coco_milkshake Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 I dunno where to begin. i am a 21 yr old sikh girl from glasgow. To put it mildly, this year has been absolute hell. being an indian it is unacceptable in my culture to date as arranged marriage is the norm. This is my story. I am the youngest of 5 daughters in my family. Being a girl I wasnt allowed to go out, have friends, do things that kids normally do cos "indian girls dont do that". I never really understood that reason. because of this I was bullied and tormented a lot in school. I never socialised with any of my classmates outside school hours, not because I didnt want to, its because I wasnt allowed to. Fast forward to this year. I had a job since early 2005, and met someone from there in september...my first boyfriend. I had to hand over my paychecks to my parents, and once I was forced to quit in february this year they made me give them control of all my savings bank account which were 4,000 pounds - roughly $8,000 US. I never saw a penny of my year's worth of work. So early this year my family found out about me having a bf - a capital sin. I was forced to break it with him, forced to quit work and forced to stay inside the house for 5 months - only been allowed outside the house unescorted 3 times in those 5 months. Now since uni started again I'm only allowed to go there and back home. I am not allowed to have friends, hang out around white people, talk on the phone or even on the internet with people. My e-mail and msn are monitorred by a sister. I am not allowed to choose my hairstyle or the clothes I wear. Since then on I got pushed, spit on, grabbed by the jaw, forcefully held, threatened to be "dealt with", be "put in place", have my face rearranged, I get called all names under the sun, must have been called a bitc*h thousands of times, get yelled at and put down for the stupidest of reasons like forgetting to dry the dishes. I felt guilty many times about all this, that I deserve it for dishonouring my family by having a bf, I'm beginning to think about leaving after I graduate in July now but don't know if I'll have the strength... Link to post Share on other sites
InsanityImpaired Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Awwww, what an awful situation to be in. You have widely different opinions on what you'd like to do, and what your parents prescribe to and for you. That is hard to deal with - and from what you describe it is not something that can be discussed at all. Rather, any further discussion will make your family more suspicious, and that is something you don't need either. Any decision like that will have severe consequences, as you are well aware. I wish I were familiar with UK laws, and the legal possibilities someone would have in your position, so I could give you some direction. I hope other board members can offer you more information and direction. I am confident that you can find the strength in yourself. Even though such a move would mean losing your family, and be an outcast in the Sikh / Indian community, it also means you can draw support from your boyfriend, perhaps from some people you have met in school. And draw support from yourself - you know why you want to live a different life. You know the consequences, both good and bad, of that desire. And in the times the bad seems to outweigh the good, look at your boyfriend, look at your friends, remember your own dreams, to keep pursuing your cause. You are a smart woman. You are fighting for something which is very dear to you. That in itself is a noble cause, even though many around you do not understand your cause. And at times you may lose heart, but you'll remind yourself for what you are fighting. To live life as you please, and not being prescribed how to act, how to live, by others. I wish you well, and wish I could do more than write some words. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 You've definitely been abused, of that there is no doubt. If you could select your future what would you do? Would you go with an arranged marriage or would you want to choose your own husband or even be single and date for a while? My guess is that if you have experienced abuse like this from your family that your husband would have no problem doing the same to you and with your family's support and encouragement. What do you want for yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 I have enjoyed your posts since yoi've joined ! What you are saying here is worse than most abused woman go through, and nothing I can even wrap my head around in america. Please Pm me if you really want to adress this head on. best wishes, melody Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Coco, here's a link to the Scottish Women's Aid website http://www.scottishwomensaid.co.uk/ There's a freephone number there. If you call it, you can get detailed advice and support tailored to your situation. They can also assist those who are being abused with finding safe accommodation. Link to post Share on other sites
Ripples Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 You must feel really, really bad. That's a terrible situation to find yourself in, especially as it's through no fault of your own. Are you able to contact the link Lindya's given? Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Hi, just saying I also gave her that link and phone # and she has contacted that organization about a week ago and has an appointment on wednesday...but apart from counselling there isn't much they can do unless she decides to stay in one of their shelters. What do you guys think she should do? Personally I keep telling her I think she should move out now and not wait till july... Link to post Share on other sites
Ripples Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Oh well, I'd be tempted to advise just the same, CP. However, I don't know the OPs college situation and if it would make it very difficult for her to graduate. If CO is receiving counselling she may find the strength and support she needs to stick it out until July, but if the violence doesn't stop, then her safety must come first, of course. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Hi, just saying I also gave her that link and phone # and she has contacted that organization about a week ago and has an appointment on Wednesday...but apart from counseling there isn't much they can do unless she decides to stay in one of their shelters. What do you guys think she should do? Personally I keep telling her I think she should move out now and not wait till july... First of all thank you (and Lindya) for giving that link to coco_milkshake. In my opinion what we think coco_milkshake should do isn't likely to have an impact on coco. What she knows to be true for her is intertwined with the damage of years of abuse creating a situation where she is pulled in two different directions. The scary unknown (which isn't that scary in reality) and being subjected to abusive behavior that she knows in her heart is wrong. The problem is that while coco knows that the abusive behavior is wrong and the best thing to do would be to leave, there are these thoughts and feelings that tell her anything she does independently is wrong. The likelihood of coco getting out now is slim because she is still able to tolerate the abuse that has in many ways become normal for her. The best thing that could happen for coco is to have the support of the counseling service and to have a few good friends that she can count on to be there in her time of need should she decide to leave. This isn't about simply leaving and resuming a normal life. For coco it would be like a re-birth into the normal world after having been in a chaotic drama of abuse all her life. Yes, I believe coco would love her new independent life in time, but she may need help learning what is normal, what is acceptable and so on. Counseling is fine but a couple or a few close friends to really be there for coco would make things so much easier, acceptable and likely to happen. Here is a link that I found inspiring... The Greatest Escape. Special for Victims of Domestic Violence Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Well said Craig...she has that couple of close friends I can consider myself one of them...although only through the internet but it's better than nothing. Personally I came to the belief she has a form of Stockholm's syndrome...ok enough of me for now waiting for coco to post Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 Hi everyone, thanks for replying back. The situation is difficult to say the least. The sunday that just passed, I got so much abuse thrown at me from my mum because I forgot to dry the dishes. She said that my in-laws will never tolerate my attitude and that they will complain to her that she has not taught me anything. She then said that she knows I dont study all the time upstairs and said that I wanted her to think that I was then asked :"do you think I am stupid?" - I said I never said that and I told her that I was not a robot that I was going to study 24/7 so obviously I am going to take a break. She said I should be helping her during it. She went on and on and on and I kept my mouth shut but then she said: "you are a b****" - naturally I defended myself and she said that I am a complete b**** and if I wasnt then I wouldnt hurt her (ie date my ex). She then said that if I ever had a problem then she will sort it out and she said it in a threatening tone - I said she cant lift a finger on me and thats when she got cocky, asking me what I will do if she did and that I should hand her into the police if that makes me happy. It was my dad's day off and she told him what I had said to her during the argument but conveniently missed out the part where she swore at me. My dad had a word with her and she apologised and it seemed genuine - 2nd time in my life I have heard an apology from her...she justified her reasons by saying "she makes me so mad she makes me swear at her". Just as well I had the house to myself that evening, I could cry so openly. Had another argument yesterday, my sister said with my "background" I should be making an effort with mum and my other sister said "you dont have a leg to stand on, mum and dad were too nice to let you back in after what you did" Im at my wits end right now. The counselor I have is very nice. In my session yesterday I thought I was going to end up counselling him because he felt very sad hearing about my situation...lol. Im coping..sort of but I have support such as cardplay3r who has been great to me. Im getting there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 I have enjoyed your posts since yoi've joined ! What you are saying here is worse than most abused woman go through, and nothing I can even wrap my head around in america. Please Pm me if you really want to adress this head on. best wishes, melody Thanks Melody, I am having trouble PMing...dont know what is happening rofl. Link to post Share on other sites
InsanityImpaired Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Before you can get access to the PM feature, you need to make an x - number of posts in a y - number of days. These numbers seem to vary. Or become a paying member (IIRC), but that may not be an option at the moment for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 Before you can get access to the PM feature, you need to make an x - number of posts in a y - number of days. These numbers seem to vary. Or become a paying member (IIRC), but that may not be an option at the moment for you. Oh right. Ta for that piece of info. Link to post Share on other sites
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