Why Me?

[PollyPocket]

I dont know why I am even here. But I guess for me I should get this all out. I have been married about 17 years , I have two children. My marriage was just something that needed to happen. I will leave it at that. I was married very young and I was a young mother.

 

My life has always been about my kids. I am pretty much very conservative person. My husband on the other hand is the total opposite of me. But we do have one thing in common which are our love for the kids.

 

I have suspected my husband of cheating for many years but never really had any proof. He works around alot of women. And he is very social.

 

Most recently my suspisions became a reality. I found out he has been cheating. Which leads me to believe that the other times I had suspisious he was probably cheating then also.

 

I overheard him talking to someone on the phone. The conversations seemed pretty intense and he was whispering. He had the fan on in the bathroom which I guess was to help me not hear anything if I had gone by. I later checked his phone and I saw a message saying "I LOVE YOU".

 

I called the number that the message was from and heard a woman's voice. I was shocked . I went to my husband and he confirmed that he had / has been seeing another woman. I called the other woman and spoke with her. I was sicken just to hear her voice.

 

My husband never apologized to me he was more concerned about our children and HER. The more I called her names on the phone and spoke of her character the more he defended her and asked me to stop.

 

I told her never to call him again. But she didnt listen she called back and spoke with him. He was very quiet with her and I dont even know what she had said to him.

 

I didnt know what to do. I have two kids. The next morning I went to work and tried to act normal. The key word here is tried. I dont know if he spoke with her or not. But I came home early that day. We argued and he asked if it would just be best if he would leave. I didnt want him leaving to go to her. I looked at phone records and could not believe how much of a fool I was. They talked all the time. Even when he was home with ME and my Children. On Holidays , My Birthday , Family Events, our kids sporting games , dance etc..

 

The whole time he said he should just leave. I came to a decision , to try and work things out for the sake of my children. Not the marriage but just enough for my kids to be happy. I spoke with my husband and asked him if we could put our best foot forward and do what is in the best interest of the children. He agreed.

 

I had asked him if he loved this woman. I really didnt want an answer. I knew the answer. I saw it in his eyes. I knew he loved her and I knew he didnt love me that same way. I believe his is greatful to me for the children as I am to him. But he seemed so heartbroken over this woman.

 

I asked him to call her in front of me and tell her everything was a midlife crisis and that she never meant anything to him. He didnt want to do it. But I made him. Her number was changed. So I guess lucky for him, he got his way. He later told me that he spoke with her , when she called his work and he told her what I told him.

 

He wouldnt talk with anyone and would stare out into space. I knew that he was in pain. Not in pain over what had happen about me , but in pain over HER. I told him and he just looked at me. This confirmed everything for me. But again I have my children.

 

I watched over the cellphone bill, watched his everymove. If he went somewhere I made sure one of the kids were with him. And I called all the time. I would start going home at lunch just to pop in. This was becoming a job. So I started slowing to stop.

 

I asked him that for the duration of the marriage to please not disrepect me anymore. MC isnt an option because his heart is gone in our marriage. And I believe the same is for me.

 

I noticed a few calls on the bill that where blocked and I asked him if it was HER calling. He said no.

 

I noticed a few more the next month. I finally said to him , " if it was her you probably wouldnt tell me anyway." and he looked at me and said NO.

 

I noticed that his attitude was getting better and that he was becoming happier. I'm starting to wonder is she really gone.

 

This month on the cell phone bill I noticed alot of private calls. Is this her? I dont know.

 

Thanks for listening.

[VandGsMom]

I MC isnt an option because his heart is gone in our marriage. And I believe the same is for me..

 

Why isn't it? IF this marriage is something that you want to work out still, then counselling is ALWAYS an option....

 

BUT

 

Think about what you two are teaching your children about marriage and healthy relationships. They may not know about they affair but they see that marriage is Mommy and Daddy mad and fighting and not trusting each other all the time. They sense the current under the water much more than you think....

 

Maybe the calls are her, maybe they aren't. It dosen't sound like you two communicate at all or that you want to try anymore. Is is possible that your decision is already made?

[noforgiveness]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

You can't say the marriage is over and it's just for the kids and stay together. It's not fair to him you or the kids.

 

You can't be his jailer. You won't be happy with that role. If you know the love is over then let him move on. Then you will move on too and find real love and happiness. You can't be happy this way and the kids must see it.

 

Let him go. The kids will survive and you will all be happier in the long run. If their is still love in your marriage then you will both discover that when you try to let him go.

 

If you are worried about friends and family don't. There is no reason to tell anyone there is someone else. Be honest and just say you've grown apart and have fallen out of love and just keep it civil and everyone will be happier.

 

You deserve truelove too. Find it.

[VandGsMom]

You deserve true love too. Find it.

 

I love that... I think we should all print that up on Tshirts to wear.

[PollyPocket]

I just want my kids happy right now. We are civil to one another. We dont argue in front of the kids. We ever have. As for communication we really never had that. I dont know why. Like I said our marriage just happened it wasnt planned. And we are total opposites. If I end things now I will also lose my son. He will leave with his father. If not right away but soon.

[stillafool]

I can only imagine the pain you are enduring right now and am sorry for you. However you said "my marriage was something that needed to happen, let's just leave it at that" and "my life has always been about my kids". I can't help but wonder if you really love your husband? Did this affair made you realize how much you love him? Or maybe, you feel you are losing something that belongs to you and its making you cling on tighter? I think you need to ask yourself these questions.

 

IMO, It sounds like your husband is in love with this woman and probably hasn't let her go which is probably why his mood has been uplifted. If MC is out of the question because your heart and his heart are out of the marriage then why hold on to it? I agree with the other poster who said you cannot be his jailer forever. I know people say for the kids sake - but what good does it do for them to grow up in a home where the parent's don't love each other. Both of you will still love them just the same and that's what they need to know. There is someone out there who will love you the way you deserve to be loved if you set yourself free from an impossible situation.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Good God, PollyPocket,

 

You've got a VERY long row. I'm so very sorry for you. Run, do not walk, find an individual counselor. You will need it and it will actually shorten the "recovery time". Also, if you plan to stay, a counselor and help you to put things in perspective, again and again, and again because no matter what your feelings and thoughts on the matter, they will change constantly. There is no fire, no reason to make any decision right now. Again, I'm so very, very sorry for you. Staying, if you still love him (and wanting to hang him up by his toes doesn't mean you don't still love him) is a VERY hard thing to do. Above all take very good care of yourself, physically, and emotionally. If you don't excersize, start, it's worth all the Anti-d's in the world. Again, sorry...

[NoIDidn't]

Polly,

 

I am so sorry to see you in this situation. The thing is, it doesn't get better even if you do it just for the kids.

 

Please think of YOURSELF first, the kids and anything else second.

 

Let her have him, all of him. That's just the way that I feel about it. When he is off living this wonderful life while you try to hold things down for the children, don't think they won't be able to see that.

 

Like NF said, you deserve true love too. This is worst than second best. Your feelings aren't even being considered, not even by you. Get thee to a counsellor at once.

[Ladyjane14]

Here are some book titles for you:

 

Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley, and Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner Davis. Give those a try. It is possible to recover a marriage completely even after adultery. You don't necessarily have to settle with "staying together for the kids".

 

Both authors have websites. You might want to check them out.