I need some

[Sandman005]

Okay, this situation is pretty complicated. There's this girl I've known for over 3 1/2 years now. We've been "romantically involved" the entire time, save maybe the first week I knew her. However, we only were "exclusively dating" for about a year and a half. This ended over a year ago but we have remained close. She broke up with me because we would get in many arguments over trivial things and we spent so much time together she never hung out with her friends. Losing her was a slap in the face that I never expected. She later told me that when she did that she didn't intend to stay broken up, she just wanted me to understand how serious it was. Well I did but we stayed broken up. The problem is I've never felt this way about someone. When I'm with her, it just makes me happier. Now in order to finish the story, I have to tell the part that will make most people dismiss my situation. I'm 18 and she just turned 19. I understand we're still young, but I know I love her. And our relationship is not like most from high school. We're both very smart and can recognize this. Anyways, I wanted to take her to prom (senior year) like I had the year before, but when I called her she said she was looking at prom dresses. So, before I asked I found out a friend of ours (yes OURS) had asked her (I knew he wouldn't try anything because I'd bust him in his face). I played it off like I was just calling to see what's up. She said later (on prom night) she wished I had asked her, and I told her that's really why I called. She didn't have a good time with him at all, and I felt bad I didn't ask her earlier. I went with somebody else and that really seemed to bother her. After that she called me and told me that after seeing us together (a couple times) that she was going to move on and begin dating another guy. Needless to say that was unfair BS but it's her call. One day four or five months ago I decided to write her a letter just telling her how I feel and how I feel I've grown, not asking for her back (I'd already done that plenty). The whole time we'd been apart she said she still loved me but that us together wouldn't work (if I didn't trust her so much I'd think she was full of it). So late one night I get a call from her. She had just read my letter and she was crying and saying she had made a huge mistake. I quickly got to her house to talk in person and she told me she loved me and no one makes her feel like I do and she's sorry and all that. Unexpected. She's supposed to study in Italy next semester so she says she doesn't want to get back together just to lose me again in 6 months. (I think that's BS).

 

Here's the thing. I don't get emotionally attached to people. I've only ever said "I love you" to this girl and my mom. There's plenty more fish in the sea, and I've never had trouble getting other women, but it doesn't feel the same, and I can't help but think of her. She's perfect in every way (well, she's as close as possible). I never thought it was possible to connect with someone on the level we do. A couple months ago we were drivig around lost and she said, "You're the only person I can drive around lost with and still have fun." That sums it up perfectly, the worst thing in the world is fun if she's there.

 

Now here's my dilemma. Recently I've pushed her away. Not talking to her much. Because, honestly, she hurt me and every time I see her I'm reminded of what I screwed up and lost. I really believe that I have grown and matured and it would work if we were together. I can't just be friends with her, it's too hard. I have a negative opinion of people in general so I suspect she's lying to me, and I hate to say that but it just doesn't make sense, but it would make sense if she was lying and just didn't want to be with me. But the other day we went to lunch and she asked if I missed her (remember, I don't talk to her much anymore). She said she missed me and wanted to know if I felt the same. After a while I came clean and told her of course but I'm trying to push her away, then I told her how I feel and she kissed me. She's amazing, but what do I do? Do I just leave? Do I tell her that if I can't be with her, I can't be around her? Do I play along with her "friends with benifits" idea? (sorry but I dont know how else to describe it) I don't usually ask for help, but I'm not usually madly in love with no clue what to do.