How Would You Feel?

[GreenEyedLady]

Ch2: Thanks...it was tough for a long time but I made it through and learned alot about life and myself...GEL

[RecordProducer]

"what the enemy meant to destroy me' date=' G-d used for my good." [/quote']I like that one a lot.

 

I've been neither cheated on or the mistress, but I'll try to tell you how I would feel. If my husband cheated on me, I would feel so awful, so angry, so betrayed (especially if he would get busted and not confessed the affair himself), I could never ever forgive him. I am pretty sure I would exit the marriage. In any case, it would be ruined.

 

If I were the mistress (I would never let myself, I HAVE rejected a MM in the past, because I realized that I could fall in love with a MM and wanted to avoid it), I would feel much, much better than his wife, of course. I would feel bad though about hiding, about him spending the holidays with his wife, and most of all, about sharing him with another woman.

 

I must admit though that I can't clearly imagine myself as a mistress. I think it would be completely different from how I imagine it now. But I can perfectly imagine the horror of being cheated on.

 

If I were the cheater, I would feel so horribly, so guilty and dirty, that it would ruin my life, not necessarily the relationship. If I could choose I would most gladly be the mistress, even with all the torture and the sad outcome that OW describe, then betrayed wife, and then the cheater.

 

Affair I can get over - I would divorce and move on. But I couldn't stay married to someone knowing that I cheated. The guilt would destroy me. I have cheated though, but it was when I didn't care about the guy one bit or knew that he didn't care and was a jerk to me for a long time.

 

I have to say I never really hated the OM

It's different when it's the opposite sex. No direct rivalry, you only mentally know that it's cheating, but in your heart it's different. If my husband had an affair with another man, the marriage would certainly be over, but I wouldn't feel the jealousy (and hatred) I would feel for another woman. It's natural. If he had a one-night stand, I would be grossed out a bit and I would surely not like it because of the STD's, but I wouldn't really be jealous. I would be more jealous if he just commented that he finds another woman sexy than if he would ask me "Can I sleep with a man?"

 

It's because deep inside we do understand that another woman is replacing us. Another man means that he needs another type of love or sex. Well my husband is 100% heterosexual.

[NoIDidn't]

Whoa!!! GEL, did you say another man? That had to hard to deal with. Really. Thanks for sharing. I have an acquaintance that I met through working with her husband in performing and she is probably going to have to deal with it someday too. I can only imagine how hard your decision was to stay or go.

 

WOW. Just, wow.

[Romeo Must Die]

As I have said, I am the BW but that was not my choice. However if I had to choose between being the BW or the OW I would choose BW.

 

I was the responsible one. The honorable one. My trust and my faith was used against me to facilitate the affair. Romeo took advantage of me when I was grieving the death of my teen son. I was pregnant and lost a son. I was vulnerable. The most he ever did for me was take the kids to the park so I could stay home and rest, but that was his reason to hook up with the OW, so that hardly counts as being a supportive husband now does it? As far as I'm concerned, he screwed me over during the worst time of my life (when I needed him the most) and I cant even count how many times I was always there for him when any other woman would have dumped him in a heartbeat.

 

I would never be OW. Never. I would cut my right arm off before I would betray my husband or put another woman or family through this pain. She didnt just take away my husband for a little while, she forever desecrated my sons memorial for me, I see it everytime I look at it even though the graffiti was cleaned up. I dont go there anymore. I trigger too badly. She took away the bonding time with our last baby, and my infant had to spend her first year without a dad around, while he was telling stories to the OW how he never wanted children with me. I wish it was just an affair, this was messing with me through my kids and she can rot in hell for what she has done.

 

[puddleofmud]

As I have said, I am the BW but that was not my choice. However if I had to choose between being the BW or the OW I would choose BW.

 

I was the responsible one. The honorable one. My trust and my faith was used against me to facilitate the affair. Romeo took advantage of me when I was grieving the death of my teen son. I was pregnant and lost a son. I was vulnerable. The most he ever did for me was take the kids to the park so I could stay home and rest, but that was his reason to hook up with the OW, so that hardly counts as being a supportive husband now does it? As far as I'm concerned, he screwed me over during the worst time of my life (when I needed him the most) and I cant even count how many times I was always there for him when any other woman would have dumped him in a heartbeat.

 

I would never be OW. Never. I would cut my right arm off before I would betray my husband or put another woman or family through this pain. She didnt just take away my husband for a little while, she forever desecrated my sons memorial for me, I see it everytime I look at it even though the graffiti was cleaned up. I dont go there anymore. I trigger too badly. She took away the bonding time with our last baby, and my infant had to spend her first year without a dad around, while he was telling stories to the OW how he never wanted children with me. I wish it was just an affair, this was messing with me through my kids and she can rot in hell for what she has done.

 

 

Ok, I am in tears. Please believe that I am deeply sorrowful for what happened to you. I don't really know what to say other than that I am deeply affected.

If I may, hopefully without offending you, I wish to speak with you Mother to Mother and tell you that you are a wonderful Mother to have shouldered so much for your children. I admire you and respect you for all you have done to keep your family together. Both for your son and your little daughter.

Your son's life is one to be honored. Your daughters birth and life is the same. Bless you for doing your best in this and know that you are allowed each and every feeling.

YOU, being the Mother is what is most precious and honorable. You not only gave life; you provide life despite your own pain.

We are all so very blessed that two beautiful children came in to our world. We are all without when even one child leaves too early.

For those who don't realize then I would say as you "may they rot".

But concentrating on when or how they rot may not be our call.

Justice will prevail at some point and I would like for you and your family to be able to concentrate on your love for each other and not be "robbed" twice!

You have been robbed enough. I implore you to not allow another minute be stolen.

[kymberann]

Well, I have also been a BW and a Ow. My first husband cheated on me, about one year into the marriage. Many of my friends had their suspicions before I even did. I didn't even want to look at it and did the denial bit. But I couldn't ignore it any longer and I felt like a fool because everybody else knew before I did! He would take her out aroun town and introduce her to mutual acquaintences and friends. It get's worse. She was also our baby sitter so they hadthe perfect oppurtunity to have their time as she baby say during the day while I worked and H was supposed to be asleep because he worked a night shift. I must say I was initially heart broken, destroyed, down trodden. I questioned my self worth, value, ability to be in a relationship. However, after the initial shock, it led me to leave an already unhealthy relationship. There were many other issues at play. I went and lived in a domestic violence shelter for about two weeks and took my one year old with me. I got a restraining order and then sought divorce. Working on the M would have been way too much effort than healing from the hurt. When i look back at it, I can honestly say that if it weren't for the BW situation I probably wouldn't be a lot of the person that i am now.

 

As for the OW, well been there too. I know we all say, "I would never do that". I even ended a friendship a long time ago because my friend confided with me that she was cheating. I was disgusted. Now I regret I ever did that to her. Just goes to prove you can't judge others based on your own lack or abundance of experience and wisdom.

[NoIDidn't]

You not only gave life; you provide life despite your own pain. We are all so very blessed that two beautiful children came in to our world. We are all without when even one child leaves too early.

For those who don't realize then I would say as you "may they rot".

But concentrating on when or how they rot may not be our call.

Justice will prevail at some point and I would like for you and your family to be able to concentrate on your love for each other and not be "robbed" twice!

You have been robbed enough. I implore you to not allow another minute be stolen.

 

This is so sweet.

 

I'd also like to add to this Romeo. Mother to mother and once betrayed to once betrayed.

 

Tackle those triggers slowly. Baby steps. What she did to his memorial was her own jealousy and fear. Think of the OW in your case as a woman that doesn't even know the source of her pain. Return to your son's memorial and think only of him. Even if you can only do it for 1 minute. Each time you do it, you reclaim a bit of him and yourself back.

 

Some people don't know what it is to love so deeply and grieve in kind. In her grief over losing your H as her AP, she struck out against the wrong person. She doesn't know real love. Don't let her take away your memories. Reclaim them.

[puddleofmud]

We think we hurt but we can never know another's pain. And I agree so much with the previous post--take it one step at a time.

It must have taken great courage to have written this in a public place. The door is open and if one wishes to say more I will listen even if that may be all I can do.

Bless you dear ones.

[outofdarkness]

As I have said, I am the BW but that was not my choice. However if I had to choose between being the BW or the OW I would choose BW.

 

I was the responsible one. The honorable one. My trust and my faith was used against me to facilitate the affair. Romeo took advantage of me when I was grieving the death of my teen son. I was pregnant and lost a son. I was vulnerable. The most he ever did for me was take the kids to the park so I could stay home and rest, but that was his reason to hook up with the OW, so that hardly counts as being a supportive husband now does it? As far as I'm concerned, he screwed me over during the worst time of my life (when I needed him the most) and I cant even count how many times I was always there for him when any other woman would have dumped him in a heartbeat.

 

I would never be OW. Never. I would cut my right arm off before I would betray my husband or put another woman or family through this pain. She didnt just take away my husband for a little while, she forever desecrated my sons memorial for me, I see it everytime I look at it even though the graffiti was cleaned up. I dont go there anymore. I trigger too badly. She took away the bonding time with our last baby, and my infant had to spend her first year without a dad around, while he was telling stories to the OW how he never wanted children with me. I wish it was just an affair, this was messing with me through my kids and she can rot in hell for what she has done.

 

I am still here, just observing...reading..and trying to learn something.

[Romeo Must Die]

Thanks everybody. His name was Randy. The memorial is a new basketball court in a public park (for the kids) in his name. The xOW's house is two doors down from there and if she knew I was there she would follow me. What an impossible situation. His memorial plaque is in the west corner of the new asphalt. It served its purpose, and now I just keep my memorial in my head. NC is NC is NC.

 

My mini-rant was mostly about Romeo, it's been a long time since the affair, but a little bitching now and then is healthy. My husband chose to be a WS and thereby chose this BW role for me. Romeo & the OW together made that my reality.

 

I chose not to be OW or the WS either. I am honorable and I'd rather hang on to that. I have let go of things I have no control over. This was not my affair. I have lost alot in this life, but never my sense of self. Romeo knows that I would leave him before I would burn him. Leaving him would be the worst thing I could do to him. I'd cut him out of my life completely. We would not even be friends anymore.

 

I didnt beg him to stay either, I gave him to her. I got my own place, my own car. I started picking up the pieces and getting my life together fast. Without my husband holding my hand. I didnt ask him for anything. He had to decide for himself what he wanted. It just didnt happen overnight as long as he had somebody else to focus on. Himself.

 

As a BW we deal with a foul tempered WS full of blameshifting and vindictiveness to level out his guilt. Then when we reconcilled (her D-day) the OW started attacking me to get to him. That included more issues than 'just an affair' at that point. As a BW in R, you have to deal with FWS guilt too for a time as well as your own pain, sometimes multiple d-days, when you'd just about wish you were dead, too, or hope to God somebody would take you away from that, but realisticly, that is never going to happen. I wouldnt trust it even if the opportunity did present itself for me.

 

Its up to you to save yourself.

 

[puddleofmud]

I am most honored and gracious to know your son's name.

I have two junior Romeos of my own to whom I wish to teach integrity, honesty, kindness, respect.

If you would allow, I will speak to them about this so that they may learn.

May all that is kind be with you.

[frannie]

For me i honestly have been cheated on and I have been a cheater also...

 

Being cheated on is a horrible feeling. But if I had to put myself in my MM wifes shoes. I would have to say I would have saw this coming. And I would have probably left at that point. Being with someone for anyother reason then love is pointless. It isnt goint to go anywhere.

 

I think I would rather be happy on my own with my children and have him happy on his own and being a happy good father to his children.

 

My response to the question is pretty similar.

 

I don't know a lot about their marriage, but from what he says (and the information I have from observation of his habits): there's no intimacy, no long conversations, no 'their time'... only them taking one or other child to events. He stays at my place for days at a time and just rings to say 'night' to the children in the evening for 5-10 minutes.

 

That would not suit me... I would be devastated to have a 'relationship' like that. And I would probably suspect he was having an affair.

 

Either way, I would have had to talk to him about it, try to get back to some kind of intimacy, and if that didn't work, I'd be making plans for separation. I would already have brought it up.

 

If I found out that he was having an affair, that would just be the final nail in the coffin and divorce would happen. IF it was me, and he'd gone behind my back despite my best efforts to make the relationship work I'd be unbelievably angry with him and wouldn't think him worth my time.

 

Of course, that wouldn't happen... I'm not her... she's not me. She seems to be ok with what they have, and I wouldn't be. If a relationship is so far apart that people don't speak from one day to the next... then it's over for me. I always end a relationship when communication has broken down, and the other person is no longer trying.

[frannie]

exactly what should happen but HE has not given her the opportunity to choose this because he continues to lie about his relationship with you. He continues in the marriage charade while having you on the side.

 

But everyone has a choice to end a marriage if they're unhappy with that person. It doesn't matter what he might or might not be doing... the choice is still there for the W.

 

As I said in my previous answer, things wouldn't have got to this point with me: I'd have confronted him about the state of the relationship by then (I'm talking about my own MM now, not 'any and every MM'). And if things were continuing between us as they are between MM's W and he, then I think I'd strongly suspect he was playing away. Certainly it wouldn't be a relationship I'd set much store by... it's empty...

 

... of course I can't be 100% sure of anything, this is just based on what I know, and as I've said, that's not much.

[frannie]

I couldn't stay married to someone knowing that I cheated. The guilt would destroy me. I have cheated though, but it was when I didn't care about the guy one bit or knew that he didn't care and was a jerk to me for a long time.

 

I think this is when some people (who otherwise wouldn't be a cheat), do find themselves cheating... when the relationship has broken down so far that there's virtually nothing left, nothing to 'spoil', and you've become so distanced from the other person that you could almost not care less.

[yousaveme]

But everyone has a choice to end a marriage if they're unhappy with that person. It doesn't matter what he might or might not be doing... the choice is still there for the W.

 

As I said in my previous answer, things wouldn't have got to this point with me: I'd have confronted him about the state of the relationship by then (I'm talking about my own MM now, not 'any and every MM'). And if things were continuing between us as they are between MM's W and he, then I think I'd strongly suspect he was playing away. Certainly it wouldn't be a relationship I'd set much store by... it's empty...

 

... of course I can't be 100% sure of anything, this is just based on what I know, and as I've said, that's not much.

 

 

 

I agree with this statement. We all have choices. People dont make them for us. If you are unhappy in a relationship you have the choice to stay or back out of it.

 

I would think if you really want your relationship to work as soon as you see things are wrong for you and your partner you would try and make them work.

 

My relationship is not going to be looked at with approval. I accept that. But we both know were we have made mistakes in the past and dont want that for us now. We talk through it and make it better.

[Trialbyfire]

If you are the BW, how would you feel as the OW. This may call for some imagination on the part of some of the more recent BWs as you probably feel you would never do such a thing. But I am asking for you to imagine. Imagine the man you M'd however many years ago, how he was when you were dating. Imagine him being like that towards you, but you are the OW, not his W. How would you feel?

 

It's very difficult to imagine this because I'm slimed at work daily. I work in an industry with men who are wealthy, confident and as far as I'm concerned, don't have much moral fiber because most of them are married or with an s/o, which never seems to stop them. Not once have I been tempted with the committed ones. I've heard so many sob stories about how the wives are gold-digging evil women. I don't believe any of them and even when I do, I've never indulged.

 

I have dated a few of the nicer, single ones but never really got attached.

[bonehead]

I have been both and I can say they both suck!!

 

Actually if you stop and think about it both are alot alike.

 

Both put a person in a position that normally they wouldnt chose to be in.

 

The BS has a spouse who is breaking vows, the OP has a person breaking promises. ( in general, I know not all MP make promises to their OP )

 

Ive got a really bad sinus infection so I cant look at the screen to long, but will try and post more later.

[pureinheart]

Having been both, one would think there would be adequet understanding. My understanding was quite limited until reading all of the posts and replies. All of the counceling in the world could not have brought this type of clarity.

[bonehead]

I might get bashed for this one, but really, step back and look!!!!!!!!

 

Everyone says the OW made a choice. While yes I do think there are some out there who target MP I dont think its the norm.

 

But at the same time BS has made a choice. The BS has made a choice to stay with a partner who has or is straying.

 

People say the OP must be blind or accepting lower then they should being second best. But at the same time the BS may be doing the same thing.

 

The OP may be lowering themselves by taking what they can get, but what is the BS doing staying with the WS while an affair is on going??

[norajane]

Everyone says the OW made a choice. While yes I do think there are some out there who target MP I dont think its the norm.

 

The OP has a choice even if s/he's not targeting anyone. Even if the the WS targets you, you have the option of saying no (unless, of course, you don't know the is married) and holding back. But if you know the WS is married, one way or another, you make a choice to move forward.

 

The OP may be lowering themselves by taking what they can get, but what is the BS doing staying with the WS while an affair is on going??

Consider that many BS's don't know their spouse is wandering and an affair is ongoing. They aren't choosing to stay with the WS until after they find out about the affair - if they choose to stay at that time.

[bonehead]

The OP has a choice even if s/he's not targeting anyone. Even if the the WS targets you, you have the option of saying no (unless, of course, you don't know the is married) and holding back. But if you know the WS is married, one way or another, you make a choice to move forward.

 

Once the emotions are involved its not that easy. When someone makes you feel the best you have ever felt about yourself it becomes almost an addiction. Even if you have always said you wouldnt get involved with a MP your emotions and chemical responses take over.

 

Consider that many BS's don't know their spouse is wandering and an affair is ongoing. They aren't choosing to stay with the WS until after they find out about the affair - if they choose to stay at that time.

 

I saw the signs my wife was having an affair. I just didnt want to admit she would do that to me. You read alot of the BS posts and most of them when they look back see the signs.

[norajane]

Once the emotions are involved its not that easy. When someone makes you feel the best you have ever felt about yourself it becomes almost an addiction. Even if you have always said you wouldnt get involved with a MP your emotions and chemical responses take over.

 

I understand. But it's still a choice.

 

 

I saw the signs my wife was having an affair. I just didnt want to admit she would do that to me. You read alot of the BS posts and most of them when they look back see the signs.

 

Some people don't see the signs, or aren't looking for them at all. Hindsight is 20/20.

[Trialbyfire]

I saw the signs my wife was having an affair. I just didnt want to admit she would do that to me. You read alot of the BS posts and most of them when they look back see the signs.

I did see signs but couldn't understand what was going on. Needless to say, it made me suspicious and start to question. This only made things worse between us, pushing him further towards the unknown party. It was a terrible situation, one I can guarantee I would never put onto anyone else.

 

You can't put the onus on someone who is flailing around in the dark not knowing what's going on. Women's intuition only works so well...

 

Some people don't see the signs, or aren't looking for them at all. Hindsight is 20/20.

Yes, it's called trusting your partner.

[bonehead]

Women's intuition only works so well

 

lol Still the best lie detector in the world. Should be admissible in court. ( no sarcasim intended )

[NoIDidn't]

Thanks for keeping the thread going. I am still a little under the weather, but the time away from here has been good.

 

BH, thanks for chiming in. Be on the lookout for PM in a couple of days.

 

The OP may be lowering themselves by taking what they can get, but what is the BS doing staying with the WS while an affair is on going??

 

If the BS doesn't know that an affair is ongoing, they are going about the business of being married. If the BS does know that an affair is ongoing, maybe they are biding their time, deciding what they want to do.

 

A lot of noise is made about what the BS does or doesn't do during or after the affair. Personally, I don't think that it is anyone's business except the ones that made the vows. How many OPs complain that the non-others here keep telling them to get out of no-win situations when they didn't come for that advice? Well the same goes for the BSs. Its THEIR M, and no one elses. The decisions that are to be made are no one else's but those involved in the M. Not even the kids can MAKE the decision. Maybe influence it, but not make it.

 

I just know that my H is a good guy. In a way, I was his OW when we first got together. He didn't tell me that he hadn't totally ended his previous R. Like, BH's, it was definitely over (it wasn't a M, I might add), but he hadn't told her yet. I felt horrible. I knew about her as a friend, not as his GF. Well, the two of them maintained a friendship and he confessed to her that I did not know they were dating. But, good thing for me, she never blamed me for their breakup. They both saw it coming, just didn't want to be the first to say it.

 

It is so easy to be on either side of the fence. I wouldn't want to be on either by choice though, but I certainly understand how it happens. I exist because of two affairs. Just about every woman in my life has been an OW, knowing or not. I don't hate any of them. They are some of the strongest and smartest women I have ever met. But, most of the ones I know also don't set out to get some married guy.

 

I think both sides suck though. I agree with BH. Sucks for everyone involved.