I told...

[yousaveme]

Every situation is different....marriages are hard work, although if it is not working the answer isn't to cheat. Having been on all sides of this coin, by not being straight up I had nothing but confusion in my life.

 

Anyway, it was brought up in this thread that the MM knows what consequences could take place, the discovery of the A.

 

In my case a lot of people knew based on how the MM chased me, he was literally relentless and still is. He kept all the other guys away from me (and at the time I was so flattered....yuk), he even called one of the supervisors over at my new job to keep an eye on me...it goes on and on....

 

I had people come up to me on a number of occasions asking me how I was able to handle it, they saw my desire to be left alone, and they also saw the games he played.....they ALL wondered how I was able to NOT contact his wife....they all said if it would have been them.....

 

In my case it would have been the wrong thing for many reasons....now when I did threaten that due to the fact that he hasn't respected my wishes for him to stay away he freaked out and I saw an extremely cruel side to him. Kind of like, "how could I do that", and was extremely protective of his home situation.

 

"Serial Cheaters" (I really like that term!) live in their own little world, and I would say more than not the OW was not the first and in some cases there are several....

 

Why did I think I was so above being found out? Why do the MM think they are so above being found out?

 

 

In my situtation I was always worried about being found out. And that day came. And it was horrible. After some time we came back to one another.

[Guest]

I just had a friend find out she got Herpes from her H....... nice. Who knows where he got it or which one of his OW's has it now too. Sad. If the first one told her long ago, maybe she would not have gone on so ignorantly and ended up with a lifetime of herpes. Maybe the OW's he infected would have been saved this hell as well. She has found out that there has been at least 4 OW's in recent time. Two at the same time even. Who knows how many are really out there. They all got duped by the MM.

To my thinking, this is the nightmare end in these situations. This wife was lucky in a sense that it was 'only' herpes. What if it had been Hepatitis C or HIV? She would not only be faced with her husband's infidelity but also the chance that her own life might end prematurely.

 

She would have to get her affairs in order in case of the worse. Of course, so would her husband who had given her the disease. Their children could be orphaned.

 

This is only one of the reasons why these so-called relationships are discouraged by society. An affair outcome could be fatal and the wife has no chance to see it coming.

[GreenEyedLady]

Oh and i know you would never tell the wife while still in the affair becaue you KNOW that would end your little love story and hewould go crawling back to her with his tail between his legs.

 

You don't KNOW me at all NF: I wouldn't tell his W EVER because I don't think it's my place...Besides I wouldn't betray someone I love like that...

[IfWishesWereHorses]

GEL,

Yeah, but he would!

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL,

Yeah, but he would!

 

I base my choices on my beliefs and feelings...irregardless of what someone else's choice is or would be...

 

I see what your point is...but not everything is so cut and dried as some would like to believe...people are not perfect and make mistakes...and some mistakes are more hurtful than others...

[PoshPrincess]

Your right to some point the blame goes further in just the MM.

I accept my blame. I know he was married. I feel bad when we got caught I was worried about him and the kids. Its something I struggle with.

 

But what makes me laugh is the protection that the BS is give to the MM. If he was happy then he wouldnt be cheating would HE. If the marriage was a bed of roses. He wouldnt be in someones else bed. IF there was this great communication HE wouldnt be communicating with someone else about his feelings and thoughts.

 

It takes two to make something work. Nothing works independently.

 

I have to say I agree with YouSaveMe. I also take part of the responsibility towards my MM cheating on his W with me but I certainly think us OW DO get blamed by the BS far too much, although I DO think it's quite understandable. They want to convince themselves that their H is not a complete b*****d and that if it wasn't for this OW 'relentlessly pursuing' him then he would have stayed faithful. This is because this is often what the H wants the W to believe once the A is found out. Unfortunately, in many cases, if it wasn't for THAT OW there would quite likely be another one just around the corner. I don't believe that this is always the case. For whatever reason, marriages breakdown, Hs or Ws fall in love with someone else and that's why an A starts (I'm not justifying this behaviour by any means, just stating a fact).

[LucreziaBorgia]

If he was happy then he wouldnt be cheating would HE. If the marriage was a bed of roses. He wouldnt be in someones else bed. IF there was this great communication HE wouldnt be communicating with someone else about his feelings and thoughts.

 

Hate to say it but sometimes the marriage is happy, the marriage is a bed of roses, and the communication is fine, and he does love his wife - but the MM is simply bored and wants something new, different and ego-boosting on the side with no intention of ever leaving his wife or marriage. Cakeman, anyone?

 

Its more of a mid life crises thing rather than a 'problem in the marriage' thing - it can hit at whatever age the man starts to feel his life 'settling' and begins to think he's getting older/out of touch/bored. Some men buy convertable Porches, some men pick up a woman on the side.

[Catharsis]

Hate to say it but sometimes the marriage is happy, the marriage is a bed of roses, and the communication is fine, and he does love his wife - but the MM is simply bored and wants something new, different and ego-boosting on the side with no intention of ever leaving his wife or marriage. Cakeman, anyone?

 

Its more of a mid life crises thing rather than a 'problem in the marriage' thing - it can hit at whatever age the man starts to feel his life 'settling' and begins to think he's getting older/out of touch/bored. Some men buy convertable Porches, some men pick up a woman on the side.

 

What if the MM has done it (cheating with other women) even when he was engaged to his W and then continued to do it throughout the marriage for over a decade? I just have to wonder if he really loves his W when he has never been honest with her about his real self.

[PoshPrincess]

What if the MM has done it (cheating with other women) even when he was engaged to his W and then continued to do it throughout the marriage for over a decade? I just have to wonder if he really loves his W when he has never been honest with her about his real self.

 

I guess in some cases, some people just don't have it in them to be faithful (and I'm talking females as well as males here). Like being an addict in a way, maybe? They thrive on the buzz of it all and don't seriously consider the implications it will have on their M. As we know, plenty still carry on doing it after they've been found out.

[LucreziaBorgia]

What if the MM has done it (cheating with other women) even when he was engaged to his W and then continued to do it throughout the marriage for over a decade? I just have to wonder if he really loves his W when he has never been honest with her about his real self.

 

He may love her in a different way, but he loves her and needs her nonetheless - otherwise he wouldn't be with her. His real self is fractured and compartmentalized, allowing him to love a woman one way, and love another woman a different way - and finds that he can't function without both in his life.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Some people make "mistakes/decisions" which they know will hurt other people but they do it anyway because what they want (at any given moment) is more important. What's crazy to me, and is how this post started, is when someone makes a decision that will hurt another person, then changes there mind, and AGAIN hurts this person to actuate her latest whim.

 

Besides, forgeting milk at the store is a mistake, forgeting that you are married is a choice. The mistake becomes getting caught.

[BUTAFLY]

He may love her in a different way, but he loves her and needs her nonetheless - otherwise he wouldn't be with her. His real self is fractured and compartmentalized, allowing him to love a woman one way, and love another woman a different way - and finds that he can't function without both in his life.

 

Ladies,

Please know that you are lovable and deserving of someone who will treat you with respect and dignity and who will honor your relationship. There is NO justification for a partner to treat you otherwise. And to offer the excuss of him being "fractured" or Loving you, but in a "different way" is just sad. Having a man in your life does not define who you are.

 

There are a lot of post on LS that I dismiss or even make me a little perturbed; but when someone eludes to excusing ill-intended actions and putting down their own self-worth in the process in order to continue to feel loved by a man who does them wrong,well......... that really upsets me.

[Ripples]

LB wasn't excusing or justifying anything. Nor was she putting anyone down.

[BUTAFLY]

I don't know LB's story but just to think that way...you have to have low self-worth. To say he is fractured and thats why he cheats....I call that justification. And to believe that...It's putting yourself down because you accepting less than you deserve in the name of keeping a man by your side.

 

Call me a feminist but I don't believe in justifications,reasonings, or excuss for treating a women less than. Just to say I'm the wife or girlfriend of so-n-so.

[Ripples]

Um, you're extrapolating an awful lot. I didn't read anywhere that LB was saying that a wife should stay with her husband, forgive her husband or even accept her husband if he's that way.

[BUTAFLY]

I am not referencing the entire thread at all or other posts. I am talking about just that one postI quoted, only commenting on that one statement. I don't know LB, I don't know if she really feels that way, I don't even now her story. The comment I made is not about LB. It was a general reply I made based on the one post I read. This is not an attack on LB what-so-ever (if thats what your thinking). I am speaking to anyone who will throw their hands up and " well, he's going through a phase/midlife crisis" or "he loves me but in a different way"....that attitude rings alarms of it being OK.

(sorry if my point is not getting across...I digress)

[puddleofmud]

This is very true in alot of cases. (Not all of them, mind you. When I was with my ex, I tried everything to make him happy. I am almost embarrassed now at the things I did to keep him happy. I don't think I am the normal case though, the stuff my ex did was Jerry Springer worthy.)

 

It is so easy to blame an OW over the WS. When I was getting divorced I had to take a good look at things. I took a hard, realistic look at if I had contributed ANYTHING that could have led to the situation I was in. This served two purposes. It gave me peace of mind, and it would also help me not make the same mistakes twice.

 

When I remarried, rest his soul, my hubby probably thought I was nuts lol. I had/have a zero tolerance policy for this sort of thing with people I am dating. If you are unhappy, talk to me about it. I will do my best to rectify it. Don't expose me to diseases then say "Oh but honeylumps I got sucked in....you neglected me, blah blabbity blah blah blah" I talked to my spouse all the time about how he was feeling. I don't think he was anything like my ex, I am pretty sure I would have never had to worry about him.

 

Sorry Kinda got off on a tangent there....don't mind me. Pretty soon I will be talking to my cats

 

Extraordinary post! And very courageous as we all could learn from your heart-felt words! Thank you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

To say he is fractured and thats why he cheats....I call that justification.

 

It isn't justification or any speculation about self worth, or even right and wrong - rather its the defining characteristic of a cakeman(woman). Some men (and women) are like that. They have the ability to compartmentalize their feelings for people, and often do in their relationships - much to the dismay of those he/she are involved with.

[puddleofmud]

It may just be "me" but I take issue with using the excuse/ justifying telling the MW via the OW re: sexually transmitted disease(s).

Once this is diagnosed through any private physician, hospital or clinic the case would be referred (by law) to a central disease control center and that center would contact any partner as to the fact that one has been exposed as well as give infomational direction and options.

The cases are given "numbers" and no names are used so giving partners information is protected via federal law.

All a sexual partner need do is be honest with one's physician as that is also confidentially protected by law.

[Guest]

Hi,

 

I am the guest that told ALL to the wife. Forwarded e-mails, and vacation pictures.....I was wondering if Kymberann the original poster has heard anything back from MM or W?

 

Like I stated.....it has been silence for six weeks for me--but, what did I expect?

 

This thread has gotten alot off topic!

 

Not to T/J. but after six weeks, I am having a horrible night. Just took two pills to try to knock myself out!!! For some reason, tears and rage have hit me tongiht!!!

 

Anyway....just wondering if the starter of this thread had anything new to add....

 

Thanks..

[Catharsis]

Hi,

 

I am the guest that told ALL to the wife. Forwarded e-mails, and vacation pictures.....I was wondering if Kymberann the original poster has heard anything back from MM or W?

 

Like I stated.....it has been silence for six weeks for me--but, what did I expect?

 

This thread has gotten alot off topic!

 

Not to T/J. but after six weeks, I am having a horrible night. Just took two pills to try to knock myself out!!! For some reason, tears and rage have hit me tongiht!!!

 

Anyway....just wondering if the starter of this thread had anything new to add....

 

Thanks..

 

Guest, I wish I could do the same you did with my exMM. I also have TONS of evidence that I could mail to his W that would HAVE to open her eyes that her "perfect man of her dreams" effs tons of girls have her age. The only thing that has stopped me that I don't want to get into trouble if he finds out that I got into his mail account. That really is the ONLY reason I haven't done it. I don't want my family to be dragged into this mess. So I just bit my tongue and let it go, meanwhile I continue to get sick when I hear others praise him for being such an "honest and righteous" man. I makes me want to vomit.

[Guest]

My MM's W went through the phone bill and found my number. Many many calls, almost everyday, alot of them the same days and some for hours, I looked at my bill after finding out she went through his. She called me. I didn't answer. She called me again from his phone. She left no message. This was less than a week ago. It would be incriminating to me seeing how my number isn't even programmed into his phone. My question is, do you think she will try to call again? And if she does, how do I handle it? Do I answer and spill, or keep quiet? My friend told me that by not answering I am admitting guilt.

[GreenEyedLady]

Guest: I wouldn't answer either...what's to gain? She should go to the source, and he lives with her...

 

And why is not answering admitting guilt? As if answering is not admitting guilt? What would you say to her (unless you lie) is any different than not answering then?

 

Your call...What does MM say?