You won't believe this situation. Seriously.

[jessyclaybill]

My story is long, but I need to tell it in hopes that someone out there can help me figure out what to do... or at least assure me that I'm not crazy. I have been in love with my best male friend (I'm a female) for going on 10 years now. We've been through it all. We met in high school and have been very, very close ever since, and I have always been very open about my feelings for him. There have been times when we almost started a relationship, but for various reasons it's never happened. We have never been physical, not even so much as a kiss... however, we do sleep in the same bed quite often, and we tell each other we love each other.

 

He has been in serious relationships, in fact, he had a very bad marriage that didn't last very long before it ended in divorce. Since that time (almost 2 years ago), he hasn't been interested in dating anyone or even being physical with anyone at all. He says he loves me, and that we're definitely more than friends, and that if he wanted to be in a relationship right now, it would be with me. We are closer than we've ever been before. In fact, I'm closer to his family than most of my family, and his sister even calls me her sister in law. I don't know what to do. Like I said, he knows exactly how I feel about him, and yet he seems like deep down, he's in a constant state of depression or apathy. He's over his divorce, in fact, he only knew her for a month before they became engaged, and it didn't take him long to realize he never loved her in the first place.

 

He's definitely not gay, and he says he's attracted to me, and yet here we are in the same stalemate of a relationship that we've been in off and on for years now. I would love to marry him and have kids with him and all of that, and yet, he's in his 20's and just doesn't know what he wants out of life, so he has decided he doesn't want to be with anyone.

 

What do I do? I'm going nuts. I'm lonely, and frustrated, and completely in love with him. Do I somehow find the guts to walk away? Or do I stick it out and see what the future holds, knowing all the while that I may get my heart broken again? Please, any advice or help would be appreciated.

[Gala]

...although the situation may be driving you nuts.

 

It can be difficult with close male friends. It sounds like this guy has some source of depression that he doesn't yet understand -- something other than the divorce. You don't control that, but you can control how much time you spend with him. Could a little self-protection be in order? Something to think about...

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

The fact that you have held onto this man -or rather male best friend -of yours for so long, 10 years, shows your inner strength as a woman and a friend [~give or take a few feelings].

 

Not many people, in your position, would have stayed for that long given the atmosphere.

 

Lets be clear on this matter, your male best friend is a lost pup. He just got out of a short marriage, and he is ~not ~ going to snap out his depressed state in a heartbeat. Being close to him, during rough patches of his life, most definitely means tons to him.

 

However, you have to think about yourself as well. You must understand - you can't live for him. As each year passes by, the longing, aching and indecisive medium of yours takes a beating for the worst.

 

You should take a step back, and overlook the situation from a standpoint.

 

You have to come to a final decision one day or another.

 

(A) Continue to be his best friend, with-holding your desires for a simple chance at getting together [~which the chance of hapenning is slim to none], if ever.

 

Or (B) Remove yourself from his environment. Look after yourself; your future; propects of marriage. Live out a life outside of his sphere.

 

All in all: Can you imagine yourself married to this man knowing his state?

 

Marriage, or any serious relationship can't prosper and grow with only one involved partner.

 

Take some time to think about everything. Hope you find the light.

 

Best Wishes.

Sand&Water

[Parmalat]

Some questions,

 

Have you had relationships during this 10 year period or have you been sitting around waiting for him?

 

I know you probably don't want to hear this but what happens when he meets someone else that he once again is engaged to within 1 month and married within 2. Will you wait for him again? Is he taking you into consideration?

 

I do believe that when someone loves you and really wants only the best for you, they don't let you hang around for 10 years "HOPING".

 

Perhaps it's time to give that ultimatum and start looking for that someone that will treat you fairly. That will give you love, and respect and intimacy.

 

From what I've read you are good friends. Talk to the man, get him some help if that is what he requires. But don't spend your precious moments and life waiting in the "airport terminal", it's a lowsy spot to be. Not knowing ...

 

I hope that everything works out for you. That this guys wakes up tomorrow morning knowing that you are the one for him and that he's going to make your life wonderful. I hope that you will have that future you so desperately want.

 

If not, you can always do it yourself and leave the heartace behind.

[Mary3]

10 years too long. Why would he keep you hanging for that long ? If he wanted you and love /marraige /kids this would have happened by now.

 

You need to move on . In that NC is in order or you will be in love with him forever , you life will go by , you will grow old and then its too late to live your life the RIGHT way.

 

Tell him exactly what I told you. You need some time away from him to think about your life. If he * wakes up * all the better for you.

 

But meanwhile don't let him dangle a * maybe * in front of you.

 

Move forward with your life. 10 years just went by and are lost forever...

[Antheia]

I know this is going to be hard to hear, but he just doesn't want you in "that" way. He probably loves you and adores you as a friend, loves spending time with you and talking to you but he just doesn't feel that passion, chemistry, spark. If he did, something would have happened by now. Obviously when he falls for someone he doesn't mess around as you have seen by his marriage within a month of knowing someone. He either unconciously or conciously likes to keep you "hanging on", or he might just be too kind and scared of hurting your feelings to tell you directly. Meanwhile, by being stuck on this guy you are missing on all the other opportunities around you. I don't mean to be harsh but after reading your post, it is crystal clear to me that he just doesn't feel the same.

[HeadlessZebra]

It's just so incredibly tragic to me that someone could have let so many precious years of her life pass her by while waiting for this pipe dream to come true.

 

Wow. Start living, girl. This is your only life, and you're putting all your eggs in the wrong basket. You only get one lifetime to find love and happiness, and you've already wasted a third of it. Will you be on your deathbed before you realize it just isn't going to happen?

[jessyclaybill]

First of all, thanks to everyone who so kindly posted a response to my post. I really appreciate all of the great input. I would just like to say that yes, I have had other relationships in the past 10 years... and I haven't been sitting around waiting all that time. He is my best friend, first and foremost, and especially when he got married, I put my feelings to rest...I'm not the type to pine for married men... I thought once married, he would stay married, but it didn't work out.

 

Of course I have hope, because I do love him, but at the same time, my friendship with him is very, very important to me. I sort of take offense to the last post that implied that I've wasted time... because feelings or not, I have had a wonderful, caring person in my life who is constantly there for me and loves me, even if he doesn't love me in "that" way. Anyway, the point is, it hasn't been a waste of time. Has it been difficult at times? Yes, definitely. And if another opportunity comes along with someone else and I genuinely feel like it could be worthwhile, I'll take it.

 

This is an ongoing situation for me... and I know I'll have to make a decision one of these days, it's just going to take me some time to get the guts, you know?

 

Seriously, though, thank you so much for all of the input, it's really helped me to step back and put things in perspective. Everyone had some really good points.

[chicsurfs]

Sorry your soooooooo not going to like my answer.

 

 

Head Games.

[norajane]

It's time for you to take a stand. 2 years is plenty of time for him to get over his short-lived marriage. And this "if I wanted a relationship, it would be with you" is nonsense - time for some tough love.

 

Tell him that he needs to get into some therapy immediately to deal with his depression and apathy - it's long past the time when he should have dealt with his issues, and he's clearly not doing it on his own. You - as his friend - can't just sit back and watch him waste his life that way.

 

Then tell him that you want a man in your life as a friend, lover, partner. And you would like to see if he could be that man, but as he's been doing nothing to make that happen, you have concluded he can't be that man for you.

 

And then start dating. There will be someone out there who can be with you the way you want. This guy is nowhere near ready - maybe he'll wake up and smell the coffee after some therapy - but he's not about to start anything with you as things are now.