frannie Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 Yes i am but that is to the women who continue on and PLAN to continue with this lie against the wife. She should know if you have no plans of ever ending it. She should not live a charade. Not a case like this where the man nstantly ended it cause his wife was getting suspicious. He needs to work it out with his wife not hae a bitter woman causing problems. Oh and i know you would never tell the wife while still in the affair becaue you KNOW that would end your little love story and hewould go crawling back to her with his tail between his legs. Well of course an OW telling the W about the affair during the affair would end it. And it's not necessarily to do with him 'prefering his wife' or whatever. Quite simply, what person would want to continue a relationship with someone who had done that to them?? Talk about lack of trust and control issues! How could you ever trust someone again who was so willing to take away your choice in the matter and go behind your back like that? And to the OP, as you stated in your last (I think) post on this thread, there are always two viewpoints on this. Some BSs want to know, others don't. Personally I would want to know, and I don't care who told me. What I would find very hard is if friends knew and didn't tell me. That sounds like misguided loyalty to me. Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 The married man breaks YOUR trust and your love every night when he goes home to his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 because I thought if I went in to detail that it would look like I was trying to be vindictive. I just simply said I know you have suspicions because your H told me and I wanted to let you know those suspicions are true. If you want to know more I’d be willing to talk with you. She told me she knew there was something, because MM was a “changed person”. She asked me why I didn’t tell her about anything when he had his accident. I told her it never came up it wasn’t my place. But you made it your place to tell her when your affair ended. That's the only reason why you told her. Sorry, but to me that means you told her out of revenge, not because she deserved to know. If you felt she deserved to know you could have told her at the hospital. I just feel bad for the kids. They didn't deserve this. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 Well of course an OW telling the W about the affair during the affair would end it. Exactly! She wouldn't tell his wife at that point because their affair was still on-going. But once he decided to end it and work on his marriage, the gloves came off. Link to post Share on other sites
InsanityImpaired Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 This man made it quite clear that he wanted to try and make a go of his M and personally I would have respected that if I were you. She didn't need to know and, even if she did, not from you. They could have worked things out and she would've been none the wiser. Ignorance sometimes IS bliss. If he really is sorry for what he's done and isn't going to make the same mistake again then he deserves the chance to put things right without interference. Emphasis added. Because the conditional nature of the whole thing, is exactly what can be doubted most about MM. All this is making the assumption that he is doing this for the sake of the marriage. If that were his motive, it is a bit late only to quit the affair, because she became suspicious, is it not? Is it perhaps not because of other motives, such as "losing half" in case of a divorce - timing is everything -, and MM's timing seems to give credibility to the latter. Or the fear of being caught. Who knows he will have a new vacancy in a couple of months? Given his behavior of the past, one has reason to doubt that MM would naturally do what is best for W and their marriage. It all boils down to the question whether or not MM knows what is best for W and OW, and actually acts upon that knowledge. The A itself, is reason enough to have doubts about that. Despite all MM's delusions, he does not control W and OW. He is at least as much responsible for this mess as OW. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 And to the OP, as you stated in your last (I think) post on this thread, there are always two viewpoints on this. Some BSs want to know, others don't. Personally I would want to know, and I don't care who told me. What I would find very hard is if friends knew and didn't tell me. That sounds like misguided loyalty to me. Well I certainly would want to know. How many other OW's will the MM add to his list, possible for him to bring home a STD to the wife. Possible for him to run into a Bunny Boiler OW in the future. So for most it could be a blessing in disguise. Ignorance will not protect a W's health, finances, future. As an OW at least if you do tell you probably are damn well and sure he won't show back up to darken your doorstep. And maybe you actually are doing their M a favor. May not seem like it at first but some M's I think do get stronger once an A is revealed and dealt with. IMHO. Can only speak from exp. through personal friends and family. I just had a friend find out she got Herpes from her H....... nice. Who knows where he got it or which one of his OW's has it now too. Sad. If the first one told her long ago, maybe she would not have gone on so ignorantly and ended up with a lifetime of herpes. Maybe the OW's he infected would have been saved this hell as well. She has found out that there has been at least 4 OW's in recent time. Two at the same time even. Who knows how many are really out there. They all got duped by the MM. Link to post Share on other sites
lasan Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 I just had a friend find out she got Herpes from her H....... nice. Who knows where he got it or which one of his OW's has it now too. Sad. If the first one told her long ago, maybe she would not have gone on so ignorantly and ended up with a lifetime of herpes. Maybe the OW's he infected would have been saved this hell as well. She has found out that there has been at least 4 OW's in recent time. Two at the same time even. Who knows how many are really out there. They all got duped by the MM. This just horrifies me. That could have been me with herpes. Just ick. I don't care if little green men told Kimber to tell the truth. She did the right thing. His wife deserved to know. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 This just horrifies me. That could have been me with herpes. Just ick. I don't care if little green men told Kimber to tell the truth. She did the right thing. His wife deserved to know. It is unreal. She wondered why he would go through bouts of not wanting sex........probably was having a break out or whatever you call it when the sores show up. Her friend also slept with him and most likely has herpes as well. Apparently you can get it without lesions being present. So who would know. Nobody told her, nobody told the OW's..... Now there is a cute little 22 yr old girl with herpes as well that this 47 yr old MM was kind enough to give to her. Pretty sure she has it at well. She was with him while the friend OW was as well.... man sad, so sad. At least his W and the friend of hers will not give it to another unsuspecting person because he got caught because her OW friend did tell. Out of guilt at first, the herpes showed up later on the W, then informed the friend OW who does have it as well lesion showed up.... no idea if she has been to the dr. I still cannot believe it is true myself, and what a shame. I understand herpes can actually be painful for some, let alone ruin their chances at being intimate with another that they may truly desire in the future. BTW her H denies it and says he must have got it from the friend OW, not another one and must have gotten it within the last year..... nice, real nice. So I guess it's ok since only 3 people have it now and maybe a 4th 22 yr old girl. Link to post Share on other sites
lasan Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 BTW her H denies it and says he must have got it from the friend OW, not another one and must have gotten it within the last year..... nice, real nice. So I guess it's ok since only 3 people have it now and maybe a 4th 22 yr old girl. Figures. I know someone up there (sorry can't remember who) said it was the husbands job to tell his wife. But alot of men aren't going to do it. Does that mean BS should be in the dark about whats going on if the WS doesn't want to come clean? *this can be a cheating wife too, I just tend to make it cheating husband because I am a female lol* Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 Whoa, you couldn't take the lies and secrets anymore? I'm so confused. Isn't that what you signed up for? You have made two important choices which have affected this woman's life and from what I can see both of these choices were made because of your own selfish desires. 1st, the desire to be loved by a married man, then the desire to retaliate against him. I do believe that the W should be told but you gave her only enough information to drive her crazy? One thing that has constantly amazed me on the posts by OW is that they fail to see the BS as a human or a victim. The reasoning is obvious behind this - by dehumanizing her you are able to justify your own actions. I hear the BS callled crazy sooo many times - is there anyone on this board educated enough to understand the grief response? The BS is called a blind fool - which I guess is somehow worse than being an informed fool?? I think what you did is VERY vindictive. The posts I read were the OW sends all of the evidence to the W actually accomplish something. They empower her, give her all of the evidence that she needs and the ammunition she needs to fight should she file for divorce. What you've done (in my opinion) is stab her in the back, THEN remove the knife (as a favor?) and leave her to bleed to death. You didn't want to expose this wonderful man during the affair the hiding and secrets were fine then, but in order to retaliate you give his wife only enough information to hurt her? I read replies which said he will simply make you out to be some crazed MM chasing vixen. Well, under the circumstances, a two year old could convince her of this because of your actions. They scream I want to hurt someone. I honestly believe that she deserves to know, I honestly believe that he deserves to pay, and I honestly believe that you too are a victim (though I think you chose that role). If you have a decent bone in your body offer this woman ONE meeting and give her everything she needs. As a BS, I have fantasies about of revenge on WS and OW only my revenge is that he will one day become hers. That would be the ultimate, as they very much deserve each other. When I read your post that was the first thing in my mind, these two deserve each other. OK, all that said, here is my disclaimer. I don't intend to flame but did want to offer my opinion. I respect and appreciate the feelings of the OW on this board and the insight that they offer me. Its just sometimes the things I read make me feel like I'm falling down a rabbit hole. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 Figures. I know someone up there (sorry can't remember who) said it was the husbands job to tell his wife. But alot of men aren't going to do it. Does that mean BS should be in the dark about whats going on if the WS doesn't want to come clean? *this can be a cheating wife too, I just tend to make it cheating husband because I am a female lol* Well I have not talked to my friend L in about 4 weeks, she went into hiding. She called me at midnight to tell me she went to the dr and he said she had herpes...... that was about 8 months ago. I had a gut feeling her H was cheating but what do I know? I did say something to her then about it, but she didn't believe it or that it was possible. He was able to lie to her that well. He also lied to I guess what would be her good friend. Said L was 'secretly' on medication and in the care of a shrink, crazy....... L is not crazy, there is no shrink, and she only takes allergy pills/shots. He told her (the friend OW) so many lies including that L was a whore and slept with his friend. This MM had a great game going to get some on the side. Hell I really liked the guy, spent many nights at their home...... who would know he would really do this. He has a thriving business, they have a beautiful home, he treats L romantically (I was a tad envious), and a super bright 15 year old son together. I bet L does need a shrink at this point and now needs meds for the herpes! This all could have been avoided if the first OW did tell... he obviously never would have. Sorry to ramble.....but I hate this for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Romeo Must Die Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 I am a BW and I got the letter from xOW and it was meant to break us up. We already knew it was coming ahead of time because she wrote my FWS only days before, telling him it would be coming to me in the mail. "It's payback time, Mr. Romeo." and "I decided to write RMD a letter and tell her everything, maybe it'll ruin her valentines day!" She had this thing about our last name, using my username as an example, referring to us as "the Romeo's" or Mr. Romeo. Anyway, I didn't like it, but I guess whats done now is done. We locked her letters away in the gun safe, and we never discussed her letters again. NC. It's over. The only thing I can tell you about it is that most of the things in that letter I already knew. I never had any desire to contact Romeo's ex OW because she, personally, is haughty and disgusting. Like, "haha your husband was with me last night, go ask him!" It was like she felt entitled to power trip over me all the time because she was such a good friend to him (sarcasm).. . Anyway, this is all ancient history now. So, back to the original posters question as to what you should do now, just remain NC with both the MM and the BS. I'm not going to flame you, just give you some advice. Whats done is done, right. Change your number. Add MM to your spam list. Remember that NC = No New Hurts and be straight on that issue. NC goes for OW and BW's as far as MM/WS is concerned. Sometimes you have to remove yourself from a bad situation. If things get too tough for you to deal, pray to God to take your hurting away from you. Painkillers or antidepressants will help temporarily, but it's not a cure. How can you cure getting kicked in the chest like that? I know its hard, even for us BW's. Focus on your new found freedom. Make a list of all the things he did that hurt you and tape it to your bathroom mirror. Get a belly ring. Start a Yahoo profile. Do not read old letters (or photos) or play your songs looking for validation, or give any of it to the BW even if she asks. Some things should be private and it will just mess up her head, anyway. At some point MM should have to be the one to tell her the rest. If he had any heart at all. I wish you the best and MM the worst. lol, peace. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 The married man breaks YOUR trust and your love every night when he goes home to his wife. What if he stays over? Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 What if he stays over? ohhhh geee so what's he lie and you get him overnight once a week or when he's away on business? whatever. You don't have a whole relationship but tell yourself what you need to to get through it. Link to post Share on other sites
yousaveme Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 ohhhh geee so what's he lie and you get him overnight once a week or when he's away on business? whatever. You don't have a whole relationship but tell yourself what you need to to get through it. Wife doesnt get a whole relationship either, she has a roommate .. Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 Wife doesnt get a whole relationship either, she has a roommate .. so he tells you...you don't even have that much...wake up and find a real man. Not a lying snake who wants his family ad his fun on the side. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 ohhhh geee so what's he lie and you get him overnight once a week or when he's away on business? whatever. You don't have a whole relationship but tell yourself what you need to to get through it. Ah, I was just being stupid because your remark was such a generalisation. No, it makes no difference of course! Link to post Share on other sites
peacelove Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 Wife doesnt get a whole relationship either, she has a roommate .. H & W are roomates Link to post Share on other sites
yousaveme Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 so he tells you...you don't even have that much...wake up and find a real man. Not a lying snake who wants his family ad his fun on the side. His wants his kids happy...I have a real man. He doesnt lie to me. I have seen it. Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 H & W are roomates yes they are...roommates, bedmates, parents, homeowners and all the rest that entails...why on earth would you want to get involved with that??? Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 DING DING DING, round over! Come on girls we're fighting over loosers! Link to post Share on other sites
yousaveme Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 yes they are...roommates, bedmates, parents, homeowners and all the rest that entails...why on earth would you want to get involved with that??? Im not a parent , but Im also not a roommate. Why stay with someone who just owes you to stay with you, for the house and the other things that entails. If they stay for that..Maybe a second job or, alimony is in order. I rather be with someone who LOVES me and WANTS to be with me Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 His wants his kids happy...I have a real man. He doesnt lie to me. I have seen it. and you think his kids are happy when daddy spends his time with you and not with mommy? You think his kids will be happy with the fallout of this mess? You believe cakeman and that's what counts. Hey did you read the thread staying for the kids? Have you reserched that line? have you asked him his intentions when kids leave for college? Could you imagine telling an 18 year old on their own for their first time that mommy and daddy are breaking up because daddy has been messing with someone else? No won't happen. He will still be staying for kids. WHY do you want to do this to yourself? Oh and kids are not the end all. Kids can not be happy if the parents aren't. You need to love yourself to love your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 DING DING DING, round over! Come on girls we're fighting over loosers! exactly!!!! why would you stay all happy and gushy in a situation that you know will not change. He will always have kids. You will always come last. Why would you not realize you were in a dead end relationship? I just don't get it. Why be this mans cake? Link to post Share on other sites
yousaveme Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 and you think his kids are happy when daddy spends his time with you and not with mommy? You think his kids will be happy with the fallout of this mess? You believe cakeman and that's what counts. Hey did you read the thread staying for the kids? Have you reserched that line? have you asked him his intentions when kids leave for college? Could you imagine telling an 18 year old on their own for their first time that mommy and daddy are breaking up because daddy has been messing with someone else? No won't happen. He will still be staying for kids. WHY do you want to do this to yourself? Oh and kids are not the end all. Kids can not be happy if the parents aren't. You need to love yourself to love your kids. Whatever gets you through. Link to post Share on other sites
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