IpAncA Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Hello I don't know where to start but I don't know how much more I can take of being my mothers sounding post. My parents are not as close as they used to be so when they fight or get into heavy disagreements my mother calls me and tells me ALL about it. It just hurts me so bad to hear how my mother talks about my father and I love them both very much. I get so depressed after hearing all this stuff about what happends at home and how he does this and that and I can't take it anymore:( Most of the time after I get off the phone I just cry because I don't like hearing about that stuff. I know what goes on but I don't want to be reminded of it. I don't want to tell my mom not to talk about it because she has no one to talk to about it so I'm stuck with it. I feel like I have to be there for her but I'm not her THERAPIST!! She even told me she shouldn't tell me but does anyways. Like today, she called me and told me about how they weren't celebrating Christmas and all this horrible stuff and I didn't know what to say. And of course I cried on the way home because it was just so hurtful to hear what is going on and I can't do anything about it. I live to far away and I feel like I should be there and I'm not. :( I guess I don't know what to do because I feel so bad for my mother but the same time I just want them to get along. And to make it worse, like a week later everything is fine between them.. Link to post Share on other sites
BareGoddess Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can relate though. My grandparents did this to me. It wasn't from ONE side only but from BOTH. It was disturbing and upsetting. I grew up with them and knew nothing about their problems. I have the best memories of trips they took we grandkids on and holidays we spent together. And then as an adult, I was periodically subjected to this same thing. I finally told my grandparents that I didn't want to hear about that. Have you tried that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author IpAncA Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 I have told her that but she makes me feel guilty and I feel bad too because we have such a close bond and I don't want to mess that up. I feel like if I shut her up about it that she will hate me or something. Hope that makes sense. I feel like I have to listen but I don't want too. I contacted my brother and told him AGAIN what's going on and that he needs to step in or something because I can't do this by myself. He's flying in to their home and spending Christmas with them so hopefully he can do something. I don't know but he doesn't believe me 100 percent so we'll see. I feel like I want to call my dad and just yell at him but I don't because I don't want to start anything between my parents. He doesn't know that I know whats going on between them. This always happends around the holiday's and I'm sick of it. I told my mom that if she is so DAM unhappy then to leave but she won't because she loves him to much. Go fig on that. Link to post Share on other sites
BareGoddess Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 You have to grow a spine and be STRONG! Do not let her guilt-trip you. You're an adult now, aren't you? Tell her to get a therapist or a girlfriend but that you are just not comfortable hearing about problems between your mother and father and that she's being selfish for putting you in that position. I'd tell her, "Mom, that doesn't mean I don't love you but I wonder how much you love ME if you're willing to put this burden on me. Please go talk to someone else about this and let me be just your daughter and not your therapist, ok?" Can you do that? Stand up to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IpAncA Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 Yeah I stand up to her to all the time when she's out of line but for some reason when it comes to this I just can't. I don't know why. I know she is just all talk and she ALWAYS tells me that I shouldn't know about it and I'm like "then why tell me?" And of course she doesn't say anything or worse changes the subject which I don't like. I just don't want her to feel like I side with my dad or don't care because I do care. But it's just sucking the life out of me. She does talk to her friends about it but not in depth like she does with me. I know she is right about my dad but like I said I don't want to remember him like that. It is getting worse for them because my dad just retired so he adjusting to that etc... Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Hmm well she's using you as her venting valve...you need to get tough and tell her to stop, tell her "look I've given you my advice of what to do, if you don't want to listen then stop complaining to me, if you stay with him it means you accept whatever happens". After telling her that, if she continues just hang up on her...and keep doing that till she gets the picture. What's going on there if you want to share...got a bit worried when you said she was "right about my dad" is he hitting her or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Author IpAncA Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 No no no, nothing like that. Don't worry she's fine. What is happening is that he is so wrapped up in himself and does things that benefit him and no one else. He also spends lots of hours on the computer looking at things and my mom doesn't like it for reasons. I can't help her there because their my parents and I don't feel comfortable talking to her as to why he does it. No way. He also doesn't share ANYTHING and puts guilt trips on her for many other things too. Especially when it comes to paying the bills and using HIS money. He was like that when I used to live there too but it's getting worse. The man HAS issues. He's becoming his own father which he swore to never do. I have told her that I don't know what to say. I've tried helping her out but I can't say a lot because I'm her daughter and it wouldn't be appropriate. I talked to her this morning and she sounded fine and her and my dad were laughing. I was like WTF??? Come on. I asked her why she gets so worked up over nothing and then a day later she is fine. She told me "I don't know. I'm just talking". Gee thanks. You know what they need is counseling but they won't do it because their so dam stubborn. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Yeah I stand up to her to all the time when she's out of line but for some reason when it comes to this I just can't. I don't know why. Yes you can. You first have to lose the idea that she'll hate you or be mad at you or whatever. Even if she is she'll get over it. You can do anything if you put your mind to it. So do. Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Well then...you asked what to do...you know there's only one thing you can do, which is giver her the advice then if she doesn't take it tell her to stop complaining to you, and hang up on her when she does. You can't have both, keep talking to her without fighting her over it and hope to convince her to stop.,...the older people get the harder they are to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IpAncA Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 Well then...you asked what to do...you know there's only one thing you can do, which is giver her the advice then if she doesn't take it tell her to stop complaining to you, and hang up on her when she does. You can't have both, keep talking to her without fighting her over it and hope to convince her to stop.,...the older people get the harder they are to change. Yeah I know. I'm not going to hang up on her because thats rude but I'm going to talk to her again and see. I don't know what she wants me to say. I really don't. I just don't understand why she feels that I should know about it. Usually she'll say "I know you don't want to know but I'm going to tell you anyways." The thing that gets me is if I complain to her she just trys to change the subject or says she has to go or gets mad, etc... It's ok for her but not me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IpAncA Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 Yes you can. You first have to lose the idea that she'll hate you or be mad at you or whatever. Even if she is she'll get over it. You can do anything if you put your mind to it. So do. Well of course I can do anything if I put my mind to it . I don't know. Maybe it was all those years of listening to it and seeing it myself that I must be crazy to think that I could get away from it. It's like I'm a part of it or something and I don't even live there. Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Well Ipanca it's your choice in the end...I think hanging up on someone unprovoked would be rude, but when she's driving you crazy like that and won't stop I think it would be an appropiate response. But if you choose to keep talking to her, then you're accepting this as it is...like I said you can't have it both ways.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IpAncA Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 I see what your saying. I'm just going to have to put my foot down I guess and see what happends. This doesn't happen all the time. Probably about 3-4 times out of the year so thats not bad but it doesn't mean that I have to listen to it. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
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