Am I A Fool?

[tommyk]

I am in a relationship with a woman I love very deeply for over 5 years now. We were both married, but both separated, when we met and became very close and in love with each other. Our relationship was very intimate, not just sex, but very close intimacy in many ways. For the first time in my life I felt loved and very close to someone.

 

As time has passed she has become distant from intimacy. She still says she loves me (sometimes) but the intimacy has slowly disappeared completely over the years. There really is nothing left at this point intimacy wise. Most of the boundaries of our relationship have always been set by her, and I agreed to them loving her so much. Her X husband is still a major stress factor for her as well as her children whom I also love

 

I still love her very deeply and have allowed this to happen. I am there and always listen and do all she asks of me. But if I try and talk about us I get shut down. I end up literally begging even for a kiss and she says “no.” When she did talk the few times her answer is “I am not comfortable with myself right now.” I can understand this answer and try to understand, but this is going on 3 years now. I don’t know how to fix this. Am I a fool? Should I let go even though I love her so much?

[PandorasBox]

You don't deserve to be left in the dark not knowing why things are the way they are. Have you suggested to her marriage counseling for you both? If her EX is still in the picture do you think he is the main contributing factor to why shes acting the way she is?

[tommyk]

I forgot to mention that we are not married and live in seperate houses. The other thing is this is 5 years into the relationshp and I am begging for attention. I still feel the same about her and need her. When I ask for attention or just hold my hand or kiss me; or even to say "I Love You" once in a while, she says I am demanding and pushing her. I feel after 5 years of loving her so much I am not pushing at this point. I could be wrong, but I also feel she does not love me and I am only fooling myself and surviving on my own hope. tommyk

[anna13]

do the oposite now , dont talk to her at all , dont beg her to call you , and stop asking her what happened. basically just cut it off and move forward. she will be forced to tell you what is going on , and if she tells you that she doesnt have to or doesnt want to then tell her to call you when she does feel like it. also are you still married to your wife? I hope not.

[Trialbyfire]

When someone grows emotionally distant like that, it's usually one of two things. They've lost interest or someone else has the intimacy. It doesn't have to include physical intimacy.

 

Sometimes you stop being friends when you become lovers. Try to rekindle that friendship and see where it takes you. Good luck.

[tommyk]

To anna13:

No, I am not still married.

[Walk]

3 years with vrey little to no intimacy is a LONG time. It's not something I can live without when in a realtionship. I know 'cause I was in one, and I ended up cheating in order to get that intimacy. No matter how much I talked to my partner, nothing changed. Only when I walked away did he promise all the change in the world. Anything I wanted... but it was too late by then.

 

I dont' feel you are asking for too much. You want your partner of 5 years to show you that she loves you, values you, appreciates having you in her life. That's not asking for too much. That's respect and understanding your own value.

 

I think the more you plead with her, and the more you try to talk to her, the further she'll withdraw. I think whatever happened inside her isn't going to be fixed by telling her even more how much you love her. She isn't working with you to find a solution. She isn't comprimising, isn't taking your feelings into consideration and attempting to resolve her issue. She is not taking ANY steps (as far as your post said) to find a solution to whatever the problem is. THREE years, and nothings changed. Where is the partnership? I see you trying, and she's pushing you away. You try to talk, and she won't. You want to find a resolution, she isn't helping.

 

I do think you need to sit her down one last time and tell her that if she can't communicate the problem, and no attempt is made to resolve it, then you are leaving her. I think she needs to believe that you will walk away from her. Right now, I think she believes you'll never go anywhere. That no matter how she treats you, you'll be sitting at her feet waiting. Giving that kind of dedication to someone is admirable, but only if the other person is worthy of it. If all she can give you are lame excuses and brush off's, then you're being foolish sitting around "waiting" for her to change. She won't change. She's comfortable with how things are. There needs to be a major disturbance in her life in order for her to re-evaluate what's important to her. Otherwise, she's going to float right along, doing the exact same things, giving you the exact same answers. It's human nature. No one likes to rock the boat. We like our comfy little lives to stay predictable and the same... but we take for granted what we have when we feel it will never go away. We delude ourselves into thinking it'll always stay this way. That we can treat a person anyway we want because tomorrow they'll still be there. The ONLY time most people even take a moment to evaluate what they have is when there is an eminent threat of losing that person. A family member is stricken with a terminal illness, a bad accident, a bf telling you that he is leaving for good....

 

Give her one chance to wake up. If nothing changes, then don't be afriad to walk away permenantly. You deserve to be loved and appreciated. You deserve to be shown how great you are, and how much you are valued. You've been giving that freely to this woman for 3 years. Don't you deserve to be treated as well as you treated her? Respect yourself enough to demand that you be treated as you treat others. Because if you don't respect yourself.... no one else will respect you either.