Should I Stay with Addict?

[Guest]

First off, I love my boyfriend dearly. He is sweet, charming, funny, loving, and has been making efforts at getting help in therapy. We have been together for over a year and are currently living together.

 

Now, the problem is, in the past, when I thought he was sweet, wonderful, charming, funny and loving, he was also going behind my back and cheating on me in very horrible ways. For instance, he invited over a crack addicted stripper for a booty call while I was sleeping in his bed, sick, and lied about it.

 

He has found anonymous sexual partners online, including men, and has cruised bookshops looking for one night stands (all while we were together). Even though he was open to have sex with strangers, he was uninterested in having any physical intimacy with me, unless it revolved around a deep throating fetish, which was very painful to me.

 

Everytime something horrible would happen, I would walk away, certain I could not handle the torture of being with what appeared to be a really cruel serial cheater. Over time, I found out that my boyfriend has been suffering from a sex addiction all his life. He has gotten into therapy and has been working towards recovery, and since, we've gotten back together and have been working towards a healthy relationship.

 

As one might imagine though, a lot of trust was shattered, especially since I am his accountability partner and continue to see that he is flirting with other women and watching very devient pornography when he is pretending to do other things. It seems like one lie after the next--but such is the life, living with an addict, and I understand that.

 

Tonight, he got a phonecall from another woman--and he went into ueber flirtacious mode. Now, I am not normally a jealous person, but with our history, I became very upset and very concerned that he may act out again--it sent off an instinctual warning siren inside that things were not right. I told him I felt very upset by the way he was talking to the woman, and that it concerned me because I know he is still suffering from a sexual addiction. He just told me I could believe whatever I wanted, and to get over it, that he wasn't going to get into a debate about my feelings, and I would just have to live with it. He had "better things to do" with his time and didn't want to "waste" it comforting me.

 

I tried to speak with him about it seriously. He did everything from laugh, to mock me, to tell me he doesn't have time for this crap, to telling me that he just can't take me seriously and that I'm an emotional roller coaster. He thinks I'm blaming him, which I do NOT want him to feel--but I do think that considering his addiction, and the things he's done, that he should be more respectful of my feelings, and be willing to at least discuss what's going on and be willing to make compromises.

 

Now, how he's acting feels downright disrespectful to me. I feel that I've done my fair share, working with him through this addiction.

 

I would like to know if any of you have experience with dealing with addicts. Is it time to just cut my losses and find someone without so many painful behavioral traits? I do love him, and want to see him get better. But I feel the way he's talking to me is so disrespectful...does anyone know of a way to "reach" an addict? To say things in a way that will not cause him to react so harshly? A way that will allow him to listen, realize that his behaviors are hurting me, and be willing to talk about it and compromise? I feel that I should not have to feel bad for bringing up my feelings, considering that I am putting up with some pretty awful actions at times. I would never hurt someone, and expect them to just "take it".

 

I would like any outside perspectives on this. I've been in this relationship a long time, and have been in a certain mindset. I think it would be nice to get some outside opinions from people who aren't in the middle of it.

 

Thanks.

[aeren944]

Well, both my GF and I were drug addicts at one point in our lives. We supported eachother's behavior in this addiction, and it wasn't healthy for either of us. I'm unclear on the tendancies of a sex addict, and I'm not sure if it's even the same as a drug addict, but I'll give you my perspective.

 

For my GF and me, it took two very, very hard wake-up calls in order to snap us out of that lifestyle. One was that we got pregnant, and the other was that one of us was sent to prison. That will break you out of any addiction... the latter more efficiently than the prior, sadly enough. The thing is, there's a lot of people who face either one of those things, and STILL go back to addiction. I think the difference for us is that, before those two things happened, we had kind of decided to try and get clean. For an addict, deciding to try and get clean... and getting clean... are two very different things. You can have all the good intentions in the world and still be involved in your addiction, just because of the psychological hold it has on you.

 

It seems like you've been living in that world for quite some time. I feel very sorry that you have to endure that. Addiction NEVER just affects the addict, but hurts the ones close to them as well. You are that person. The point I was trying to make was that he can go to therapy or treatment a million times... he can genuinely want to change... but sometimes it takes a huge wakeup call to start an addict on the road to recovery. (Crap, I sound like an A.A. meeting) He has to know that his problem, his addiction, his hurting you. You've got a lot on your plate in having to deal with this, and he should be very, very grateful that you've stuck around this long.

 

However, like I said, maybe he needs a wakeup call. Maybe it's time that you sever the tie. What he's said to you, about needing to "deal with it" is classic. Addicts are great at saying how their feelings are more important than anyone else's. That's the cheap way to defend their addiction. If I were you, I would need to break it off. There's only so much you can do for him, and he needs that wake up call to really get the ball rolling.

 

I'm not saying you need to crush his feelings or just get up and leave. But, he does need that wake up call. You need to tell him, "You're hurting me with this addiction, and I can't support you if you're not willing to help yourself." Tell him about how he's treating you, how it makes you feel, and how his addiction is affecting you. He needs to confront this problem and get over it... he needs to move on, not only for the relationship, but for his own self-preservation. Like I said, when you're not the addict, there's only so much you can do to help them... they've gotta take the next couple of steps.

 

Overcoming addiction is difficult (and, like I said, I don't know how it is with sexual addiction) and it's not going to be easy at all. It requires a lot of soul searching and confronting one's self. None of this "other people have to deal with how I feel" bull*****. Part of recovery is accepting that your addiction is your enemy, and taking responsibility for it. No putting yourself and your addiction above others... especially those that are close to you.

[QWERTY]

I tried to speak with him about it seriously. He did everything from laugh, to mock me, to tell me he doesn't have time for this crap, to telling me that he just can't take me seriously and that I'm an emotional roller coaster.

 

I would like to know if any of you have experience with dealing with addicts. Is it time to just cut my losses and find someone without so many painful behavioral traits?

 

Wow. When I saw the title of your thread, I thought I might read about someone in a situation similar to the one I'm in. But your situation is much, much worse than mine.

 

I'm involved with someone who seems wonderful, but who was/is a love (and possibly sex) addict. Our relationship started off on a bad note (she was still seeing her former lover when we first started going out and lied to me about it), but we've worked through that and I try and believe that she is now committed and faithful to me.

 

But every day I ask myself if I can trust her, and if I wouldn't be better off in a better relationship. And I ask myself this even though I don't have any proof of her being unfaithful to me.

 

You, on the other hand, have more than enough proof. But you let your BF off the hook because he supposedly has an addiction. I too have suffered from a sex addiction (pornography and prostitutes) for most of my life, and I can tell you with certainty that when you are addicted to something you still have the ability to make choices. I have chosen to give up my addictions because they're unhealthy, and I don't want to hurt my partner. And while sometimes I may feel tempted to indulge in my addiction, I ignore it and the feeling eventually goes away. I do this out of respect, both for my partner and for myself.

 

Not only is your BF still indulging in his addiction, he is attacking you for questioning him about it. I think that is a very clear sign that he is still addicted, and that he's not capable of being respectful of your (completely reasonable) feelings of hurt and mistrust.

 

I think you've given your BF more than enough chances. He's showing you he can't be trusted, and that he doesn't really care if he hurts you or not. And while I don't know you, I can guarantee you that you deserve better than that.

 

And I can also tell you from experience that people who get involved with sex or love addicts are often co-dependent. If that's the case with you, I recommend you get some counselling. You deserve a healthy relationship, and your BF just doesn't seem capable of giving you that.

 

Good luck!

[HennyPenny]

This man is going to destroy you, and he obviously doesn't care about your well-being, your feelings, or your relationship. The best thing you can do is sever all ties and get far, far away from him. He is not only destroying your pride and self-esteem, he is putting you in danger.

[bab]

The thing is, you can't love someone well. Your bf has an addiction, and it doesn't have to be your responsibility to "save" him from it.

 

If this isn't the type of relationship you want to be in, then leave. Don't feel bad. People have ruined their lives because they felt sorry for their partner and stayed in bad situations. Take responsibility for yourself and if you are unhappy, get out.