What is in a name?

[only_hope]

Hi everyone,

 

I love this guy whom I have been with for 4 years. We started dating at a rather young age. We used to engage in rather silly and childish fights but i must say our relationship has more or less matured and we are now more respectful and appreciative of each other. But then the thing is....we have already broken up...or more appropriately given up this "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" label. We are still "together"...we spend alot of time together and communicate often but he says that he doesn't want the label because it means that there won't be so much commitment and i wouldn't expect so much from him. I don't really see his point regardless of how much we talk about it....i don't see much of a difference.

 

Both of us know that we love each other and we are not simply just friends...he says maybe we are in denial....perhaps some of the bad memories of the past has affected our relationship in such a way that makes him fearful of being "tied down"....i dunno...

 

But deep inside i cannot reconcile with this idea of "not a girlfriend...not only a friend....someone special perhaps....but best to say good friend". Well....i know we are still 18 and young....i'm not really expecting everything the way it is always....but then the thing about him refusing to acknowledge me as someone special in a way....perhaps to others....caused some insecurities in me....should i feel this way?

 

Recently my good friend told me he liked me....i believe in a special way....although luckily he told me he would still like to remain as good friends. Because i dunno where i am in my relationship with the guy i love, i dunno when i can advance in my relationship with others....not that i want to look for someone else....it's just that i'm wondering why we are in this denial thing...and i'm not confident that it's healthy for my other relationship with friends as well.....

 

Am i being too uptight here? Perhaps I'm thinking too much...hope i can discuss this with some of you....thanks.

[Tony T]

A man of 18 is usually not anywhere near ready to make a long term committment. The fact the two of you have been together since age 14 is more or less a miracle.

 

Both of you now are at an age where there is major growing and evolving. Perhaps his pace is much faster than yours but part of loving someone is giving them the space to grow and realizing that they may not grow as an individual in directions that are conducive to the continuation of a specific relationship.

 

Even yourself, you will change greatly over the next three to five years. Give yourself and others permission to do that and try not to be so needy of a relationship or one with a specific person.

 

I'd say the fact that your guy is willing to remain friends is a very positive thing. If the two of you can stay on the same level emotionally and intellectually through this growth period in your lives, it is possible for you to once again become a hot item in the future.

 

Right now, cool your jets. He needs time to explore. You've taken a very big chunk out of his teen years, years that most people have for meeting different people, discovering life, and exploring one's own self. Perhaps you don't need as much of this as he does....but nevertheless it's a reality.

 

Give yourself a chance to be a teenager. You don't have much longer to go and you'll be out of that category. Learn to be free and learn to give others around you freedom.

 

To the degree that you can let your guy alone during this important growth period is the degree to which he may recommit to you in the future or at very least be your very good friend. If you try to shackle him in some way, it could be fatal to anykind of relationship with him.

 

You should very definitely open up to meeting and getting to know new people. You are very young and you will never pass this way again. Don't rob yourself of these great years of growing and expanding your horizons. When you're older, you'll appreciate the fact that you did.

 

Have a talk with your guy and let him know you are supportive of whatever he wants to do. Then go out and be a teenager...while you can!!!

 

I do understand your feelings and they are very real. Some of the most emotionally intense relationships I had were as a teenager and it seems the hurt you feel during those years is far worse than that sustained later on in life in similar situations. But young people are also far more relsiliant. You may be very surprised at how quickly you'll get through this and over it once you decide the right thing to do is take more time to see just what all is out there in this very big world.

[velvet]

I dated a guy and I was real interested in him. I had been seeing him for sometime and I was ready to be intimate with him. I need to find out were he stood before I would and so we had the talk. Needless to say after the talk I told him he didn't have to label us as a couple. He was honest but couldn't agree to be with one person. So we ended it.

 

I personally believe that labels mean nothing. I would try and go with the flow on this and see just what he does.

 

Its entirely up to you if you want to see other people. You should ask him if he wants to see other people because you yourself have a line of men waiting for you to become available. Let him answer you. If he agrees than leave things on good terms. Like Tony said, with the history you have with him it would be wise to leave on good terms in case of something more in the future.