that would end your little love story and hewould go crawling back to her with his tail between his legs.

 

Have to say I totally agree with you NoForgiveness in everything you've said.

 

I am an ex-OW and I really can't understand how anyone could do this. Bad enough that we have been seeing someone elses H but this just appears to me like rubbing their nose in it. Dress it up how you like; at the end of the day you're not doing it for their sake. You're doing it because you want them both to hurt as much as you are! Or else because you think she will kick him out and come running to you. Sorry, but I wouldn't want a man who was only with me because his W had got rid of him and he had nowhere else to go!

 

This man made it quite clear that he wanted to try and make a go of his M and personally I would have respected that if I were you. She didn't need to know and, even if she did, not from you. They could have worked things out and she would've been none the wiser. Ignorance sometimes IS bliss. If he really is sorry for what he's done and isn't going to make the same mistake again then he deserves the chance to put things right without interference.

 

I loved my MM more than anything. He did the whole 'staying for the kids' thing and whether that was true or not I will never know but I respected his decision, whatever the reason, because I loved him and wanted to him to be happy whether or not that was with me. I truly hope he does work things out with his W. Rather that than be miserable and waste what we could have had together.

 

My ex-MMs W found out about our A after about 4 months and it was heartbreaking for all of us, but especially her and the kids. It was less than a week before Christmas so couldn't have happened at a worse time. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to be the one to have told her. It wasn't my place to do so. She found out because he was careless. She called me but I didn't tell her anything as I didn't feel it was up to me. Yes, I was 50% to blame for her heartache - I KNEW he was married and shouldn't have got involved.

 

Sorry, am totally rambling now. I suppose this sounds like I'm judging you. I don't mean it to. Each to their own and all that. I just don't feel that anyone who does this is doing it for anyone's sake other than their own and they shouldn't pretend otherwise. IMO.

[noforgiveness]

 

Have to say I totally agree with you NoForgiveness in everything you've said.

 

I am an ex-OW and I really can't understand how anyone could do this. Bad enough that we have been seeing someone elses H but this just appears to me like rubbing their nose in it. Dress it up how you like; at the end of the day you're not doing it for their sake. You're doing it because you want them both to hurt as much as you are! Or else because you think she will kick him out and come running to you. Sorry, but I wouldn't want a man who was only with me because his W had got rid of him and he had nowhere else to go!

 

This man made it quite clear that he wanted to try and make a go of his M and personally I would have respected that if I were you. She didn't need to know and, even if she did, not from you. They could have worked things out and she would've been none the wiser. Ignorance sometimes IS bliss. If he really is sorry for what he's done and isn't going to make the same mistake again then he deserves the chance to put things right without interference.

 

I loved my MM more than anything. He did the whole 'staying for the kids' thing and whether that was true or not I will never know but I respected his decision, whatever the reason, because I loved him and wanted to him to be happy whether or not that was with me. I truly hope he does work things out with his W. Rather that than be miserable and waste what we could have had together.

 

My ex-MMs W found out about our A after about 4 months and it was heartbreaking for all of us, but especially her and the kids. It was less than a week before Christmas so couldn't have happened at a worse time. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to be the one to have told her. It wasn't my place to do so. She found out because he was careless. She called me but I didn't tell her anything as I didn't feel it was up to me. Yes, I was 50% to blame for her heartache - I KNEW he was married and shouldn't have got involved.

 

Sorry, am totally rambling now. I suppose this sounds like I'm judging you. I don't mean it to. Each to their own and all that. I just don't feel that anyone who does this is doing it for anyone's sake other than their own and they shouldn't pretend otherwise. IMO.

 

Very nicely said and I'm sure it's difficult to take responsibility for your part in the family's pain.

 

Kymbrann you weren't some victim like you are making it out to be saying he made you promises. He is MARRIED and you knew that and his first promise was to his wife and his children. He promised to be with her for life. He made you no lifetime commitment and you knew the situation going into it.