I Need All The Response I Can Get

[vluna00]

Ok so where do I begin? I have been married for over a year and half and lets say that I have a "Special" relationship with the In Laws. My husband and I met in the military and are from two complete different worlds. He is from Arkansas and I was from Miami. So when it came to trying to find a place to settle he was really set on settling near his family because that is all he has known. I figured maybe that would be best because little country boy from a town less than 500 people might get stressed in a huge city. So I packed my bags said bye to my family and moved to Arkansas to be around his "Wonderful" family...

 

This wonderful family is just about the reason for any of our arguments. They live an hour away and we seem to have to make all the trips to see them. They only visit us when they are down in the "city" running errands. They drop in say hi and leave within an hour. This is the same family that my husband described as a close family? How is that? He wouldn't say anything until I start mentioning things. It really isn't his parents because they are indifferent with everyone and I don't put mind to it. However it bugs the living hell out of me when his siblings do awful things.

 

For instance, His sister lives 1 1/2 hours away from us and she had a real bad pregnancy. On my days off from work I would go to her place and stay the night so I can do all her work around the house since she was on bed rest. While the whole time there I would have to pull her teeth to have a conversation. Once I would leave she would call my husband to thank him. I thought I was there all night? Why is he getting called? If we go a while without seeing her she would call my husband and whine on how they haven't seen him in ever. (Even if they were in town the day before and called us after they left town).

 

Now his brother his TWIN brother is obviously upset about losing his other half. He also has the bad habit of visiting only we he has been in town all day and needs to use the facilities before heading back home. You can not say anything against this great brother because my husband gets upset. So I try to be civil. The twin and I don't see eye to eye because he is a grown man dating a 17 year old and thinks I am a "Bitch" (His own words) for not allowing him and he minor at my house. He is more than welcome to come by but I am a mother I will not have that in my house. But before the Minor incident my husband was called last minute to pack his bags and leave for a 2 month mission. Literally it was last minute (Less than 24 hours). We were in the middle of signing for a house and I have no family here to help with the moving. So he had ask his wonderful TWIN to help me move. I hadn't packed anything because I wanted to have the keys to the house before assuming that it was ours. So his Twin called me an hour after I signed and said that he would be in town in two days and he can move the stuff then. So I told him that I hadn't packed anything yet so I wasn't sure if he should waste his time for a box or so but I would call him and let him know if a got any futher in the packing worth making the trip for. So the day he called my husband to see if I was ready to move. This again? As if my phone doesn't work. My husband talked to me earlier and knew I wasn't so he told him maybe he can help me another day. Twin was all upset and complained how precious his time is. After I heard this, I called him I told him his services were no longer needed and I hired a moving company. (My husband is still upset about this, he says his brother would have helped) The entire time my husband was gone his family never looked for me.

 

Okay so Thanksgiving just passed. I was having Thanksgiving at my house, my mom and dad were coming in. We had plans with his side as well. His sister calls HIM 4 DAYS before Thanksgiving and says that they can't make it because they have a football game the next day they are going to... 4 days? Thanks now I have surplus in food. My husband doesn't understand why I am upset. So his sister is having a Christmas party and is dying to see us. I really don't want to go. Right now I am honestly drained with his siblings and to have alcohol around them isn't going to help. I would like for us not to go. It isn't even on Christmas, it is just there excuse to get together and get drunk. So I told him. He got all upset and thinks that I am being ridiculous. He also lectured me about already making plans with then about going and that we were going to stay there.... SO he decided he'd go anyway. He isn't upset so why should he not have fun? Are you serious? Aren't we one. Don't we have to do things we don't want to do sometimes to make the other happy? Why do I feel like I am being shafted?

[bab]

I don't like it when people just pop in without annoucing they are coming, so maybe that is why they don't drop in when they are in town. When was the last time that you invited them to your home. Maybe this is misunderstanding because you've never asked them to come?

[vluna00]

My door is open to anyone anytime and I have made that clear. I come from a family where privacy doesn't exist. I feel if it is family do you really need a reason to stop by? Reasons are for people you barely know. Why should it be that we need to go up there to see there face but they only come to visit us when there's free drinks? Double Standard

[vluna00]

the last time we invited them was for Thanksgiving the MIL and FIL don't leave their home at night, SIL cancelled because she was going to a football game Friday, and Twin was with his friends. ITS FRIGGIN THANKSGIVING! Before that we had a house warming party in October his sister showed up for like 2 hours and twin for 5 minutes. So I do invite... Maybe I am serving the wrong beer I dunno

[alphamale]

I don't know what to say Vulva00

[che_jesse]

Yeah its always sort of hard trying to ease into a family that is built in a different way then yours.

 

First of all your from a huge city, I spend lots of time in Miami as I'm from Tampa, so I know the city really well, and the people there.

 

Your husband is from BFE.

 

What about ethnically? Are you both Hispanic? If not that could be part of it as well.

 

My guy and me come from 2 totally different cultures and I gotta tell ya, its all I can do to keep from stabbing most of his family in the eye with a fork every time we have dinner. They decided they will hate me long before they ever met me.

 

My family on the other hand accepted him with open arms but my dad gets incredibly annoyed over little things my guy does, things to him that people just do, but my guy never thinks of them.

 

Its just different people raised in different ways and used to interacting with there family's in different ways.

 

Has your hubby tried talking to his family about making you feel welcome and taking it easy on you? Is anyone else in the family not from that town that you can sort of relate to?

[TYASAFAHICSI]

Heres what yo need to do---call Record Producer, swap notes. Solve the situation

[vluna00]

Well I'm hispanic and he is white. I try not to think that that would be the reason they are too difficult. If I would think that way stuff would be real bad. We have gone to California where I met some of his normal family and if I had a choice we move over there if he really needs his family but for some reason he thinks this hell hole is worth sticking around. Seriously though I never thought that maybe they just had a judgement on me prior to meeting me, thanks for shedding that light.

[alphamale]

Well I'm hispanic and he is white. .

I dont' understand the difference VULVA00....aren't you both caucasian?

[vluna00]

no we are not I am from the islands (PR) and he is from well Arkansas some mix of german, irish, polish, a dash of Native American, a hint of some other stuff.

[vluna00]

And VULVA is so not my name it luna not vagina Thank you anyway

[alphamale]

no we are not I am from the islands (PR) and he is from well Arkansas some mix of german, irish, polish, a dash of Native American, a hint of some other stuff.

yea but genetically you're both still caucasian. unless you have black ancestry

 

And VULVA is so not my name it luna not vagina Thank you anyway

oh sorry, i didn't see that

[vluna00]

I am just trying to figure out why I am the bad one because I don't want to smile anymore. I hope it isn't a racial thing though because we can't help who we are.

[Ladyjane14]

My in-laws HATED me when my husband and I got married. These days though, I'm their favorite daughter-in-law. It's like I walk on water.

My husband's own mother will look my man in the face and say, "She's the only one who could've put up with you all these years".

 

It's like 'eating a bear', sweetie. One bite at a time.

 

The one action that you can take that will help you the MOST... is to always try and see the best in your in-laws. If you give them 'the benefit of the doubt' in any given situation, you'll find less reason to build resentments.

 

Your husband's people are only just people, like any others. Sometimes they'll be nice, sometimes they'll be naughty. But unlike others, ALWAYS they'll be special to him.

 

I'll be honest, when it comes to my MIL... my husband would have to climb over my dead body at this point to find fault with her. I decided early on that I would see the BEST in her, and I've never been disappointed. I think maybe that's because once she realized that I had her best interest at heart, she didn't feel threatened by me anymore. After awhile, she could SEE me as a person, and not a potential impediment to her son's happiness.

 

Anyway, I often find myself in the role of 'peacemaker' privately with my husband, reminding him that his parents and siblings love him... even though he's sometimes offended with them. It's weird.

[bab]

I am just trying to figure out why I am the bad one because I don't want to smile anymore. I hope it isn't a racial thing though because we can't help who we are.

 

I doubt it's a racial thing in the sense that they are against you because you are Hispanic, but it could be a cultural thing. Meaning to you things that seem obvious to them are not and vice versa.

 

I'm telling you, I would NEVER just drop in on someone and stay for more than a couple minutes, even if they had said before that I could. I would suggest that you invite them up at a time that isn't a major holiday and see what happens.

[Lennox]

Just the fact they thank him for "sending" you over to help (like if he sent over his maid) says a lot. If they don't thank you, then you're less of a person in their eyes.

 

Alpha, if you're that easily confused over race issues, why don't you ask someone in the KKK if hispanic=white? I'm sure you would both get along splendidly.

 

Luna, what you're dealing with is the trailer trash part of your husband's family. They are ignorant and honestly, don't expect anything intelligent out of them. All you can really do is try to educate them, but don't expect them to learn easily.

 

Is there a "wrong" beer to serve to trailer trash? lol

[alphamale]

Alpha, if you're that easily confused over race issues, why don't you ask someone in the KKK if hispanic=white? I'm sure you would both get along splendidly.

Oh yeah the KKK is full of PhDs in genetics and sociology....what a bunch of buffoons. For you info LENNOX there are only 3 distinct "races" of humans and those are Caucasoid, Mongoloid and Negroid. Hispanics are not Mongoloid and they aren't Negroid (unless mixed) so the only race left is Caucasoid. People from the mid-east and the indian sub-continent are also considered caucasion.

[che_jesse]

Yeah what it sounds like is that your dealing with rednecks.

 

To them you jumped over the fence last week, it does not matter weather you were or were not born in this country.

 

They treat you completely without respect.

[Lennox]

Alpha, how you got so pompous coming from the rat infested cesspool called Metro Detroit is beyond me, but these people don't give a rat's ass about gene pools or your definitions of races.

 

They are redneck bigots, period.

[che_jesse]

Oh yeah the KKK is full of PhDs in genetics and sociology....what a bunch of buffoons. For you info LENNOX there are only 3 distinct "races" of humans and those are Caucasoid, Mongoloid and Negroid. Hispanics are not Mongoloid and they aren't Negroid (unless mixed) so the only race left is Caucasoid. People from the mid-east and the indian sub-continent are also considered caucasion.

 

 

Ok dear, I don't know what textbook from 1942 you copied that out of but most people with PhDs in genetics, sociology, and anthropology threw out the concept of race a long time ago.

 

For your betterment as a human being: There is more genetic variation within Africa then there is between someone from Africa and someone from any other part of the world. What used to be viewed as "race" is now seen as a curve of any certain trait spanning over the earth.

 

One of the great failures of genetics, sociology, and anthropology is there failure to get this concept out into the general public. Go read up on the topic on your own, to start with you might want to consider an entry level textbook in any of those three disciplines.

 

But we are not dealing with any of that, we are dealing with people in the middle of BFE and how they treat there new daughter / sister in law, and why they treat her as such. BFE is not full of PhD's either, its full of people living there lives by the convictions that they were brought up with, and those people see her as a FOB.

[vluna00]

Thanks to all that have responded to my everday headache.

 

I have an update...

 

So after the whole Thanksgiving disappointment I decided not to partake in their Christmas Let's-Get-Drunk-And-Stupid-Party. My husband refuses to stay home so he will be driving the 1 1/2 hour drive and will be staying there the night (Let's not go there). So anyway since I am not going with him there isn't any reason for his mother to watch my son and we cancelled the plans with her as well. Of course MIL gets all nervous because she is worried that I hate the family and don't want to hang out at her daughter's house. She begins to drill my husband on why I wasn't going to my SIL's house and if I was upset. He didn't tell her anything but as soon as he left she called the SIL who then called the Twin. Now the Twin has his panties in a bunch not because I am not going but because he thinks I'll "Brain Wash" my husband and not have him go. The SIL called my husband all day yesterday demanding to know why I wasn't going to her house. He told her to call me herself and she refused to do that. She just would go on and on with her excuses that in her eyes are legitimate and just wont shut up. She even tried to use the guilt card about having gifts there for us and what about the holidays' BLAh BLAH bLAH SHUT UP!

 

I didn't call her or her husband to yell, rant, or rave about how inconsiderate they were for canceling on Thanksgiving Dinner at the last minute and already had the food bought. I swallowed my anger and went on and kept eating the excessive leftovers for days to come.

 

My husband wants me to feel bad... I don't, should I?

 

And for humor sakes as soon as she was done burning his ears off she sent out an email to everyone she knows (including me) here it is:

 

Life is too short to hold grudges and to get mad about petty things.

 

Life should be enjoyed with the people you love and good friends.

 

Life shouldn't be full of stereotypes; get to know someone before you judge them.

 

Jesus taught to love one another and about forgiveness...does your heart need a new lesson?

 

What Ever

[Lennox]

I know it's irritating that he's going to go anyway without you and spend the night...but you really don't want him or any of his redneck family attempting to drive him home.

 

So they're still avoiding talking to you directly, then saying in emails that no one should pre-judge? Pot meet Kettle! LOL!

 

You're dealing with people that will go out and shoot an opposum, stuff it, roast it, and call it a turkey. As is typical with us Latina women, you probably have doted on your husband and really taken care of him. We usually take on the subservient role when it comes to them. Now that you're asserting yourself and not taking any crap from his family, they're going to cry foul. Let them cry all they want. They'll probably even infer that you don't like white people, even though you married one and screw one on a regular basis. My hubby is a white guy and his extended family consists of trailer trash too. I will cut my husband's nails for him, but I won't put up with crap from anyone else in his family.

 

You're taking the high road and for that, you should be commended!

[bab]

You're dealing with people that will go out and shoot an opposum, stuff it, roast it, and call it a turkey.

 

 

Nice. Good to see that you don't pre-judge people.

 

 

vluna,

They are upset that you aren't coming! What do you want from these people? They do things differently than your family, but they invited you to their home, and they are upset that you aren't coming because, they want you there! Yes they cancelled 4 days before Thanksgiving. That sucks. My in-laws cancelled 3 days before Thanksgiving this year because my FIL didn't feel like driving. Know what we did? Gave up Thanksgiving at our house all together and jumped in the car and went to their house.

Stop whining about how they are redneck bigots. Really, how can you think that about your family? Call your SIL and tell her that you feel that since the two of you are family that you want to be close to her. Tell her that it bothers you that she calls your H to ask questions of you. Ask her it just the two of you can get together and do something.

You and the Twin aren't going to get along anytime soon since you put limitations on when he can be in your home. I agree with your stance, but you can't expect him to be your best friend when you impose these limitations.

[vluna00]

So they're still avoiding talking to you directly, then saying in emails that no one should pre-judge? Pot meet Kettle! LOL!

quote]

 

Thanks Lennox, I needed a good laugh. I am glad that someone doesn't think I am irrational about the whole thing. Now if you can tell my husband all would be gravy. LOL

 

I guess I just need to deal with his family day by day. Just normally if they were unattached people I just wouldn't deal with them ever. For some reason my husband is fond of them so I have to deal.

[Ladyjane14]

Good luck with that.

 

Personally, I think you had an opportunity to truly 'take the high road', and as unfortunate as it may be... I think you'll more than likely have YEARS to regret that you didn't.

 

I find it odd that you can say you love this man, and yet not find anything whatsoever endearing about the people who raised him to manhood. If they're all insufferable "rednecks", how is it that he managed to arrive at adulthood unscathed and worth marrying?

 

And for humor sakes as soon as she was done burning his ears off she sent out an email to everyone she knows (including me) here it is:

 

Life is too short to hold grudges and to get mad about petty things.

 

Life should be enjoyed with the people you love and good friends.

 

Life shouldn't be full of stereotypes; get to know someone before you judge them.

 

Jesus taught to love one another and about forgiveness...does your heart need a new lesson?

 

Yeah... I can see how your in-law's are real "white trash" a*holes. What with all that 'reaching out with the olive branch' bullsh*t.