Tragic Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 I am going to shear off the edges of this story and save you the drama, and just ask the question. If your SO told you he was one place, and through a very careful and thorough investigation, it was determined he was not at that place, and you gave him a plethora of chances to come clean and he didnt, what would you think and do with said information? I need crafty minds here...no moldy advice. I am looking for innovative, forward thinkers here. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 Not crafty, but honest. I would ask him. But we have that kind of relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Ripples Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 A) If I wanted the relationship to work out, I'd ask him straight out why he lied. B) If I didn't want the relationship to work out, I'd tell him I knew he lied and I was leaving. C) If I didn't know what I wanted, I'd figure that out first then do either A or B. Not 'crafty', maybe not your definition of 'innovative', but at least I would be able to live with myself. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 I would be to the point and tell him he is full of S**t, then attempt to figure out why he had felt the need to lie. Now if he was out screwing around aka cheating....... well I may keep my mouth shut and gather evidence to use to my advantage later. Or just leave. Link to post Share on other sites
InsanityImpaired Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 That depends on the nature of the two places. E.g. library and bookstore, no biggie. Library and a strip club, well, yes reason for concern. You made a " a very careful and thorough investigation", which implies that we are dealing with serious issues in the relationship. If there is a big difference between the claimed and the actual place, then yes, I would look into the whole relationship, and reconsider it, in its entirity. If this issue had been discussed before (lying, trust) and it is happening again, I would make my mind up independently from my SO, and merely "report" my intention, once I have. Link to post Share on other sites
VandGsMom Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 I need crafty minds here...no moldy advice. I am looking for innovative, forward thinkers here. Here is forward thinking: Whoop his arse FIRST and ask questions later.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tragic Posted November 30, 2006 Author Share Posted November 30, 2006 The advice was just fine. I guess there really isnt much one can do in the way of innovation as far as the same old story goes. I am quite to the point with him, so much so that I have been guilty of going overboard at times. I know he is an elusive ****er, I just cannot for the life of me catch him solid. You know when the lines of truth and fiction become blurred and your not really sure what is which anymore? Thats what is going on in this picture. Ripples, I am torn between A and B....so that puts me at a semi solid C I presume. Now, to the issue at hand...Allow me to reiterate this one piece of information: If your SO told you he was one place, and through a very careful and thorough investigation, it was determined he was not at that place, and you gave him a plethora of chances to come clean and he didnt, Would your feelings change if you lived with your SO and this was actually an overnite thing? The situation, in my eyes changes altogether if it were simply that he were gone for one hour, and he lied about where he was, verses saying that he is sleeping over a relatives house in another city only to find out as the nite wore on, (from a trusted source)that it wasnt the truth at all. Granted, a lie is a lie is a lie, but still....I think one hour would be bearable verses a full nite shindig, do you agree? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tragic Posted November 30, 2006 Author Share Posted November 30, 2006 You made a " a very careful and thorough investigation", meaning I covered all the bases and repeatedly checked back with trusted source who has no reason to lie at all (60 year old extremely mild mannered eccentric woman) that I duped (i know, im horrible) into telling me the information I needed without causing the bells to ring. Then I checked back with him over the course of the nite, even baiting him which he ate up with relish. and he still wouldnt crack. He has no idea that I know he wasnt where he was supposed to be.Considering my propensity towards a highly violatile temper, this is an amazing feat. He wont be back until today, late afternoon. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 The advice was just fine. I guess there really isnt much one can do in the way of innovation as far as the same old story goes. I am quite to the point with him, so much so that I have been guilty of going overboard at times. I know he is an elusive ****er, I just cannot for the life of me catch him solid. You know when the lines of truth and fiction become blurred and your not really sure what is which anymore? Thats what is going on in this picture. Ripples, I am torn between A and B....so that puts me at a semi solid C I presume. Now, to the issue at hand...Allow me to reiterate this one piece of information: Would your feelings change if you lived with your SO and this was actually an overnite thing? The situation, in my eyes changes altogether if it were simply that he were gone for one hour, and he lied about where he was, verses saying that he is sleeping over a relatives house in another city only to find out as the nite wore on, (from a trusted source)that it wasnt the truth at all. Granted, a lie is a lie is a lie, but still....I think one hour would be bearable verses a full nite shindig, do you agree? Spending the night with another person and telling a lie about it. To me that is as close of a deal breaker as you can come. Once the trust is gone....... what is left? Even small lies can chip away at trust. Not worth keeping it going with a liar. I would say "I know where you were I just want to know why you lied about it"........... then decide if the curb is calling this persons name or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tragic Posted November 30, 2006 Author Share Posted November 30, 2006 (60 year old extremely mild mannered eccentric woman) whom he claimed to have a conversation with. According to her, she had no idea he was even in town when I asked quite casually to speak with BF because his phone died. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tragic Posted November 30, 2006 Author Share Posted November 30, 2006 "I know where you were I just want to know why you lied about it" Thing is, I DONT know where he was, but I DO KNOW where he wasnt. I need a surefire way to guard against his perpetuation of the story. Spending the night with another person and telling a lie about it. To me that is as close of a deal breaker as you can come. I thought so too. But my head is so skewed and my hands are shaking so bad, I wasnt sure. You know how it is (or maybe you've heard) when you tolerate so much crap that after awhile, your not even sure what is considered off or not. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 Not much one can do as Ripples said. You either have to suck it up and live with the lie, or broach the subject with him. Otherwise the only other choice is to simply walk away, but I sense that's not what you want. Ask him. It's the only way as far as I can see.... otherwise the not knowing will eat at you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tragic Posted November 30, 2006 Author Share Posted November 30, 2006 I am about to vomit here, someone help me out. I feel panicky. I know, I am so weak, but ..but...I dont know... How about this, (just playing devils advocate here) What if he told me he was really sleeping over his cousins house, (who is a disreputable snake that I cannot stand and always take issue with) and knowing I would panic if that were the case, and to keep me from seeking revenge while he was away, he said he was at his uncles house because that is by far a very safe option? *I would not seek revenge, but if I were to do something like this, he would, and so he is only going on what he would do. Would that change your opinions, even though its a lie, but change it at least a little? Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 Thing is, I DONT know where he was, but I DO KNOW where he wasnt. I need a surefire way to guard against his perpetuation of the story. I thought so too. But my head is so skewed and my hands are shaking so bad, I wasnt sure. You know how it is (or maybe you've heard) when you tolerate so much crap that after awhile, your not even sure what is considered off or not. Well sounds like this is not the first time this happened. Do you want to know in hopes that he was doing nothing wrong or do you want to know so you have a reason to leave? Either way you may never find out where he was. Perhaps you could plead to him as a human to actually tell you the truth. If you cannot trust someone you cannot build a relationship. If they lie to you constantly there is no trust to be found. Hell even if they just lie now and then it won't work IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 I am about to vomit here, someone help me out. I feel panicky. I know, I am so weak, but ..but...I dont know... How about this, (just playing devils advocate here) What if he told me he was really sleeping over his cousins house, (who is a disreputable snake that I cannot stand and always take issue with) and knowing I would panic if that were the case, and to keep me from seeking revenge while he was away, he said he was at his uncles house because that is by far a very safe option? *I would not seek revenge, but if I were to do something like this, he would, and so he is only going on what he would do. Would that change your opinions, even though its a lie, but change it at least a little? Why would he lie about the cousin, if he did it he did it because he wanted to. If he feels the need to hide it, there are more issues between you then just him hanging with a person you dislike. Again lie is a lie is a lie. He lied and you simply ask him why he lied is all...... I don't think the issue is that he lied if the above story is correct, it is why he lied to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tragic Posted November 30, 2006 Author Share Posted November 30, 2006 Sorry, I meant to say "what if he was really sleeping over his cousins house" not "what if he told me he was" a4a, you are right of couse Either way you may never find out where he was. Perhaps you could plead to him as a human to actually tell you the truth. I have tried this before, but how the hell would I know if what he finally chose to admit to me was the truth or not? Because he could simply say "ok, I was at my cousins house, but I knew you would be nervous about that, and I didnt want you to worry all nite, so I told you I was at my uncles".....On the surface, it looks like he would be trying to save my feelings, but for all I know, that could be a lie too.... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 Whatever you do, don't unleash your "highly violatile temper" on him. Get help for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tragic Posted November 30, 2006 Author Share Posted November 30, 2006 I havent even gotten into it with him yet, I am just trying to cover all bases here, so he cant worm his way out of it again. I have no idea what he is going to invent this time around, he could use the cousin story, if he was a crafty thinker, and I might let that slide but there would be hell to pay....my stomach is in knots. I am trying to figure out if there is a way out of the story that he told me last nite. ie "oh, that woman gets me confused with such and such all the time" etc...."i was there, but she probably thought I was...xyz" Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 Sorry, I meant to say "what if he was really sleeping over his cousins house" not "what if he told me he was" a4a, you are right of couse I have tried this before, but how the hell would I know if what he finally chose to admit to me was the truth or not? Because he could simply say "ok, I was at my cousins house, but I knew you would be nervous about that, and I didnt want you to worry all nite, so I told you I was at my uncles".....On the surface, it looks like he would be trying to save my feelings, but for all I know, that could be a lie too.... So you are with him because? Do you know where he is right now? Would he lie about that too? Total lack of trust on your part and probably for good reason if the guy is this dishonest about things in general. Why would he need to lie? This guy sounds like a H I know that even lied to his W that he was helping me one day....... turns out he lied chronically........ If you cannot trust him what do you have to work with in the R? Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 Right...you already think he's a compulsive liar, so does it even matter *where* he was and *why* he lied? It wouldn't have to be cheating for me, I wouldn't want to be with someone that kept lying to me... Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted December 3, 2006 Share Posted December 3, 2006 whoa, i thought this sounded familiar, and then i remembered: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=931708#post931708 i'm not sure if you'll think my advice is moldy, tragic, but i still don't get what you like about him. it's been two months since this happened (unless it happened again?) and i don't think it makes much sense for you to keep trying to trap him and catch him out. i get that you want the upper hand in the argument and it's totally annoying that he turns it around onto you when he lies, but seriously: who cares if he tries to worm his way out of it? you're obviously unhappy, and you don't need this crap. unless there is something really redeeming about him, what's the point of going to the trouble of devising a trap for him? just tell him he lied and that you know it, and see what happens. if he's not interested in working it out with you, i don't see why you should be, either. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 3, 2006 Share Posted December 3, 2006 If you corner someone, you will find that they will fight tooth and nail to squirm out. Also, when you come down hard on someone, they will also lash out. I would leave some room but only room in the direction that you want him to go. This way he will not feel trapped and lash out at you. Also, you have to approach him without accusing or assuming the worst. Discuss it. Since I don't know all the nuances of your situation or the players involved, it's difficult to suggest a way to do this but I'm guessing you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 Innovative: I go with the innocent approach first. Asking questions that place the person in a position they can't argue the facts. Ie: "How was your cousin?" "How was the (name of bar)? I hope you let Johny drive you." Lull them into a false sense of security... "Wow, I'm really happy you didn't get into an accident. Did you have a good time?" Then drop in for the kill... "So, I packed your things while you were out. I hope you don't mind... Maybe John can come pick you up while you wait outside?" I like to take the approach of switching between topics that seem unrelated. Like.. "I'm glad you had fun at your cousins. I joined a pyramid scheme while you were gone. You know the rents due this week, right? I gave all my rent money to the pyramid scheme. I figured it didn't matter which liar I gave it to." I'm just joking... If he tells you that he was doing it to spare your feelings.. ask him what exactly he was trying to protect you from. The truth? From selfish actions? From him doing as he pleases without considering how it would affect you? Listen.. if things have degraded so far that the two of you can't communicate effectively, that the trust is gone, and you're trying to figure out how to "trap" him into fessing up... then there's really no point in continuing the relationship. The base is decayed. You have nothing to build onto. Everything will crumble the minute you put any stress on that foundation. You either sit down with him and discuss trust and communication, and come to a solid comprimise on what information will be shared, and how it will be handled, or you don't... but if you don't, then relationship dies a slow painful death. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tragic Posted December 4, 2006 Author Share Posted December 4, 2006 (unless it happened again?) You are correct in your assumptions...it did happen again. And I was correct in mine....He DID stay over his cousins house. Said he did it to spare my feelings, as Walk mentioned. He didnt admit to it right away..It actually took calling the house of the place he claimed he was staying at and talking to the wife who claimed she never saw him. I had it on speakerphone so there was no denying the obvious. Then he admitted to lying to spare my feelings because he knows how much I hate his no good cousin (for great reasons). I told him he could now pack his crap and get out of my house. He was stunned and fell to his knees blubbering apologies. His face makes me sick. Walk, funny you should mention this: The base is decayed. You have nothing to build onto. Everything will crumble the minute you put any stress on that foundation. because I told him the same thing over and over again. Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 Hey...good for you Tragic, sorry it ended this way but at least you saved yourself future trouble... Hopefully you'll be able to find someone you could trust, maybe do some honesty tests on him before getting seriously involved... Link to post Share on other sites
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