sweating the small stuff?

[Alethea]

my significant other and i have been together for about nine months. after the initial "honeymoon phase", we've had a few arguments, which i feel are normal for any growing relationship. however, the last few times i have expressed frustration over certain issues, he tells me, in essence, that i'm being petty, and i end up apologizing when i'm not so sure i was wrong. for instance, he has a rather high-pressure job, and i am presently a student. he had made some remarks that made me feel like he saw being a student as an invalid occupation, and so i expressed frustration at being made to feel like what i'm doing isn't worthwhile. instead of discussing this, he immediately became very upset- rather extreme anger, in fact- and said that he didn't understand why these little things bother me so much. this same discussion has been repeated with variation a few times since.

so, i guess my questions are: am i being petty, and is this something that i need to work on (ie. learning to choose my battles)? and, why does he become so very angry when i am expressing what i think is a pretty valid frustration? finally, am i being a doormat for ending up falling all over myself apologizing, or should i be less critical to begin with?

thanks for taking the time to read all this.

~Alethea

[Tony T]

YOU ASK:

 

1. "am i being petty, and is this something that i need to work on (ie. learning to choose my battles)?"

 

No, he has no reason to demean your status as a student or to cut you down in any other way. Relationships are based on mutual respect. He is either very immature or very disrespectful or both and lacks the depth of understanding and elasticity of thought necessary to carry on a successful relationship.

 

2. "and, why does he become so very angry when i am expressing what i think is a pretty valid frustration?"

 

Because he is either very immature or extremely stupid. You are not with a grown man here, you are with a dud who doesn't know how to deal with life in a mature, rational fashion...sorry, babes!

 

3. "finally, am i being a doormat for ending up falling all over myself apologizing, or should i be less critical to begin with?"

 

Well, I don't think you're necessarily being a doormat but you need to be assertive and get him to see your side of the story (if that's possible) without backing off. If he continues to berate you for the person you are, get rid of him.

 

If you stay around him and continue to take his lack of courtesy and respect, this will all be your fault. You need a MAN, not a child to raise.

 

Oh, I forgot to mention...in my opinion, your guy is a selfish bxstard as well....sorry.

[velvet]

Is this because your a full time student? Whats behind his pressure? If because your a student creates these disagreements and he feels he needs help with living it wouldn't be so bad to find at least a part time position that works in with your schedule's.

 

Everyone has their arguments. Don't say your sorry any more.

[Alethea]

i have two part-time jobs, as well as a high-paying summer internship. we don't live together, anyway. the issue is not so much what we're arguing about, except insofar as he thinks i'm being petty, but rather the way in which we argue. the more i think about it, the more i think this is a respect issue.

[velvet]

Women hold grudges, men do not. So you will find at many times that when you want to argue about something that happened yesterday it probably going to piss him off because he has already forgotten about it.

 

Choose your battles wisely. Don't give up on getting you point across. Don't say your sorry or fall to his level and agree that he is right about everything. Ugh, make me sick!

 

You just have to train him the way he has gotten you trained. If he cannot change his ways then your in for a major disappointment in the future. He will try to manipulate and control you for as long as your together.