A question...

[silentcharon]

I was wondering about several things. I've not read much about reconcilation in LTR's, so I was wondering how that works.

 

I'm not too sure what I'm trying to ask, so please bear with me. I thought that if a couple ever got back together, when should they work on the problems that happened leading up to the break up? Do they discuss things beforehand, or try to work on it when they're back together?

 

My #1 question is that, how does a couple figure out what the problems were, and how do they solve it? How do people discover the true problem that caused them to split up in the first place?

 

It makes sense for a couple to work problems out in order for them to be able to get back together, otherwise it's kind of pointless in getting back together with the problems still there.

 

If y'all could put in your two cents in, that'd be great!

[Pyro]

when should they work on the problems that happened leading up to the break up?

 

Immediately. Otherwise, I don't see how the relationship would move on.

 

Do they discuss things beforehand, or try to work on it when they're back together?

 

Definitely come up with a game plan first and foremost, and then work on it. Wheteher or not the two of you are back together depends on what the two of you want.

 

My #1 question is that, how does a couple figure out what the problems were, and how do they solve it?

 

Communication. Stubborness has no place here. Both parties need to admit what went wrong, regardless whose fault it was, and without getting into a fight about it. This I see being the most difficult part.

 

How do people discover the true problem that caused them to split up in the first place?

 

Maturity, compromise, having an open mind, and communication. Its ok for someone to admit when they are wrong.

[silentcharon]

Communication. Stubborness has no place here. Both parties need to admit what went wrong, regardless whose fault it was, and without getting into a fight about it. This I see being the most difficult part.

 

I agree, communciation is vital to making anything work out. But my question was that, while both parties do need to admit what went wrong, how do they figure out what went wrong? How do they fess up without pointing fingers?

 

Also, is it a good idea for people to go to counselling?

[Pyro]

Communication. Stubborness has no place here. Both parties need to admit what went wrong, regardless whose fault it was, and without getting into a fight about it. This I see being the most difficult part.

 

I agree, communciation is vital to making anything work out. But my question was that, while both parties do need to admit what went wrong, how do they figure out what went wrong? How do they fess up without pointing fingers?

 

Also, is it a good idea for people to go to counselling?

 

Both parties need to lay on the table what they felt went wrong in the relationship and discuss each point. You may agree, or you may disagree. Some things should probably be ignored, and some should be dealt with. Only the two of you can decide what it is that went wrong. They learn to be mature and communicate properly. That is how they fess up without pointing fingers.

 

I believe that counselling should be a last resort. Just make sure that reconciliation is what is best for you, if not, then you need to reconsdier things.

[silentcharon]

Both parties need to lay on the table what they felt went wrong in the relationship and discuss each point. You may agree, or you may disagree. Some things should probably be ignored, and some should be dealt with. Only the two of you can decide what it is that went wrong. They learn to be mature and communicate properly. That is how they fess up without pointing fingers.

 

I believe that counselling should be a last resort. Just make sure that reconciliation is what is best for you, if not, then you need to reconsdier things.

 

All right, Riddler, that makes sense. I also wonder how people agree to deal with the problems, what is it that people do to solve problems? Say, "Oh, my bad, I won't do that again?"

 

Have you had experience in this sort of thing?

[Ssheena]

I personally, would love to go to counseling with my x boyfriend and work on getting back together. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm going to get this opportunity. I think that have a third party there to facilitate and keep the discussion/work on track would be great. The counselor could keep the conversation from getting accusatory.

 

In order to not repeat the previous behavior and to show committment to one another to make things work this time, I would go to counseling.

 

But that's just my view.

 

Good Luck!

[Pyro]

All right, Riddler, that makes sense. I also wonder how people agree to deal with the problems, what is it that people do to solve problems? Say, "Oh, my bad, I won't do that again?"

 

Have you had experience in this sort of thing?

 

It varies from person to person. Alot people have too much pride to admit when they are wrong, but I believe that there are far more important things in this world then trying to pretend you are perfect. They agree when they realize that their love and relationship is what matters most and not who is in the wrong or right.

[silentcharon]

I personally, would love to go to counseling with my x boyfriend and work on getting back together. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm going to get this opportunity. I think that have a third party there to facilitate and keep the discussion/work on track would be great. The counselor could keep the conversation from getting accusatory.

 

In order to not repeat the previous behavior and to show committment to one another to make things work this time, I would go to counseling.

 

But that's just my view.

 

Good Luck!

 

Perhaps, but I have to agree with Riddler, it should only be used as a last resort. But then, if it's so bad that people need a counsellor, that people can't agree to disagree without a counsellor, what's the point?

[silentcharon]

It varies from person to person. Alot people have too much pride to admit when they are wrong, but I believe that there are far more important things in this world then trying to pretend you are perfect. They agree when they realize that their love and relationship is what matters most and not who is in the wrong or right.

 

I couldn't agree more with you, but sometimes, people have to draw a line somewhere. A person could love so much, and take in so much, sometimes it's hard to forgive the other person regardless of how much you love the person. That is where the line should be drawn- I think that all couples should ask themselves, "Can I find it in myself to truly forgive the other person?"

 

I believe that a couple must forgive each other in order to make the reconcilation work. No bringing up, "But remember that time you did that...", "But you hurt me so much!" etc. If the couple can't do that, then no amount of therapy, discussion, etc will make it happen, regardless of how much they love each other. Do you think that might be the answer, to forgive and forget?

[KittenMoon]

Perhaps, but I have to agree with Riddler, it should only be used as a last resort. But then, if it's so bad that people need a counsellor, that people can't agree to disagree without a counsellor, what's the point?

 

Honestly, I think the point of a counsellor is people tend to be less argumentaive when a third party is in the room, tempers tend to be a bit more controlled out of politness or embarassment, and thusly that rush of adrenaline that often causes trivial fights to become really big fights doesn't happen as easily.

 

Plus, the third party can mediate from the outside, or play translator- people listen better to people who they aren't mad at or frustrated with.

[norajane]

Oh, gosh, yes! Forgive and forget is a must if you hope to reconcile!!! It will not work at all without it!

 

My SO and I dated in the past. We broke up the last time about 7 years ago. At that time, I was convinced we were done, and while I was heartbroken, I was also mad as a wet hen and couldn't imagine being with him again. It was O-V-E-R.

 

It took me a year of NC to get over the heartbreak. It took me another year to speak to him and see him again. And then it took another 3 years of long distance friendship (where I'd see him when I was in town on occasion) before any spark came back. But when the spark came back - and it did, with a splash! - the issues we had that caused the break-up were still there.

 

We talked about them, I fretted over them, but we got together and have done so successfully for 2 years. Sometimes things still come up to remind of those past issues, and I do talk them out with him when they come up. But, ultimately, in order to move forward with the relationship, we both had to forgive and forget. You just can't keep wearing the same groove into the ground and ever hope to climb out of it.

[silentcharon]

Honestly, I think the point of a counsellor is people tend to be less argumentaive when a third party is in the room, tempers tend to be a bit more controlled out of politness or embarassment, and thusly that rush of adrenaline that often causes trivial fights to become really big fights doesn't happen as easily.

 

Plus, the third party can mediate from the outside, or play translator- people listen better to people who they aren't mad at or frustrated with.

 

I suppose you're right, KM, but what about when people don't have a counsellor around? People have to learn how to work together without having a third party interfere- if they can't, you can see why I'm saying why bother.

 

Ahhhhh. I'm in a ruminating mood tonight, you can expect a long PM

[Pyro]

I couldn't agree more with you, but sometimes, people have to draw a line somewhere. A person could love so much, and take in so much, sometimes it's hard to forgive the other person regardless of how much you love the person. That is where the line should be drawn- I think that all couples should ask themselves, "Can I find it in myself to truly forgive the other person?"

 

I believe that a couple must forgive each other in order to make the reconcilation work. No bringing up, "But remember that time you did that...", "But you hurt me so much!" etc. If the couple can't do that, then no amount of therapy, discussion, etc will make it happen, regardless of how much they love each other. Do you think that might be the answer, to forgive and forget?

 

No doubt. You must learn to forgive and forget if the two of you want to move on. Unfortunately, I believe that is a rarity in relationships. If you can't do that, then there is no point for reconciliation.

[Pyro]

I suppose you're right, KM, but what about when people don't have a counsellor around? People have to learn how to work together without having a third party interfere- if they can't, you can see why I'm saying why bother.

 

If you think that a relationship is worth saving, then by all means see a counselor, but you are right, a couple that wants to be together must learn to communicate and get along with each other without a third party being present.

[silentcharon]

Oh, gosh, yes! Forgive and forget is a must if you hope to reconcile!!! It will not work at all without it!

 

My SO and I dated in the past. We broke up the last time about 7 years ago. At that time, I was convinced we were done, and while I was heartbroken, I was also mad as a wet hen and couldn't imagine being with him again. It was O-V-E-R.

 

It took me a year of NC to get over the heartbreak. It took me another year to speak to him and see him again. And then it took another 3 years of long distance friendship (where I'd see him when I was in town on occasion) before any spark came back. But when the spark came back - and it did, with a splash! - the issues we had that caused the break-up were still there.

 

We talked about them, I fretted over them, but we got together and have done so successfully for 2 years. Sometimes things still come up to remind of those past issues, and I do talk them out with him when they come up. But, ultimately, in order to move forward with the relationship, we both had to forgive and forget. You just can't keep wearing the same groove into the ground and ever hope to climb out of it.

 

Hmm. Is he your current SO?

 

I only ask, because of my current situation. I haven't been writing in here much, because I have been so busy with school with the finals and all that. Story cut short: my ex ended things with the girl- because he could not give her the commitment she was looking for, because he realized he had more feelings for me than he was willing to admit. She is now out of the picture- I have no doubt of that, because things have gotten better. With how my ex has been acting towards me lately- the spark is definitely there now, and I'm trying to be careful.

 

I'm in very limited contact with him- as I do want to give him space, especially now that I have my answers. I never dreamed that anything would happen the way it did, for this to happen. My ex is still confused, so to speak- but I feel as though reconcilation is a very real possibility in the future, whether we end up dating other people or not. I was asking those questions, because I feel that now is a good time to discuss where we went wrong. I got a PM from KM- that mentioned

 

1)"what do we both think were the problems in our relationship before?"

2) "what's changed with us while being apart?"

3) "what still needs some work and what exactly can we both try to do?"

 

I'm not necessarily trying to push for reconcilation, but I would like to discuss this regardless. Kind of work undercover, so to speak. We have begun to talk about what happened, and we both come out of those talks feeling better. I guess, what I'm trying to say is that, I would like to get things solved, so that... there aren't any obstacles left in our way towards a better friendship or a relationship. I just would like to be prepared, because my ex has been asking me questions about our relationship, rather than it being the other way around, me being the dumpee asking questions.

[norajane]

Yes, he's still my SO - and we're stronger than ever.

 

Sounds like you're on the right path with the limited contact and the conversations. When my SO and I got back together, I was still living 2000 miles away, and I think that helped a bit, actually. We would get together, say for a weekend, and would enjoy being together, but we'd also talk about the things that we needed to talk about. Then we'd have time apart to think about what was said.

 

After a while, we didn't need to keep talking about specific issues, and we could both see the differences in our relationship now - actions do speak loudly!

 

But like I said before, if something comes up that reminds of the issues that broke us up before, I mention it before it starts to cause any damage.

[silentcharon]

Yes, he's still my SO - and we're stronger than ever.

 

Sounds like you're on the right path with the limited contact and the conversations. When my SO and I got back together, I was still living 2000 miles away, and I think that helped a bit, actually. We would get together, say for a weekend, and would enjoy being together, but we'd also talk about the things that we needed to talk about. Then we'd have time apart to think about what was said.

 

After a while, we didn't need to keep talking about specific issues, and we could both see the differences in our relationship now - actions do speak loudly!

 

But like I said before, if something comes up that reminds of the issues that broke us up before, I mention it before it starts to cause any damage.

 

 

Yeah, I know what you mean. We get together once in a while, and we enjoy our time together. We don't always talk about this stuff all the time, but occasionally whenever one of us has a question. Then we'd come out of it feeling better, then have time afterwards to think about it. I think this is one of the factors that is helping us right now. I hope you're right, NJ, because it's so hard for me after all the stuff I've gone through with my ex so far since we broke up. We've tried hating each other, we've tried to ignore each other, and all that, but... we end up talking in the end one way or another.

 

So hard.

[Guest]

Yeah, I know what you mean. We get together once in a while, and we enjoy our time together. We don't always talk about this stuff all the time, but occasionally whenever one of us has a question. Then we'd come out of it feeling better, then have time afterwards to think about it. I think this is one of the factors that is helping us right now. I hope you're right, NJ, because it's so hard for me after all the stuff I've gone through with my ex so far since we broke up. We've tried hating each other, we've tried to ignore each other, and all that, but... we end up talking in the end one way or another.

 

So hard.

but.. how do you get him to talk to you for him to give you a second chance? it was all me that ruined it..i know no what i did wrong and i know how to fix it..i know if he gives me a fair chance he won't regret it..my plan was to get my aunt to talk to him see what he wants and everything and if it didn't work..don't talk to him for a few days to a week..then see .. if that didn't work try talking face to face..if not that then give him more space and time..i promised i wouldn't give up so i won't..any advice BESIDES negative it won't work..stuff to help me..

[silentcharon]

but.. how do you get him to talk to you for him to give you a second chance? it was all me that ruined it..i know no what i did wrong and i know how to fix it..i know if he gives me a fair chance he won't regret it..my plan was to get my aunt to talk to him see what he wants and everything and if it didn't work..don't talk to him for a few days to a week..then see .. if that didn't work try talking face to face..if not that then give him more space and time..i promised i wouldn't give up so i won't..any advice BESIDES negative it won't work..stuff to help me..

 

I haven't gotten a second chance, not yet anyway. I was with him for 7 years, so I'm just staying away from him right now. I tried what you did, and the only thing it did was prolong my pain and stopped me from moving on. I tried everything in my power to get him to come back, and I gave up a few months ago. And you know what happened? He hooked up with the girl, and came back to ME, said "I'm still in love with you. If you had given me the space in the beginning (right after the break up), I would have realized my feelings sooner than later (after hooking up with the girl.)"

 

I didn't do anything to get him to talk to me, I was the one who imposed NC twice, and he broke it both times. Yeah, you could do that, but it won't work, it just won't. You need to give him space, and use that space for yourself to move on. Yes, the answer is to move on. Not only I got to move on, I feel better as a whole, NC allowed both of us to step back and figure out what went wrong, and what it is that we want in life.

 

It's probably not what you wanted to hear, I didn't want to hear it myself either, and I had to learn that the hard way. There are countless posts on LS that can account for this, my posts included. Go ahead and do what you did, but I guarantee you 100% that it won't bring him back, that it will only serve to push him away even further. Leave him alone. There's nothing you can do about it. Sorry, hun, move on.