How do I deal with it?

[steph]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, we have two kids and were very happy the first two years. He became involved into somethings that scared me, mostly because I was pregnant and wanted the very best for our child. I had totally cleaned up my act when I became pregnant. I became close with mine and his family. He became distant. I became a nagg and I was sad that things had changed between us. I stayed because I thought that he would come out of it. Well he became more distant and I just wanted to be good and do what was right. Now his 3 year adventure has stopped and he is lucky that he stayed out of trouble. He says that it was because of all the nagging I did, that he is not in trouble because he might have a whole lot more careless. I know that I love him and that he loves me.

Well about 2 months ago he revealed that he has been having an affair for the last 5 months and It is true i didnt want to sleep with him , my feelings wre numb. I was more focused on doing what was good for me and our kids. Just waiting for him to come to his senses. He didnt tell me about the affair until she went to jail. She is in jail for unrelated things to him. Probation Violation.

This is when she started to calll the house. He actually went and visited her at the jail. He says that he is confused because his feelings for me are deeper than for her, But he thinks he is in love with her. He is finnally getting his act together and now wants to go be with her.

The last couple of weeks I have accepted this and we have became close again but He stiil wants to be with her. I even steeped to accepting he could have both of us. He says that wouldnt be fair. He says also that he really dosent see himself being with her forever but can see that with me.

I read her letters and she thinks that they are going to get married, she wants to have baby. Ect. Friends say this is jail talk but none of them told me of the affair either. they all knew.

Some of our friends say that he just thinks he is in love with her and I need to let him go so he can find out he is all wrong. He dosent deny that he did allot of wrong and I do see were my critizme and nagging might have mad him feel low. But I hurt so bad and He is going to be around no matter what because of kids. what do I do.?

[midori]

Wow, it sounds like you've dealt with quite a lot of trouble in your life. I applaud you for trying to do what's right, for being responsible once you became a parent.

 

I know what it's like to believe in someone, to see that at their core there is goodness that will surface eventually. And I know what it is like to suffer patiently, waiting for that goodness to surface, waiting for the person in question to get his act together, to be the person he says he wants to be, the person I wanted him to be. In order to do that I had to turn a blind eye to what he was doing in the present: and that was foolish. I did so because I truly believed that he'd come around, that he just needed time and understanding. I did so because I was so convinced that I loved him and needed to have him in my life.

 

But the thing is, I didn't love him -- not the present version of him, not the real him who did the things that I didn't like. I loved an ideal version of him. Yes, it's true that he is the one who created that ideal vision: I'd never try to make someone become something they didn't want to do. But I bought into his vision, despite all the evidence to the contrary that was glaringly apparent in his behavior (to everyone except me because I was willfully blind). And so I ended up getting hurt.

 

Your guy sounds like very bad news. You allude to a lifestyle that sounds less than healthy. His girlfriend is in jail? Yikes. That alone would be enough to get me out the door. Who wants to have any kind of connection to that? Especially since you have a child.

 

But it's worse than that: this jerk is telling you that he loves another woman, but he wants to keep you on the side, as a back-up. Of course, since there's a child involved, he naturally doesn't want to sever or sour his relationship with you. But I don't believe it's possible to love two people at the same time. I know some people claim to, but I think it's a cop-out, an unwillingness to make a choice (and risk regretting it later), and an unwillingness to take responsibility for one's own emotions and decisions. He doesn't know how it happened, he just ended up falling for her, huh? Yeah, right. Is that how his whole life has unfolded, things just happen to him? It's never his fault? That ought to be a huge warning sign to you.

 

Since you've cleaned up your act, has this guy been any kind of reliable support for you? Is he a dependable co-parent? What is his practical value in your life? Sounds to me like he's of little if any real, meaningful value. Obviously it would be best, since you have a child together, to maintain civil ties with him. And he should be contributing to your child's expenses. But surely you see that no real happiness for you lies with him. It sounds to me like you're making excuses for him, blaming his girlfriend for his behavior. If he didn't want her to call him at your home, she wouldn't. How did she get the number? If he didn't want to visit her in jail, he wouldn't. Don't kid yourself that this is somehow her fault. It's 100% his fault. It's 100% his doing. She is not the one in a relationship with you; he is. She has no obligations to you; he does. She is not the one you ought to be blaming. Why on earth make excuses for this guy?

 

My advice: reconcile yourself to eliminating this man from your life. Whatever that takes. If you're not someone who feels emotionally strong enough to handle life without a romantic relationship of some sort, find someone else, someone more likely to bring happiness, or at the very least less damage, into your life. It would be best if you could just end it and be alone until you find someone who's actually suitable for you. But please, please get rid of this guy. Let him go "find himself," or do whatever it is he needs to do. What a load of baloney. How insulting. I can't imagine how any self-respecting woman -- and you are one, I hope -- would even THINK of staying with a guy who professes "temporary" love for another woman.

 

You could wait decades, and he still might not be straightened out. Get out now, and don't look back. He is not your responsibility. You can't save him from himself. No matter how wonderful and angelic you are, he's got to do the changing himself. Don't open the door at 1:00 a.m. when he's drunk & crying on your doorstep. Don't open your heart to him anymore. Even if he shows up every night for a whole week, or even several weeks. He sounds like an absolute loser, and an awful user who knows how to say what you want to hear, in order to get you to do what he wants.

 

If he ever gets to the point where he's made some serious, permanent changes, you'll know because you won't recognize him. He'll have staying power and he'll be taking responsibility for his past and his present (and his future). I hate to say it but I doubt that will ever happen, and it certainly won't happen anytime soon. Don't look for it to happen anytime soon. No matter how badly you want him back, and no matter what he says, if less than a year has passed I promise you he can't have changed all that much.

 

Find some better friends, by the way. Friends who would tell you if your boyfriend is cheating on you with a convict. Find those new friends and get on with your improved life. You deserve it, and so does your child. Good luck.

[Tony T]

You simply can't tolerate a man who is living with you and openly having an affair with a jailbird. Get rid of him. If he did this once to you, he will do it again. And don't blame yourself. He could have talked out all problems with you but he rather elected to have an affair with a lady on probation for something (boy, can he pick 'em).

 

You just don't need this kind of aggravation in your life. Be sure to contact a very good attorney so you can lock this guy up for child support and other payments to you. Assert all the rights available to you under the law in your circumstances. Since you haven't been together long enough to be common law married, his liability may be limited to child support. Ask the attorney.

 

If you have to stay with him for financial reasons, you're in for a very sorry life and I feel very sad about that.

 

Don't take this crap lying down. He is showing you extreme disrespect and inconsideration by rubbing all this in your face. The guy's a real creep and you don't need him in your life. I just hope there's some way you can start feeling better about yourself because a person with an ounce of self esteem would have been out of this guy's life already. You deserve so much better.