Accepting Myself

[TigerCub]

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm new to this forum. I found it while looking for a forum where I could get support / insight with regards to relationships and wellbeing.

 

I'm starting this thread because I need advice.

I'm a 25 year old female, I have a lot of friends, I am smart, and a lot of people find me funny, but I have awful self esteem despite what I just listed above about myself.

 

I've always been an overweight person, until about 1 year ago when I dropped ~23 lbs. Before that, I always thought that once I lose the weight I would be so happy with myself and I would have all the confidence that I lacked when I was overweight.

 

Being a fat girl always made me feel so self conscious and even when I had a bf, I would feel so insignificant if there was a prettier girl in sight while I was with him. Despite the fact that the boyfriend never made a big deal out of it or gawked at the girl. I knew that it was irrational, but I just couldn't help it, and that's why I knew that I had to drop the weight.

 

But the problem is that now that I've dropped the weight, I felt better briefly, but I still feel insecure, and I still feel like it's not good enough and I still have all those issues that I had before.

 

I really think that there has to be another reason for why I don't appreciate myself like I should. And the funny thing is, if I had a friend telling me all this, I would think of a million things to say to reassure them, and to tell them that their doubts are unfounded, and that they should be happy with who they are, and yet, I can't seem to do that for myself.

 

I also feel like I'm manic with my insecurities. By that, I mean that I go through phases where I can say that I'm a pretty girl and believe it, and feel good about my weight loss accomplishments, but there are other times where I just look at myself and I just see flaws, and I really don't like what I see or believe that I am pretty at all.

 

I don't think I will ever be able to have a healthy relationship with a guy if I can't get a grip on this issue. There is a lot of background info that I'm leaving out, which is relevant, but I've blabbed enough for now.

 

Anyone else going through the same thing?

Or did anyone manage to overcome this?

 

Thanks

[Guest]

Sometimes a new post can fall down the list rather quickly - sorry about that.

 

It's not uncommon for people who have lost weight to still feel fat and undesirable. You need to focus your self-worth not on what your body looks like (though of course you need to take care of yourself) but rather the quality of human you are. Are you kind? Decent? Honest? Those are the qualities to cultivate and to be proud of.

 

There are both books and websites about improving your self-image and self-confidence. You could try a few and then, if you're still having problems, see a therapist for a little extra help.

[dgiirl]

I also feel like I'm manic with my insecurities. By that, I mean that I go through phases where I can say that I'm a pretty girl and believe it, and feel good about my weight loss accomplishments, but there are other times where I just look at myself and I just see flaws, and I really don't like what I see or believe that I am pretty at all.

 

Although I've never been overweight, I feel the same way. Sometimes, I can take a look at myself and see a pretty girl. Othertimes, I dont like what I see and become all insecure. During these lows, you need to make extra effort to boost up your self-confidence and watch the things you say to yourself. And try and focus on the pretty girl you know is inside of you. Also, pay attention to the times you feel these lows. I feel worse and more depressed when I'm pmsing. So I try and keep that in mind and reassure myself that this feeling will pass.

 

I still struggle with my insecurities. But I'm trying to build up my confidence so that it's not solely dependent on my looks. We're all going to age, and we're not going to look like we're 20 forever. Dressing nicely and looking good can help us feel good about ourselves. Wearing jogging suits or bummy clothes on a daily basis does have an effect on our mood. So putting effort into how we dress can be a good thing. But on top of that, if we like other things about ourselves then we have those to draw confidence from too.

[quankanne]

Anyone else going through the same thing? Or did anyone manage to overcome this?

 

kinda went through that, I've got two older sisters and it was always K is the pretty athlete, D is the pretty cheerleader and Q the band geek. Of course, my sisters are and were much better looking than I could be, and it kind of bugged me ... on top of that was the typical small-town competitiveness among school classmates, and I was the odd-ball.

 

college was better, because at some point I figured out that even though there will always be someone prettier or funnier or nicer or smarter than me, they weren't me. And that helped me a lot, because I grew more accepting of myself. Because warts and all, there were certain people who would and do love me for me.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that once you start liking you for your own unique self, and accept that others do, too, you stop thinking so much along the lines of being "less" than someone else.

[TigerCub]

Sometimes a new post can fall down the list rather quickly - sorry about that.

 

It's not uncommon for people who have lost weight to still feel fat and undesirable. You need to focus your self-worth not on what your body looks like (though of course you need to take care of yourself) but rather the quality of human you are. Are you kind? Decent? Honest? Those are the qualities to cultivate and to be proud of.

Funny you should say that. Last night I was rummaging in my closet and I found a "book" that my friends had made for me about 3 years ago cuz I was moving and in it, each of my friends had a section where they were telling me what they like about me and how much they were gonna miss me, and that made me smile. In it they said things like how funny they think I am, and how they've appreciated having me as the shoulder to cry on and having me as the honest friend that will tell it like it is and not lie to them...and all those things made me feel so good inside, and it did reinforce the fact to me, that yeah, I do have a lot of good qualities and I am a good person.

 

...I think the trick is to try to remember that on a bad day.

 

 

There are both books and websites about improving your self-image and self-confidence. You could try a few and then, if you're still having problems, see a therapist for a little extra help.

 

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine gave me a book about the inner critic, and I started reading in it. It is insightful. I'll read it some more and see how I feel.

 

Thanks so much for your reply.

[TigerCub]

Although I've never been overweight, I feel the same way. Sometimes, I can take a look at myself and see a pretty girl. Othertimes, I dont like what I see and become all insecure. During these lows, you need to make extra effort to boost up your self-confidence and watch the things you say to yourself. And try and focus on the pretty girl you know is inside of you. Also, pay attention to the times you feel these lows. I feel worse and more depressed when I'm pmsing. So I try and keep that in mind and reassure myself that this feeling will pass.

 

I still struggle with my insecurities. But I'm trying to build up my confidence so that it's not solely dependent on my looks. We're all going to age, and we're not going to look like we're 20 forever. Dressing nicely and looking good can help us feel good about ourselves. Wearing jogging suits or bummy clothes on a daily basis does have an effect on our mood. So putting effort into how we dress can be a good thing. But on top of that, if we like other things about ourselves then we have those to draw confidence from too.

 

Thanks dgiirl,

 

yeah, I'm sure that the way I feel about myself is totally dependant on my mood. I'll try to use your method of having more positive internal dialogue on those days.

 

I do also agree that the bummy clothes make it easier to get in the "rut" kind of attitude, I usually put effort into my hair and clothes and stuff, because yeah, that does make me feel good.

 

Good luck with your insecurity issues.

It sucks that these issues exist at all

[TigerCub]

I guess what I'm trying to say is that once you start liking you for your own unique self, and accept that others do, too, you stop thinking so much along the lines of being "less" than someone else.

 

I briefly saw a psychologist about my insecurity issue and she told me something along those lines.

She said that whenever I see a very attractive girl (competition ) I should just think "yeah, she's pretty, and so am I. We may be pretty in different ways, but her being pretty doesn't take away from my being pretty"

she also told me that I should concentrate on valuing the things about me that make me likeable, and those aren't about the physical attractiveness, it is about the things that make me unique.

 

Thank you for your advice.

 

See, as I've just shown above. I know these things, but I just can't seem to apply them all the time, and then I "slip" and get so insecure and get all worked up...

I just hate being this way....

 

But thanks again!

[dgiirl]

it's hard to put into practice... but the more you practice the easier it becomes.

[wealthmoneyandpower]

I'm going to give you a quick tip that has helped

thousands of people all over the world. This one comes

from ancient origin but works wonders even today.

 

When you see yourself in the mirror, who are you looking at?

 

If your first thought is "well, that's me" - then you may want

to reconsider. That is NOT you. That is only your physical vehicle.

 

The "YOU" that is truly you is perfect in every way.

 

It's the "YOU" that's staring out from inside your head. That's you.

 

Your spiritual beliefs do not need to come into play here.

 

When you look into the mirror, what you're actually seeing is

a reflection of how you feel about yourself from the inside out.

 

It doesn't matter what anyone has said about you in the past,

the #1 and only thing that matters is how you feel about yourself

right now, in this very moment. Now, I want you to go and find a

mirror. Look closely into it. Not at the physical illusion of the body,

but stare deeply into your own eyes. Now be honest with yourself,

and ask yourself if you can honestly, truly say that YOU are not

perfect in every way. You are Divine. You are wonderful!

 

Do this every morning. This goes far beyond "positive thinking"

because you're not stating an affirmation. You're asking the wisest

person you know (you) a sincere, honest question.

 

The person staring back at you through the mirror may surprise you

with it's intellect, kindness and divinity. Ask, "Am I perfect in every way?"

And watch what happens. You will see your own inner-perfection.

 

The stronger feelings you generate internally about who you are

and how truly perfect you are, the more you'll begin to notice the

outer-reflection in the mirrior changing to match that divine nature

that is evident within you... all you need is a little self-reflection.

 

Be well,

Jason Mangrum, Founder

WealthMoneyandPower.com

[TigerCub]

Thanks WealthMoneyandPower,

 

I've never had anyone say that to me, in the same way that you did. I'm really gonna try that and see what happens and from now on, I'll try to do that everyday.

 

 

Thanks so much!